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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Accused of trying to steal friends husband

130 replies

accusedandalone · 27/12/2020 17:40

Bear with me because this may be long.

I lost my husband in an accident very suddenly and unexpectedly about 10 days before the 1st lockdown. Our second DD was born about a month before and we have a toddler DD too, so I had a lot to deal with and it's been a shitty year. We also have DN10 who lives with us and has done for 5 years.

DH and I were friends with a couple. I was friends with Linda at Uni and he was friends with Jack. When we met at University we introduced them to each other. DH and Jack had a bust up a year or so after we began dating over his treatment of me (lots of pervy comments and occasionally aggressive when drunk). He decided to drop him as a friend because of it, but 6 weeks later Jack showed up with Linda and they have been together ever since. I've always had a strange feeling around him, but Linda has been a fantastic friend and I feel sorry for her being married to him. DH and I moved to a small London suburb where I grew up about 7 years ago when we got married, 6 months later they moved to a few roads away as they liked the area so much and I introduced Linda to my friends etc etc.

I found out 2 years ago from Linda that Jack was having an affair with the much younger sister of one of my friends. I was supportive to Linda and she decided to work things out with him.

When DH died Linda was there everyday and it was great. But I started to feel smothered and I just wanted some time to absorb everything with my family and get used to the differences. I decided to take all 3 children to our holiday home in France for 6 weeks during the summer holidays and it was amazing. Just what we needed to be able to breathe again. My DPs and DPil came out to stay for a couple of weeks too. But Linda kept pushing to come and see us and stay for a couple of weeks with her children and Jack. Tbh it was worded like she was worried about me, but the incessant badgering just felt like she actually just wanted a free holiday. I said no (very firmly) after weeks of it and she sent me a long message about friendship and gratitude.

Here is the problem. I have barely heard from Jack since March. But last month I joined them with all the children to see an outdoor christmas lights attraction. Linda dropped out at the last minute as she had to work late. Jack made some really inappropriate comments during the outing (as usual) and asked when I would be looking for someone knew. At this I told him he was disgusting and left. He then sent me an explicit text a week later. I told him he was disgusting and (here is where I may have made the mistake) I sent a screenshot of the message and a summary of his behaviour to Linda.

Linda has decided that I want to steal her disgusting husband and sent me some vile messages. She has also told all of my friends that I'm on the look out for a new man and that they should keep an eye on their husbands. I've since had messages from 3 of my friends berating me and I've been removed from all my friendship whatsapp groups and blocked by at least 4 other friends. I'm so confused because he's made passes at a few of these women before and it's very well known that neither DH nor I liked him.

I've never felt so alone. What do I do?

OP posts:
Porridgeoat · 28/12/2020 09:16

Op keep your text factual and reference historic inappropriate behaviour to you also

Mumoftwoinprimary · 28/12/2020 09:20

Op - you sound lovely. And your friend (not the one reading on here) also sounds lovely.

I hope 2021 is an easier year for you.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/12/2020 09:28

Sadly this isn’t uncommon. My DM was widowed fairly young in the 90s and most of her ‘friends’ dropped her like a hot brick as they were worried she’d be after their husbands 🤷🏼‍♀️

AgentJohnson · 28/12/2020 10:56

Put the fucker on blast and then block them all. Her H will never change and she will be confronted with the consequences of his vileness and her desperation again.

It never ceases to amaze me how desperate some people are to cast the man as the victim, particularly of their own behaviour.

For what it’s worth, denial is a lonely place.

accusedandalone · 28/12/2020 15:01

Thank you for all your messages. I decided to add all the ones who hadn't blocked me into another group chat (including Linda) and sent them this:

"I am shocked and hurt that any of you could even remotely think that I would want to steal anyone's husband. Especially Linda's as DH and I were always very clear that we did not appreciate his attitude. I am particularly shocked given the previous incidents in 20XX with X and Y and Jack's behaviour towards them, of which Linda and the rest of you are well aware.

You have dishonoured my DH's memory by saying such things about me. I do not want any apologies from any of you as you have all made your opinions of me very clear. As such, I don't have any time to spare on such poor friends. I will be concentrating on raising the DCs and I would like to remind you that I won't need any help from any of your husbands to do so. I am disgusted by your behaviour and my only regret is not seeing what kind of friends you are sooner."

It's a little bit of some of your suggestions and my sister helped to draft some of it too. I also attached the screenshots of Linda and Jack's messages to me and the messages that some of the others sent me too. I sent it this morning and I've had a couple of private messages since (that were disgustingly grovelling), but I have no intention of responding. Those who I have assumed to be the ring leaders are unsurprisingly silent.

It's funny that they assume that I would want A's husband who never does any cleaning, B's husband who has never ever changed a nappy or done a night feed despite having 4 children or even C's absolute charmer of a husband who likes to go out partying with his work mates and show up 3 days later without a word to anyone. But hey-ho, I must be desperate!

