Dh really rude about a friend

[alienisthebestfilm]

Dh and I had a row on Saturday afternoon about one of my friends which resulted in us not talking. We still aren't on speaking terms at the moment, and he'd normally text me when he arrived at work but he hasn't. I'm normally the one that fairies a conversation as I hate this 'not speaking' atmosphere, but I'm struggling to get passed what he said.

He's always had an issue with one of my friends, when I talk about her he's always negative and can be snotty about her. On Saturday I mentioned that I'd been talking to her and that we would try and have a long weekend with our dc when we were able. He made a few snarky comments and I called him out on them (I'd normally just ignore these), we ended up having words and the end result was he said he didn't like her, and when I asked him why he said 'because she's a slag'. Now I found that really really offensive. Especially as this also makes my dh a massive hypocrite.

I know I should try and sort this stalemate out before Xmas but I honestly don't know how to. I've tried to write it down and explain how it made me feel but I'm struggling to put into words and I'm still that pissed off with him, abs that it feels like I'm just trying to paper over the cracks.

He never uses language like this either at me or about people which is why it came as a massive shock.

So it's not really about this friend. It's about your DH's and his hurt feelings that you dare to care about other people and talk about them in his presence.
He feels threatened and insecure.

I had a friend, she had a fling with an engaged man. I argued with my H at the time that her behaviour was bad, but as an engaged man, his was worse. My H called her a slag. I left him several months later (unrelated reasons) She was the first person my ex went out with after I left him.
So I think that @GoodbyePorpoiseSpit could have a valid point.

If this is the only person in your life he has this weird opinion of, then there's something else there. 'Slag' is about her sex life or attitude to it - which is a very odd thing for a man to get offended by unless there's some attraction he feels for her, or the life she lives.

Obviously he needs to apologise. But you need to get him to tell you why specifically he doesn't like her.

The language is a red herring - what you need to figure out is why your friend's sex life offends your DH. It's a deeply personal thing about her to focus on. And IMO the only time men focus on it (even in a negative way) is because they have complicated feelings towards the woman in question. Or maybe he feels insecure that she'll show you how much more fun life can be when you're single.

Either way, you need to understand WHY he dislikes her, without the vague insults. Only then can you both deal with it, or it will be a constant source of tension between you all.

I really hate the assumption that she tried it on with him or vice versa or whatever. Basically, many many men have deeply held misogynist beliefs that women should not have sex for enjoyment. A single woman, confident, happy, sexually active and free is deeply disturbing to them.

In most cases, men calling women slags is a sign of this misogyny.

OP, I'd be interested to know if there are other examples of misogyny. Probably things that you don't even think about much because, let's face it, most of us are completely unaware. eg does he make negative comments about women at work (words like "hysterical" "emotional" "manipulative" are all red flags), or get frustrated about women being promoted "just because they're women"? Does he comment on what women are wearing or ever say things like, "well, what did she expect getting rat assed at a night club." Does he happily leave you to deal with all the "woman" tasks at home? The things he's not told you before, are they because he didn't think they were relevant because he deep down just sees you as less than him?

Because men who call women slags usually do all or most of the above.

@SpaceOp nothing that rings any bells, I earn more than him and in quite a senior role, he's always supported me and what that entails, the division of household stuff is equal, he cooks and cleans as much as I do, he also gets involved with my dd and will support her in her hobbies etc. I've never heard him say anything like this about another female.

He's quite negative about another friends dh, but tbh I tend to agree with him on that as he's not the nicest of people.

[quote alienisthebestfilm]@SpaceOp nothing that rings any bells, I earn more than him and in quite a senior role, he's always supported me and what that entails, the division of household stuff is equal, he cooks and cleans as much as I do, he also gets involved with my dd and will support her in her hobbies etc. I've never heard him say anything like this about another female.

He's quite negative about another friends dh, but tbh I tend to agree with him on that as he's not the nicest of people.

[/quote]
Interesting. But do you know any other single woman "of a certain age" who are sexually active in the same way? How did he feel about Hillary Clinton? Or about middle aged women who are out and about partying more generally?

It could be that he has deep rooted misogyny. It could be that one of them has made a pass at each other.

It could equally be that he finds her behaviour based on some things you've shared to be inappropriate (I'm thinking similar to when a wife might dislike one of her husband's friends because of his attitude and the fact he repeatedly tries to cajole husband into flirting etc). Some friends aren't supportive of their friends' relationships and I don't blame partners for having issues if that's the case.

@HotSince63

Your husband has tried it on with her, thinking she's easy because she's a "slag", and she's knocked him back.

Now he hates you spending time with her because he thinks your friend might tell you what he did - maybe after you've both had a few wines, or while you're having a moan about him to her.

