How would you react to this?

[Othering]

Starting to discuss buying a property with my oh. Tentatively looking. Him very keen and said yesterday, come on, let's spend the afternoon on rightmove, which we did. I then said, shall we watch a film and he said no, let's watch grand designs. At the end of each episode, he said, let's watch another, so we ended up watching about 5 episodes. Unrelated argument kicked off later, him screaming at me. He went absolutely nuts about all kinds but amongst it all, he said that I'd made him look at houses and TV programmes and that he hadn't watched any football and fuck buying a house. He has previous for going absolutely spare, losing his temper from nowhere, so this isn't the first time but I think suffice to say, the house hunt is off.

@underthebridger

If I said such a stupid thing I would expect to be ribbed mercilessly by all and sundry. Dont let him get away with it. Ask him how tenants survive the summer nights with all their radiators on full blast?

I did. I said lots of people can't afford to have their heating on all night. I could see the flash of anger in his eyes at that and thought to myself, OK, he's storing that up for later to use as a reason to explode. I can see the signs.

He’s nuts!

Why do you think so little of yourself to be with someone like this for 16 years?

How would I react? I would leave. But you don’t want to apparently so what is the point of this post?

This gets worse ... you say 'I do live on my own a lot, he often works away' so why is he so vile to you when he is with you?

A lot of us are having to spend a lot more time than usual with our DHs/DPs this year ... my DH has been WFH since March, in normal times he would be away at least 2-3 nights a fortnight plus many days out so yes, at times we have got a little irritated with each other but no shouting, screaming or swearing ..... why do you put up with this? Presumably you are financially independent?

I am financially independent yes. I don't know why I put up with it.

The past is done, fixed, for good, for bad, for all of it. Gone. Not going to change.

I know people say LTB and TBH I'd join them - a good relationship should make you feel safe and happy and "home". We do understand that after 16 years though it's a bit like turning a tanker round.
It does sound like... you might like to take a break from seeing him for the next week?
And then the week after that.
Then maybe you might "want some space".
Then "a break".
Then maybe decide that you're not the same people that you were when you got together...
And bosh, your tanker is turned and you're not tied to someone who goes nuclear and then doesn't apologize and try to do better. Yay! Welcome to your new start.

He’s a horrible, nasty person.
You’re lucky to be financially independent. Tell him to fuck off and then start enjoying your life.

And I would advise you just to observe him for a while. Try not to get emotionally involved. Just calmly watch him, how he acts, how he speaks, the way he treats you.
You won’t be able to unsee it.
Then it’s up to you what to do next.

Are you both living in your house at the moment?

Another loony tune

Im guessing you put up with it because it’s been a slow progress him getting to this point. If he’d have exploded like that straight away there’s no way you’d have lit up with it, but he’s done it slowly over time.

You can see from everyone’s reaction here, this is neither normal or acceptable. You do not have to stay with him, you do not need to give him a reason why you’re not staying with him. Just make sure that you are safe and start making plans for a life for yourself

So he goes off on one at the blink of an eye , he never apologizes and likes to sulk , blaming you for causing the argument in the first place .

The only question is why are you still with him . What an abusive twat . You say you have your own money , use it , to get the fuck away from him . Let him have his tantrums on his own

@Othering

Oh and the argument started because he said there was always a clause in tenancy agreements that the heating must be left on constantly. I said that that just wasn't true and he went ballastic, saying that I was calling him in to question and nit picking.

This is deranged/delusional talk.

He sounds unwell. Please do not buy a house with him !!!

I'm taking all your comments in. Thank you for all your words. I'm just having a pretty shit couple of days and keep bursting in to tears, including in b&q today. I keep zoning out and just staring in to space. I even took myself outside earlier today and punched the wall several times. In despair, anger, hurt, humiliation. It felt like self harm. I've never done that before. I think I've damaged my knuckles. He keeps asking what's wrong and I can't even bring myself to look him in the eye or properly engage with him.

He sounds like a bully, trying to intimidate you with this temper. Please don't buy a house with him.

People stay in bad relationships because they believe they can change their OH. 16 years should be time enough for you to realise that he is not going to change and you deserve better.

OP read your posts back... Look and see how you're being expected to live!
This guy is no good for you... The fact you see 'glints' in his eye and know what's coming is proof in itself.
The twisting of events and situations show he's very unpredictable.
Just because you've been together 16 years, it doesn't mean you need to stay with him.
Don't even consider buying a house with him. He's not wired up right

During a conversation the other day, we talked about the police and being spat at and how absolutely disgusting it was. After the latest almighty rant he went on at me, he was outside in my garden for a while, smoking. The next day, I found 3 huge blobs of spit right outside the back door. He'd done it on purpose, in anger. It feels like the ultimate fuck you from him and shows a total lack of respect. This isn't some lout of a man, as you might imagine. This is a 50 year old CEO of a global company, highly respected in work, charming, funny, wearing his Boss fucking clothes. I loathe him.

I had a relationship a little bit like this, for over a decade. As suggested by a previous poster, the escalation of unreasonable behaviour was gradual and not ‘all the time’ so it took me some time to leave.

Honestly, it was the best thing I ever did, and I’m so grateful I didn’t hang around for him to grow into your partner.

Ending a long relationship like this is very hard - but it’s not impossible. You do not deserve to be treated like this, and it doesn’t matter if he’s nice as pie the rest of the time.

How dare him? Kick him out!

I don't want this to be the end. I loved him so much once. We were great but this is sending me in to a fast downward spiral of despair. I know I can't fix it though. He has no interest in fixing it or making things right. I am so humiliated to think that I cleaned up his spit. That he even did it. That he knew I cleaned it up and let me and said nothing.

He is nasty. You've just got to admit it to yourself. It's not a bad reflection on you. You haven't failed. You might have loved him once but you have to accept he is nasty, and get yourself out. Delude yourself no longer. It's a really positive, successful thing to do- to get yourself out of this relationship.

He sounds absolutely vile. It sounds like he is getting more aggressive very rapidly.
This is a MAJOR red flag.

He's beyond manipulative. He's purposely degrading you and enjoying it. Get rid - loving him once upon a time doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your whole life.