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Original poster

Won't tell his family about us

79 replies

cindylouwhosplaits · 25/12/2020 17:45

Ok, so I'm after opinions on if this is pretty normal or if this is a massive red flag. I just can't decide and although I have told friends, their opinions are mixed.

Met a guy on Tinder in August. Both of us separated from long relationships since this time last year. Got on great. Sex is fantastic, he's very considerate and makes me laugh a lot.

Spent a lot of time together pretty much since September whenever my children were at ex-DH's (50/50) as we made a support bubble together and he was furloughed. He was the one who said we should be exclusive (I was "seeing" a couple of other men until we got together) Asked me to be his girlfriend and told me he loved me in October. No children but was with his ex-wife for 20+ years and they still live in the same village and a lot of her belongings are in his house so I've never been there- he always comes here.

Problem is, he hasn't told any of his family that he's even dating, never mind that he has a girlfriend. He says this is because his ex-wife is like family to his sister and sister in law and they are holding out hope they will get back together one day.

He was here Christmas Eve and now I won't see him until possibly the New Year as he's with his brother/sister and families for Christmas. He also told me his ex-wife is likely to be there on Boxing Day as she's best friends with his sister. This is obviously likely to now not go ahead due to the new restrictions, but I'm not sure how strict they are with adhering to them. He hasn't mentioned if he will/won't be seeing her and I don't want to ask!

There was no big bust up in their marriage, just that they fell out of love and it became more of a brother/sister thing rather than husband/wife.

Am I stupid for believing him? That he genuinely is in to me and that he isn't hiding me away but just doesn't want to say anything just yet as she's obviously a big part of his family due to being together so long? I haven't introduced him to my children and so is that the same thing?

Would you be pissed off or accept he will tell them when he's good and ready?

OP posts:
Original poster
cindylouwhosplaits · 25/12/2020 21:42

@Trickyboy

It depends how much time you have spent together in recent months.

If you have been together weekends, week days for long periods then I do not agree he is cheating on a wife at home.

If however he has a pattern say - no weekends, every other week type of thing - basically a pattern that would go with a story about working 'away' then perhaps there is a wife at home.

What signs of a divorce are there ?

Basically- you need to talk with him. Tell him you understand it's going to be unpopular with family but as soon as they know they can start to wrap their heads around the fact he isn't about to reconcile with his ex.. The sooner it starts that process the better - the status quo just leaves them assuming a situation that isn't true .

Thanks everyone.

See, this is the thing as to why I don't think he is still with the ex in a physical way. He has stayed over for 3/4 nights some weeks which has included weekends. We have video called when he has been at home on days where we haven't been together whenever I've felt like calling.

I do think there's some emotional issues though where he's not moved on and doesn't want to move on from his ex. Someone asked if he has mentionitis about the ex and he definitely does.

I think I've known the answer all along that this is a big red flag and that I need to think about what I do going on to 2021. I'm not sure I'm ready to have my heart trampled again.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 25/12/2020 21:51

a lot of her belongings are in his house so I've never been there-

Why would her belongings still being in the house mean you can't go there? They've been split for over a year now and he's scared to tell his family about you. Don't you think that's strange?

On any case, dating a man whose family love his Ex isn't worth it...you'll just be locked at like the one who prevented them getting back together and nothing you ever do will be good enough.

He will never be able to stand up for you...and you'll be left behind when he goes to family events where his wife will be.

BlueThistles · 25/12/2020 21:59

it's not over by a long stretch... and his excuse of his (ex) wife and sister being so close for the reasons for her being at family functions is bollocks.. she there because she's his wife.. 🌺

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/12/2020 22:08

Problem is, he hasn't told any of his family that he's even dating, never mind that he has a girlfriend. He says this is because his ex-wife is like family to his sister and sister in law and they are holding out hope they will get back together one day.

Ok, but he doesn't want to get back with her does he? So what's his plan? Never tell them about a relationship ever again because he would is such a wuss he can't have a grown up conversation with them? Do you want to be with someone who isn't mature enough to be honest with their family?

I wouldn't be assuming he's still with the ex etc, but I would be stopping seeing him because he clearly isn't ready for a relationship (or at least a public one) and he's blaming it on everyone but himself. Very unattractive.

Regularsizedrudy · 25/12/2020 22:39

Don’t be a mug

PBW1 · 25/12/2020 23:11

Agree with FawnDrench.
Plus this happened to me, it took quite a few years though to realise that I’d met THE ‘Billy Liar’ of the century, king of the bare faced liars. Be careful of seeing only what you want to see and making it fit.
If you still want to carry on, make your house out of bounds, tell him your kids are at home or your mother has moved in for a couple of months or something like that and arrange to meet at his etc. Hope all goes okay.

DeeCeeCherry · 26/12/2020 00:17

If you've never seen the colour of his front door he's not your man. You're sharing him.

lifestooshort123 · 26/12/2020 06:53

He still has feelings for ex and he's not ready to let go yet. If you're OK with the emotional baggage then hang in there but you might be sidelined for a long time. You do deserve better tbh.

KatherineJaneway · 26/12/2020 06:56

Problem is, he hasn't told any of his family that he's even dating, never mind that he has a girlfriend. He says this is because his ex-wife is like family to his sister and sister in law and they are holding out hope they will get back together one day.

