Forever is a very long time

[ducksfizz]

I'm a regular on other boards but name changed for this one.

Brief stats: I'm 32, dh is 40, we have two primary aged kids, been together 9 years, both work full time.

DH is a good egg. Our relationship is mostly good. We've only been together 9 years and yet often I get these thoughts of, oh god, forever??

In my early thirties and I can't imagine not getting ready for a first date, the excitement of early days new relationships etc. Is that just me? I'd love to go on a first date again!

Yes I can "date my husband", but it's not the same is it? There's no firsts, we've done all the milestones of mortgage, engagement, marriage, kids which I know I'm lucky to have. But there's no excitement, it's all just fine. And it is fine, I'm content. But I'm scared of being in the same relationship for the rest of my days.

Am I the only one? I look at couples in there 80s/90s who have been together 60/70 years and think HOW?!! I know marriage vows are there for a reason but it does panic me to think I'll never spread my wings.

I'll also have to find a way of tactfully telling him he's 1-1.5 stone overweight

How would you feel if he brought up a similar topic with you? Or said your boobs weren’t as perky as they used to be, etc? Might be worth keeping this in mind while coming up with an approach.

Oh that thought has entered my mind a lot @BubblyBarbara. I'm no oil painting, I've had two kids but at 5'4 and 8.5st I'm relatively slim. I don't believe I'd ever allow myself to become so overweight but if I did I'd hope my husband was honest to tell me.

Are you absolutely sure it's his weight putting you off, and not just that you are not keen on him, and the weight seems the most obvious difference?
Just a thought - it sounds as if you like and want quite different things in life. Looks do make a difference, sure, but if you are really keen on the person's character then looks don't seem quite so important.

Does your dh say or do things that make you feel loving towards him, or that confirm that you suit each other well?

I guess I feel there should be some fizz to our relationship. We've flatlined. It's boring, monotonous, no passion. I want to get dressed up rather than my work uniform or mum uniform. I want to get butterflies when I see him, I want to miss him when I'm out (all pre Covid obviously). Nada. It's just gone. But then neither of us have had a 9year relationship before or anything even close. Maybe I just had some Hollywood idealism that I'd feel starry eyed for longer.

I know what you mean. I think back to what it was like when me and DP were getting to know each other, how excited I was to see him, what kissing him for the first time was like .. and I really want to feel like that again.

We have a shared hobby and he used to drop by at my club (he was at a different one) to 'help out', but I soon learned it was nothing to do with that, and everything to do with seeing me. It was completely out of his way!

Don't get me wrong, we have a wonderful relationship - but I do still miss how it was before we lived together, before we really knew each other that well.

I wouldn't swap what we have now for anything, though.

I am on my second marriage. First was wrong. This time I am so excited to spend the rest of our lives together. And we have been together 10 years and married nearly 1. Some people put up with it. Some don’t. It can only be your choice OP.

Yes @Nc135 but I don't think I can cite divorce for feeling bored. The upheaval for our children just because mummy's a bit bored would be totally selfish. I couldn't do that to them. It's not like there's severe reasons to split. I'd love to go out and have a flirt, someone to smile back and boost my ego a bit because I don't get that spark at home - nor do I give it.

@ducksfizz you are bored and not having an active sex life. All I am saying is how wonderful it is to find somebody who makes me laugh, keeps me on my toes, have amazing sex with. My parents had (and still have) a shit relationship and I didn’t want that.

You sound quite superficial to me. If a man was on here saying his 40 year old wife was 1-1.5 stone overweight and he was turned off and "so overweight", he would be getting torn apart, if you think he's overweight tell him, but calm down ffs, it's not particularly uncommon to put in a stone.

Why are you sending your children to private school if you can't afford it to this level? Whose decision was that?

And I actually think YOU sound boring. You honestly spend your days yearning for the excitement of a first date? What on earth is exciting about that? Get some imagination FFS, life is amazing, so much to do and so much to learn and that is what you want?

@User75667 I don’t think the weight thing is the real underlying issue here though.

I think the weight is a red herring and I’m also curious as to the private school thing. Perhaps some more disposable income as family to enjoy holidays/activities or a reduction in working hours would be a better investment in everyone’s happiness!

@ducksfizz

I guess I feel there should be some fizz to our relationship. We've flatlined. It's boring, monotonous, no passion. I want to get dressed up rather than my work uniform or mum uniform. I want to get butterflies when I see him, I want to miss him when I'm out (all pre Covid obviously). Nada. It's just gone. But then neither of us have had a 9year relationship before or anything even close. Maybe I just had some Hollywood idealism that I'd feel starry eyed for longer.

I don't think you should be feeling that way after only 9 years. That really is not a very long time at all.

As I said, we have been married for 40 years, and I often still get butterflies when I see DH and I definitely miss him when I am out or at home and he is out working.

I think quite a lot of women feel the same, op. Perhaps you need to find things that keep you happy and busy? Join a club? Take the children out of private school and go be able to afford nice holidays etc. Life does go by in a flash, try to enjoy the ride. If you love him, be happy.