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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you react to this?

114 replies

Othering · 27/12/2020 08:41

Starting to discuss buying a property with my oh. Tentatively looking. Him very keen and said yesterday, come on, let's spend the afternoon on rightmove, which we did. I then said, shall we watch a film and he said no, let's watch grand designs. At the end of each episode, he said, let's watch another, so we ended up watching about 5 episodes. Unrelated argument kicked off later, him screaming at me. He went absolutely nuts about all kinds but amongst it all, he said that I'd made him look at houses and TV programmes and that he hadn't watched any football and fuck buying a house. He has previous for going absolutely spare, losing his temper from nowhere, so this isn't the first time but I think suffice to say, the house hunt is off.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/12/2020 13:22

Many successful CEOs have sociopathic traits. It's what helps them become successful. A lack of empathy can be a positive trait in business (as it can in politics) because it allows him to make hard decisions - redundancies, etc - without the burden of feeling sorry for the people losing their jobs.

Unfortunately it makes him a shit partner in a relationship, and that shittiness has now progressed to outright abuse.

I'm sure this didn't happen overnight - if he was this much of a cock from day one, you'd have walked long ago. I'm guessing he's gradually got worse over a long period? Do you know the "boiling frog" analogy?

The big question is what you want to do now. I'm assuming either he lives with you in the house you own, or that you rent together?

Do you want to give him a chance to change his behaviour (I know for me I felt I had to do this before leaving my ex - I wanted to be able to say "I tried" even though he wouldn't.) If you do want to give him a chance, it's important to decide what your limits are. You can't just say "I want him to stop being a dick" - you've got to have specific, measurable goals.

One of mine, for example, was "When we disagree on something, I want us to either find a compromise position, or to agree to disagree. We need to get there with good grace, respect, and understanding. That means no shouting, no name calling, no swearing, no emotional Blackmail, no lying, no deliberately hurting each other by using painful things from the past or each others insecurities."

That seems like a totally reasonable thing to ask, right? When I laid it out in black and white, and my ex said that my demands to treat and be treated with love and respect were unreasonable - that was when I knew that my decision to leave was totally justified. Because no reasonable person refuses to treat their partner, the person they claim to love the most, with care and respect. That is the bare minimum we should require in a relationship. To be treated with respect.

Harmarsuperstar · 30/12/2020 13:42

Sounds like your partner will want to install gas lighting if you buy a house with him...

Othering · 30/12/2020 14:08

I definitely won't be buying a house with him, that's for sure.

OP posts:
Deathraystare · 31/12/2020 18:57

Leave the little man alone with his football...

Allispretty · 31/12/2020 19:15

Jesus Christ I'm flabbergasted to read some of the posts on here sometimes and how little women think of themselves 🤦🏽‍♀️ do yourself a favour and get rid of him

Packitin · 31/12/2020 19:24

That kind of man is exhausting and so fucking childish. Couldn't cope with it.

That said, 16 years is a long arse time so he cant be all bad.

Stating the obvious here but talk talk talk. He needs to bring down the defences and talk to you. Work out a better way to resolve things. If he isn't willing to try, then the ball is in your court. You seem willing, he has to aswell.

Otherwise....wow....fuck all that x

Othering · 31/12/2020 22:38

He isn't all bad. Far from it. He's the archetypal ideal man. Tall dark handsome clever charming funny rich generous sexy. He also has adhd. Lots of problems since a child. Very difficult. Huge ego, selfish, world must revolve around him, throws huge tantrums, increasingly distant and detached, values women for their looks, sociopath blar blar blar.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 31/12/2020 22:45

@Othering

Oh and the argument started because he said there was always a clause in tenancy agreements that the heating must be left on constantly. I said that that just wasn't true and he went ballastic, saying that I was calling him in to question and nit picking.
But there is in most standard AST agreements. It will say that the tenant must “keep the Property adequately ventilated and heated so as to prevent damage from condensation;..”
PlanDeRaccordement · 31/12/2020 22:57

Still wouldn’t buy a house with him though. Or stay in relationship. He’s got anger issues.

