Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Husband still talking to his ex mistress!

100 replies

LondonLass2 · 23/12/2020 13:12

Recently I found out my husband was having an affair with a much younger woman and was in love with her. We separated and he moved out. He then told me he missed me, didn’t realise what he had in front of him, that he ruined his life, he still loved me, I told him to either leave me alone and not tell me these things or come home and we would try and fix our relationship. He ended it with the other woman and moved back in with me and our children. Since being back he’s distant and still texts her constantly despite knowing how unhappy I am, I’ve asked him to cut contact so many times but his reply is always the same, they’re friends and he will be keeping in touch. They text constantly. I’ve now told him, if he isn’t going to stop texting her then we are over. He didn’t really respond, so I literally have no idea what’s happening or what he’s thinking. Am I being unreasonable? The way I see it, is him choosing to try make our relationship work, it should go without saying that he cuts all contact with his ex mistress? Out of respect to me. He wants what he hasn’t got, had me but had an affair, had her after he left but then wanted me, now still texting her. I tried giving an ultimatum but he didn’t respond, do I say it again, or leave it a little bit?
Just needed a rant really, thanks for reading :)

OP posts:
81Byerley · 23/12/2020 13:56

Why are you allowing this asshole to make the decisions? Pack his stuff, put it outside, lock the doors, and prepare for a better Christmas than you will have if you let him stay.

dottiedodah · 23/12/2020 13:58

Lilly go lightly Agree completely . OP you need to realise that he is being a totally selfish twat .There is no such thing as being "friends" with your ex mistress while still married FFS!

Josette77 · 23/12/2020 13:59

He has chosen her. Divorce him.

lockeddownandcrazy · 23/12/2020 14:05

Should be ex-husband - get rid!

Deathgrip · 23/12/2020 14:07

OP, you must know you deserve better than this. The lack of respect for you is horrifying. She’s his friend? You’re his wife, and the mother of his children. If his friendship is more important than saving his marriage then you have your answer. Throw him out today, don’t waste another second on him. You need to find your self respect!

Bogardicia · 23/12/2020 14:07

Take back the power and get rid. What an absolute ego centric, selfish arse to put it politely. You deserve WAY better than to be trampled on and your feelings completely disregarded. You will never be able to trust him and that’s no way to live your life.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 23/12/2020 14:10

I'm all for putting effort into relationships but he has absolutely no respect or love for you. He wants a nice cosy life with his wife looking after him and his kids on hand while he's free to run around acting like a single 20 year old bloke. Get him out of the house and start planning for divorce.

xmas20 · 23/12/2020 14:10

Op, come on, you're better than this.

Get with it.

He's treated and is continuing to treat you like absolute shite. Get him out of your home now. You must like yourself enough to see that you deserve better than this?

CremeEggThief · 23/12/2020 14:12

Get rid of him. DO NOT wait around for him to mess up again. Be strong and get the satisfaction of ending it on your terms. After all, he has already been given a second chance and he's taking the piss out of you and disrespecting you.

Hellothere19999 · 23/12/2020 14:13

I would be recording him and getting whatever evidence I can, ready for a divorce. He sounds like a right twat.

CremeEggThief · 23/12/2020 14:15

Also, if you have any way of contacting her, tell her too, if you think it's possible she believes he separated from you.

Mumtoalittlegirl · 23/12/2020 14:19

He’s a pig. Kick him out.

To be honest, I’d be surprised if she wasn’t the one who tried to end it- so he came back to you and now things are starting up again.

So sorry you’ve been going through this. It will be better for your children in the long one if you end it once and for all.Flowers

Dery · 23/12/2020 14:22

As PP have said: get him gone. He's still having an affair - it's just not physical at the moment - and your marriage is over. He clearly doesn't give much of a sh1t about your feelings and cares a great deal more about her and hers.

