Dh really rude about a friend

[alienisthebestfilm]

Dh and I had a row on Saturday afternoon about one of my friends which resulted in us not talking. We still aren't on speaking terms at the moment, and he'd normally text me when he arrived at work but he hasn't. I'm normally the one that fairies a conversation as I hate this 'not speaking' atmosphere, but I'm struggling to get passed what he said.

He's always had an issue with one of my friends, when I talk about her he's always negative and can be snotty about her. On Saturday I mentioned that I'd been talking to her and that we would try and have a long weekend with our dc when we were able. He made a few snarky comments and I called him out on them (I'd normally just ignore these), we ended up having words and the end result was he said he didn't like her, and when I asked him why he said 'because she's a slag'. Now I found that really really offensive. Especially as this also makes my dh a massive hypocrite.

I know I should try and sort this stalemate out before Xmas but I honestly don't know how to. I've tried to write it down and explain how it made me feel but I'm struggling to put into words and I'm still that pissed off with him, abs that it feels like I'm just trying to paper over the cracks.

He never uses language like this either at me or about people which is why it came as a massive shock.

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit my ex husband was exactly like this about my best friend.
Def no history between them before we got together. She was nothing but nice to him and gave him a job when we came back to the UK to live.
He never had a good word to say about her to me ( sweetness itself to her face tho )
It was one of the big reasons for divorcing him

@Divebar I've mentioned it now and again to him but I stopped doing that a year or so ago due to him being 'frosty' then I mentioned seeing her.

I do find it unattractive and I wonder if this is his opinion of women.

I might try abs either talk to him tonight or message him later just explaining how he makes me feel and how disrespectful it is to me and my friend

I left an abusive relationship 20 years ago and one of the things he did was alienate me from all my friends. As a result I'm really protective of my friends and can be overly sensitive. I just wanted to sense check that this wasn't ok

I wonder too if she tried it on with him? It does seem strange to me too .Maybe he just feels uncomfortable with her?

Annoying when DPs don't get on with your friends but happens all the time, not really an issue.

The word "slag" - massive misogynistic issue.

Urgh to those of you saying she tried it on with him. Couldn't just be misogyny on his part she must have done something?

That’s a major red flag. I’d assume he fancies her, it’s like the little boy being mean to the little girl in school he fancies. Some arseholes never grow out of it.

It would take me a long time for me to forgive my husband calling one of my friends, or anyone, a slag. It’s judgemental, mysogynistic offensive behaviour. It also shows a level of emotion behind it

Which indicates to me he fancies her and is thinking about who she’s been with because of it.

@dottiedodah

I wonder too if she tried it on with him? It does seem strange to me too .Maybe he just feels uncomfortable with her?

Nah, I’d say the other way round.

I wouldn't necessarily say he fancies her, I think he's got some deeply entrenched misogyny. A single woman past a certain age who enjoys sex - some men HATE this. They're weirdly threatened by her refusal to conform. My husband holds some such "opinions" but he doesn't come outright and call them slags (vile word to use).

Either that or he's deeply insecure and worried you spending time with such a friend will be a "bad influence" and you'll want to act like she does - another lovely trait my STBXH has, which is why he's a STBXH! Either way it's not good OP...

I'm going to see what happens when he's back from work and try and sit down and talk to him.

I'm usually really laid back but this has really bothered me and makes me question exactly who I'm married to. Add that to the fact i know he'd never be the one to broach the subject, so unless I do it, it won't get resolved and I've no idea when this 'frosty' environment would end

There is history there you don’t know about.

You see lots of threads with ‘met a guy, been together a while, we love each other so much! Met his friends/family for the first time and it turns out I’ve shagged his best mate/brother...what do I do.

Response is always- ignore each other and pretend it didn’t happen....and that’s normally what does happen.

It doesn’t matter, but he should just be honest rather than create a uneasy atmosphere.

It could be also that he loves you but he has slept with her and his angry for you that your friend hasn’t said to you- like she isn’t really a friend but only your DH knows this but can’t actually tell you because his the one who slept with her.

Hope that makes sense

I'm thinking he doesn't want you spending time with her incase she lets slip about some pass he's made towards her.
He's trying to get in there first with the 'slag' comment so he's planted the seed and he can say she came on to him and that's why he said she was a slag when/if she tells you.

On what basis is he calling her a slag? Even if he has seen her in relationships with several men, his comment is highly uncalled for.

Her sex life is not his concern and how does he know about it? Does she talk to him about her sex life or does he hear her talking about sleeping around to you or others?

I wouldn't be impressed with his comment at all.

@Shetoshe

I wouldn't necessarily say he fancies her, I think he's got some deeply entrenched misogyny. A single woman past a certain age who enjoys sex - some men HATE this. They're weirdly threatened by her refusal to conform. My husband holds some such "opinions" but he doesn't come outright and call them slags (vile word to use).