OP posts:
HyacynthBucket · 28/12/2020 15:37

That's brilliant OP. You have your dignity intact, and you have put your side. Just don't enter into any more dissussions with any of them, which might lessen the impact, including the grovellers - ignore.
Now you have done this, you will feel freer to get on with your life with your DC, and put this sorry mess behind you. Its New Year soon. Have a great one in 2021. Things can only get better!
I only wish I had had social media to put my side just once like this when I was wrongly accused in 2002, and lost all my family as a result.

okokok000 · 28/12/2020 15:45

So sorry for your loss OP. I don't have anything to say other than well done for standing up for yourself and not allowing them to drag you down or beg for friendships that clearly are not worth it. Good luck to you.

fairydust11 · 28/12/2020 16:06

So sorry for your loss 💐
You have done the right thing sending that message as they clearly weren’t friends if they were that quick to believe the lies.
I wish you well for 2021.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 28/12/2020 16:12

That’s an impressive reply Op.

ApolloandDaphne · 28/12/2020 16:14

Well done for standing up for yourself and maintaining your self respect.

MorningNinja · 28/12/2020 16:17

Proud of you OP!

You've drawn a line under it and are moving on.

Wishing you all the best for 2021.

PatchworkElmer · 28/12/2020 16:20

Well done! I’m glad that another friend has contacted you to arrange a Zoom catch up too.

CoraPirbright · 28/12/2020 16:30

Crikey OP! Talk about “light the blue touch paper and retire”!! Bloody well done - these bitches deserve it and I hope that they will reflect on their behaviour (although I doubt it). I wonder if the friend who recognised this thread has alerted them to it. Oh to be a fly on the wall of that particular group chat!!

If any of you are reading - shame on you!!

tsmainsqueeze · 28/12/2020 16:36

@happytoday73

Suggest that Linda has been making things up.

My message to everyone would be :'After the year I have had I'm disappointed that my friends are believing this. Jack tried it on.. Sent me an explicit text so I told him he was disgusting and let Linda know. I can send you copies if really need.

You all know I don't want Jack, would never break up a relationships and am no wag ready to replace my husband.
Its incredibly sad that I've now been cut off from people at a time I really need friends support.

Hi ,this is perfect , i also would not bother again with anyone who has sided with Linda . You sound like you have done amazingly well with your children through the shocking trauma you are going through . Hold your head up high and take care of yourself and those that matter . Those that are true friends will stay that way , but anyone that causes you any upset or doubt don't give them a minute more of your time . Linda and Jack sound like they both deserve each other .
2bazookas · 28/12/2020 16:37

Jack and Linda sound well matched; needy and greedy, dishonest and unreliable. Sooner or later her other "friends" will find out the hard way like you have. TBH , where they are concerned you have not lost anything or anyone worth having. Just walk away and leave them to fester.

 I'm sorry you've had such a terrible year but it sounds as if you do have some real support  from family. Plus tremendous personal strength and resilience.
collywobbly · 28/12/2020 16:39

What a dignified response OP. You're a bigger person than me.
I'm so sorry for your loss ThanksCake

OhHiya · 28/12/2020 16:45

Op, you sound bloody brilliant.
I wish you nothing but love and so much happiness for you and your DC & DN Flowers

tsmainsqueeze · 28/12/2020 17:05

Fantastic response i bet they are all feeling pretty awful at the moment .
I am so sorry for your loss ,i hope 2021 brings you some peace .

ProperVexed · 28/12/2020 17:08

OP, please may I be your friend? You sound bloody fantastic and absolutely the sort of friend I would like!
I wish you strength and love.

Thingsdogetbetter · 28/12/2020 17:27

Bloody hell OP, you absolutely rocked it! A dignified, strong, classy message of "fuck you, you pathetic sheep". I bow down to you for such impressive strength and class. (I think I'd have sent the pathetic sheep message myself and then regretted it. 😁).

user1471565182 · 28/12/2020 17:36

The trash always takes itself out eventually. You may feel a bit shaken up for a bit but it sounds like you can deal with things just fine.

bettycat81 · 28/12/2020 20:32

They sound like awful people whose actions, in reality, are holding up mirrors to the failings in their own relationships. How little faith they must have in their partners to think that you could steal them away, how weak they must think their men are. It's actually quite pathetic.

Thewithesarehere · 29/12/2020 01:44

Your DH must be laughing his head off, wherever he is, at the last bit of your post OP. Grin you are mighty funny!

BlueThistles · 29/12/2020 01:50

Your Husband would be proud of you my lovely.. and you did yourself proud... Flowers

CoraPirbright · 29/12/2020 17:39

Have you heard anything from your erstwhile “friends” OP?