Forever is a very long time

[ducksfizz]

I'm a regular on other boards but name changed for this one.

Brief stats: I'm 32, dh is 40, we have two primary aged kids, been together 9 years, both work full time.

DH is a good egg. Our relationship is mostly good. We've only been together 9 years and yet often I get these thoughts of, oh god, forever??

In my early thirties and I can't imagine not getting ready for a first date, the excitement of early days new relationships etc. Is that just me? I'd love to go on a first date again!

Yes I can "date my husband", but it's not the same is it? There's no firsts, we've done all the milestones of mortgage, engagement, marriage, kids which I know I'm lucky to have. But there's no excitement, it's all just fine. And it is fine, I'm content. But I'm scared of being in the same relationship for the rest of my days.

Am I the only one? I look at couples in there 80s/90s who have been together 60/70 years and think HOW?!! I know marriage vows are there for a reason but it does panic me to think I'll never spread my wings.

I agree with PPs, you make no mention of loving him - do you?

If he has changed physically to something you no longer feel attracted to that is a hard thing to overcome. Is he open minded to changing and getting back in to shape?

How do those of you who have been together a long time keep the spark? Please share.

Intimacy has always been a huge elephant in the room. My drive has always been way lower. I had a recent mmc (unplanned pregnancy) and it's put me off even more. DH loves every sport going, I have zero interest. I love theatre which he comes to now and again. We're very much an "opposites attract". Pre-Covid we'd have maybe 1-3 dinners out together a year, kids always with us otherwise. I don't drink, he likes a drink. We watch Netflix series together, have done board games/jigsaws during lockdown.

I don’t think you would be posting this If you were happily married because when you are you are glad you will never date again and you would never want to be away from your husband in old age. So I think your post is really about something else. Marriage gone stale or fallen out of love with him. Maybe don’t want sex with him anymore or just really bored in your marriage. Could just be that it has run it’s course and the thought of this being all is filling you with dread.

@Skyla2005

I don’t think you would be posting this If you were happily married because when you are you are glad you will never date again and you would never want to be away from your husband in old age. So I think your post is really about something else. Marriage gone stale or fallen out of love with him. Maybe don’t want sex with him anymore or just really bored in your marriage. Could just be that it has run it’s course and the thought of this being all is filling you with dread.

Sorry @Skyla2005 but this is naive bollocks. There’s a reason there’s a thing called the seven year itch. There’s a reason we take marriage vows. I’m flabbergasted by the amount of people who don’t seem to recognise a long term partner is someone you’re happy to compromise and work together with as opposed to a magic person who neutralises all your natural urges so you can breeze on with no effort required.

I would hate to go back to dating. All that inane small talk. I love that DH and I have been together so long and have so many shared memories and know so much about each other.

We have been married 40 years and both hope to have many many more years together. Still very much in love, best friends, love spending time with each other (just as well as were together 24/7 for a lot of this year thanks to covid), still have sex.

You were too young when you got together. Works for some people but none I know! Most people outgrow the ones they were seeing in their early twenties, quite normal I'd say.

Staying will probably involve a lot of self-sacrifice. If you can sustain that will depend how much of a martyr you are - that comes down to personality and how heavily conditioned you are.

Since you have DC and he's a good egg then it's always worth working on. I'd make a plan, give yourself a timeline (a year for example) and really put your all into reviving the relationship. If, by the end of that year you still feel the same, then at least you can take steps to leave knowing you gave it your best shot.

@ducksfizz

How do those of you who have been together a long time keep the spark? Please share.

Intimacy has always been a huge elephant in the room. My drive has always been way lower. I had a recent mmc (unplanned pregnancy) and it's put me off even more. DH loves every sport going, I have zero interest. I love theatre which he comes to now and again. We're very much an "opposites attract". Pre-Covid we'd have maybe 1-3 dinners out together a year, kids always with us otherwise. I don't drink, he likes a drink. We watch Netflix series together, have done board games/jigsaws during lockdown.

We have never really had to do anything to keep the spark. We don't have children so I think that helps massively.

We share quite a lot of interest but also take an interest in the other's hobbies and interests. For instance DH is very into cars whereas I am not so much but we go to car shows together. If they are not close to where we live we go away for a couple of days and then do something else on the other day(s).

We both love going to the cinema but we take it in turn to choose the film as we do have slightly different tastes. The only films we would never go and see are horror. I have often really enjoyed a film that I would never have gone to see and the same for DH.

Honestly happy never to have to do it again. Dating was miserable for me, I kissed so many nasty frogs before meeting my (mostly lovely) DH. The grass usually isn’t greener.

Most of my dating life was spent liking people who doesn’t like me back. The people who DID like me were awful. Most of the excitement of getting married (IME) is in finding someone you really like who actually really likes you in return.

