Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband never wants to go anywhere

105 replies

Leagueofgentlemenfan · 27/12/2020 17:05

Can anyone relate? My husband is a homebody, so am i, but i do like to go out just for an hour or (walk the dog , or take the kids to the park on their bikes). He wont go anywhere! We are only 35 years old .i feel like he holds us back so much.
I do absolutley everything on my own. I even take our children to the seaside on my own. People must think im a single parent.

I know i cant force him but i feel like his life is passing him by and hes just sitting on the sofa every day. If i do encourage him to come he moans alot and spoils it.
Hes been working from home since march and has basically not left the sofa in all that time.
Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
soopedup · 27/12/2020 23:02

I often wonder how I ended up in a relationship like this. I dumped my ex for this exact same scenario and now I’m married to one. It wasn’t like this at the start. It’s extremely boring and frustrating.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 27/12/2020 23:15

An ex of mine was always tired...we didn't live together but i would go round his for the weekend and if i was lucky we would have an hours wander around the local town...back to his...he would put a film on and fall asleep on the sofa for the rest of the day....it drove me insane.

Whatwouldscullydo · 27/12/2020 23:43

My ex was a bit like that. I always put it down to a physical job and being tired but all through lockdown where neither of us were working he didn't come out on a single walk with me and the kids. I took them everywhere on my own. He'd wire me some cash to spend on the shopping id taken them to do or to treat them to lunch out if we went somewhere as if that was his share if the responsibility.

The few times we did all go out together well getting ready was always so stressful. Id have to get myself ajd the kids ready but somehow wed still be waiting for him cos apparently we were all in the way so easier to wait until we were ready and he only took 2 mins anyway Hmm

Of course he time ge was ready id send the kids to the loo again as we'd waited a while and if course it was then him waiting for us Hmm he always seemed so bloody moody when we had to go out too. I preferred going out alone in the end it was less drama. No price to pay for his presence.

Sadly it didn't work out I finally had enough a few weeks ago and he moved out officially just a week ago. So I guess it doesn't really get any better. They either want to be part of the family or they don't. If you have to remind them constantly to even think about joining in with something then save your breath.

BubblyBarbara · 27/12/2020 23:52

He might well be posting on “dads net” something like “wife always wants to be out and about”. You just have different ideas of what constitutes fun and life. He does not feel he is missing out. Neither of you can criticise the other, this is just a difference of opinion.

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/12/2020 23:56

Well yes you can criticize!

He’s not building relationships with his wife or children. He’s not making any effort to get involved in family life.

You reap what you sow.

TheyDoItOnPurposeLynne · 27/12/2020 23:58

I honestly thought I was the only one. I love the man dearly but he could literally spend the rest of his life on the sofa watching the same TV programmes on repeat.
I've given up trying to make him come out with me, he eventually just gets angry. I've realised that he's got serious anxiety although you'd never guess if you met him and home is his familiar safe space. Like I said, I love him.
Its rubbish for me though.

BubblyBarbara · 28/12/2020 00:01

He’s not making any effort to get involved in family life.

OP never quite said that though? Family life mostly takes place in the home. If he’s not getting involved or lifting his weight in the home, that’s one thing and he should be pulling his finger out. That he doesn’t like outings is quite another issue and not necessarily the sign of a bad father. He might be agoraphobic.

Badwill · 28/12/2020 00:05

Me too. Mine is also a workaholic and doesn't see the value of doing anything unless he's getting paid for it, so will just laze on the sofa on his days off and drags his feet when I suggest going anywhere. I'm convinced he purposely makes us late going places too. I used to try to cajole him along, now I just don't bother asking/assuming he's coming with us and will carry on as if he isn't and if he wants to tag along then so be it.

In some ways it's good as I'm planning on divorcing him soon and I think the fact I've spent so much time taking the DC everywhere on my own will probably mean single parenthood will be much less of a shock to the system.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 28/12/2020 00:09

I couldn't live like this OP.

I'm a homebody but go out daily as it's good for me and good for my family.

It's like you have another child, a stroppy teenager who won't go out with the family. This is no way to live.

Ballstothis148 · 28/12/2020 00:13

Yeah can relate - the worst is when I say “shall we see x?” (place/film/play/exhibition) he says yes and then ducks out later saying “what’s the point?” or “you don’t really want to go”. It is the most depressing attitude to life and I’m dragged to his way of life - we don’t go anywhere (especially now!). His idea of an adventure is the big supermarket. For me it’s the lack of interest (in life?!) and the fact it’s on his terms - we do what he wants. Maybe others aren’t like that. We don’t have DC. His parents are like this. It scares me to have kids like this and just live indoors constantly, making conversation about hoovering or checking the spice expiration dates. I’ve let myself get isolated so partly to blame - what seemed a comfort is more like house arrest. He’s quite insistent.

Stillfunny · 28/12/2020 00:13

Yep , me too. Go nowhere , do nothing . One of many reasons I want him to go. Life is too short to die of boredom.

