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Original poster

Accused of trying to steal friends husband

130 replies

accusedandalone · 27/12/2020 17:40

Bear with me because this may be long.

I lost my husband in an accident very suddenly and unexpectedly about 10 days before the 1st lockdown. Our second DD was born about a month before and we have a toddler DD too, so I had a lot to deal with and it's been a shitty year. We also have DN10 who lives with us and has done for 5 years.

DH and I were friends with a couple. I was friends with Linda at Uni and he was friends with Jack. When we met at University we introduced them to each other. DH and Jack had a bust up a year or so after we began dating over his treatment of me (lots of pervy comments and occasionally aggressive when drunk). He decided to drop him as a friend because of it, but 6 weeks later Jack showed up with Linda and they have been together ever since. I've always had a strange feeling around him, but Linda has been a fantastic friend and I feel sorry for her being married to him. DH and I moved to a small London suburb where I grew up about 7 years ago when we got married, 6 months later they moved to a few roads away as they liked the area so much and I introduced Linda to my friends etc etc.

I found out 2 years ago from Linda that Jack was having an affair with the much younger sister of one of my friends. I was supportive to Linda and she decided to work things out with him.

When DH died Linda was there everyday and it was great. But I started to feel smothered and I just wanted some time to absorb everything with my family and get used to the differences. I decided to take all 3 children to our holiday home in France for 6 weeks during the summer holidays and it was amazing. Just what we needed to be able to breathe again. My DPs and DPil came out to stay for a couple of weeks too. But Linda kept pushing to come and see us and stay for a couple of weeks with her children and Jack. Tbh it was worded like she was worried about me, but the incessant badgering just felt like she actually just wanted a free holiday. I said no (very firmly) after weeks of it and she sent me a long message about friendship and gratitude.

Here is the problem. I have barely heard from Jack since March. But last month I joined them with all the children to see an outdoor christmas lights attraction. Linda dropped out at the last minute as she had to work late. Jack made some really inappropriate comments during the outing (as usual) and asked when I would be looking for someone knew. At this I told him he was disgusting and left. He then sent me an explicit text a week later. I told him he was disgusting and (here is where I may have made the mistake) I sent a screenshot of the message and a summary of his behaviour to Linda.

Linda has decided that I want to steal her disgusting husband and sent me some vile messages. She has also told all of my friends that I'm on the look out for a new man and that they should keep an eye on their husbands. I've since had messages from 3 of my friends berating me and I've been removed from all my friendship whatsapp groups and blocked by at least 4 other friends. I'm so confused because he's made passes at a few of these women before and it's very well known that neither DH nor I liked him.

I've never felt so alone. What do I do?

OP posts:

HyacynthBucket · 27/12/2020 18:26

So sorry for all your losses OP. This is a real blow on top of the others. I get that you feel alone. I was once accused out of the blue of something I was innocent of, which severed a lot of close relationships in my family, and it is devastating in its injustice and because of the fallout, as you are finding. This is tough, but you will somehow find the inner strength to get through it and come out the other side, and you will have something to be really proud of.
HappyToday73 gave really good advice about putting your side. I made the mistake of not doing so, but do it once as she suggests, then block the offending people . Do not get involved in any further discussions or justify yourself in any way beyond that initial statement. You will soon know who your real friends are, and can ignore the rest. Keep your head up high, be strong, and know you have right on your side, and the rest of them can piss off.
I hope you have some trustworthy confidante or a counsellor, as you will need to offload the feelings of hurt and injustice and loss.
Best wshes OP, thinking of you.

InFiveMins · 27/12/2020 18:26

Bless you.

Linda is a bitch and you don't need her or her weird pervy husband in your life. Don't put up with it.

Block them (for good) on all platforms and move on from their shitty 'friendship'.

Wishing you the best, OP.

ApolloandDaphne · 27/12/2020 18:31

What a shitty bunch of friends. I would leave them behind and concentrate on you and your DC and hopefully you will be able to make new supportive friends.

Oreservoir · 27/12/2020 18:34

I'd be tempted to reply how sad that these women think so little of their husbands that they assume they can be lured away so easily.
Doesn't make much of a basis for a good marriage.
I sincerely hope that your other friends are less nasty.

TheVanguardSix · 27/12/2020 18:35

Good grief, what an absolute tosser of a year for you, OP. I'd like to think, in some sort of mad and hopeful way, that this is some sort of divine intervention, getting rid of what you need to get shot of. And Linda and Co. certainly are a gang of weirdos worthy of a massive swerve.
Don't ever look back.
They are terrible people. Don't make any room for 'terrible' anything in your life anymore. Seal the cracks and keep the shit-stirrers and trouble makers well out of your life.
OP. The only way is up!

yvanka · 27/12/2020 18:39

She sounds like an idiot. Say nothing, these things always come out in the end.

DPotter · 27/12/2020 18:39

Some people really do believe a newly widowed young woman will be after the husbands. They really believe it. Seen it a couple of times. They friends were just looking for an excuse and Linda provided them with one.

This is not on you at all. Not sure it would be worth the effort of contacting them to explain what really happened. Just let them get on with it. They'll have to pick on someone else now

RantyAnty · 27/12/2020 18:46

I would strongly imply that you'd rather eat moldy bread with curdled milk than be anywhere near her ugly cheating sleazebag of a "husband"

Let that get back to her and if anyone mentioned it, laugh and roll your eyes and say, are you trying to make me vomit...really...me with that thing. ugh.