Either that or he's deeply insecure and worried you spending time with such a friend will be a "bad influence" and you'll want to act like she does - another lovely trait my STBXH has, which is why he's a STBXH! Either way it's not good OP...

Definitely!

Did your friend date one of your husbands friends?
Get it out and spoken about, Not speaking and talking of your friend in such a way is no way to lead into Christmas. Especially after the year we have all survived (aye dear husband)
Get some respect or zip it. No one asked for his opinion did they?!

A single woman past a certain age who enjoys sex - some men HATE this. They're weirdly threatened by her refusal to conform.

I agree with this. Perhaps he's scared that she'll share her experiences with you and you'll realise what you're missing out on with him.

It really says more about him being jealous she has sex with other men, but quite why it concerns him to the point he called her that name is weird to say the least.

Men who think that what a woman does sexually has any indication of what she's like as a person have deep rooted issues and they don't change easily. You can tell him how hypocritical, untrue and misogynistic it is, but if he's grown up viewing women's sexuality as somehow different or dirty he's still going to think these things about women.

I'm really not a LTB type, but if this were me I wouldn't want to be with someone who thought like this.

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit

He fancies her

Get a grip. Pathetic reply.

You can tell him how hypocritical, untrue and misogynistic it is

This is what I said to him on Saturday, just not quite so eloquently as I was annoyed. I couldn't give a hoot how many people he's slept with, or she has for that matter, in my eyes it doesn't make anyone a bad person (I've been round the block a few times myself).

It was just the unfairness of his comment (not to mention the language he used) considering he's no angel himself.

It also make me feel uncomfortable discussing plans with him regarding her, as I feel I have to choose between him and her.

Op i would need to ask him what he meant by that comment. People are assuming it is because she has a lot of experience and he is therefore a hypocrite - maybe it's not the number of men but other behaviour regarding sexual experiences with men.

He could actually have valid reasons.

I would calmly ask him what it is that bothers him and take it from there. If it's just that she has a high number of partners I would be utterly disgusted with him.

My ex had this mysogynistic attitude and it took me years to see it - he concealed it really well. So don't beat yourself up if you're only spotting it now.

To me, I reckon it means at some point (whether before or after you got together, I have no idea) that she's turned him down.

It sounds exactly what some men do if a woman dares to sleep with other men but doesn't want to sleep with them.

He's crap at talking about stuff and it's always me that will force a conversation to resolve an issue

Besides being a jackass about your friend OP, this bit stuck out to me too, are you the one that is responsible for the emotional health of your relationship solely? It cannot be fun to be stuck in the role of caretaker of an adult that refuses to engage, does he do a lot of sweeping under the rug and telling you to get passed stuff without him actually apologising?

Your husband has tried it on with her, thinking she's easy because she's a "slag", and she's knocked him back.

Now he hates you spending time with her because he thinks your friend might tell you what he did - maybe after you've both had a few wines, or while you're having a moan about him to her.

@Dontbeme as a general rule we have similar outlooks on life so we rarely argue, which is why this has come left field at me.

I'm much more of a talker than he is, especially around relationship type things, but he expresses himself most of the time so I'm never left confused.

However you are right, in that, any issues are left up to me to resolve, otherwise they would be swept under the carpet and left to fester. This doesn't mean that I roll over and he gets his own way. Just that if I don't force a conversation it gets left.

There have also been a few situations over the years where he's chosen not to tell me something that he should have done. Not relationship threatening things, but important stuff nonetheless.

@HotSince63

Your husband has tried it on with her, thinking she's easy because she's a "slag", and she's knocked him back.

Now he hates you spending time with her because he thinks your friend might tell you what he did - maybe after you've both had a few wines, or while you're having a moan about him to her.

The most irritating and inevitable thing about Mumsnet is that no matter what problem you post some halfwit will reply with a hypothetical scenario presented as fact.

Why do you think it's acceptable that silent treatment is used in a marriage?

He isn't 4 years old. Taking huffs for days is not ok. That alone is abnormal and totally 'leave the bastard' territory.

That alongside him never apologising....

Also, betting this pal is a strong independent woman. Perhaps one that has had and will always gave your back going forwards. Nasty, shitty partners dont tend to like you having friends like that. That's why they try to diminish them.

Sometimes men don't like you talking about ANYONE or praising them or expressing how much you enjoy their company.
They can't be happy that you have a nice friend who's company you enjoy.
No. All they feel is 'But what about meee??? Meeee?? You're my Mummy, no one else is allowed play with my Mummeeee!'
Therefore they try to devalue the other person in your eyes.
Yep. It's childish and immature.