Won't tell his family about us

[cindylouwhosplaits]

Ok, so I'm after opinions on if this is pretty normal or if this is a massive red flag. I just can't decide and although I have told friends, their opinions are mixed.

Met a guy on Tinder in August. Both of us separated from long relationships since this time last year. Got on great. Sex is fantastic, he's very considerate and makes me laugh a lot.

Spent a lot of time together pretty much since September whenever my children were at ex-DH's (50/50) as we made a support bubble together and he was furloughed. He was the one who said we should be exclusive (I was "seeing" a couple of other men until we got together) Asked me to be his girlfriend and told me he loved me in October. No children but was with his ex-wife for 20+ years and they still live in the same village and a lot of her belongings are in his house so I've never been there- he always comes here.

Problem is, he hasn't told any of his family that he's even dating, never mind that he has a girlfriend. He says this is because his ex-wife is like family to his sister and sister in law and they are holding out hope they will get back together one day.

He was here Christmas Eve and now I won't see him until possibly the New Year as he's with his brother/sister and families for Christmas. He also told me his ex-wife is likely to be there on Boxing Day as she's best friends with his sister. This is obviously likely to now not go ahead due to the new restrictions, but I'm not sure how strict they are with adhering to them. He hasn't mentioned if he will/won't be seeing her and I don't want to ask!

There was no big bust up in their marriage, just that they fell out of love and it became more of a brother/sister thing rather than husband/wife.

Am I stupid for believing him? That he genuinely is in to me and that he isn't hiding me away but just doesn't want to say anything just yet as she's obviously a big part of his family due to being together so long? I haven't introduced him to my children and so is that the same thing?

Would you be pissed off or accept he will tell them when he's good and ready?

Does his facebook status say that he's single? (think I can guess what you're gonna say here) :(

I think he is still seeing her. Maybe they are separated and working on it. etc He is holding out he is getting back with her. I'd dial back quickly.

I wonder if his ex knows they've split up.

Yeah he's either not single or he's hoping to get back with the ex. Either way, he's not for you.

It sounds like he's either keeping his options open for a reconciliation, or they are both still living in the same house and he doesn't want to have to move out.

Or he's married to a shift worker and not separated at all. Sorry

Not introducing him to your dcs is completely different, they are children and need to be introduced only when you are pretty sure the relationship will last Long term.

I would think it not quite sure yet, maybe because it's a fairly new relationship, he doesn't want to introduce you if he thinks there is a chance of breaking up.
If I was you I would start wanting to go go to his for a change, start meeting his friends snd all going well, meeting his family in by next year, if he's not wanting these plans with you then he's not that interested.

Sorry for typos 😊

I would be very suspicious. Is he much older than you?

It's all very messy and he's not ready to move on. I wouldn't be happy with him spending Boxing Day with his ex wife. He is doing the minimum in his life so he can avoid conflict. If he does explain about you it's going to be a car crash because the family expect him to get back with his ex. Does he? He claims he doesn't but he's not doing anything to make you a permanent feature. I think you need to explain to him how this set up isn't fair anymore and if he's not willing to change it then I think it's time for you to face facts that you are not an equal part of this relationship.

10 to 1 he's the only person in his marroage who knows theyre divorced.

I think he probably is genuinely into you OP.

But he basically has a clan, and you will be the outsider.

5 months is not long. Does he have mentionitis about the ex?

It's not so much the boxing day arrangements....it's his family hoping he reconciles with his Ex that would put me off.....and him not having the guts to tell them it won't happen...unless he's hoping for the same.

Will they ever accept you? The situation isn't attractive tbh.

Oh come ooon now!
Of course he's still with her.
He's just stringing you along.

Do better.

Its very possible he is lying and still with his wife or hoping to reconcile. Its also possible he is splitting but doing it very slowly. Neither option is good.

You are nothing to be ashamed of and if he is keeping you secret, he isn't wortg your time.

They may have broken up, but I'm wondering if he has emotionally separated from her. Seems like their lives are still pretty enmeshed.

And yes, it is a red flag.
Big one

You met him in August and 2 months later said he loved you..hasn't told his family, never been to his house, not seeing him for a week over Christmas ..red flags everywhere

Sounds like hes quite happily spending Christmas with his wife.

Never been to his house. Family doesn't know about you. Big red flags. Sounds like he's still with his wife.

Red flag. I’d walk away .

Is he worth all these complications even if he's genuine? Are you getting what you need? I'd be very wary if you have never been to his house.

If he says he loves you and your his girlfriend, there is no reason why he is not introducing you to his family.
He said because his family are hoping that they get back together? He thinks that's a valid reason?

I'm with other posters. He is definitely still seeing her

@VettiyaIruken

I wonder if his ex knows they've split up.

Yeah, very much this.

It depends how much time you have spent together in recent months.

If you have been together weekends, week days for long periods then I do not agree he is cheating on a wife at home.

If however he has a pattern say - no weekends, every other week type of thing - basically a pattern that would go with a story about working 'away' then perhaps there is a wife at home.

What signs of a divorce are there ?

Basically- you need to talk with him. Tell him you understand it's going to be unpopular with family but as soon as they know they can start to wrap their heads around the fact he isn't about to reconcile with his ex.. The sooner it starts that process the better - the status quo just leaves them assuming a situation that isn't true .

They are still together otherwise there is no reason for you not to go to his house or meet his family . Sorry OP