TheRealJeanLouise · 27/12/2020 18:56

Linda knows her husband is a disgusting piece of shit, that’s why she’s acting this way. It doesn’t make it better as it must be such a blow after all you’ve been through but she’s not your friend, likewise those that believe her. For your own health and sanity, walk away with your head held high, knowing that you do t have to deal with her cretin husband again

WhatTiggersDoBest · 27/12/2020 18:57

I'm so sorry for your loss
My first thought when reading this is that you have no idea if Jack really had an affair or if Linda imagined that one, too, or if she pointed the finger at the wrong person that time, too. He's a creep and I bet he tries it on with everyone he ever meets. I sometimes wonder if people like this stay together because they enjoy making each other miserable.
His creepy comments... whenever a "friend" tries it on, I avoid both of them and go no-contact. You can't control what other people think, unfortunately, but hopefully when you're far away from both of them, anyone who is a true friend will stick around.

soopedup · 27/12/2020 18:59

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. How awful. Secondly, you send the screenshot of that vile message Jack sent you to each of your friends individually. With this message “Hi xxx I have had a horrendous year after losing my husband and being dropped as a friend by everyone when I desperately need support is extremely traumatic. I would ask you to reconsider and hear my side of the story please. Linda has lied about me because her husband has behaved horrifically towards me at a really awful time. I’ve attached a screenshot of the message her husband sent to me. I would ask you to examine your own knowledge. He has sexually harassed me since my husband died. If you believe that with 3 small children I would even have the energy to enter into anything with this man then so be it. Me and you have been friends a long time and I’ve never been anything but decent towards you. This whole situation is extremely distressing”

Then send it

Fuck them all.

What have you got to lose here. In fact I really hope one of the papers do pick this up and run the story nationally because every single one of those women should be utterly ashamed of themselves. Focus on your kids and your parents. You’ll get through this. Never speak to Linda again. She’s vile. Really really vile. You need better friends. I’m not far from London. I’ll be your friend. Fuck them

soopedup · 27/12/2020 19:00

and keep posting on here. We will all support you. You don’t need those bitches

EagleFlight · 27/12/2020 19:02

I would hold your head high and know you haven’t done anything wrong.

If there is a way round via a different route to message those who have blocked you, I would do so. I would also do a group WhatsApp to everyone (start a new one since you’ve been deleted from others) and very matter of factly explain everything (pretty much as your OP here does) and say you aren’t after responses or to discuss the matter further but you want people to know the truth.

Then leave it at that, remember these people clearly aren’t your friends, and focus on people who are your friends.

sausagepastapot · 27/12/2020 19:10

I would 100% out him and share the screen shot alongside a sassy Gif of a woman flicking her hair and waltzing off. They sound like insufferable bitches, he's an absolute tosspot and you deserve much nicer people in your life.

Morgan12 · 27/12/2020 19:17

I'd send the screenshot along with a message saying 'good riddance cunts'

Bunch of pricks.

How could Linda have thought this if she seen the message?

BlueThistles · 27/12/2020 19:21

Agreed.. I wouldn't' hesitate in outing him.. send his vile massages to everyone.. show them who he is... and then ditch all of them.. these people are not friends OP... I'm so sorry for the loss of your Husband and you are now being bullied by these cretins...

MrsDiplo · 27/12/2020 19:21

invite them all to a whatsapp group, put screenshots of jacks messages in there followed by screenshots of your messages telling her. then inform them that you expected more from them

ClearingSpaceOnTheTrophyShelf · 27/12/2020 19:25

@soopedup

Then send it

Fuck them all.

That message suggestion is cringingly needy.

OP, I’m so sorry for your terrible year. Sending 💐 and the wish that next year will be a better year for your family with much better friends

MichelleScarn · 27/12/2020 19:35

Id make sure they all knew about the message, but wouldn't ask them to reconsider friendship although be prepared for being accused of faking it!

frumpety · 27/12/2020 20:00

Let's be honest , 'Linda' is fully aware that her DH is a sleazy twat, she just doesn't want to face it and all that entails at the moment so has gone on the defensive, goodness only know's what she has said to the others ?

What happened to the friend who's sister Jack was shagging ? is she still in the friendship group ?

Gogreengoblin · 27/12/2020 20:15

Dear God, that sounds horrendous!!
Without excusing Jack or Linda's behaviour which is bloody awful, I think that they are both emotionally immature and defensive.
That's what happens when people's egos are too high and they don't know how to handle themselves and get bitter and build a facade around themselves.
Linda most probably is in denial about her husband and can't face the truth as many previous posters have mentioned.
I don't know what you can do apart from cutting ties. You have my sympathy.

Gogreengoblin · 27/12/2020 20:18

As someone else said, once you go no contact they will unleash their judgement and rage on to someone else as a warped coping mechanism. It's not you.
I would not fare very well in this situation as I was gaslighted as a child and cannot (currently, I'm working on it) tolerate being told I'm lying.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2020 20:19

For crying out loud. What is wrong with these women to blame you and cut you off when you are adjusting to a new way of life. I'm so sorry they have treated you this way.

Windmillwhirl · 27/12/2020 20:21

I met a lovely woman on a course once who list her husband tragically when she was pregnant. Over the course of getting to know her she told me a lot of married women she knew locally distanced themselves from her. I thought how sad but also how insecure they must be to see her as a threat.

NovemberR · 27/12/2020 20:31

I would simply block all of these people who have decided you are in the wrong without the courtesy of speaking to you first.

You do not need to engage with people like this. Maintain your dignity. I'd be tempted to report Jack to the police for sending an explicit text to you, however.

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