Husband still talking to his ex mistress!

[LondonLass2]

Recently I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger woman and was in love with her. We separated and he moved out. He then told me he missed me, didn’t realise what he had in front of him, that he ruined his life, he still loved me, I told him to either leave me alone and not tell me these things or come home and we would try and fix our relationship. He ended it with the other woman and moved back in with me and our children. Since being back he’s distant and still texts her constantly despite knowing how unhappy I am, I’ve asked him to cut contact so many times but his reply is always the same, they’re friends and he will be keeping in touch. They text constantly. I’ve now told him, if he isn’t going to stop texting her then we are over. He didn’t really respond, so I literally have no idea what’s happening or what he’s thinking. Am I being unreasonable? The way I see it, is him choosing to try make our relationship work, it should go without saying that he cuts all contact with his ex mistress? Out of respect to me. He wants what he hasn’t got, had me but had an affair, had her after he left but then wanted me, now still texting her. I tried giving an ultimatum but he didn’t respond, do I say it again, or leave it a little bit?
Just needed a rant really, thanks for reading :)

He’s not chose you, he’s decided to have his cake and eat it too. Get rid and move on. You deserve better

Not a rant. He’s clearly not trying again. He has no respect for you. You need to leave him. He wants his cake and eat it. Evening if he isn’t having sex with her it’s an emotional affair.

Tell him to leave, get a divorce, have some counselling, improve your life.

I'm sorry you are going through this stress - and your DC. From what you have said I would say he thinks he can have it all ...and has achieved that, as things stand. He should not be 'telling' you that he is still friends with her. He should be desperately trying to prove to you that he has cut all ties. With you having accepted him back him being in contact with her would not be part of the deal. He doesn't sound like he is making a great effort to repair the damage he did and show you how committed he is. That's because... I think... he isn't. He is carrying on more or less like nothing has changed. I would say start making your own plans and getting as much paperwork and evidence that you can before you split from him.

The prick wants you to do the pick me dance. Kick him out. Dont even give him the satisfaction of a reason, just say it's not working for you and you will only contact him to discuss arrangements for the children.

I know this must be really painful for you, I'm sorry

He needs to move out op... Tell him she is welcome to have him. Manky pants and all.

Tell him to leave.
You gave him ultimatum and he ignored it.

Divorce him.

He is still seeing her. I wouldn't be surprised if he is filtering off cash and assets and hiding them for when he does leave.

Get yourself sorted first (details of all finances etc) and kick him out

Bet she doesn't know you're back together. Greedy bastard. Say goodbye!

No don't leave it. He is not trying to work on your relationship. Even if he says he will stop texting - I suspect he won't. As pp have said he probably wants his cake and eat it too - you keep a comfortable house for him and he gets his kicks with an EA. They are NOT just friends, how many people truly stay friends when a relationship ends? They are still in a relationship, on some level.
Tell him that he is not respecting you, so he must go.
I am sorry that this is so sht for you and the end of a completely sht year.

The cynic in me would say it's not so much that he realised how much he loved you, as much as he realised how much divorce would cost him.

Either way he's got one foot out of the door. Only you can decide whether to push him all the way out. Have you seen a solicitor?

Yanbu. Divorce him.

I suspect he will try to place the blame on you by saying he wanted to make it work but you ended things. Don’t stand for that.

He never finished it with her...I suspect that when he left you to go to her that as soon as the novelty wore off he began to miss his home and his children.... he may have even thought he missed you too, but given his behaviour now I don’t think that’s the case. I also suspect that once the reality of divorce and losing half or more of his wealth and assets hit him in the face he has back tracked. Given that this woman is so much younger she may not be financially stable or earn much (in comparison to you/him) so he would be giving up of at least half of all he owns in the divorce, than he’d be making child support payments out of his wages and ultimately he would be left with an awful lot less than he is used to. Yes he may love her, but perhaps not enough to put himself through this hefty financial sacrifice. The thing is though, he doesn’t love you enough to give her up either, so here he is having the best of both worlds....and I wouldn’t be putting up with that at all if I were you. I’d be sending him packing OP.

So sorry you are going through this

Say it and mean it. An empty ultimatum means nothing.

He's really done a number on you if you are questioning whether a man remaining in contact with his ex mistress is okay.

Jeez, this man is treating you like shit after cheating on you. Please find your self respect.

Once away from him, I'm sure your self esteem will recover. Slowly but surely.

Tell him to get out the house right now!! You are worth more than this. What a prick

“I’ve done the math and realised divorce is much, much more expensive than I ever imagined & I’ll lose not just the house but half my pension too so I’d like to come home” is what he actually meant when he wanted to come “home” isn’t it?.

He’s probably told her you’re too mentally unstable to leave or you’ll kill yourself or some such rubbish so she’s hanging on too.

You’ve gained nothing by having him back.

Yanbu. You can impose whatever conditions on the relationships you like and he has the choice to either accept those conditions or leave. Telling him you expect him not to contact the OW is hardly unreasonable. You need to put your foot down and tell him to go. He had zero respect for you, you are just a convenience and most likely saving him a few quid by not divorcing him. The Ow might not want the role of wife, she might be quite happy with the thrill and excitement of the affair. Don’t take second place, make him go.

And he has no respect for you saying you’ll leave because as far as he’s concerned he holds all the cards.

He hasn't finished with her. He still wants to be with her and have you as back up.

This is not acceptable behaviour and he has no respect for you. You really need to leave him and work on your own feelings about yourself and what makes you believe that this relationship is good enough. You have been manipulated into thinking that this is okay but it really isn't. He should be doing everything possible to make your relationship work but he's doing the exact opposite. Please think about yourself first and foremost. You deserve so much better than this cock. Sending hugs to you ((()))

He didn't end it.
You should.

Divorce the lying sack of shit! He’s treating you like crap. You’re worth so much more than this.

Oh I'm so sorry, this must be beyond shit for you. I'd tell him you're over. I wouldn't even give him an ultimatum as he'll either say that he'll stop talking to her but just continue in secret or he'll choose his "friendship" with her and gaslight you. You deserve so much better!

No way should you tolerate this. Seek a divorce on the grounds of adultery.