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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband never wants to go anywhere

105 replies

Leagueofgentlemenfan · 27/12/2020 17:05

Can anyone relate? My husband is a homebody, so am i, but i do like to go out just for an hour or (walk the dog , or take the kids to the park on their bikes). He wont go anywhere! We are only 35 years old .i feel like he holds us back so much.
I do absolutley everything on my own. I even take our children to the seaside on my own. People must think im a single parent.

I know i cant force him but i feel like his life is passing him by and hes just sitting on the sofa every day. If i do encourage him to come he moans alot and spoils it.
Hes been working from home since march and has basically not left the sofa in all that time.
Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 27/12/2020 17:09

Yes. I can relate as my ex DH was the same. I just got round it by making friends with other women who were in the same circumstances so at least i'd have some company. Not ideal and we got divorced in the end though.

figgyitypudding · 27/12/2020 17:09

Yes, I have a similar situation with mine. To be honest, I don't think we can expect them to change- we can only ask ourselves if we're happy to live like this forever.

cherrypie790 · 27/12/2020 17:12

I used a timer on my phone yesterday - DH spent over 4 hours asleep. This was after getting up at 10am.

I've had enough. Next year he's being booked into a nursing home where he can sleep with all the other old men.

I know I can't change him - but I'm seriously questioning being in this relationship.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 27/12/2020 17:14

Yes! It’s exactly the same here. I don’t know how I ended up with such a homebody as I absolutely love going out and have such a sense of adventure.
I spent years feeling limited and had so many conversations about this. It didn’t change so I just took the kids out and about all over until one day he decided himself that he wanted to join us.
Now, he will join us maybe one time out of 6. It’s a huge improvement.

Just carry on. Don’t let him hold you back. You and your dc can have a fab time without him too. I know it’s a cliche, but you’ll never get these years back. I’m so grateful that my dc love going out and I’ve been able to share this passion with them.

Original poster
Leagueofgentlemenfan · 27/12/2020 17:16

Oh yes i never let him hold me back. I take the kids to lots of places. Just always alone. Hes never in photos. No making memories. I dont know why im with him . Im stuck

OP posts:
Mikethenight2good · 27/12/2020 17:50

Yes! He would be happy at home all day every day. I dragged him & the kids out today for a walk. The last time we went out was Tuesday.
I to do stuff on my own with the kids but I also resent having to take the lead on activities.

Don't even get me started on having a date night....

I miss a pre Covid world. At least I could do stuff with friends.

Ivytheterrible79 · 27/12/2020 17:56

Could have written this myself. I just arrange stuff without him as if he comes he just moans all the time. Sometimes I look around at other dads having a laugh and joining in and I feel pretty lonely.

My friend got divorced recently and her advice was...build your own world with the kids. Get used to it. Start to enjoy it.

MrsVogon · 27/12/2020 19:55

My ex was like this and to be honest I think it is sheer laziness to not make the effort. Eventually resentment set in. We had a dog and he wouldn't even go for walks at the weekend with me.

It felt like we weren't a couple at all. He would stay in bed for hours each weekend - I'm not against a lie in but he took the piss. I used to go and do stuff on my own with my DD instead, but it felt hurtful he wouldn't make the effort. I used to have it out with him and he would be fine for a weekend and then lapse into his laziness again.

I'm now with someone who will happily do things with me and I actually feel were are a proper couple!!

Life is too short to stay in a substandard relationship!

annabellacomestotea · 27/12/2020 20:00

I have just made a post about this myself, although our dysfunction is a bit more complicated!

My husband has an addition to avoiding reality, TV, video games, alcohol, cocaine, marijuana, sleep. He doesn't want to participate in real life in any way, or very rarely.

I feel alone, have no sexual desire towards him and am very lonely and sad a lot of the time, as well as envious towards my friends who seem like they are in actual relationSHIPS that are going somewhere.

I stay because I do care for him and I am terrified of being single and of the dating scene. We have no children or shared finances, but I'm still too scared to leave.

Autumnchill · 27/12/2020 20:00

Unfortunately my ex husband was like this. Lovely in every other way but if I suggested something it was always 'we'll see' which meant no basically. He wasn't nasty or lazy, he just didn't want to seem to go anywhere. I never understood it. I always felt he was saving money for a rainy day and was afraid to spend it.

We split up in 2008 after being together for 14 years and my new husband always says 'yes' when I ask if we should go somewhere.

annabellacomestotea · 27/12/2020 20:04

@Autumnchill

Unfortunately my ex husband was like this. Lovely in every other way but if I suggested something it was always 'we'll see' which meant no basically. He wasn't nasty or lazy, he just didn't want to seem to go anywhere. I never understood it. I always felt he was saving money for a rainy day and was afraid to spend it.

We split up in 2008 after being together for 14 years and my new husband always says 'yes' when I ask if we should go somewhere.

Can I ask how old you were when you split?
Autumnchill · 27/12/2020 20:07

I was 35.

LividLover · 27/12/2020 20:10

My dad would be like that.

I remember holidays without him and mum pouring pans of water on his feet to wake him up for days out.

Then I married a man too like it and there were lots of sabotaged days out. We went abroad together once in eleven years.

Since I remarried, new husband is an adult who likes to keep busy - except Covid has fucked that up this year. Hoping the “new” year can get us back out as normal.

annabellacomestotea · 27/12/2020 20:14

@Autumnchill

I was 35.
That gives me hope, I'm 31 and tell myself it's too late.
ValliBec · 27/12/2020 20:20

Oh I can relate! It’s not so much my husband won’t go anywhere if I suggest it / plan it but he spends all his time playing online chess (!) and would much rather do that than anything with me or the children. He plays first thing when he wakes up, on and off all day when he can (he disappears off into a different room to play unnoticed!!) and then ALL evening. Literally sits in another room to me playing and then cursing whenever he loses 😩 if I question him on it or ask him to spend less time on it and more time doing other things he gets very angry and defensive. The children comment on it too - they think he would much rather play chess with strangers than play with them and I think they’re probably right! 😢 So please know you’re not alone! X

Autumnchill · 27/12/2020 20:21

@annabellacomestotea absolutely not! Since I got together with my second husband we've driven all over Europe, have so many great weekends away just walking (nothing necessarily fancy), love cooking together and have so much fun. Don't get me wrong there have been a few hiccups along the way but we've just celebrated 9 years of marriage and right this minute I'm extremely content.

My divorce was amicable and Ex even messaged me recently when his football team won a significant game (I still support them).

If you're unhappy then you'll find away.

Oly4 · 27/12/2020 20:28

I don’t know how any of you are living like this. I couldn’t put up with this - going out and about IS family life. It’s creating fab experiences for your kids and spending time together.
Anyone who would rather just stay at home either doesn’t want to be with their kids and wife or is just abdicating all responsibility for being a parent to their other half? And selfishly spending all their time on themselves.
It’s so sad to me. I’m not judging you.. I’m judging them! You all deserve better

LostStars39 · 27/12/2020 20:29

My ex was very similar to this. He would come out eventually but I could rarely plan things to do on a weekend, it would all be last minute on the day and by the time we got out it was about 3pm, so in winter we’d only be out for an hour before it was dark.
He ended up breaking up with me a couple of months ago and for all those saying they’re terrified of being single and scared of the dating scene - so am I, but after the initial shock and getting over the heart break and pain I can see a happier future for myself where I can do what I want when I want!

JingleJohnsJulie · 27/12/2020 20:31

I'm 20 years on from you OP and I'm seriously considering whether to stay or not too.

annabellacomestotea · 27/12/2020 20:32

god i'm so glad to hear there are others (not that I want anyone to be unhappy, but I've always felt so alone in this.)

ValliBec · 27/12/2020 20:40

@annabellacomestotea - you are definitely not alone! I often feel like this too, especially when all my friends seem to be in “perfect” relationships but then who knows what goes on behind closed doors? 🤷‍♀️ X

annabellacomestotea · 27/12/2020 20:44

[quote ValliBec]@annabellacomestotea - you are definitely not alone! I often feel like this too, especially when all my friends seem to be in “perfect” relationships but then who knows what goes on behind closed doors? 🤷‍♀️ X[/quote]
that is very true. i started a new job recently and met a girl virtually who has been with her partner for 7 years. when we check in with each other in the mornings she tells me how they went cycling at night, or played board games together...my husband sits on his phone or plays video games. I've become very independent, almost don't crave attention or company any more as i've become so used to being 'alone.' But when I listen to other people talk about their partners I realise how weird it is.

Embracelife · 27/12/2020 20:51

You basically are a single parent since he never takes dc out. With a third at home

What does he bring?
What is the point of him ?
If you divorce aNd he has dc every other weekend what would happen?

longhaulstress · 27/12/2020 21:30

Yes my exh was like this, said he was always too tired from work and while I think it was partly an excuse he did live to work and not work to live. He would have been quite happy spending his whole day off on the sofa and made me feel unreasonable about going for a walk/a coffee etc. He got a little better over the years but it always had to be me to come up with an idea

I am now 6 months in to a new relationship and dp is the opposite, always happy to go places and think of nice plans for the day and during lockdown as well when options have been limited.

Boxing Day yesterday with exh would have consisted of a bit of tidying up, food and him lying comatose all day and while there's nothing wrong with that for some people my dp and I went on 2 separate walks to different places, cooked a new recipe at lunch, played some board games which still left plenty of time of relaxing and watching films.

The only thing is I broke up with exh over him cheating I don't know if him just being unwilling to get very involved would have been enough for me to leave. But I can tell you that there will be men out there who would be much more suited to your values and you could be so much happier than you are now.

Mikethenight2good · 27/12/2020 22:53

God it's worring how many of us there are. I thought it was just me.