Your marriage only stood a chance of recovering if he was prepared to concentrate solely on repairing his relationship with you. Cutting all contact with his former mistress would be the minimum requirement for that. Putting it crudely, he's been putting his cock inside her - he doesn't get to maintain a friendship (emotional affair, in fact) afterwards while still being married to you and then tell you to suck it up. Good grief. Get him gone. He had his chance to come back and he blew it. What kind of a number has he done on you that you can even wonder whether you are being unreasonable?

And given his behaviour, I agree with PPs - this wasn't ever about his love for you; this was about missing his home comforts and realising divorce is expensive and uncomfortable and perhaps the whole thing with the OW was less exciting when the affair was no longer illicit.

I'm sure that for you being married to a man who screws other women and then blatantly maintains contact with them is even more uncomfortable than being divorced. It shows an unbelievable amount of disrespect for you. You shouldn't have needed to tell him that he couldn't contact her and he certainly shouldn't have told you that he was going to maintain contact whether you liked it or not. As PP said: don't give him any more ultimatums. Go grey rock and get your divorce ducks in a row.

NovemberR · 23/12/2020 14:26

Utterly unacceptable.

I would not give any kind of ultimatum now - I'd be done.

Get the paperwork together and file for divorce. He's lost any say in the matter after this.

partyatthepalace · 23/12/2020 14:29

Good grief. You need to get shot to maintain your self esteem and sanity. I wouldn't say anything right now, get legal advice and your ducks in a row, and then present it to him as a done deal in January. Then make some plans and have fun building a new life.

GlowingOrb · 23/12/2020 14:31

The day I realized I had feelings for my best friend was the day I realized I had to either leave my husband or never speak to my friend again. It really is that clear cut.

Caramel81 · 23/12/2020 14:31

I could never tolerate this. I’d be absolutely bloody fuming! I’d much rather be single than deal with that sort of disrespectful shit

oakleaffy · 23/12/2020 14:36

@LondonLass2
How horrible for you and your D C

Kick him into touch.

He will lose his home til youngest DCis 18,

He clearly is still lusting after the OW
“ Friends”!
Pull the other one!

Good luck.

lilylongjohn · 23/12/2020 14:36

You are worth much more than this op. Kick him out and divorce him. These aren't the actions of someone. Who cared about you, let alone love you. Time to start getting yourself to a happier place

VettiyaIruken · 23/12/2020 14:40

It's very possible what he wants is not to make a genuine go of things with you but rather to not have to divorce and split assets.

Whatever the case, he has zero respect for you.

He's going to keep the relationship with her and he doesn't give a shit how you feel about it.

hashbrownsandwich · 23/12/2020 14:40

He's making a complete and utter mug out of you!

Chewingu · 23/12/2020 14:45

OP I was in this situation myself and like you I was consumed with what he wanted, how he felt, why he did the things he did and I didn’t put myself first at all. I found out that yet again he was still in contact with her and it was like something just snapped. I asked him to leave and i am so much happier now!! He’s not being my husband for a very long time and I was missing and wanting the person he used to be but sadly isn’t now. I can only see this now I’ve ended it and it feels like a weight has lifted off my shoulders.

If a man wants to be with a woman he will do EVERYTHING to be with her. Says it’s all really. Don’t be like me and wasted endless amounts of time waiting for him to turn back into that person you once knew. He doesn’t exist and your just causing yourself heartbreak

Dixiechickonhols · 23/12/2020 14:45

It smacks of him having taken advice and realising how much divorce will cost. Plus realising mistress doesn’t do home comforts like cooking and pant washing and convenience of seeing children with no effort. Living in a flat, having to actually care for children during contact is a lot less appealing if he can have both of you. Get evidence of financials don’t give him chance to hide assets. You deserve better. You wouldn’t want that for your children. The attempted reconciliation isn’t working and you want him to leave again. His behaviour is unreasonable.

Dixiechickonhols · 23/12/2020 14:48

I’d also strongly suspect he never ended it with her. She’s his mistress not his ex mistress.

2bazookas · 23/12/2020 14:49

She's not an EX mistress, is she. She is a current mistress who just doesn't want to do his laundry and cleaning. Maybe she's a lousy cook.

Dump him; he's had his chance and thrown it away.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread