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Original poster

Husband runs off to the office leaving me working with our 18m old

84 replies

LolaLolita · 22/12/2020 17:31

We have an 18m old. My husband works at an ad agency and keeps running off on calls and into the office leaving me isolating at home with the kid and the noise and my job. He says it’s an important new client but he’s also constantly texting the young female client lead. What do you think? What should I do?

OP posts:

Sundance2741 · 23/12/2020 11:30

At one time we paid more for childcare than my DH earned, as he was trying to keep his business going. And I worked part time. (We did have savings though)

The thing is it's only really full on till the child goes to school. After that you pay less for before / after school, although school holidays could be tricky (I work in a school so never had to worry about that.)

The other option is part time working so there is less to pay for. But overall your income is lower.

Have you never discussed this as a couple? It's impossible to work with a toddler around and not that easy when they get older either. When schools were all closed, a teaching colleague of mine spent all day with her two primary aged children, then did her school work in the evenings.

Thewithesarehere · 23/12/2020 11:34

@LolaLolita

Why does the guy’s life not change post kids but mine is railroaded?? Anyone seen that new Sofia Coppola movie? It’s about exactly this subject!!

Do a rota and stick to it no matter what.

purplemunkey · 23/12/2020 11:40

Yeah, sorry but agree with other PPs. You need childcare. You can't both work and look after your child at the same time. Did you not consider this when having a child?

Yes it's expensive for the first few years but that's just standard if both parents continue to work. Once they are 3 you get the 30hrs funding, then they are at school and you only need wraparound care for a few hours a day. Its what working parents have to do.

MitziK · 23/12/2020 11:55

@LolaLolita

Childcare is not so easy these days and expensive. Is everyone that suggests it on a mega salary?

I can't imagine that a BD lead is on NMW, somehow.

I'm sure you'll be able to find something within your budget.

NotaCoolMum · 23/12/2020 12:12

@interest12

Shut up *@NovemberR*. Not helpful & “the kid” is not unusual, you just sound pretentious

*@NovemberR* is 100% correct! Op sounds like she’s referring to some random strangers child than her own baby. @LolaLolita surely you both knew that once baby arrived one of your careers would have to essentially be on hold?

endofthelinefinally · 23/12/2020 12:14

This is horrible to read. Your poor little child. At 18 months a child needs attention and supervision all the time. I didn't keep any of my salary until my youngest went to nursery, by the time they were at school I only had to pay for after school care. It is just the way it is for everyone.

endofthelinefinally · 23/12/2020 12:15

That said, your child has two parents. It should be a team effort.

BIWI · 23/12/2020 12:16

@LolaLolita

Childcare is not so easy these days and expensive. Is everyone that suggests it on a mega salary?

If he's business development lead in advertising (and if you're also working full time) then you should both earn enough to pay for childcare.

What do you think other people do?!

purplemunkey · 23/12/2020 12:18

Neither has to put their career on hold if they don’t want to. Full time place at nursery or childminder is fine if neither can/want to take a career break. Going part time or becoming a stay at home parent are also options. All valid, depending on the situation and preferences.

litterbird · 23/12/2020 12:25

Hi OP, to me you come across as slightly naive around what it takes to have a child with 2 working parents? I am sure you had a conversation before you gave birth about how this would work. Covid has caused some problems but thankfully you both still have jobs. No one has to stop their career, but the focus must be on your young child. You say the child is crying all the time, he probably needs attention and care full time. If you are both working then you both need to have a plan to have proper childcare in place ASAP. As others have said, you make sure you can financially provide for that care otherwise one of you may have to cut back hours, share hours of work or you can continue as you are. You have many choices here. As for the young executive your OH chats to....I would get any images out of your head about anything you are thinking. This young lady is in a job and working hard to get the work done with your OH, nothing more.

Username7521 · 23/12/2020 13:03

@AcornAutumn I mentioned tupe and I could do it from home I wouldn’t need to be in the office.... saying that it’s not my first rodeo.

I assume that due to the wording tupe would be involved but now I’m confused at what OP husband does as I know salary benchmarks (and what I pay people both in CS and NB) and they aren’t low.

More and more this isn’t adding up.

AcornAutumn · 23/12/2020 13:22

[quote Username7521]@AcornAutumn I mentioned tupe and I could do it from home I wouldn’t need to be in the office.... saying that it’s not my first rodeo.

