Forever is a very long time

[ducksfizz]

I'm a regular on other boards but name changed for this one.

Brief stats: I'm 32, dh is 40, we have two primary aged kids, been together 9 years, both work full time.

DH is a good egg. Our relationship is mostly good. We've only been together 9 years and yet often I get these thoughts of, oh god, forever??

In my early thirties and I can't imagine not getting ready for a first date, the excitement of early days new relationships etc. Is that just me? I'd love to go on a first date again!

Yes I can "date my husband", but it's not the same is it? There's no firsts, we've done all the milestones of mortgage, engagement, marriage, kids which I know I'm lucky to have. But there's no excitement, it's all just fine. And it is fine, I'm content. But I'm scared of being in the same relationship for the rest of my days.

Am I the only one? I look at couples in there 80s/90s who have been together 60/70 years and think HOW?!! I know marriage vows are there for a reason but it does panic me to think I'll never spread my wings.

Just sounds like you’ve got a bit bored, nothing wrong with that, it happens to the best of us. Do something exciting with your husband, build some furniture together or take on a big project. Bring the excitement back into the relationship with new things. Have more sex and try new things in the bedroom. Order something rude.

If he’s a good egg and really is then don’t give him up as dating is rough. Read the step parents page on here for what happens after, it’s very often not pretty
Let us know what you try and if it works x

I’m quite happy not to do all that again. I was single for a lot of my twenties.dating isn’t that exciting when you are single for long periods to be honest. I met my partner nearly ten years ago at 31. I’m very happy with it all and my lovely partner who was worth the wait, and would love us to go forever.

Not sure I could be arsed with dating again if I had to. I’ve single friends and at our age it seems even more hard work trying to find anyone decent especially through a pandemic.

I've been married 34 years and the thought of ever having to 'date' again turns me cold. No thanks, been there, done that, and the people I know who are dating don't exactly enjoy it. OLD sounds brutal.

I get that dating has its negatives. My best friend is going through an amicable divorce and she's loving all the dates she's going on. I'm so happy for her but it's brought home how dull it all is here. Sorry to drip feed but dh has put on a lot of weight and I don't fancy him. I didn't put this in my op because he's a good person who makes me laugh and his looks aren't that important. He's 5'10 and 14st and yeah I'm turned off.

You can't live your life going through first date thrills because it's empty. A long term relationship depends on working together to make it better.
I've done loads of things when I've been bored, learnt to ride a motorbike and gone on a tour of Europe (in non covid times), gone to a solstice at stonehenge, joined a naturist club, all kinds of things so my life doesn't go stale.
You have to do that whether you are married or single and make memories together so that your relationship matures and you have lots of happy memories with your husband that you don't have with anyone else. How about offloading the kids and going off to some music festivals together.
Don't let it go stale or the marriage will eventually fail.

You’ve got the ick.
The resentment will set in soon.

@FippertyGibbett sorry?!!

What did you think marriage meant?

I went to a party for my in-laws 60th anniversary. It was all smiles and congratulations, but what that woman endured in her marriage was awful. Why she didn’t leave and spare herself and her kids the emotional and physical abuse I’ll never know.

I didn't think itd go flat less than a decade in @SoupDragon. In fact it's only Three years of marriage within a nine year relationship. We're both young, it's drying up and it's depressing.

The ick - you find him icky, he is a turn off.

If you're feeling like this, you're in the wrong marriage. @FippertyGibbett is right, this is the Ick and soon you'll find the resentment creeping in.

I know what you mean @ducksfizz. I met DH when I was 19, married at 22. Now 34 and I love him to bits but I do sometimes feel I missed out on the dating scene. I kind of wish we'd met 5 years later than we did. I wouldn't swap him bit sometimes I wonder about my single friends lives and whether I'd have enjoyed it.

Would your dh be amenable to a "healthy living" kick and losing weight in the new year, maybe? If you framed it as a mutual challenge or something?

It would make more sense to try to get back your connection if he's a good husband.

We are totally conditioned to believe in marriage - or even our "significant relationship" - as this forever thing. As I grow older and uglier I realise that this is just not true for many people. Many relationships - and that may include our main, child-rearing one - have a best before date. There is nothing wrong with deciding to move on, if you decide that's what's best. Who wants to be stuck in a dull relationship for the sole reason that society somehow requires it?

Having said that, only you can work out what you want, and maybe bringing a spark back is what you need (didn't work for me, though).

But you only get one shot at life - no rehearsals.

Maybe you got together a bit young
But honestly the grass is not always greener - what about it you went on some first rages and never found another good egg? Would you rather be on your own than with him?

