Won't tell his family about us

[cindylouwhosplaits]

Ok, so I'm after opinions on if this is pretty normal or if this is a massive red flag. I just can't decide and although I have told friends, their opinions are mixed.

Met a guy on Tinder in August. Both of us separated from long relationships since this time last year. Got on great. Sex is fantastic, he's very considerate and makes me laugh a lot.

Spent a lot of time together pretty much since September whenever my children were at ex-DH's (50/50) as we made a support bubble together and he was furloughed. He was the one who said we should be exclusive (I was "seeing" a couple of other men until we got together) Asked me to be his girlfriend and told me he loved me in October. No children but was with his ex-wife for 20+ years and they still live in the same village and a lot of her belongings are in his house so I've never been there- he always comes here.

Problem is, he hasn't told any of his family that he's even dating, never mind that he has a girlfriend. He says this is because his ex-wife is like family to his sister and sister in law and they are holding out hope they will get back together one day.

He was here Christmas Eve and now I won't see him until possibly the New Year as he's with his brother/sister and families for Christmas. He also told me his ex-wife is likely to be there on Boxing Day as she's best friends with his sister. This is obviously likely to now not go ahead due to the new restrictions, but I'm not sure how strict they are with adhering to them. He hasn't mentioned if he will/won't be seeing her and I don't want to ask!

There was no big bust up in their marriage, just that they fell out of love and it became more of a brother/sister thing rather than husband/wife.

Am I stupid for believing him? That he genuinely is in to me and that he isn't hiding me away but just doesn't want to say anything just yet as she's obviously a big part of his family due to being together so long? I haven't introduced him to my children and so is that the same thing?

Would you be pissed off or accept he will tell them when he's good and ready?

I would probably feel comfortable to say I'll pop down one night after work on a Friday or go on a Saturday to save him doing the driving for once. Then I could gauge his reaction. Or would you just cut your losses now?

I'd probably try this just for the hell of it and to see him panic, but you know deep down what the deal is here so realistically it's unlikely to get you anywhere

It's also worth pointing out that partnered men often do pick someone who lives a fair distance away - after all it lessens the chance of you seeing them with someone else and of you just turning up

The thing is, that would give him time to arrange for a lovely spa day for his wife or for her to see a relative etc. Giving him advance warning isn't going to allow you to truly guage his reaction. Better to say I'm on my way...be about 10 mins then see him come up with all the reasons under the sun why he can't finish work/get home/ leave his poorly mother etc.

It is a major drip feed and only makes me more sure he's still with his so-called ex.

Sounds like he's not single and he's using you.
Hope you get to the bottom of it OP. Good luck!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Best case scenario: He is weak and always opts for the path of least resistance aka coward

Worst case scenario: He is in a relationship with someone else

Neither make him a particularly good option do they?

Agree with this

Well everyone, what do you know? Looks like he IS still in a relationship. Not sure how the hell he's managed it, but after he said he wasn't going to spend New Year's Eve or Day with me (after not spending xmas Day, Boxing Day or 27th with me either) I got down to some Facebook snooping.

Tonight he reckoned he was going to the pub- he's in a Tier 4 area! He called me earlier, obviously a bit drunk and was outside his house. Said he'd popped out for some fresh air and could only be a minute as he had to get back in 🤔

Found his "ex" wife who has a profile pic of them together and cover pic of their wedding photo. Another comment on a pic she put on yesterday from the friends house he went to "alone" on 27th where he had liked it.

Just messaged him to tell him that it's done and he's read it & not responded. I'm guessing the block will appear shortly.

Oh well! Maybe 2021 will be my year to find love.

I loathe that these cheaters just get to walk away from this crap... and onto his next conquest... disgusting behaviour.. I hope your okay OP..

Are you sure he is actually single?

@lyinginthegutterstaringatstars

Are you sure he is actually single?

read OP's update from a few minutes ago...

he is NOT single

What a pig!

You're so much better off without him, OP. Here's to a better 2021!

Sorry @cindylouwhosplaits but at least you’ve only wasted a few months on him before you found out , hope you find someone better in 2021 .

You dodged a bullet there OP. Leave all the crap in 2020 and a Happy New Year

Oh bloody hell! I’m sorry OP

I hope you tell his wife! What a pig he is!

If you hadn't already messaged I would have encouraged you to text him saying "On my way to yours to surprise you - all dressed up and somewhere to go!"

Sorry he turned out to be an age-old married cliche. What a dick.

Yep, I'll be ok. I've got through worse. This time last year I found my DH of 16 years was shagging a school mum and kicked him out straight away so I'll be just fine!

I won't be telling his wife. I'm just not into bringing drama to my door and it's him that should feel horrendous, not me.

The horrible slimy bastard! I’d be telling his wife, poor woman.

You've had a tough year Lady..

you make sue you bring in the Bells with you head held high

What a horrible situation for you, the only silver lining is that you’d found out early on and you deserve far better.

Please do tell his wife if you can. I would want to know in her shoes.

I just keep thinking "what if I'm wrong and I've just thrown away the chance of something great?" 😩

You’re not wrong though are you? He’s still with the wife.

@cindylouwhosplaits

I just keep thinking "what if I'm wrong and I've just thrown away the chance of something great?" 😩

he isn't available .... and repeat 🌺

@cindylouwhosplaits

I just keep thinking "what if I'm wrong and I've just thrown away the chance of something great?" 😩

He is still in a relationship, no chance of something 'great'

I think women have a duty to tell the OW/wife out of sisterhood and loyalty. You don't need to bring 'drama' to your doorstep, you can send her a message and attach proof, then block her and him from every way of contacting you.

As a wife, I WOULD WANT TO KNOW. As someone who was cheated on before, surely you would want to know, too! It's simply the right thing to do. I judge women who don't warn/tell other women they are being cheated on, far FAR WORSE than I do actual cheaters. Because women should know better to just let her stay with a man who cheats on her. In my eyes, as a fellow sister, you are far worse by not doing the right thing and telling her. To not tell her makes you worse than him.

Tell her. I'm sure you would have wanted someone to tell you. It is the right, moral thing to do. It's just common decency, isn't it.

Of course you're not wrong, and sadly had blinders on up until now. It was crystal clear that he is still very much married. I'm sure his wife had no idea her husband had a girlfriend.

Block this idiot and move on. Next time, pay attention to the red flags.

I'd tell his wife too, then you can block everywhere. Just because it's right, and so she can check her sexual health. As you should be doing. Disgusting pig. So sorry this has happened.