Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband runs off to the office leaving me working with our 18m old

84 replies

LolaLolita · 22/12/2020 17:31

We have an 18m old. My husband works at an ad agency and keeps running off on calls and into the office leaving me isolating at home with the kid and the noise and my job. He says it’s an important new client but he’s also constantly texting the young female client lead. What do you think? What should I do?

OP posts:
FestiveChristmasLights · 22/12/2020 17:32

Does your son stop you wfh?

Username7521 · 22/12/2020 17:34

Really depends.
What was the pitch process like and are they currently transitioning the account with tupe involved?
If you give me more details and I can help more.

Username7521 · 22/12/2020 17:35

Also what’s his level? BD/ Managing partner (I assume he’s a suite)

Original poster
LolaLolita · 22/12/2020 17:48

He’s the business development lead

OP posts:
Original poster
LolaLolita · 22/12/2020 17:49

BD lead means I’m stuck with this forever right? What is Tupe? It’s kind of a pitch but it’s a big global brand so he wants to keep her happy. But I also have a job and to pick up the slack

OP posts:
rottiemum88 · 22/12/2020 17:51

Just because their client lead is young and female doesn't mean the client isn't important. So it really depends if you're able to work effectively with your DC there? If not then he's being selfish and needs to share the load. If you can then I see why he wants to go into the office if he can work more effectively there.

Original poster
LolaLolita · 22/12/2020 17:53

I’m sick of his career being more important than mine. I’m tired. The kid is always crying

OP posts:
Original poster
LolaLolita · 22/12/2020 17:55

Why does the guy’s life not change post kids but mine is railroaded?? Anyone seen that new Sofia Coppola movie? It’s about exactly this subject!!

OP posts:
rottiemum88 · 22/12/2020 18:16

@LolaLolita

Why does the guy’s life not change post kids but mine is railroaded?? Anyone seen that new Sofia Coppola movie? It’s about exactly this subject!!
Short answer is, because you're allowing it to?
LannieDuck · 22/12/2020 18:23

When you say 'into the office', do you mean a home office or is he actually leaving the house?

If it's a home office, I think you should switch with him and take it over. If he works out of the house, could you rent some office space so you can be physically out of the house on some days?

The only other alternative is to split up each day of childcare between you and agree who's doing which parts in advance. Equal - 50:50. He'll need to arrange his meetings around his half, or make other arrangements (just as you have to). I suggest he does his first shift, because if he flakes, you get to flake on your half too.

I imagine he's getting away with it because 'just doing it' is the path of least resistance for you. You need to start insisting that your work is prioritised to the same extent his is.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 22/12/2020 18:25

rottiemum88

LolaLolita
Why does the guy’s life not change post kids but mine is railroaded?? Anyone seen that new Sofia Coppola movie? It’s about exactly this subject!!

Short answer is, because you're allowing it to?

Nice bit of victim blaming there.

Jenifirtree · 22/12/2020 18:28

The other option is to put the toddler into nursery and one of you take pick ups and one drop offs.

ISeeTheLight · 22/12/2020 18:32

Why is your child not in childcare? We both work full time so DD went to full time nursery from 6 months. Coincidentally I'm also in advertising (media agency), senior level, and it's known for not being flexible.

museumum · 22/12/2020 18:34

You need a rota for the office. My dh and I have half a day each shut away in the home office while the other deals with all childcare needs. It’s the only way to stay sane.

Fortniterocket · 22/12/2020 18:35

Put your DC into childcare. This is what most households do when both parents work.

No one should be looking after a child while WFH.

Love51 · 22/12/2020 18:36

Have nurseries been closed in t4 then?
First lockdown most people did 2 hours on 2 hours off with very long working days. One of you has the child and the other hers some work done, swap every 2 hours.

museumum · 22/12/2020 18:37

I’m assuming the OP is in tier 4 / Scotland. Not sure about in england but here in Scotland childcare etc is all shut again.

Username7521 · 22/12/2020 18:40

OP quite a bit going on in your posts. If I haven’t answered something specific then shout.

It’s sexist. Like you cannot imagine. The lack of diversity at the top is staggering, and many senior people do believe it’s the wife’s job to manage the diary and take care of the kids while the man drinks whiskey and come up with creative ideas until 2am.
It is changing but my god it’s slow. BLM has actually been a very positive effective on diversity of all kind and it’s welcome to every non white not privately educated man ( as the stats are 1 in 3 SMT are!)
As a women with a C in my title it’s a uphill battle. Every. Single. Day.
And the story’s I can tell.

Business dev lead sounds more like new biz than account management. If so, yes if will pass. If he’s won the pitch and is still the main point of contact then yes he will be in contact with her loads. Transitioning accounts is a mammoth tasks and getting new MSA and SOW through legal and procurement is absolutely soul sucking. Tupe is a law that means if you have people mostly on the account they move with it. But if it is new biz then they will put account people on it.

Yes- we still have people going into the office. Certain things cannot be done from home. And with lockdown looming again we are insanely busy in our retail account (today we redid 36 radio ads for one client!)

Can I ask, where is your childcare? Are you all self isolating. And why is he crying all the time? Is that like him?

Having dual careers in advertising is hard. Both my partners and I have c’s in our title and it’s impossible to do without loads of help. It’s important for you to sit down and chat boundaries.

SeasonFinale · 22/12/2020 18:45

The OP is not a victim!

Even in tier 4 you can have child care bubbles.

Sort out child care if you aren't able to work effectively.

There is no need to focus on "young female" the only important words are "client lead".

soopedup · 22/12/2020 19:19

You need childcare and split the cost

NovemberR · 22/12/2020 19:59

@LolaLolita

I’m sick of his career being more important than mine. I’m tired. The kid is always crying
You sound lovely.

I don't know anyone who constantly refers to their baby/toddler as 'the kid'...

rottiemum88 · 22/12/2020 20:04

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow

rottiemum88

LolaLolita
Why does the guy’s life not change post kids but mine is railroaded?? Anyone seen that new Sofia Coppola movie? It’s about exactly this subject!!

Short answer is, because you're allowing it to?

Nice bit of victim blaming there.

I'm sorry but OP is an adult. If both her and her DH work, why is it he's able to swan off to the office leaving OP to look after the child? At what point is it reasonable to expect OP to stand up for herself and say it won't be continuing, rather than moaning about it to strangers on the internet?
RedMarauder · 22/12/2020 21:20

Where are you in the UK were you can't have childcare?

I'm tier 4 England and have a childminder as she starts worker earlier than nurseries.

Guineapigbridge · 22/12/2020 21:36

This is what childcare is for.

Original poster
LolaLolita · 23/12/2020 00:39

Childcare is not so easy these days and expensive. Is everyone that suggests it on a mega salary?

OP posts: