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Original poster

Husband runs off to the office leaving me working with our 18m old

84 replies

LolaLolita · 22/12/2020 17:31

We have an 18m old. My husband works at an ad agency and keeps running off on calls and into the office leaving me isolating at home with the kid and the noise and my job. He says it’s an important new client but he’s also constantly texting the young female client lead. What do you think? What should I do?

OP posts:
BaronessVonCake · 23/12/2020 01:04

If you are both working - and childcare is 'open' in your tier- then your child needs to be in childcare paid for out of the family pot of money.

Working from home with small children should be in emergencies - like covid/ lockdown - only.

DianaT1969 · 23/12/2020 01:10

What do you mean "childcare is expensive". Two parents working. Two salaries. The child can't bring itself up. It might cope alone in its cot for a few minutes, but not 40 hours a week. 🤔

MrDarcysMa · 23/12/2020 01:37

Can one of you ask to be furloughed if you can't afford childcare?
An 18 m/o needs attention and stimulation.

interest12 · 23/12/2020 01:41

Shut up @NovemberR. Not helpful & “the kid” is not unusual, you just sound pretentious

Charlie63849 · 23/12/2020 02:01

Stop allowing him to take the piss. Until you do that he will carry on fucking off upstairs.

Love51 · 23/12/2020 07:15

I can't speak for everyone but my children's nursery days were before March of this year, when there is no way anyone at my organisation would have been allowed to WFH while providing childcare to a small child. It isn't a sustainable way to live. So no, not on a mega salary. But childcare is a top priority payment as it allows you to work. DH and I both did the tax vouchers whereby you sacrifice it from your salary before you pay tax, which helps a bit. I had two under two, and once the second mat leave finished they were in childcare on my working days. I get that it is expensive. What I don't get is how you think it is optional! I was better off on mat leave, but it didn't take forever til the eldest turned 3. Then the youngest turned 3 (15 funded hours). Then I got promoted, the eldest started school... And now childcare isn't our biggest bill!

Pineapple5678 · 23/12/2020 07:22

@LolaLolita

Childcare is not so easy these days and expensive. Is everyone that suggests it on a mega salary?
What was your plan pre covid?
LajesticVantrashell · 23/12/2020 07:23

@LolaLolita

Childcare is not so easy these days and expensive. Is everyone that suggests it on a mega salary?
No, of course they're not! But the vast majority of people realise you can't have two working parents without childcare plans in place.

Is this situation temporary due to isolating? Or has this been happening for a while?

You need to split days. You work 7-12pm, he works 12-5pm and you both catch up when child is in bed. That's what we've had to do.

BibbityBobbityBellend · 23/12/2020 07:25

This is a hard one and one that ultimately will continue until 'the kid' is no longer a kid.

You haven't mentioned what your career is, as far as I can see?

It sounds like he works in a demanding and non flexible role. If he has to go into the office, he can't take a small child. Yes childcare should be split as equally as possible but it should affect one parent more than the other.

We used childcare. We had to. Back then it was just under £900. I only took home £1300 but we made it work because we had to. Most people who have Two careers use childcare because they have to. It's a temporary solution.

My DP had a better job than me and it was obviously going places. I did the lion share then so as not to affect things. Years later he was content and I got a new job going places. He then did the lions share.

You need to talk about it with your husband. Rationally.

Meredithgrey1 · 23/12/2020 07:30

@MrDarcysMa

Can one of you ask to be furloughed if you can't afford childcare? An 18 m/o needs attention and stimulation.
You can’t be furloughed because you can’t afford childcare surely? Furlough for childcare reasons is for when there is no childcare available because government has shut the nurseries. OP you (and by that I mean you and your DH) need to do something. A child that age at home while parents wfh is not going to work and I’m surprised either of your employers are allowing it now nurseries are open.
Namechangeme87 · 23/12/2020 07:34

@NovemberR she said it once ?

Yes op you need childcare , presumably at some point you will return to and office aswell so this needs to be in place , yes it’s expensive but ( not that I work from home ) I’d imagine it’s impossible to get much done work wise with a toddler around so you both need to sit down and see what’s what with regards to childcare and the finances for it

Yes it’s sexist as hell , I’d say ALOT of men will quite happily let women do they majority of the childcare etc and It just seems to fall into that women by default end up with more of the responsibility , again you need to sit down and talk about this and make a plan . He doesn’t get to just carry on as tho it’s pre dc while you run yourself ragged

burritofan · 23/12/2020 07:36

Childcare is not so easy these days and expensive. Is everyone that suggests it on a mega salary?
You lost me here. I assumed your nursery had closed due to covid as mine has – we’re in Tier 4 and all the rooms have a covid case so they’ve shut but we’re still working. No childcare bubble because no family nearby. We’re splitting days WFH equally.