Squeejit · 28/12/2020 00:17

My XH was like this. I felt so lonely, going on holiday with the kids, days out etc, pub with friends.
It was one of the many reasons we split up.

Descant · 28/12/2020 00:31

@BubblyBarbara

He might well be posting on “dads net” something like “wife always wants to be out and about”. You just have different ideas of what constitutes fun and life. He does not feel he is missing out. Neither of you can criticise the other, this is just a difference of opinion.
Of course you can ‘criticise’ — sitting at home 24/7 and refusing to walk the dog or take the children to the park for an hour is a failure in parenting, unless you’re happy for your children to experience the world via peering through the living room curtains. Or to dump a huge part of parenting on your spouse while you sit on the sofa.

OP, I know one of these — he played computer games upstairs in his ‘study’ if he wasn’t at work, appearing grudgingly at meals. Not surprisingly, his sons absorbed the idea that daddies are glued to a screen while mummies take you swimming, to the park etc. Equally not surprisingly, he’s now divorced. He’s delighted with life, because now there’s no one suggesting he take the boys to the park when they’re with him, he can just game.

Otter71 · 28/12/2020 04:55

Is there a reason why he can't join you? Agoraphobia can be powerful for example? Does he need help rather than being pushed out? What does he say? Is he just ridiculously scared of covid from meeting with others? There are many like that too...Look after yoursel keep talking if you can and find a compromise but if t5cant, start getting your ducks in line...

loveyourself2020 · 28/12/2020 05:04

My husband is similar but for him it is anything that requires spending money. He likes too do outdoor stuff but has to be something special, like longer hikes and stuff, everything else is either too boring or too expensive. All he is willing to pay is drip coffee anything more is too much. If I want to go for ice cream he would say, we can buy a tab of ice cream for the price of one, if I want to go for drinks, we can buy a six pack for a price of one, if I want to go for diner he would remind me how much food he can buy for the price of one dinner. I tried to compensate and do things alone or with the kids but without him, but the question is, what is the point of having him around if he does not want to do anything with us.

Sparky888 · 28/12/2020 05:25

What is the point of living with him?

Does he love you? It’s not just a thought but actual action from him. It doesn’t sound like he is actively loving you or the kids.

Life is too short to be so lonely.

waitrosetrollydolly · 28/12/2020 05:50

Change the Internet password before you go out next time . I'm guessing all this time he needs alone is so he can indulge in whatever internet crap he usually does when he's at his usual workplace that he can't do any longer as he now is working from home.
It might be gambling, might be watching old episodes of Corrie or watching pole dancers. But to him it's kore interesting than going out with the family . I hope for your sake it's indulging in something non
relationship threatening stuff.

If he's genuinely just absolutely knackered from burnout /overwork though he may need help.

Best of luck either way.

Treacletreacle · 28/12/2020 08:06

I have photo album's full of all the holidays and day trips I took my son on. People have assumed im a single parent, I even had a rather embarrassing flight once, where the man sitting next to us had miss understood my young sons comment and remarked how he was impressed at how I was coping as a young widow. 🙈 How do you explain im neither a widow or a single parent, just my partner can not be bothered or is not interested in doing anything with us? I once told my partner if you're waiting for your son's to come and have a pint with you when they are older you will have lost them by then and low and behold his children don't contact him now they are older. My dad didn't do much with us when we were children (he worked nights and was asleep most of the time) I do question if I just followed a pattern with how my mum did everything. All I know is my children know who was there and who to come to.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 28/12/2020 08:11

@annabellacomestotea

You have no ties. You're only 31. The only person making you a caged bird is yourself.

nosswith · 28/12/2020 08:16

Not leaving the house even to walk the dog is a concern for his health, even at his age. Poor example for your DC too.

YANBU to hate it.

Ivytheterrible79 · 28/12/2020 08:19

My husband is a stay at home dad and I have organised it so that I earn enough to pay for everything. This way I'm with him by choice. I am free to get by on my own now. The kids have started commenting on his laziness and I just let them now.

Recently I've been dreaming of being with someone who plans things for me, shows me something new and says something interesting.

I believe that as women get older they become more interesting and bold and men become more dull and boring.

If I get told to relax one more time I might scream.

Bagelsandbrie · 28/12/2020 08:20

Kind of a side point but reading this thread and others like it it’s easy to see why men have a higher rate of heart disease and heart attacks! So, so lazy! Couldn’t stand to be with anyone like this. Infact my first dh was like this and it drove me insane. It’s one of the reasons we ended up divorcing.

FippertyGibbett · 28/12/2020 08:22

I suppose the question is what does he put into your relationship, and into being a father ?

Nomoresleeps · 28/12/2020 08:25

I had an exh exactly like this. He never walked the dog either.

Weirdly nearly every relationship I have had has been like this. Even my first long term boyfriend from when I was a teenager never wanted to go out.

NerrSnerr · 28/12/2020 08:34

He needs to pull his weight on days out with the children. My husband would rather stay in and pre children we had to compromise (he'd come for a walk or trip out sometimes). With kids he has to suck it up. What if you're not there? Does he never take them out?

Have you spoken to him about it?