Dh really rude about a friend

[alienisthebestfilm]

Dh and I had a row on Saturday afternoon about one of my friends which resulted in us not talking. We still aren't on speaking terms at the moment, and he'd normally text me when he arrived at work but he hasn't. I'm normally the one that fairies a conversation as I hate this 'not speaking' atmosphere, but I'm struggling to get passed what he said.

He's always had an issue with one of my friends, when I talk about her he's always negative and can be snotty about her. On Saturday I mentioned that I'd been talking to her and that we would try and have a long weekend with our dc when we were able. He made a few snarky comments and I called him out on them (I'd normally just ignore these), we ended up having words and the end result was he said he didn't like her, and when I asked him why he said 'because she's a slag'. Now I found that really really offensive. Especially as this also makes my dh a massive hypocrite.

I know I should try and sort this stalemate out before Xmas but I honestly don't know how to. I've tried to write it down and explain how it made me feel but I'm struggling to put into words and I'm still that pissed off with him, abs that it feels like I'm just trying to paper over the cracks.

He never uses language like this either at me or about people which is why it came as a massive shock.

That is a truly awful & unacceptable comment - it speaks of a deep rooted misogyny, I'd be pretty horrified if my DH described someone this way.

I’d be worried there’s some history there...

This is horrible. Does he know her from the past and did she hurt him or something. It doesn't make sense why he angrily called her a slag. Horrible language

That’s a really bizarre way to describe someone completely out of the blue, what’s the background?

He fancies her

I've know her for a long time, at least 8 years longer than my dh. Our dc grew up together (from my first marriage). There's no history between them at all.

I'm just horrified at the language he used. This is so unlike him, I very rarely hear him use this sort of language.

I keep flipping from 'I'll try and talk to him and break the silence between us, to I really don't know what I can say'. He's crap at talking about stuff and it's always me that will force a conversation to resolve an issue. I just don't feel like resolving it at the moment, but I'm also aware it's coming up to Xmas and I don't want to be putting on an act for my dd (teenager from another relationship)

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit

He fancies her

This. Or there is some kind of history.

I would normally agree that there's history, but she's always lived in the same area and he moved here to be with me and my dd. He's always been a bit odd where she's concerned. I'd have bet my mortgage payment he doesn't fancy her, but maybe I'm wrong.

She's single and has enjoyed herself, quite rightly so imo. But then again my dh has been around the block a few times himself so not only is he using horrid language he's a massive hypocrite to boot.

Sorry - my post was glib.
I can see why you’re upset. The language is misogynistic and nasty. He is supposed to care about you and by extension see how important your friend is to you. I would hate to be in this position.
If my husband had a mate I didn’t like, but who was important to m and they had a long history, I’d never ever say anything. He’s been rude, unsupportive of your choices and should apologise. But will he? or is part of your upset knowing that he will become more entrenched about the and is hard to talk to?

Bit harsh to not like your partners friend just because they like having sex o_0
She is an adult. I would find this weird to be honest. not sure why he has that much of an opinion on your friend. Does sound like he either fancies her or like others said .. history.

Someone I know referred to women in his workplace as slags and it really put me off him.... it was so innocuous the way he said it. So what is he basing this comment on then? Is he concerned that she’s a “ bad influence” on you? I know it’s not acceptable but I’m trying to understand what’s prompted the comment. Do you want to speak to him yet? I’m not sure I could be bothered just yet.. I might say “ are you ready to explain what that bull-shit was about it are we going to drag this on through Christmas ?” but I dare say that’s not the most diplomatic approach.

I think you're absolutely right @GoodbyePorpoiseSpit I think he does need to apologise.

But, and I think, and I think this is the crux, I doubt he will unless I prompt him, I also think he won't try and end this stalemate of silence either. It tends to be me that will always make the first move to try and discuss an issue, which in turn will lead us to talking again. At the moment though I don't actually feel like it should be me trying to sort this out. Plus how the hell do you start a conversation around this.

Eep. I also think that there is some history there that he is petrified you will find out about.

That's a really nasty comment to make but he doesn't have to like your friends ... he could just remain neutral or if you pushed him say something like 'she's not my sort of person'.

My DH and I (married over 30 years) have very few 'mutual' friends, my closest friends are from my school days (we are all over 60 ), I meet them without him, always have a good time, it would be nice if he got on with them and met up together even if just once a year but I don't force it. He obviously wouldn't be rude to their face if they visited.

Equally I don't like some of his friends, one friend did behave appallingly when he got divorced (usual over excitement at online dating from a middle aged man ) but again, I wasn't rude to him just chose not to mix socially.

But clearly, there is no need for your DH to be so unkind about your friend,

@Divebar I'm afraid that's exactly how I might start the conversation and I doubt it'll resolve anything

I do wonder what his issue is, is it because he thinks she'll be a bad influence, is it he thinks she'll lead me astray, either way that's also shows a complete lack of confidence (is that the right word) towards me, and also a shitty attitude towards my friend. We go out because we enjoy each other's company, not for any other reason.

It is pretty weird. She never said or done anything rude to him so I don't get why he'd be so nasty about her.

Tell him to get over his sulking.

@PhillyJoe not necessarily, it can be that he thinks ops friend will lead op astray

I think I'm also the one sulking too

I agree with a pp, he doesn't have to like any of my friends, but there's no need to be negative and rude about them either. I'm not keen one of of his mates but I'm always polite and support my dh if he wants to see him. I'd never put blockers in the way.

My friend has never upset him, or been rude to him. She's actually a really polite and nice person, has a heart of gold and has helped me out no end of times. He knows all of this.

It’s only a stalemate if you also don’t approach it for fear of ruining Christmas (which I totally get) - could you say something like, “I’m really hurt by what you said about my friend. It makes me feel so sad that people I care about don’t get on. I was so upset about the term ‘slag’. It’s not something that sounds like you at all. You’re normally so kind - what’s going on?”
He can’t really double down on that without being nasty to you - which he might- and showing himself to be unkind in the extreme. If he doesn’t engage and sulks over Christmas it’ll be on him.

Thank you @GoodbyePorpoiseSpit that's a good opener and far more grown up than I would have been. If it goes on over Xmas then that's another, more serious conversation.

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit

What a movie! Sorry couldn't resist

OP, absolutely horrible thing for him to say. Why should he care what she does in her private life?

I wonder if she tried it on with him when you were not around?

The other thing that I wonder is whether you tell him about her escapades? I mean this kindly but If she’s telling you that she’s had a date and you’re relaying it even conversationally then that obviously can’t happen anymore. Otherwise I wonder how he even knows what she does.

I doubt theres history, or an event that made him dislike her.

In a nutshell he is insecure, you off out galavanting with a woman who enjoys sex, obviously means you and her are going to go out on the pull. Its ridiculous. My ex was like this, did not give off the jealousy vibes but could not stand one friend of mine. In his words "bad influence" tit 🙄

I would just tell him how deeply unattractive it is to hear him speak about women like that and that you're not going to wall on egg shells because he is a judgemental arsehole