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Original poster

Photos - Please be gentle with me

109 replies

Pollypocket89 · 25/12/2020 17:06

Hi

Please be gentle with me.

Is there any innocent reason your dh would be looking at photos of another woman he knows (work together) on social media?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 25/12/2020 20:10

If that's true, why are we having another baby? Wouldn't he have left us? That's what I'm struggling with, I don't understand

OP posts:
2typesofjungle · 25/12/2020 20:11

Given the history, you know what you need to do OP, sorry.

PhoebeSnow · 25/12/2020 20:15

Didn’t you both decide to have another child?
He is infatuated with her, has a huge crush on her, and she probably doesn’t know.
You both need to sort this out once and for all for the sake of your children and your mental health. He really needs to get a new job away from her, unfriend her and he needs to grow up.

PatriciaHolm · 25/12/2020 20:19

@Pollypocket89

If that's true, why are we having another baby? Wouldn't he have left us? That's what I'm struggling with, I don't understand
Because it's easy. Leaving is a horrible shitstorm, largely, and it seems as if this isn't a full blown "leave your wife for me" affair, it's a flirtation on her part and an obsession on his. That he knows isn't real as in something he can turn into a relationship right now, so its much easier to stick around. By and large, men don't leave if there isn't a comfy bed to land in.

Especially as he's getting away with it fine. And presumably you are doing the lions share of running the home, the child, etc..

GingerBreadNurse · 25/12/2020 20:20

Would she have him? She might enjoy the ego boost and the flirting, but there's a difference between that and her actually wanting him for herself.

You've already got a child and a home setup, men only leave that for a done deal.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 25/12/2020 20:22

I don't know if she would... I don't know if he knows if she would... Why would you get your wife pregnant if you loved another woman? :(

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 25/12/2020 20:26

@Pollypocket89

If that's true, why are we having another baby? Wouldn't he have left us? That's what I'm struggling with, I don't understand
Because its the path of least resistance. It's always much harder to leave than stay. Blokes in particular are more pragmatic and more selfish and tend not to rock the boat: they've got a nice domestic set-up with a woman and kid/s to come home to, why would they jeopardise that?

It doesn't really matter whether he loves her or is just sexually fixated on her: the end result is the same -- he is obsessed with someone who isn't you and this is taking away your trust and presumably his attention. By tolerating this (and sorry I haven't read your other threads) you are basically signalling to him that you are OK with this so he thinks he can have his cake and eat it.

The only way to deal with this is to take the power out of his hands and leave. Or accept that you are in a relationship with someone who is obsessed with someone else.

GingerBreadNurse · 25/12/2020 20:26

You know what op, you need to stop with the sad faces and take a bit of responsibility for your own part in this.

Why would you get pregnant when you know the relationship isn't good? And don't try and fool yourself with nonsense about 'oh it is good!' When you've been regurgitating this same other woman problem for more than a year.

You enjoy this tortured back and forth drama. But you tolerate it. You won't make any change.

PhoebeSnow · 25/12/2020 20:27

Sorry but you sound very naive. As pp have pointed out it’s easier for him to go along with things than make a break.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 25/12/2020 20:27

I did say please be gentle so no, I won't stop with the sad faces. I'm devastated and confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 25/12/2020 20:28

I can sort of get my head around easier to stay than leave but why would we have another baby... If he does want her, surely that puts the final nail in the coffin

OP posts:
GingerBreadNurse · 25/12/2020 20:32

Th baby pacifiies you.

He enjoys having children.

You take your eye off the ball and he plays the 'My wife doesn't understand me...' line to the other woman.

PatriciaHolm · 25/12/2020 20:33

@Pollypocket89

I can sort of get my head around easier to stay than leave but why would we have another baby... If he does want her, surely that puts the final nail in the coffin
Sadly, men leave pregnant women all the time, or women with tiny babies; you see it on here all the time. A baby isn't any more of a tie to you, especially as you already have a child. It makes no difference. Perversely, some men seem to see it as a favour - "she wanted another, so it was a good thing to do to give her another before I left...". It keeps you happy, and quiet, and busy.
thepeopleversuswork · 25/12/2020 20:33

Sad faces are fine and its understandable that you're upset -- no one can blame you for this.

