Husband never wants to go anywhere

[Leagueofgentlemenfan]

Can anyone relate? My husband is a homebody, so am i, but i do like to go out just for an hour or (walk the dog , or take the kids to the park on their bikes). He wont go anywhere! We are only 35 years old .i feel like he holds us back so much.
I do absolutley everything on my own. I even take our children to the seaside on my own. People must think im a single parent.

I know i cant force him but i feel like his life is passing him by and hes just sitting on the sofa every day. If i do encourage him to come he moans alot and spoils it.
Hes been working from home since march and has basically not left the sofa in all that time.
Can anyone relate?

I’m a homebody and so is my partner, so when we do go out and about it’s something we both want to do. I can’t stand the idea of always having to be going places for “something to do” and I used to hate being dragged places by my parents as a kid so we make sure with our DC that they never feel like that and we always do fun stuff with them that they want to do, just not every weekend. It’s all about compatibility though - me and my partner are suited in our outlooks, clearly others aren’t. We have a male friend who resents that his wife micromanages every weekend with activities and feels like he never gets a chance to relax.

I posted on this exact topic op and got maybe more measured responses... It hasn't changed tho really and and as a pp said it feels like a lust for life thing. His parents are exactly the same tho, more than happy to stay home, lockdown didn't bother them in the slightest. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do at home all the time! I do go out with dc but it's draining always being the one to suggest and be the driving force of it. And when he does come it's a 'If we have to', 'We should probably head home now' mood so there's no win. I agree also re women getting a bit bolder as we age.

I had to have a couple of massive rows with my DH about this. He got so upset and said I didn't need to shout. I said I did. I had to scream the house down because nothing ever changed. I felt so suffocated. And I told him I would scream again if I got to breaking point about his refusal to ever do anything. It really worked. He finally realised. I listed everything we wanted to do that got constantly put on hold, everything we did without him, everything we missed out on socially because he didn't fancy it.
He hates rows. We never row (about five times in 27 years) so he finally listened because I showed no repentance at having totally lost it and he didn't want another row like it. Since then he really is a changed man. He comes out, does loads of stuff, sometimes even suggests stuff. I did make a point of saying how lovely it was to have him with us or how glad I was we were finally off on holiday abroad instead of in some stinking damp cottage in Wales.

In your position I'd really challenge him. A proper, long, not giving in conversation asking all the diffficult questions: you are 35 - do you really want to give up on life already? Your DC are growing up - are you 100% sure you'd rather sit on your arse on a sofa than enjoy spending time with them? Do you think you are run down or depressed? Would you try iron/VitD spray/15 mins HIIT exercises every day to kick start your energy? Is there nothing you'd like to do before you die? If we died in a car crash today is there anything you wish you'd done with us? What is it: Shall we do it today? Etc etc. Mix in some comments about loving him and loving his company and how happy he makes you all when he comes out as a family with a smile on his face and connects with DC and with you. etc etc. Worth a try.

Yep, my ex was like this. Not when we initially got together, but gradually to the point where I felt like a single parent. Essentially he was avoiding spending time with us. I couldn't understand it as I WANTED to go out all together as a family and experience things.

So I left him. Turns out he was messaging another woman and his thoughts were elsewhere . I'm a much happier single parent though. I'm 59, so unlikely to meet anyone else, but that's fine with me!

That's it exactly, you want him to enjoy it, to initiate it etc. My dh is good on holidays say but not on weekends. Or if it's na arranged daytrip he will generally be OK. He likes rules around it tho, eg returning home by X time etc.. My dh then complains that I don't show great enthusiasm for going out just us when the truth is I have given up after years of being the instigator. We moved and I don't have as many willing other mums to get together with, or perhaps it's an age thing, I miss that.

I'm 50 not 59. Same applies though.

It's two degrees outside in the middle of a global pandemic, who wants to leave the house right now? Where is there to even go? My DP suggested going for a walk yesterday and I just boggled at him from the nice warm sofa.

I'm actually not a huge fan of being out and about for the sake of it, especially in the winter - perfectly happy to hibernate indoors. And a lot of the things that will get me out and about - gigs, theatre, socialising, sports events - haven't been options lately. Turns out I'd much rather just listen to music, read, watch films and sports indoors than just wander aimlessly around the neighbourhood.