I assume that due to the wording tupe would be involved but now I’m confused at what OP husband does as I know salary benchmarks (and what I pay people both in CS and NB) and they aren’t low.

More and more this isn’t adding up.[/quote]
Yes but not every office will allow that, paperwork systems etc

OP isn’t clear but it could be that her dh is being tupe’d.

BillyCongo · 23/12/2020 13:37

I'm married to a Creative Director in advertising. I'm a Director myself but different industry. His job is way more consuming than mine but he gets paid very well.
As other posters have said, you need childcare. Yes it's expensive but that is just what you have to do with 2 adults working full time and a toddler. Either that or you both take some annual leave or unpaid parental leave in the short term. It sucks but that's life. What other solution did you envisage?
To carry on as you are is unfair on your child, it's unfair on your employer, it's unfair on you as you are not able to perform well as either employee or parent.
The only other way is a strict schedule, i.e you work 6am to 1pm. He works 1pm to 7pm. Which is what we did while homeschooling.

Nomaigai · 23/12/2020 14:24

I think that working practices in a Covid world might have lead OP to believe that it's normal to work from home without childcare. Assuming that she was on maternity until after Covid started, it understandable (being kind) that she just looked at what others were doing at the time.

OP, you can't be working and look after an 18 month old at the same time. I'm not sure whether you're self employed but your husband simply cannot say to his employer that he's unavailable due to childcare. The exception to this is emergencies and the unprecedented situation of Covid where childcare was closed. Outside of this, you either (a) need childcare for any times when you are both working (and yes it will be expensive), (b) rearrange working hours so there is no overlap and you don't need childcare, or (c) if you are self employed, juggle your work around childcare (doing what you can, when you can) and your husband's working hours. There simply isn't a viable option that he says to his employer he isn't available during working hours (or has an audible18 month old in the background) because you (plural) don't want to pay for childcare. He's paid to available and working during work hours. If you're not self-employed, so are you!

All of this went to hell during Covid because childcare was closed. That was exceptional and not something an employer would accept just because an employee didn't want to use childcare.

midnightstar66 · 23/12/2020 14:30

At 18 months though her maternity must have nearly been up if it wasn't already before lockdown happened and childcare closed so surely there was a plan, as usually this sort of stuff needs booked/planned well in advance? And there would have been an expectation that childcare would need to be paid for?

Nomaigai · 23/12/2020 15:05

I was being kind 😀 I find it more likely the OP decided to chance her luck but ultimately we don't know. I know plenty of people who have agreed with their employer they'll 'work from home' and have thought they can get away without childcare.

MrsMarrio · 23/12/2020 15:11

Is 'the kid' yours? Never heard a parent call their child 'the kid'

It sounds like you need support. At home. Childcare. And emotionally.

DianaT1969 · 23/12/2020 15:16

Doesn't look as if the OP will be back. "The kid" is probably screeching.

nosswith · 23/12/2020 17:39

An ad agency. Which part of working from home if you can do they not understand? He should be wfh and then taking some share of childcare.

Nomaigai · 23/12/2020 18:04

Why? OP has admitted that the issue isn't that they can't get childcare, it's just it's expensive. Why should either of their employers be expected to permit that?

Original poster

LolaLolita · 23/12/2020 22:36

Wow so much judgment... and also some kindness and informative stuff. Thank you. Yeah was on mat leave. I’m a graphic designer we thought I could continue as I’m at home and it’s flexible. I need something also for me. And I use kid as im portuguese and we use the same term for child/son/kid. So apologis for not being native speaker but pls stop judging. Some of these comments felt like the film “mean girls”. I pity your kids having some of you as their mother

OP posts:

Respectabitch · 23/12/2020 22:51

I’m a graphic designer we thought I could continue as I’m at home and it’s flexible.

As I think you've just learned, you can't really, unless you're willing to work significantly reduced hours around the child, even if you're self-employed. Expecting your DH to help when he's in media biz dev was never going to work. You need to invest in a nursery or childminder.

Jenifirtree · 23/12/2020 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MadameButterface · 23/12/2020 23:02

I know a few graphic designers who have always wfh, all of them use childcare provision.

FlibbertyGiblets · 23/12/2020 23:07

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