Forever is a very long time

[ducksfizz]

I'm a regular on other boards but name changed for this one.

Brief stats: I'm 32, dh is 40, we have two primary aged kids, been together 9 years, both work full time.

DH is a good egg. Our relationship is mostly good. We've only been together 9 years and yet often I get these thoughts of, oh god, forever??

In my early thirties and I can't imagine not getting ready for a first date, the excitement of early days new relationships etc. Is that just me? I'd love to go on a first date again!

Yes I can "date my husband", but it's not the same is it? There's no firsts, we've done all the milestones of mortgage, engagement, marriage, kids which I know I'm lucky to have. But there's no excitement, it's all just fine. And it is fine, I'm content. But I'm scared of being in the same relationship for the rest of my days.

Am I the only one? I look at couples in there 80s/90s who have been together 60/70 years and think HOW?!! I know marriage vows are there for a reason but it does panic me to think I'll never spread my wings.

You got lots of responses reminding you of the bad side of being single, and the points are true, but I doubt they help.

DH and I have been together since our late teens (early 30s) and both recognise your feelings, although if you're not finding your husband attractive there could be a bit more going on. But while we both want to stay together forever we also both wanted to experience that thrill of meeting someone new. DH had only ever had relationships and had never experienced anything more casual, which isn't for everyone of course but was an experience he had missed that he would have liked to have.

So we did some dating! We joined regular dating apps and met people that way. Rule was we had to be upfront with people of course, can't meet or sleep with anyone who doesn't know the situation. Quite a few people were still happy to meet and we both had some new experiences. Lockdown kind of ended things more recently obvs.

It wouldn't work for everyone and required enormous amounts of talking and honesty but it was useful for us. Neither of us wanted to be wondering 'what if' in our 40s or 50s.

People think couples only do what DH and I did when their relationship is ending or struggling but it was the opposite for us, though I imagine it is often true. The strength of our relationship is what allowed it to be successful and we grew even closer.

Anyway just posting my experience so you know you're not alone in those feelings and I think personally they are quite healthy. Forever means a really long time now. But you need to work out if it's actually because you don't like the idea of being with your husband forever as opposed to wanting new experiences. For me my marriage was never in question but it would be v different if it was. MN may not be the best place to post. There seems in general to be a lot of posters who get quite angry about these kinds of feelings.

I just wanted to point out that forever actually isn't a long time. Life is short. The next three decades will go by in a flash. If you want to make changes, make them now.

Do you love your husband?

There is not a single mention of that in your post...

It just seems like you are going through the motions of domestic life because you think that is what was expected of you (get married, have kids, buy a house and die of boredom...) but that you are not with the right person for a long-term romantic relationship.

People change and often a relationship that worked in your 20s no longer does later in life.

I don't think this is just about you missing dating. It is a much bigger issue with your relationship...

@ducksfizz

Food for thought. I'd be so selfish though. He's a good dad, doesn't earn much but works hard and puts us first. He loves me. I'd be turning everyone's lives upside down but for my own selfishness. Seems like I've got to suck it up.

Everybody's responsibility in life is to make sure they are OK themselves. You won't be the best Mum you can be or set a good example to your kids if you stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. You won't be a good partner to somebody with whom you are bored. Selfishness has a very bad name. You are not trapped. If you allow things to stay as they are without opening up to your partner, then you need to accept responsibility for the fact that you are trapping yourself. Nobody else has even had any input to your woes yet, and already you feel stuck.

It's going to take some bravery, but you need to open a discussion. Expressing to your partner that you feel bored won't 'turn everyone's lives upside down'. Cut the drama and have a conversation.

A couple of things jump out for me OP like My best friend is going through an amicable divorce and she's loving all the dates she's going on firstly, does she have children? If she does, come back in 5 years and tell me how that is now going. My friend had a lovely Dh and then once he got a new girlfriend the gloves were off from both sides.

Secondly, if your Dh doesn't earn much money and you split he might only be able to afford a 1 bed house or even might be happier in a house share just renting a room and so you may end up with the children 24/7 meaning those "dates" you think you will go on will require you to arrange childcare.

Those dates may also have children of their own who may hate you (see the step parenting board) I think this is a time, for now, to turn into your marriage and address the weight issue. But do things together, could you walk with the children and Dh? Get it to be a regular thing (covid permitting) and work out what else could make you happier. Why does it all depend on this one person?

I have been married over 20 years, forever isn't long enough.

I’d try and fix what I have first, you have children and a marriage and you admit he’s a good man. So tell him he needs to loose weight (I’m putting my hard hat on here, as many will disagree but if you don’t fancy him it not going to work) , start thinking of something you can do together now or post lockdown... learn to dance together, go running together, golf. Whatever might interest you both. If it does end you know you tried. Talk to him, and tell him lockdown marriage is hard. And put as much effort in as you would in dating... so make sure you look good, you pay attention to him, flirt. If it doesn’t work, then the world of old will still be there,

@ducksfizz

Food for thought. I'd be so selfish though. He's a good dad, doesn't earn much but works hard and puts us first. He loves me. I'd be turning everyone's lives upside down but for my own selfishness. Seems like I've got to suck it up.

No, you don't.

It's your life. You dont have to make any giant decisions now.

When the kids are small, I think it's easy to feel stuck, and look at the ' most changable' part.

Start with you. Can you add some zest to your life? Take a course, learn new skills, whatever? Have a conversation with your husband about you all being healthy- do it as a family.

If you decide you want to leave, then you can, but perhaps you need to do everything you can to see if you can salvage it

I think the real problem is that you don't love him.

You've described him as a good egg, and a good dad, but for me that wouldn't be enough.

Also, I don't really know how to put this, but here goes - would you say you're prone to being overly influenced by what your peers are doing? I've known a couple of people who have married, had children and split up at almost the same timings as their mates, so much so that it's been as if they're copying.

I agree with PP. You have to talk with him. You sound bored with life/stuck in a rut and he is a major part of your life but not all of it. Explain you want to make some changes but want him
To come with you and not leave
Him behind. Ask him if there are changes he would like to make and have
More or/less of or things he would like to do to feel the happiest he can be. How he responds to this longer term will tell you all you need to know. Short term he might be shocked or angry due to feeling insecure. So give him a little time.
But at least you will know in your heart you encourage him to come with
You and you tried. Don't force the sex issue for now if you have the ick. That may resolve itself naturally if more fun and fulfilment is brought into the household. And again if it doesn't... you tried.

I also think 2020 has restricted us so much it has made a lot of people unfulfilled so i would hold off making major decisions for a while.

OP I just came by to say that I spent my early/mid 30s single and dating and while there were fun moments, overall it was awful. I suspect your friend will find this too when the novelty wears off. With respect, dating now with the rise of OLD is a different ball game to 9/10 years ago.

I had 4 years of being ghosted, wasting my time on dates with no-hopers, pretending to be cool & casual when I felt the opposite, feeling like shit when they lose interest after they've got the shag they were after, analysing every fucking text message both sent and received, crying because some loser I'd really taken a shine to didn't feel the same, and having a little bit of hope chipped away with each unsuccessful date or unmatch.

I met DP a year ago and Thank God every day that I don't have to go through any of that shit any more.

Count your blessings and then go plan something new & exciting to do together with your good egg x

I agree with @DuzzyFuck. A good friend goes through the same and she’s given up for now at 38. She’s been single all through her 30s bar odd short relationships that go nowhere fast. I think I’d remain single if I lost my partner/he left me etc.

However it’s very different if you are feeling this because your friend is having fun and it’s a bit of envy for that lifestyle as you raise kids etc. A bit bored because well this years been hard and not much fun for anyone, the grass looks greener type of thing.

Or that actually your husband is not the man for you and you have fell out of love. That you don’t want to be with him at all. That’s a different situation. No one should stay in relationships they truly aren’t happy in.

Can you try and rediscover what you first loved about him?

This is why couples get into swinging

Thank you everyone I really appreciate how you've taken the time to respond. Tier 4 Christmas isn't the time for the conversation but I'll put my big girl pants on and get thinking.

@Grobagsforever 😂 yes I can see why that doesn’t scream excitement. I meant to work on something. My dp and I built a summer house/annex last year in our spare time and we really enjoyed it. Yes he’s handy so that helped but we both had a lot of satisfaction of working together and now being able to use it. We also started up cycling old furniture and love what we made together.
However with my exh I couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as him, let alone work with him

He's a good egg, I think you need to look at what you can be grateful for. You seem to have a good and lovely life. Be happy together with him and your children. You have a stable home and a man that loves you. A lot of my friends marriages are exactly like yours. They accept it as its part of a long term marriage. Your feelings might change in the next couple of months/years? Be thankful for what you have.

I'll put my big girl pants on

I think this might be the key, not to fixing the problem, but to stopping you from feeling stuck, which, ultimately, will lead to the problems getting fixed anyway. There's nothing worse than feeling still in a place you don't want to be. A deep breath, and any forward step will help you feel better in the short term.

I went through a very bad patch in my marriage and a good friend, whose parents are divorced, told me to think about every family event if DH and I split up. School plays, graduations, weddings, all potentially tense and awkward because Mum and Dad are divorced.

We worked on things (both of us had work to do) and we are still together after 20+ years. I’m so glad I didn’t leave him although God knows he deserved it.

I also think that the spark can come back but again you need to work on it.

For certain, your kids will thank you for staying with your DH and you can be happy together, too, for sure. Good luck.

Do you honestly think if you leave him and find a new man that you won’t be thinking the same about the new man in a few years time once the exciting ‘honeymoon’ period is over?

You do sound a bit bored at the moment, but is your boredom worth breaking your family up over and then having to deal with all the complexities that come with that is the question you need to ask yourself. In your position I’d try to work on my marriage including an honest talk with your husband about his weight.

For what it’s worth I have a couple of friends back in the dating world after marriage break ups and I don’t envy them one bit. Dating these days isn’t what it was 9 years ago or however long it was since your first date with your husband.

it does panic me to think I'll never spread my wings

This really stuck out for me. What did you mean by this? It sounds more like a comment about life. You're early thirties with school age kids, so must have "settled down" at what, by modern standards, is a relatively young age.
You might have the ick, you might be fed up in your marriage. But - and I could be totally off track here so forgive me - are you sure it's a DH problem you have?

I feel the same OP. I'm 40 and have been with my DH for 14 years. I'm not sure what can be done once you don't fancy someone any more. I long for some excitement and casual sex!
Need to put on my big girl pants in the new year. I am going to try couples therapy and, if that doesn't work, separate.

This thread is the mindset of every middle-aged guy who leaves his wife for a woman half his age because she makes him feel more “alive”.

I think @CeibaTree and @Cavagirl have it spot on.

What plans do you have to improve the situation OP? Marriages don't stay happy by chance.

Why did you marry him? Had you had your heart broken by someone else and then your now-DH seemed like a much safer, nicer, steadier man?