I agree that someone who was resistant to doing anything in non-pandemic times would drive me up the wall. But maybe he needs a more focused plan/reason to be out of the house.

For the sake of it tho is exercise, fresh air, better sleep, nature etc. To me those are all hugely important and daily requirements.. I suspect op's dh is lie this outside of a pandemic. You can have the couch time and the outdoor time.

I believe that as women get older they become more interesting and bold and men become more dull and boring.

I was coming on to say something similar. Not ALL men obviously. But a lot of them.

The lack of effort or interest in the world is such a turn-off.

loveyourself2020

Your stock answer should be ‘it’s cheaper than a divorce’

I was coming on to say something similar. Not ALL men obviously. But a lot of them

I think sometimes its just a shock. I mean when they are young and have the looks and the money its all good. When they lose that amd realise they have to actually have something that resembles a personality ....

You don't have tine to notice when the kids are young too busy blending food or potty training or changing nappies etc when kids are olds and do stuff for themselves akd go out on their own etc you realise you actually don't have anything to talk about.

It's never agoraphobia either. Of u shoved an xbox or an envelope of cash in a hiding place in the garden they'd go get it.

They'd go get a sox pack to take to their friends to. Of their mates invited them over fir a pint akd some poker they'd go.

The agoraphobia ony manifests itself when it comes to taking the kids shoe shopping 🤔

It's not agoraphobia though is it. Nothing whatsoever to indicate that.

This is so, so common. There are so many threads like this on here. On one recent one a poster commented that 'men atrophy in middle age' which I'd agree with. This guy is only in his 30s though which is hardly middle aged! Meaning he's likely to get even worse if anything.

Im glad to see im not alone but also sad that so many men are like this. Of course not all men but i think a lot would quite happily live alone.
My friend and her husband are very well matched. They do everything together. It makes me so sad.

Same here. Wants to do nothing but drink and play computer games, which is fine when it isn't 24/7.

It's lonely and bloody boring!

There is a difference between just being a homebody and being lazy and not engaging with the family.
My dh isn’t lazy, he does a lot, spends time doing stuff with kids but just doesn’t want to bloody go out much. It’s so frustrating for me as I’m all about experiences, fresh air and exploring.
We’ve learnt to tick along. I go out with and without kids, and sometimes with dh. He’s happy to stay at home with the kids when I want to go off somewhere by myself.
I wish he had the same passion for it as I do but he doesn’t.
I wish I’d seen it for what it was before marriage instead of believing all his excuses of being tired or busy and thinking it would be different next time.

I think this is a big part of the reason why statistically single women are so much happier than married women.

I think once children have flown the nest women can thrive with their new found freedom and lessened responsibility for others, and want to spend time socialising and going off having adventures and doing new things.

More often and not they find their husbands are just content to sit at home watching sport or whatever - men become very 'pipe and slippers' so much earlier.

I think if women have plenty of single/divorced/windowed etc friends to go and do things with this can work ok, as long as the men aren't controlling and stroppy about them going eg not wanting to be left to make their own tea etc.

But if the women want to do things with their partner and want them to want to do those things too it's a source of resentment on both sides and shows a core incompatibility.

Disclaimer- speaking generally, I'm sure there are men who still like having a life!!

@Leagueofgentlemenfan

Oh yes i never let him hold me back. I take the kids to lots of places. Just always alone. Hes never in photos. No making memories. I dont know why im with him . Im stuck

This is so sad :(

Yes Salem, that's it.. I thought the same i think plus pre kids I just did my own thing and it wasn't an issue. Yes I can do things alone now but hard to never be the one with house to myself and always feeling like I'm going out when he's not.. My going out usually just a walk or a coffee with a friend by the way. If be delighted if he'd even it up a bit as I do feel he resents it slightly.. I've even considered moving back to where we moved from if it would change things.. He doesn't know many here and that plus introvert doesn't help.

