Accused of trying to steal friends husband

[accusedandalone]

Bear with me because this may be long.

I lost my husband in an accident very suddenly and unexpectedly about 10 days before the 1st lockdown. Our second DD was born about a month before and we have a toddler DD too, so I had a lot to deal with and it's been a shitty year. We also have DN10 who lives with us and has done for 5 years.

DH and I were friends with a couple. I was friends with Linda at Uni and he was friends with Jack. When we met at University we introduced them to each other. DH and Jack had a bust up a year or so after we began dating over his treatment of me (lots of pervy comments and occasionally aggressive when drunk). He decided to drop him as a friend because of it, but 6 weeks later Jack showed up with Linda and they have been together ever since. I've always had a strange feeling around him, but Linda has been a fantastic friend and I feel sorry for her being married to him. DH and I moved to a small London suburb where I grew up about 7 years ago when we got married, 6 months later they moved to a few roads away as they liked the area so much and I introduced Linda to my friends etc etc.

I found out 2 years ago from Linda that Jack was having an affair with the much younger sister of one of my friends. I was supportive to Linda and she decided to work things out with him.

When DH died Linda was there everyday and it was great. But I started to feel smothered and I just wanted some time to absorb everything with my family and get used to the differences. I decided to take all 3 children to our holiday home in France for 6 weeks during the summer holidays and it was amazing. Just what we needed to be able to breathe again. My DPs and DPil came out to stay for a couple of weeks too. But Linda kept pushing to come and see us and stay for a couple of weeks with her children and Jack. Tbh it was worded like she was worried about me, but the incessant badgering just felt like she actually just wanted a free holiday. I said no (very firmly) after weeks of it and she sent me a long message about friendship and gratitude.

Here is the problem. I have barely heard from Jack since March. But last month I joined them with all the children to see an outdoor christmas lights attraction. Linda dropped out at the last minute as she had to work late. Jack made some really inappropriate comments during the outing (as usual) and asked when I would be looking for someone knew. At this I told him he was disgusting and left. He then sent me an explicit text a week later. I told him he was disgusting and (here is where I may have made the mistake) I sent a screenshot of the message and a summary of his behaviour to Linda.

Linda has decided that I want to steal her disgusting husband and sent me some vile messages. She has also told all of my friends that I'm on the look out for a new man and that they should keep an eye on their husbands. I've since had messages from 3 of my friends berating me and I've been removed from all my friendship whatsapp groups and blocked by at least 4 other friends. I'm so confused because he's made passes at a few of these women before and it's very well known that neither DH nor I liked him.

I've never felt so alone. What do I do?

Good god their behaviour is appalling - all of them! I realise that it must be gutting to have people behave like this who you thought were your friends, but honestly they’ve done you a favour in the long run by showing you exactly who they are. It’ll hurt like hell now, but I hope you can move on and find actual genuine friends. I would have nothing to do with any of them from this point forward. Tempting as it is to send the sleazebag’s message, they’ll just twist it in some way to think that you solicited his approach. Don’t ever speak to that cow or her sleazy hisband again, and treat the others with icy disdain. There are much better people out there, who are more worthy of your friendship.

And sorry for your bereavement.

So sorry OP
I would simply post that last line:

‘Its incredibly sad that I've now been cut off from people at a time I really need friends support”
.....and life is difficult enough without people being unkind on top of everything.

Then walk away and be below the radar until someone reaches out - It will give them something to think on.

Maybe take a look at the WAY online organisation? - Widowed and Young, lots of support, help and advice on there, and a chance to meet new friends for support locally.

And

This year has been so hard for the vast majority of people it has brought on depression and anxiety ,how you are still functioning after also losing your husband is beyond me it's unbelievable how cruel life can be at times . Well this Linda is a CUNT really sorry ladies to you all on this thread for the language but my blood is boiling for you. Never speak to her again or anyone else who has left you down when you needed vital support 🤬🤬🤬.
Life will become good again in time ,sounds like a cliche I know but I've had a lot of loss in my life including burying my own son so I know the pain of loss . Time will soften the pain for you and your children and you will make better friends because those bitches were never friends of yours . How dare they !!! Get angry hold your head high and take one day at a time ❤️ if you need to talk or need a friend we are all here for you your not alone I for one will be here if you need a ramble ..
Onwards and upwards and leave them where they belong ... IN THE PAST XX

I am so sorry.
You have done nothing wrong in this situation.
Linda is on the attack because h the arts easier than facing up to the awful truth that she has married a cheater.
You other ‘friends’ are not your friends - I have see this before, women get very weird around widowed women and really are so insecure that they will look for ways to withdraw - so you can’t steal their husbands. (Not that you would be interested).