But in normal times of course we have childcare! Yes it’s expensive. No we don’t have mega salaries. We just sacrifice elsewhere – no gym memberships, cut our own hair, don’t buy clothes, DD clothes always secondhand or sale, I drive an old banger, etc. You can’t just not have childcare!

Lozzerbmc · 23/12/2020 07:55

You cant expect to both work full-time and not have childcare? You must have had childcare before ? Did you want children - the reference to ‘the kid’ doesnt sound like it?

Respectabitch · 23/12/2020 08:03

Childcare is not so easy these days and expensive. Is everyone that suggests it on a mega salary?

Er, what?

If you're both going to work, you need childcare. If you can't afford childcare, you don't bring in enough to work.

Biz Dev in ads and media is in general a field known for long hours and craziness, yes. It's high stakes and high needs.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 23/12/2020 08:05

You need childcare for 'the kid' Hmm

Newbie1999 · 23/12/2020 09:06

If you can’t afford childcare, unfortunately you shouldn’t be working full time. If COVID wasn’t around (and the WFH it enables) you’d have had to either find childcare or not work?

SaltyAF · 23/12/2020 09:11

Presumably OP was on maternity leave when Covid hit and has never had to think about how childcare works in the real world.

You are both taking the piss out of your employers.

Username7521 · 23/12/2020 09:15

Oh my. You don’t have childcare.
You and your DP can’t hold down 2 full time jobs and look after a child. Especially not in advertising.
Childcare is expensive but it’s a must and thus should be prioritised as a bill.

Jenifirtree · 23/12/2020 09:26

@LolaLolita

Childcare is not so easy these days and expensive. Is everyone that suggests it on a mega salary?
It’s not about being on a mega salary. Childcare when you have two adults working full time is not optional. Im amazed your employer allows it.

You need a conversation with your husband about finding and funding childcare out of the household budget.

midnightstar66 · 23/12/2020 09:28

Presumably OP was on maternity leave when Covid hit and has never had to think about how childcare works in the real world.

But you'd have thought there would have been a plan in place pre covid anyway it didn't exist when the dc was born . What if you were both summoned back in to the office full time OP? What would you do then? Sounds like your position can be done fully from home but unfortunately your dp's can't so that's just the way it is. You need to employ some childcare like everyone else (including those full time on nmw). Yes it's expensive but you knew that before covid and you had your dc presumably. Your kid is always crying because his needs at 18 months old cannot be met fully by 2 full time employed parents.

converseandjeans · 23/12/2020 10:18

You need to use a childminder rather than nursery. It's cheaper. Maybe do half days. I don't think it's fair on you or your employer or mostly your toddler. You can't expect a toddler to entertain themselves while you work. If you were both in the office you would have no choice. It's just an expense you have to factor in. We were totally broke when ours were tiny - DH on basic teacher salary under 20k. I was PT bringing in about 7k. So no we weren't rich.

EsmeeMerlin · 23/12/2020 10:24

You cannot both hold full time jobs with a toddler at home. For one thing it is massively unfair on your toddler who can’t be left to their own devices while both parents work.

No wonder the kid is always crying.

Dery · 23/12/2020 10:57

“It’s not about being on a mega salary. Childcare when you have two adults working full time is not optional. Im amazed your employer allows it.

You need a conversation with your husband about finding and funding childcare out of the household budget.”

This. Yes, it’s expensive but it’s necessary if you’re both working anything like full time. In the early years after paying for childcare we were basically just breaking even but we regarded it as an investment in our family and we were fine with it. An 18 mth old child needs good quality attention more or less all the time - this cannot be combined with working. If you try to do this, you will be neglecting your child and at 18 mths that could have quite serious developmental consequences.

You sound really stressed and unhappy. You and your DH need to sit down and have a proper talk about childcare arrangements. You will all feel better for it.

parlourpalm · 23/12/2020 11:00

Why do you keep saying 'the kid'?

AcornAutumn · 23/12/2020 11:03

Hang on

You mention TUPE.

If there’s a TUPE going on, that’s a lot of work and I can totally see why confidentiality is king and he’d need to go to the office.