Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband never wants to go anywhere

105 replies

Leagueofgentlemenfan · 27/12/2020 17:05

Can anyone relate? My husband is a homebody, so am i, but i do like to go out just for an hour or (walk the dog , or take the kids to the park on their bikes). He wont go anywhere! We are only 35 years old .i feel like he holds us back so much.
I do absolutley everything on my own. I even take our children to the seaside on my own. People must think im a single parent.

I know i cant force him but i feel like his life is passing him by and hes just sitting on the sofa every day. If i do encourage him to come he moans alot and spoils it.
Hes been working from home since march and has basically not left the sofa in all that time.
Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
ThelmaNotLouise · 28/12/2020 13:24

MixMatch That's really good advice about weeding out the differences when you're dating. I knew pretty quickly my OH and I were like-minded when a month or so into dating we spent the weekend hunkered down in his flat and it was bliss.

I do think though there's a big difference between being a homebody and being a lazy fecker who wants to sit on the sofa and not engage. We do lots as a family indoors, including gardening, DIY, cooking and eating together every meal time. It works for us.

Ivytheterrible79 · 28/12/2020 14:08

I think the reason women put up with this as these men don't do anything outrageously awful. They are just dull and getting duller. All the house buying, weddings, pregnancy and babies meant that we were too busy to notice. Now as the kids get older and we can see the wood for the trees, grown up a bit and want to enrich ourselves they have sunken into the sofa.

The prospect of divorce is so massive. And if they arent being massive assholes the momentum is lacking to take the leap.

Twattergy · 28/12/2020 19:37

I'd much rather be single and/or a single parent than with a man like this. There's a difference between a quiet life and just never moving from a sofa. That isn't normal and will never give you what you need and deserve. It also sounds like the behaviour of a depressive so if I was feeling charitable I'd give them a chance to get treatment. But if this is who they truly are...then leave.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 28/12/2020 23:03

I am watching Shirley Valentine and thinking of this thread!

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 28/12/2020 23:37

@Ballstothis148

Yeah can relate - the worst is when I say “shall we see x?” (place/film/play/exhibition) he says yes and then ducks out later saying “what’s the point?” or “you don’t really want to go”. It is the most depressing attitude to life and I’m dragged to his way of life - we don’t go anywhere (especially now!). His idea of an adventure is the big supermarket. For me it’s the lack of interest (in life?!) and the fact it’s on his terms - we do what he wants. Maybe others aren’t like that. We don’t have DC. His parents are like this. It scares me to have kids like this and just live indoors constantly, making conversation about hoovering or checking the spice expiration dates. I’ve let myself get isolated so partly to blame - what seemed a comfort is more like house arrest. He’s quite insistent.
You must get out of this relationship while you can. Live your best life!
EarthSight · 29/12/2020 01:40

@Leagueofgentlemenfan

Oh yes i never let him hold me back. I take the kids to lots of places. Just always alone. Hes never in photos. No making memories. I dont know why im with him . Im stuck
What does he moan about when he's out?

This is one of the issues that has put a strain on my own relationship, and made me doubt starting a family with him, although even mine isn't as extreme as yours. He likes going for a walk now around the village (which is new) as it helps clear his head and he thinks the exercise is good. He likes going to coffee shops and cafes, although it's mostly very routine based as he gets easily stressed.

I'm sure before you had kids, you wanted some unity, some family life, some happy family outings? I'm sure you didn't imagine constantly having to do things by yourself like you're a single mum? Why on earth did he want a family? So he could NOT spend time with them?? Did he have a dysfunctional childhood? Does he live inside his head a lot? I.T men and gamers tend to be like that. You know, some men have families because they think all they need to do is being in money.....they neglect to tell their partners about that though which leads to many situations like yours.

Does he understand the concept of doing things for his children's sake, not his? It's not actually about him. It's about them and giving them varied and happy memories. Is he capable of enjoying things altruistic - as in, he sees how happy someone is and that makes him happy?

EarthSight · 29/12/2020 01:47

@ThelmaNotLouise

MixMatch That's really good advice about weeding out the differences when you're dating. I knew pretty quickly my OH and I were like-minded when a month or so into dating we spent the weekend hunkered down in his flat and it was bliss.

I do think though there's a big difference between being a homebody and being a lazy fecker who wants to sit on the sofa and not engage. We do lots as a family indoors, including gardening, DIY, cooking and eating together every meal time. It works for us.

I don't know......instead of seeing them as lazy, I just see them as people with a chronic lack of energy & enthusiasm. Enthusiasm takes energy, so it all starts with that. Some people are just born like that. They've never had a spark to them and they just find everyone else exhausting.
Treemama · 29/12/2020 13:23

Was your dh always like this op?
My dh stopped wanting to go out with my dc and I when he was suffering from depression. At the time I wasn't aware that his mental health was so bad, so it caused a lot of arguments and grief and for a few years I felt like a single mother whenever I was taking my dc for days out on my own. He then had counselling to deal with his depression and things got better as he started finding pleasure in life again. Now he happily goes with us everywhere and enjoys family time and our relationship is stronger than ever.

I just wanted to point this out because it's not always about laziness.

Mikethenight2good · 29/12/2020 16:57

treemama depression is the main reason for him not wanting to do anything. He has started on AD again and will come out if I organise something. But he doesn't organise anything which is part my frustration.

He has the kids next week for the holidays whilst I work. I can guarantee most of the days everyone will be on tablets and phones. It will be too wet / too cold/ the kids didn't fancy it .

Where as we we have lots to keep occupied in doors and lots of local green places to walk but there is no iniative to organise it.

So then I feel the pressure to counter balance the other way when I cover the kids holidays etc.

Treemama · 29/12/2020 20:33

I understand OP, it's very hard and frustrating. How old are your kids?

annabellacomestotea · 29/12/2020 20:36

I think there's a big difference between someone being introverted or a homebody, and just disengaged. Introverts/homebodies can still be fun, conversational, creative, active around the home/garden. It's worlds away from sitting in front of the TV for hours alone...not even chatting or laughing or sharing the show together. It feels quite neglectful. I feel like my husband can't even see me.

pastaparadise · 29/12/2020 20:49

Yep also have this problem. Dp will do things, but i always have to plan, organise and get everybody ready. He will never suggest anything or take the initiative. What bothers me the most is how unsociable he is. I love seeing people, but I've realised that once dc come along a lot of people socialise as a family. He never wants to and usually opts out. It means my world is shrinking as couple invites dry up eventually, esp as he's not much fun if he does go out.

Thinking more and more that I'd be happier without him...

Hangingover · 29/12/2020 20:52

My ex was like this and I ended up hating him for it. I'd get home from work (both mid 20s living in London, no DC) at 7pm and he'd already be in his dressing gown of doom in front of his PC and stayed there all night. No dates, no trips, no holidays. Complete waste of time.

Descant · 29/12/2020 21:13

@EarthSight, I think you’re right — some people are just really low-energy. A (male, 53) friend of mine is like this, and is capable of making an entire weekend revolve around doing a load of laundry and cooking an Ottolenghi dish and continually going on about crashing/destressing after his week. The thing is, we have exactly the same job, and it’s not stressful or exhausting by any standards. I conclude he’s just got very little energy, and is easily depleted. It’s just unfortunate for his children that he never does anything with them.

Stiltonloving · 29/12/2020 21:16

@pastaparadise I’m about to separate from mine and this is one of the things I have realised. I stopped getting invited to things a couple of yrs ago and was so embarrassing as I would always do everything alone/ atleast when I am single there won’t be the expectation of anyone else!

annabellacomestotea · 29/12/2020 21:18

I can understand too as you say @Descant that some people are lower energy, and I can be at times myself, but I think it's when its a constant thing...there's no spark of energy, no fun weekend, no moment at all.

Supertrooper81 · 31/12/2020 08:08

How common is this!
Mine lays in bed til 1pm somedays, never comes out with the dog.
I think I could be selfish for making my own life now, plenty of doggy friends I see most days on our walks.
Mine does little with our teenager but always quotes he’s a great dad!!
He has never got up in the morning with him (ok a handful of times).
Never watches him play his sport. I do all the driving around, pick ups and drop offs and supporting the sport, also getting involved with committee stuff!

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 31/12/2020 09:10

Super trooper, certainly in my case, yours is a step above (below) the original complaint of not being interested in going out/being a home body. My husband is the opposite of what you describe ie does loads/the majority around the house but just doesn't want to do get out and about doing things.

BettyOBarley · 31/12/2020 09:30

My DH is a bit like this too.
He'd be perfectly happy getting up, lounging on the sofa every day, watching TV and napping - and he's 36!
His parents were exactly the same.
He has a demanding job with mixed shifts including nights which takes it out of him, he's also on AD's for mild depression. So I do understand to an extent, but it's just so boring!
When I met him he was very active, always out running, was in the army fgs!
He does play with the kids in the house, board games etc and he does come out to places / on walks without moaning (always at my instigation though). I do wonder what life will be like when the kids are older and I'm quite upfront with him about that. It's fine to be a homebody but you've got to put effort into keeping a relationship interesting as well.

whatisforteamum · 31/12/2020 10:05

I can relate to this from both view points.
My dh had to do lots alone with dc due to my anxiety and working weekends for years.Whenever I suggested day trips they were quashed by his obsession with sport on tv slap bang in the middle of the day so many adventures were missed.I could drive so went everywhere alone.
I was so bored I had an affair for years which he knew about.
Fast forward to now and the decs are adults.He still puts sport first in the form of golf and on tv.
He has done this on anniversaries and used his annual leave to play with his friends.The other week we went Xmas shopping where he reluctantly took me.Sulked and didn't buy a single present for me or dcs.
He is 60 and doesn't have any get up and go.
I have had lots of time to reassess this year and while I'm grateful for somewhere to live and some company I'm considering next year as I'm not sure I can put up with him in his room watching love island and sulking if I suggest anything DIY or outdoors.

Dreamylemon · 31/12/2020 10:13

Reading this made me realise how much I do with my kids by myself. My DH is often 'working' but I suspect he prefers to stay in.

He is introverted and def has anxiety. I find it easier to go out by myself as the kids go with the flow more than he does.

He will come out but it's always me that makes the arrangements. He is better with holiday and does more of the organising for these. I've learned over the years he is much better planning ahead and spontaneity stresses him. I am very spontaneous and last minute so we are not a great fit from that point of view. I see deviations from the plan as part of the adventure.

Looking back he was quite like this pre dc but I was out with friends and busy. I also don't notice it that much as we are often meeting friends/ other parents.

Writing this down we seem incompatable, but I also need a lot of down time too, just less than him.

Ultimatecougar · 31/12/2020 13:44

I did laugh at someone upthread saying there are loads of lovely men who enjoy family things. No, no there aren't 😂. And of those there are, they aren't single past about 30. They are in a relationship with kids doing family things.

Even those men who are active quite often enjoy being active without the family - cycling miles with cycling club for example.

Supertrooper81 · 01/01/2021 09:40

@Ivytheterrible79

I think the reason women put up with this as these men don't do anything outrageously awful. They are just dull and getting duller. All the house buying, weddings, pregnancy and babies meant that we were too busy to notice. Now as the kids get older and we can see the wood for the trees, grown up a bit and want to enrich ourselves they have sunken into the sofa.

The prospect of divorce is so massive. And if they arent being massive assholes the momentum is lacking to take the leap.

You have hit the nail on the head right there
Bobbielove321 · 31/01/2022 07:07

Hi, I know this is an old thread. I am going through the same thing. Would love to chat to you. X

cookiemonster2468 · 31/01/2022 07:33

Does he have some kind of mental health issue? Sometimes it's not very apparent on the surface but he might be suffering from low motivation or low mood which could be rooted in depression, anxiety, etc.

Humans aren't really designed to spend their lives sitting on the sofa so if he's doing this then there's probably something wrong, even if he lacks awareness.

How you deal with that, I don't know. As an above poster said, you can't force someone else to change, you can only try and make him aware that what he's doing (or not doing!) isn't normal, and see if he engages with that conversation.

If not, then you probably have to ask whether you are happy to carry on living like this.