This has exposed them quite early, and I am sorry, but you are better off without them.

I totally understand you wanting to defend yourself to those friends who've believed her. I would too. But to be honest, I don't think it's worth even trying. Linda is truly awful. The holiday business makes that clear on its own. So don't even think of going near her.

If I was going to say anything at all to the others, then I'd keep it really simple. Something along the lines of
"I am still grieving the devastating loss of my husband, and have absolutely no interest in other men. That you could even think that Linda's accusation is true, shocks me to the core. I'd have thought you would know me better than that." Then sign your name, send, and forget.

I didn't realise that I would get such a quick response. Thank you everyone for your kind words, they have really made me smile and laugh. You're all right - I do need better friends! I've managed to wrangle all 3 DCs into bed now (we all know that Christmas makes them extra bouncy!) so I have a chance to respond.

I've had a message from a friend from the Whatsapp group (her mum is in intensive care so she hadn't looked at her messages). She has sent me a truly lovely message and we're going to do Zoom drinks tomorrow to have a bit of a cry together. We've been friends since school and she's been wonderful this year despite her own shitty circumstances. I feel awful as I really don't think I've acknowledged how much she's done for me this year!

I've also had a message from a friend who has seen this thread and apologised. But that feels very hollow right now.

As this year has proven I'm not someone who won't fight for themselves and their family. Tomorrow I will send them all a message explaining my side and what a dirty bastard Jack really is. As they all well know! I will also make it clear that I won't be entertaining any of their apologies and that they can all go fuck themselves.

I don't understand these stories of other women dropping their widowed friends. Why on earth would I ever want to try and replace DH? He was the most wonderful husband and father and we spent an amazing almost 20 years together. I know he would be fine if I moved on, but I can't ever see that I will need to. He was everything to me and I know how much he loved me and he knew how much I loved him. The only thing that has really got me through losing him is the knowledge that we did have that time together and how good it was. Some people never get to feel that.

I'm lucky as I have a big supportive family on both sides who have dragged me through this year and been so understanding when I needed space. But I did feel that I couldn't burden them with something so silly as a petty friendship squabble, even if it did make me feel so low.

Your messages have really helped me to take a breath. Thank you.

Sadly @accusedandalone some people are just pure arseholes who revel in the ostracising of others as by doing so they can create an us and them scenario. It's pathetic, I am however glad to see you have support around you.

I am very sorry for your loss. Your social circle are not your friends and their behaviour is disgraceful. Linda is just a shallow, vindictive person who does not wish to accept that the man she married is such a bad character. It reflects on her, as she choses to stay with the letch. Please find it in your heart to forgive her for being such a weak person, and feel sorry for her being stuck in that situation. It will help you to move on from the trauma of this situation. I hope in time that you see these people and their actions for what they are. I would not try to rescue any of their friendships, as they are not worthy of you. There are plenty of friends in the sea...and for now, you should focus on your family and grieving for your husband. I really hope 2021 is a year that gives you peace and hope for a better future. Once again, sorry for your loss of your spouse...sometimes words are never enough. Please report the letch to the police, as others have suggested. He is a would-be entitled sex offender with no boundaries whatsoever...another words, a danger to any woman.

OP, you sound bloody amazing. Keep on holding your head up, whilst allowing yourself a few days to droop when it gets overwhelming. It's so often the smallest, pettiest things that send us over the edge after dealing with the type of horror you've endured.

Send them all a message. Crisp, concise, to the point. 'I'm aware that there are rumours circulating re: Jack & I. I can state with absolute honesty that he proved himself to be the inappropriate lech I always believed him to be, and have the evidence to prove it. No one will ever replace DH. I'm insulted that Jack thought I would welcome his attention, and also insulted that anyone else would think the same.'

Oh and 'friend' who has read this and apologised - please don't go running back to Linda with this thread. Let the OP get support from strangers because you weren't there for her. If you mean the apology, I suggest you keep your head down and learn to be a bit less hasty in your judgement of someone going through a terrible trauma.

OP so sorry for your loss

@idontknowaboutmortgages

Oh and 'friend' who has read this and apologised - please don't go running back to Linda with this thread. Let the OP get support from strangers because you weren't there for her. If you mean the apology, I suggest you keep your head down and learn to be a bit less hasty in your judgement of someone going through a terrible trauma.