He sounds very weak.

HidingInTheToiletFor5minsPeace · 26/12/2020 06:58

Her belongings are in his house because it’s also her house. Not a nice situation. I think you should move on- he is wasting your time. Flowers

RosesandPumpkins · 26/12/2020 07:14

Yeah this is ringing alarm bells left right and centre. Even if he is genuine, he clearly doesn’t deal with stuff swiftly or properly and that doesn’t bode well for the future. If he is the kind of person to bow to the feelings of family to the exclusion of you; also doesn’t bode well.
Move on, you deserve so much better.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/12/2020 10:58

10 to 1 he's the only person in his marriage who knows they're divorced

This

It could hardly be more obvious ...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/12/2020 12:01

Best case scenario: He is weak and always opts for the path of least resistance aka coward

Worst case scenario: He is in a relationship with someone else

Neither make him a particularly good option do they?

HollowTalk · 26/12/2020 12:12

So his house is full of his wife's things, you've never been to his house... that alone should tell you everything. Drive to his and call in on him. That will give you your answer.

ImRealHonest · 26/12/2020 12:18

Can I offer a different perspective?

Only one person on ‘my side’ (other than my fella of course), knows I’m dating, and that’s my best mate. We’ve been seeing each other since august as well.

I’m in the process of getting divorced. I absolutely, 100% am. There’s no chance of reconciliation. I’ve ‘met’ his family on zoom, I’ve met a few of his friends. But my family have no idea.

However, my STBXH has a horrific temper and I’m worried that he would react badly if he found out I was dating. Both trying to attack new bloke, and possible suicide attempt (I’ve literally pulled him back from the wrong side of the barriers on a bridge before now). I also saw the reactions of various family members and family friends when my brother moved on quickly from separating from his wife, and 2 years later everyone still sees his new girlfriend as purely a rebound thing even though they seem wonderful together. Maybe not wanting judgement like that makes me weak, wanting the path of least resistance as some PPs have said.

However, having said that, my ex isn’t spending Boxing Day with my family, and we spend equal time at each other’s houses.

The only secret he kept there was that he had a housemate. He’s kinda like a New Yorker version of spike from notting hill, so I can see why his presence wasn’t acknowledged for a while.

MixMatch · 26/12/2020 12:27

@VettiyaIruken

I wonder if his ex knows they've split up.
Grin

Wouldn't be trusting this man at all. Not being invited to his place (especially during evening) is a massive red flag.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 26/12/2020 12:28

Think he is still married

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2020 12:51

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Best case scenario: He is weak and always opts for the path of least resistance aka coward

Worst case scenario: He is in a relationship with someone else

Neither make him a particularly good option do they?

Absolutely this. Even if he's not still with her, he's willing to lie to his family and, if there's pressure on her from his family as there is on him, his keeping you secret is leading her on that they might reconcile, and that is cruel.

He's disrespecting every woman here - you, wife, sister, sister-in-law. Every single one of you, with his lies.

And that's even before we consider his meeting you in August and telling you he loves you by October! And "He was the one who said we should be exclusive", by which he means you should be exclusively his, but he doesn't have to be exclusively yours - or even acknowledged AT ALL. So a hypocrite as well as a liar.

You are not his girlfriend, you are his dirty little secret Sad. You deserve better.

Jobsharenightmare · 26/12/2020 13:23

OP You'd be surprised at how easy it is for him to video call you whilst she's in the garden/ shower/ walking the dog/ phoning a friend she chats to for an hour a time....

People can successfully claim they have to "work away" and manage double lives like this for years if they want.

I think at the very least he himself is hoping they'll get back together.

Ismellphantoms · 26/12/2020 13:32

I'd definitely drive to his house and have a nose. I might even turn up with some Christmas cake to surprise him. Seriously though, you need to know if he's lying to you or not.

Original poster
cindylouwhosplaits · 26/12/2020 17:55

Not a very positive response. I was hoping that as we've only been together 4 months and taking it slowly that I might be rushing things, but from your responses it doesn't seem so.

Hope this isn't a drip feed as I probably should have mentioned in my initial post, but he lives around 2 hours away and as I've been working from home and he's been furloughed, it's generally just been easier for him to come here.

Would you give him a chance and ask to see his home? I would probably feel comfortable to say I'll pop down one night after work on a Friday or go on a Saturday to save him doing the driving for once. Then I could gauge his reaction. Or would you just cut your losses now?

To be honest, none of my family know I'm dating him either as we're not close at all, although I have told some friends and they've "met" him over zoom.

As I only separated from my ex husband in January, I'm not looking for anything properly serious and have been enjoying just dating and getting to know him. I would, however, never knowingly date a man who was still actually in an active marriage- it's really not my style.

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 26/12/2020 18:02

I’d definitely show up at his impromptu for a “romantic” surprise- knock at his door and see the reaction

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/12/2020 18:57

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Best case scenario: He is weak and always opts for the path of least resistance aka coward

Worst case scenario: He is in a relationship with someone else

Neither make him a particularly good option do they?

Im sticking with this OP - can you see that these are the two possible scenarios? And do you think either is acceptable?
billy1966 · 26/12/2020 19:02

You deserve better OP.
Flowers

Chocolate123 · 26/12/2020 19:44

Been there done that and after 6 months he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. Move on you deserve better

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