*didn't, not doesn’t. (I’d forgive anyone who hated me because of that awful grammar.)

" I’m flabbergasted by the amount of people who don’t seem to recognise a long term partner is someone you’re happy to compromise and work together with"..this is the point isn't it..the OP isn't 'happy'!?

You get one life and it is hopefully a long one, you need to talk to your partner and understand where you are both at, and go forward from there.
No one man will tick all the boxes, and only you can decide if those that are ticked currently are worth staying for. Good Luck !

I don’t know any woman who loves dating. It’s hard work and there are many more duds than there are good men.

Be grateful for what you have because it is very special.

I don’t think you should be making any any big decisions after a year like this. I think a lot of us have struggled being with our partners for such extended periods of time with far less input from friends/hobbies etc.

Agree with Bigsandyballs. This year has made me reflect on my life in a way I have never done before - and it's not necessarily a good thing.

Not seeing friends, being able to have nights out or a proper holiday has made life seem pretty dull, and being cooped up so much with family is a struggle at times. You need to get perspective on why you're thinking like this now, and look at what you can do (if anything) to improve things between you.

My friend went through this exact same feeling & left her husband ( who is a lovely caring man)
I can only say to you be very careful what you wish for.
My friend as I said left her boring
( so she thought) husband & eventually started dating, new hobbies etc was loving life however a year later all that became boring too & she realised that actually her life with her husband had been what nearly everyone wishes for but they had just hit a bad patch & both hadn’t really made much effort.

She then decides she loves him & wanted to get back together, her husband had just stared dating a women which was the first women he dated since she completely trampled over his heart.
He said no to getting back together as the trust was gone, he’s still with this women who is really nice, my friend is now so unhappy ( it’s sad) & even said to me that she had thought she was bored in her marriage but really she had been content.
It’s really sad seeing her now & what she through away.

Marriage does not always last forever and maybe yours will not make the long haul, many don't. I've been with my DH for 30 years and the thought of 'forever' gives me a warm glow - it doesn't seem long enough for us.

When we went the Registrar's house to register our marriage, she had a tapestry that read 'Time Alone is the Measure of True Love'. That has stayed with me - you don't know until you are living it.

Lots of couples have periods in their lives where they go off by themselves. I like solo travel and I plan to do a lot of it when the kids have left home. I also like time with my DH. Just not all the time.

I've looked a lot of stuff on the relate website. I'm bored of my marriage is the best way to sum this all up. The advice basically says go out and do stuff together. Well with two sets of school fees pushing us to the knuckle, we live to our last pound every month but I'll suggest some free stuff - walks, home film night etc. I'll also have to find a way of tactfully telling him he's 1-1.5 stone overweight according to nhs. That'll go down well.

Good luck. If you don't your marriage won't improve by the sounds of it.

I also think you might be bored with your life, not just your marriage and need to rediscover some joy and hobbies personally too.

I have a happy life @Jobsharenightmare but my marriage brings me down.

If you are bored after 9 years it doesn't sound like there is much hope for the future to be honest.

Well, I'm old fashioned but i think what you are experiencing is entirely normal, but not a reason to divorce and start again. Marriages go through these peaks and troughs. You are going through a trough, but one I remember going through myself well (together 30 years, mostly very good now). I cried at the irrational realisation I would never have the chance to find the absolute perfect man. DH is good in many ways, but he is not perfect. But that is the point: no-one is. You will never find the perfect man.

I think you are experiencing the classic 7 year itch (more or less. I realise you have been together a bit more than 7 years). Your children are still at the demanding stage too. I think if you ride out the itch, you will find it improves.

I would work on his weight though. It is reasonable to tell him you are worried about the long term health implications of his weight gain and to encourage him to lose weight. Do it together, even if you haven't any extra weight yourself to lose. Go on a health drive in 2021. My dh put on a load of weight a year or so back, then a couple of people our age we knew had heart attacks and I persuaded dh to lose the weight for his own health. It is a work in progress, but he is trying, and it binds you together working on a personal project like that. It shows you care about him.

I don’t think you should stay with him if you aren’t sexually attracted to him. It’s not fair on you or on him, to be honest.

But then I think sex is a massively important part of marriage/a relationship. I realise others disagree.

Yes I disagree @Lovelydiscusfish I don't know think sex is necessarily a key component; many relationships are happy without sex. Though I appreciate for some it is important.

Surely it's normal to feel like this from time to time. I sometimes feel whistful that I'll never have that beginning relationship excitement. Waiting for a message, wondering how they feel, flirting etc. Meeting someone exciting for the first time. Amazing, exciting, new sex.

I also miss lots of things about being young, Going on holiday with friends, being able o have a crazy night out and still get up the next day, still not know what career you'll have and where you'll end up living etc.

If I was actually single I'd miss the closeness of a relationship and having someone I could rely on and just be with on the sofa every night.