Photos - Please be gentle with me

[Pollypocket89]

Hi

Please be gentle with me.

Is there any innocent reason your dh would be looking at photos of another woman he knows (work together) on social media?

Because I love him. And I want our life together, that's why I'm still here. I adore him

I don't necessarily mean the baby, I mean why would he actively get me pregnant if you love someone else. I can't get my head around that at all

No they haven't.

@Thewiseoneincognito

She’s prob carrying his other child🙄

Ridiculous comment

OP, I don't know the background here but generally men can often cheat when their partner is pregnant so it's possible. Although I'm not sure there's any evidence for an affair here. But he's definitely thinking of her.

You seem fixated on the idea that a new baby should be a game changer in a situation that appears to have been ongoing for an extended period of time already.

You continue to state that ‘surely’ a baby makes things different. But clearly, to your partner, it really does not.

He is still fixated on another woman, is not willing or able to stop with behaviour you find upsetting. Someone else upthread already used the term compartmentalisation, and I think they are spot on. He isn’t linking the two things at all.

He had a child before and still obsessed over her, now he will simply have two children and obsess over her.

You need to focus on your own motivations and actions because, ultimately, they are the only thing you can control.

Put aside the fact that you are pregnant, you are attaching too much significance. I've not read your other threads but you need to talk to him, you need to take some control and decide your future.

Why is he going along with having another baby? Because it keeps you compliant and allows him to continue doing what he's doing, OP.

Bluecheck, thank you. That actually made a sad kind of sense

i know someone who had IVF with her husband and then had stillbirth twins. they tried for another few years and had a beauttiful DC, followed by another 3 years later. She then found out he had been cheating since before the twins death. It was the stress of IVF apparently. Didnt stop him continuing with it or sinking money into it. He had one main OW & several side ladies. He stayed with the OW for a few years before cheating on her too and moving onto his next victim.

Men dont really come with a "why" button. They just "do" things.

I don't mean to sound like I'm arguing with pp as I'm really not, I'm just trying to come to some sort of understanding

What I'm saying is, if he wanted her and she even might be an option, why would you do that to her either? Surely that just suggests you're more commited to me and our family at least? A child that existed before he met her is different to one being made during, or have I just lost it completely?

OP I’m sorry you are in this situation but your husband is showing no respect for you whatsoever. You deserve better than this. He clearly has a huge crush/is fixated with her and this is not ok in a marriage. A baby plaster won’t work.

Men dont really come with a "why" button. They just "do" things.

This is true: I've learned this the hard way. OP you are tying yourself up in knots wondering about his motivations and how he is able to get you pregnant while being sexually obsessed with someone else.

The hard reality I'm afraid is that men do this because they can. They can a) because its much easier to do this for men because they aren't physically tied to a child in the way a woman is b) because without wanting to fall into gendered cliché they are generally more able to separate their sexual impulses from their domestic ones -- your being pregnant would not automatically impact on his lust for someone else and c) because, at the risk of being brutal, you have already shown him through your behaviour that he can.

You can't control what he feels about this woman and whether or not he acts on it. The only thing you can control is your response. You say you love him but your love is not returned, or at least not at the level you need it to be.

You need to take control of this situation.

@Pollypocket89

Because I love him. And I want our life together, that's why I'm still here. I adore him

I don't necessarily mean the baby, I mean why would he actively get me pregnant if you love someone else. I can't get my head around that at all

You need to ask him that, we can't help you understand

OP - this is clearly making you very anxious and nothing any of us say here is going to convince you, could you get to counselling?

Sadly to say op he fancies her 😢

If you’ve made up your mind there’s no need to ask for advice. It’s totally your decision and you seem decided.

@thepeopleversuswork that’s spot on.

At a basic level, all a pregnancy means is that at some point there was probably a sexual encounter.

You only have to read the relationship board on here to see how people (men and women) can frame this in any way they want to to sell a story to someone.

‘We never sleep together, I was miserable and drunk, a one off’

‘She was getting suspicious, we never have sex, I felt trapped, guilted into it’

‘I didn’t enjoy it at all’

‘I don’t love her, it was a pity shag’

And many people believe what they want to believe. They hear what they want to hear.

Sadly a pregnancy in a marriage or ltr doesn’t have to mean a happy and committed partner.

And really OP, why should you care what she may or may not think about this? Why are you torturing yourself to understand how she might be viewing your situation from the outside? Your priority should be what you think about things. How you want to feel. How you want to shape your future.

I get you don't understand your partner Polly but you may never understand the situation.
That doesn't matter.
Just look at your life and ask yourself "is this what I want?"
I don't think your partner will ever put you and your children as the centre of his world, you are just one part of his life.
He still wants to lust and fantasise about being with a different woman. He hopes and wishes he was with her.
I wouldn't be about to live like that in your position, but if you can, that's fine.
Just expect to be living forever with the fear that at any moment the other woman will click her fingers and he will be gone.

This is understandably painful, OP but you can't control what your OH looks at or thinks about. Unless you see evidence of something damning - don't go looking for it! try to put it out of your mind.

What kind of relationship did you see at home growing up?
What are your role models for marriage?

It's tome to focus on yourself, not him and not her.

We look at photos of people we know all the time on social media, wouldn't think anything of it if my DH were looking at a female workmate.

@Pollypocket89

I don't mean to sound like I'm arguing with pp as I'm really not, I'm just trying to come to some sort of understanding

What I'm saying is, if he wanted her and she even might be an option, why would you do that to her either? Surely that just suggests you're more commited to me and our family at least? A child that existed before he met her is different to one being made during, or have I just lost it completely?

Trouble is you're asking the wrong people to get any real understanding .We don't know your husband - you do. We are all answering through the prism of our own experiences - not yours. The only way you'll get any answers is to ask him- and I mean REALLY ask, don't be fobbed off. You do seem to have a rather naive approach, based on both this and previous threads so please be a bit tougher about getting the answers you need, then perhaps you can make the decisions you need to move out of the increasingly viscous circle.

Op. He's in love with this woman. He separates your life with the life he could have with her in his head. He isn't thinking about you being pregnant when he is thinking of her. The two things don't exist in his head together. I'm sore op ❤️

You ask why he would still have got you pregnant if he wants her - you are trying to apply logic to a situation where he is able to compartmentalise, so the logic doesn't work.

You will drive yourself mad. It's Christmas Day, you're pregnant with a wanted baby and he's been such a prick for so many months / over a year now that fixating on this woman is how YOU are spending your day.

You are his wife, you are pregnant with his child, you are a mother, in his eyes you are a wholesome person, reliable, dependable and familiar.

She is his guilty pleasure, she is sexy, she is forbidden, she is fantasy yet attainable, in his eyes she is exciting and covetable.

Sounds like a case of madonna / whore syndrome to an extent. To some men, women exist to fulfil narrow roles. Yours is wife and mother. Hers is sexy and naughty. And men who think like that are so entitled that they believe they 'deserve' to have both types fawn over them, failing to stop and wonder what the fuck is so special about them that women would even want their attention.

The bottom line is, it doesn't matter why this woman is still an issue because you know the main fact - his attraction to her / preoccupation with her / feelings for her (add or delete as appropriate) are more important to him than you feeling comfortable, secure and loved.

Can you really spend the rest of your life with a man who sees you as a safe bet while he window shops and chips away at your confidence?

Thing is, you know deep down that he's in love with her. And not you.

You can get pregnant; beg and plead for him to stay. And he probably will. But out of guilt and not love.

You say you adore him.

But it's very very clear that he adores her - not you.

Only you can decide if you can live half a live playing second best. But can you say what exactly you're fighting to keep?