But in the gentlest possible way, some of the things you've said suggest you are being wilfully naïve about this. You keep saying: "why would he get his wife pregnant if he's in love with someone else?"

a) Men have done this forever -- have you really never heard about this happening? It's on these boards all the time.
b) People who are cheating - and particularly men -- are often able to compartmentalise things so they convince themselves that their flirtation/affair isn't "real" and doesn't impinge upon their marriage or long-term partnership.
c) Bluntly, because you have allowed him to. You have clearly had a recurring problem with this woman, you have indicated to him that it crosses a line for you and you not only haven't done anything about it but you're having a second baby. It's one thing to want to work at a marriage when you know there are problems but bringing a second child into the mix when you have serious doubts suggests you are not being honest with yourself.

I mean this as kindly as possible, but you do need to grip this and take control of it. He doesn't respect you and he isn't simply going to knock this on the head just because you don't like it.

PhoebeSnow · 25/12/2020 20:34

She might not want him.
You really need to speak to him and give him an ultimatum, you are not doing yourself or your children any favours by letting him carry on like this. He needs to stop his behaviour and grow up instead of mooning over someone

EKGEMS · 25/12/2020 20:39

You really need to find your anger,dignity and self respect and move on as fast as possible

Mydogmylife · 25/12/2020 20:39

Oh pollypocket, I've read and commented on your previous threads. Things really aren't any better for you are they? He's still gawping over this other woman, and you're still doing all the heavy lifting in your marriage . Times coming I think when you are going to have make some tough decisions, you can't go on like this indefinitely

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 25/12/2020 20:40

If she did want him, surely him getting me pregnant again would be the final nail in the coffin?

From everything I know about the woman, she actually seems like a nice person. I know that might sound ridiculous to say but I can separate that she's done nothing to me other than exist. If I had feelings for someone and they had another baby it would crush me not make me want a man with a newborn

OP posts:
Kitten11x · 25/12/2020 20:42

Sorry op . This is really hard for you , you must feel dreadful. He does have a fixation on her that is powerful it seems. Long term I don’t know if this can go on, you may have to leave to end it .

BlueCheckedTeatowel · 25/12/2020 20:45

If that's true, why are we having another baby? Wouldn't he have left us?

You are safe. Being happily married and having DC is what hes "supposed" to do. There is no guarantee this woman would have him. She may be happily married or just not like him in that way.

Having to tell everyone you know that you left your wife and children must be terrifying. Having to admit you fucked up. Sorting a divorce and not only potentially losing half your money but also not seeing half of your childrens lives, is terrifying. Starting fresh and renting/buying somewhere and furnishing it and decorating it is not fun. Then theres the added unknowns of people disowning you, DW hating you and, depending on how its all dealt with, fucking your childrens lives up. Also I imagine he doesnt want to hurt you.

Doesnt sound like fun to me, especially if the OW isnt a certainty.

Plus im not saying he doesnt love you too. Im sure he does. Its possible to love more than one person. Its just that you dont know who he would choose or if it would anywhere further with her.

Thewiseoneincognito · 25/12/2020 20:55

She’s prob carrying his other child🙄

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 25/12/2020 20:56

Oh OP, so many people have told you in previous threads that this isn't going to get better. And it's not getting better. Why are you doing this to yourself?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 25/12/2020 20:56

Thewiseoneincognito, why would you say something so cruel to a stranger?

OP posts:
MondayYogurt · 25/12/2020 20:58

You being pregnant has no bearing on how he feels about her.
You having another baby will have no bearing on how he feels about her.
Her not wanting him (if that is that case) may have no bearing on how he feels about her.

He is choosing to behave this way because it is a higher priority to him than you, your children, and your relationship.

Asking why he does this will not solve anything.

Asking why you are putting up with it - now that is a good start.

nimbuscloud · 25/12/2020 21:03

Do you know if they have had a sexual relationship?