Regularsizedrudy · 31/12/2020 23:00

Weird to see “isn’t all bad” and “sociopath” in the same sentence Confused. Jesus Christ. He is NOT the ideal man you’ve just been brainwashed. Demand more for yourself.

Floydian · 01/01/2021 07:35

If you are clearing up his spit you need to know that you have "dignity" and that you need to take that back. At all costs. No one is worth that. Ever.

Othering · 01/01/2021 09:10

I feel utterly humiliated by it all. I caught glimpses of his phone last night and could see the endless messages coming in from his mates of lovely porny pictures. I'm sat there on the sofa by myself, with him saying, you're quiet, knowing that he's just sat there looking at this shit. His ex wife had a mental breakdown and the woman he had an affair with attempted suicide. He is a vile misogynist and if I could tell you who he is and what his role in the public eye is, you'd be so shocked. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know all this about him and I loathe him but I also know that I'm destroyed by it all and that he couldn't love me enough to try to make it work. He used to adore me but I guess I don't hold that same allure anymore as a middle-aged woman who's lost the bloom of youth. I know it's over between us. I suspect he'll end it anyway in the next few days. Things have come to a head really, so it's just a matter of time now.

OP posts:
LaMainDeFatima · 01/01/2021 09:32

Time to move on . Start thinking about what needs to be done to untwine yourself from him

Othering · 01/01/2021 09:39

I'll let him do the thinking. I caught myself doing exactly that this morning. Thinking about accounts and joint stuff and general admin but I then thought, fuck it, let him figure it all out. Admin, passwords, emails etc is his achilles heel and he loathes dealing with it all, finds it stressful and gets his minions to do it all for him. My little gift to him!

OP posts:
PerfidiousAlbion · 01/01/2021 09:57

He doesn't like you or love you.

It sounds like he's trying to make you end it to prevent him from looking like 'the bad guy' if he does it. It protects his ego.

He's still a misogynistic abuser, even if he is tall, dark, handsome and rich.

VettiyaIruken · 01/01/2021 10:06

Are you really saying that because you loved him once, rather than call it quits after giving him 16 years of his life, you will give him your future years - 10, 20, 30? So that you don't 'lose' the years you already wasted?

VettiyaIruken · 01/01/2021 10:06

Your not his

RandomMess · 01/01/2021 10:11

So glad you realise you do need to end it.

No surprise his ex and a breakdown he no doubt caused it!

Keep getting your ducks in a row and go through with ending it Thanks

AbiBrown · 01/01/2021 10:13

He sounds awful. There's a absolutely nothing approaching ideal in your description. And no, most of us wouldn't be shocked. As a pp said, a lot of these CEO types are execrable human beings. Best of luck, hope you recover your dignity and your happiness in this new year!

Treemama · 01/01/2021 13:00

Wouldn't be surprised if he was the former CEO of Macdonalds by your description and his reputation of bad man after the sex scandal Hmm. Although wouldn't call him handsome imo.

Othering · 01/01/2021 18:21

No, not McDonald's. He's very current. I feel like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown to be honest. I had a total meltdown in the car today. I felt and sounded like a wounded animal. I feel like my grasp is slipping away from me.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 01/01/2021 18:25

He sounds like he has some kind of psychiatric disorder, obsessional behaviour followed by rage. I'm not sure I'd want to buy a house with him.

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 18:30

OP you are doing the right thing right now for you.... please trust your choices.. you are making them for the right reasons... you will be okay 🌺

StrippedFridge · 01/01/2021 19:06

He has driven two other women insane. You are going that way. How can you best protect yourself? Can you walk out with a suitcase and stay somewhere else?

Plussizejumpsuit · 01/01/2021 19:18

If he's a ceo why are you renting?
Also if you've been together 16 years is this the first time he's lost it over nothing. He sounds bonkers!