OP so sorry for your loss

Yep this to mumsnetting friend. Tell the others should you know them, they are despised by mumsnetters coast.to coast!

I have been really moved by your posts.

You are truly amazing.
I am shocked that you have been treated so badly.

I hope more of your friends read this and I also hope that they feel deeply ashamed at their behaviour.
They should hang their heads in shame.

Wtf!!!

What a truly shitty year you have had, so sorry for the loss of your husband.

As for your “friends” just tell them to fuck off. Just stick with the good ones who have your back.

I truly hope you have a much better 2021

Only posting to say you sound like a wonderful person and to assure you that you didn’t do anything wrong in sending that screenshot.

OP.... I salute you in these painfully dreadful times... you my lovely sound like a Tower of Strength and I am proud to read you are not laying down to this Piece of Crap and his very deluded Wife... onwards and upwards Lady 🥂🎊🎉

Clearly your 'friends' who actually believed Linda are lowlifes and don't deserve you as a friend. HOW DARE they do this to YOU? After all you have been through this year? They should have supported you, and told Linda to grow up and stop being a nasty piece of work. Instead they turned on you? The innocent victim in all this? Wtf is wrong with them?!?? Do they not actually put their brain into gear and actually think before joining the pile-on and attack you? If any of your 'friends' are reading this thread, you are scum. And should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves! Imagine if your partner died, instead of receiving support, you are accused of wanting a man that NO ONE would ever want, in a million years (by the description of the vile creep by the OP, I think most women would sooner join a nunnery than want to steal him!). By a twisted woman who married to a vile creep and knows what he is like, but uses the OP as a scapegoat because she doesn't want to admit to herself what a worthless bit of shit her husband is. THEN, your so-called friends join the pile-on of you, a grieving WIDOW no less, and instead of support and laughing Linda away like she deserves, you vilify a woman who has been through more than enough this year.

Seriously, give your head/s a wobble. Wtf is wrong with you?!?? Shame on you! OP, these 'friends' are fickle, shallow, nasty and heartless bitches and they don't deserve your friendship if that are that easily brainwashed by a woman who knows she is married to a perverted creep and make you, a grieving widow, out to be her scapegoat. I hope the bitch that apologised to you really feels mortified for how they treated you! Wtf is wrong with them? How could someone do that to a grieving widow who has more than enough on their plate? My only consolation would be that this Linda will turn on them, too, eventually. They'll get their karma back for throwing you to the wolves.

My heart is aching for your loveliness and love lost.

Hope too that this huge mumsnet hug and validation bring you something positive from these trying people's actions.

Good luck, your integrity and heart sound super and I wish you so well as you find the true care you clearly deserve

I also think this Linda and her husband deserve each other, and she deserves the cheating and humiliation he is giving her. An innocent grieving widow does not deserve to be the scapegoat for Linda's effed up marriage and warped values though.

If these 'friends' had any human decency at all they would drop Linda like the sack steaming shit she is, and they would block her from the group and never have anything to do with her again. She is the one they should be dropping. Not you.

As a fellow widow, I salute you. It's really hard when friends desert you. In my case it wasn't because anyone thought I was after their husbands (I don't think! I'm older than you). It was just that i dropped off their radar as a single person when their social lives were about coupledom.

Had I come through what you just have, I think it would have broken me. You're doing so well.
I'm glad you have a real friend to talk to now. Take care.

And God yes, MN 'friend', don't you dare let Linda know about this thread.

Linda has in effect isolated you from your friendship group. But your friendship group sound a mixed bag to be honest. The positive thing about life crisis is that it sorts the wheat from the chaff, true friends from rubbish friends. And it’s the true friends you need to hold dear and appreciate and give your time to.

It’s awful the way you have been dropped by friends while going through bereavement, it’s incredibly unkind. However they were clearly manipulated and made poor decisions as a result. I would give the ones who sincerely apologise a wary second chance and play it by ear in regards to future friendship. Everyone makes bad decisions on occasions but looking at the whole picture and things weighing up can help you make the right decision for yourself.

Just ignore them. They are not worth worrying about. Concentrate on looking after yourself and your children and on spending time with your wider family. Jack and Linda sound insufferable. The email about friendship and gratitude was enough to make this clear if the sleazy comments years ago were not. Leave the WhatsApp and know you have finally managed to dodge a bullet.