*first dates

I think in my experience it’s normal to have these phases
I would probably give it some time and see if your feelings change

Sometimes I think like this but then I remember the flip side of being single - worrying about not finding "a good egg", sitting through bad dates, spending Friday nights alone while everyone else is in a couple. I think the grass is always greener. Life is boring for many of us at the moment. Maybe you'll feel better when you can get out and socialise more.

If you think about what you've not now - a good, reliable partner and a family - it's probably what you were looking for when you were single and dating. Sounds like your friend's divorce has got you thinking but I'm sure that being newly divorced isn't all about having fun dates. There will be lots of painful things too.

I’m a lot further on in my marriage than you.
There were times I could have left him (his MH) but you always wonder if it’s bad enough to leave, should I wait and see if it gets better or worse.
Now I’m stuck. We could afford for me not to work now at a stretch, but if we split up I would have to work to retirement.I’m starting to feel old and don’t want to have to work full time until I’m 67.
I want to do what I want to do, I sometimes feel trapped and dream of a little house of my own where I call the shots. Where I don’t need to compromise, ask his opinion or wait for him to agree.
We don’t have sex. I don’t ask why because I’ve got the ick and don’t want to with him.
You need to take some time to consider if it’s the life we’re living at the moment causing it, or if you’re not happy with him.

I was married twice before and with both of those husbands I used to think that, OP. With my DH now, (14 years in) forever doesn’t feel like long enough.

My DF has said to me that after 60 plus years of marriage to my DM, his one wish would be for another 60 with her. I’m not sure if this is helpful to you and of course all relationships are different - God knows I’m no expert - but it is possible to be with someone and not get bored with them (I have discovered).

Food for thought. I'd be so selfish though. He's a good dad, doesn't earn much but works hard and puts us first. He loves me. I'd be turning everyone's lives upside down but for my own selfishness. Seems like I've got to suck it up.

@ducksfizz

I didn't think itd go flat less than a decade in *@SoupDragon*. In fact it's only Three years of marriage within a nine year relationship. We're both young, it's drying up and it's depressing.

It's only depressing if you see it ending in one of the possible outcomes: Living forever in an unstimulating relationship. There are lots of other outcomes. Like making your relationship stimulating (there's a million ways) or accepting it's over (another million ways to come out happy on the other side down that road, too), or giving yourself another year or two to make changes and see if it might be just a phase (thereby relieving the 'forever' pressure)

But they all need to start with a conversation with your partner about how you feel. Does he know? Does he have an inkling? Could he feel the same? Imagine if you said to him 'I'm bored with our life and you've got a bit fat so I don't find you very sexy anymore' and he responded by turning himself into an Olympian and saying 'Let's go to all the places in the world we have both always wanted to go to, and take up skydiving!'

You might feel differently then. Don't feel resigned to anything. Don't sit feeling glum. Your future is open. Excitement and fulfillment lies ahead for you in many ways, but you have the responsibility for seeking it out.

@Brownlegs11

Just sounds like you’ve got a bit bored, nothing wrong with that, it happens to the best of us. Do something exciting with your husband, build some furniture together or take on a big project. Bring the excitement back into the relationship with new things. Have more sex and try new things in the bedroom. Order something rude. If he’s a good egg and really is then don’t give him up as dating is rough. Read the step parents page on here for what happens after, it’s very often not pretty Let us know what you try and if it works x

@Brownlegs11

Bless you, your post is kind but please never go into marriage counselling.

'Build some furniture together'

Have you every actually built furniture with a partner? Testing, boring and will definitely remind OP of dull domesticity and nothing else!

Sounds like you settled down too young.

I’m 40 and into my second marriage. Between my first and second I did exactly what you’re talking about wanting to do - dating, being a bit wild etc- and now years on from that I genuinely can’t think of anything worse. Feel like I’ve been there, done that and have no desire whatsoever to do that again even if (hopefully not) dh and I split up. (And I did also have a wild old time aged 18-21 before I settled with first dh too).

I think if you’re feeling this way now it isn’t going to get any better.

I suspect we’ve all gone through similar at some point - often when children are young and money is tighter. Sometimes we meet someone who feels exciting and we flirt a little and feel young and beautiful again.

Then we realise the grass isn’t greener necessarily and that you can reignite the flames when you’re not too exhausted by lack of sleep and daily grind.

Then the children grow and you find a new way of being that’s lovely. You do more interesting things again. You share memories that nobody else has. You watch your shared family become good people p, settled and happy because of their stable upbringing and your commitment to them and each other.

Forever now seems a very short time.