@ThelmaNotLouise

I’m a homebody and so is my partner, so when we do go out and about it’s something we both want to do. I can’t stand the idea of always having to be going places for “something to do” and I used to hate being dragged places by my parents as a kid so we make sure with our DC that they never feel like that and we always do fun stuff with them that they want to do, just not every weekend. It’s all about compatibility though - me and my partner are suited in our outlooks, clearly others aren’t. We have a male friend who resents that his wife micromanages every weekend with activities and feels like he never gets a chance to relax.

I think this is the crux of it. A few of the men mentioned seem like gaming or porn addicts and want their families out so they can sadly indulge without anyone else around. Some could also be experiencing depression/anxiety. However quite a few of the men mentioned on this thread seem like homebodies and there's nothing wrong with that per se, it's simply a difference in personality. For a lot of people, the day to day strain of work and having noisy and demanding children around, mean they want to spend the vast majority of their free time relaxing or doing stuff at home or spending time on their own to recharge.

If you date with your eyes open, these are traits you recognise during the dating stage after you've passed the 'honeymoon period' when a couple naturally spends a lot of their time together. They should have broken up with these men back then before allowing things to progress to marriage and kids, who will now suffer their family breaking up. A natural extrovert, for example, will always want to be out and about doing things, regardless of family life.

Please please have a long hard look at your relationships and ask whether you are happy? And if not seek to make changes. Those with children ask yourselves if this is how you want to model a relationship to them?
Sitting on the sofa all day, playing online games all day? Those are not the behaviours I would expect of a grown man in a committed relationship with children.
There are some lovely men out there who enjoy being out and about and would happily take part in a normal family life.
And those of you who are afraid of being alone, think about it - you basically already are. You only get one life - live it to the fullest and be happy.

My ex was a bit like this (he was also having an affair so his thoughts obviously weren't with his family . I was a single parent long before I was actually a single parent, if you get me.
At least this meant that I finally dumped his sorry arse, nothing much changed!
for you, OP.

Sadly I think you're right MixMatch but it is done now..

“There are some lovely men out there who enjoy being out and about and would happily take part in a normal family life”

Yep and most of them are out with their families! They have been snapped up and no woman would be stupid enough to let one of them go would they?

The men I found in their 40’s and 50’s when dating might have wanted to go out but it was usually to pubs, football or on their bike.

A lot of men just aren’t into family life. They had kids cos their wives wanted them and the experience has been as disappointing as they expected so they shy away from it.

It’s demoralising. My exh was like this. Didn’t take to having kids and did everything he could to pull away from family life. He is Disney dad now on the 2 days out of 14 he has them! The other 12 days he gets to do nothing so is happy as a pig in shit!

He is Disney dad now on the 2 days out of 14 he has them! The other 12 days he gets to do nothing so is happy as a pig in shit!

I mean, other than the negative fact of you not being together any more, is this a bad thing? Someone being a good dad for 15% of the time is better someone being a crap dad 100% of the time, I assume. It also means you get time away from being 100% caregiver as well.

@Lotsachocolateplease

Please please have a long hard look at your relationships and ask whether you are happy? And if not seek to make changes. Those with children ask yourselves if this is how you want to model a relationship to them? Sitting on the sofa all day, playing online games all day? Those are not the behaviours I would expect of a grown man in a committed relationship with children. There are some lovely men out there who enjoy being out and about and would happily take part in a normal family life. And those of you who are afraid of being alone, think about it - you basically already are. You only get one life - live it to the fullest and be happy.

Nearly all lovely family men are taken by the time you get to 40s and beyond. The very fact they're family oriented men means they're keen for family life, therefore settle down in 20s and 30s and get married, have kids, and stay married.

Divorced men are disproportionately those who are NOT good partners/fathers. In a lot of cases if they were good husbands/fathers, they wouldn't be divorced in the first place. You often swap one set of problems for another set (or even the same set of problems but carefully hidden by the man initially!). Even if a lovely man got divorced, as an equal parent, his time would naturally be much more focused on his own kids than looking about for a new partner or to parent more kids that are not his. It's the crap men who see their kids a lot less than the mother, who have all the time to invest in dating. Also "family man" doesn't equal going out all the time; he can be a family man at home so it's simply an issue of personality compatibility and compromise. Counselling could be really beneficial here to help reach a compromise that both partners can work with.