This was my first thought.

Don't assume the response 'she's a slag' bears much or any resemblance to ths situation or your friend.
It could easily be an emotional, if not bigoted response.
We all know that the word 'slag' has negative associations with sex but this could totally have nothing to do with her.
I hate the insult, btw and I'd definitely pull him up on it, but it could easily be misdirected anger or jealousy.
Maybe (just to give an example) he's going through something at work and all he can think of is negative things and he's just picked up on your friend to be the subject of his anger or ot could even be the way he was brought up.
Totally unacceptable to call somone that though.
I've come from a sex shaming family and I've had to address alot.

@sadie9

Sometimes men don't like you talking about ANYONE or praising them or expressing how much you enjoy their company. They can't be happy that you have a nice friend who's company you enjoy. No. All they feel is 'But what about meee??? Meeee?? You're my Mummy, no one else is allowed play with my Mummeeee!' Therefore they try to devalue the other person in your eyes. Yep. It's childish and immature.

Could easily be the case

It's likely simply deep rooted misogyny, however, what does your friend do for work? Has she remained employed throughout the pandemic?

@IJustWantSomeBees she works In a care environment, she's just gone from part time to full time In a slightly different role. We've all remained in employment during the pandemic (thankfully)

It also make me feel uncomfortable discussing plans with him regarding her, as I feel I have to choose between him and her.

Why do you need to discuss plans regarding her with him?

What amount of detail are you going into?

How is he actually getting such an insight to her private life? Are you sharing information she tells you about herself and her sex life/relationships with him?

There's something you're not saying or evading here and I'm not sure if it's because you've talked too much to him about her andnow regret it. The undercurrent of what I'm getting from you...is yes...she has had a lot of sexual partners, but so has he, making him a hypocrite.

Many people talk a lot of nonsense, but you say he's never spoken about other women like this....so what is it about her and why is he privy to that information?

Ah, so she's likely not been lured in by the predatory PR of onlyfans that's been rampant during the pandemic. I only ask because I know many men don't respect sex workers and thought it may have been possible that he'd seen her online somewhere. It's far fetched going solely on him calling her a slag but at the same time not so far fetched that men are going to be recognising women they know online a lot more often now with the rise of onlyfans and other platforms becoming established in society. Glad to hear that you've all stayed employed OP.

My first thought was he may have tried it on with her and been rejected.

Whatever the source, this is misogynistic hatred. I could not be ok with it. At the very least he needs to apologise deeply and explain himself - plus make it clear he understands what he said is not ok.

How does he even know about her sex life though?

@SandyY2K I discuss plans as I think it's the polite thing to do, such as I was going to meet her this Sunday but due to the new announcements we decided not to, I suggested we have a long weekend away with our dc when we could. I mentioned to my dh that I wasn't seeing her Sunday due to the announcements, and we were thinking of a long weekend. He made a sarcastic remark about going to Blackpool or Benidorm which I laughed at and said I might suggest it. He replied with 'there are lots of stag and hen dos' there so we should enjoy it. I asked if he was being sarcastic and he said yes. That's what started the argument. It's these types of snarky remarks I'd usually ignore but decided to pull him up on it this time.

With regards to him knowing what her sex life, she mentions about meeting people off dating apps, sometimes it's in front of him (although they've not seen each other most of the year), other times she might be telling me and he overhears the convo or asks what we're discussing and I tell him. I don't overshare as I know it's her business, but equally if he asks I might say 'oh X is telling me about a date or new fella' I've actually stopped talking about her and keeping any info to a minimum If he asks, as lately I can tell his has an edge to him when I talk about her.

Is it possible she has came accross his profile on one of those dating sites op? And he is worried she might tell you. So he needs to discredit her asap.

@IJustWantSomeBees

Ah, so she's likely not been lured in by the predatory PR of onlyfans that's been rampant during the pandemic. I only ask because I know many men don't respect sex workers and thought it may have been possible that he'd seen her online somewhere. It's far fetched going solely on him calling her a slag but at the same time not so far fetched that men are going to be recognising women they know online a lot more often now with the rise of onlyfans and other platforms becoming established in society. Glad to hear that you've all stayed employed OP.

What the fuck? There is a whole spectrum of people who enjoy sex without having an only fans account. Why on earth did you assume that she might be earning her money in that way?

He sounds like a misogynist. It's disgusting language to use. Tell him exactly how disgusted you are and that he's totally out of line

Also stop discussing anything about your friends life with him!

He sounds immature. I’d make it clear to him that calling your friend a slag, says more about him that it will ever say about her. Make it clear that you were hurt and disappointed in his misogyny and you’re done smoothing things over.

Your H has a deeply unpleasant side to him and him pulling his weight does not make up for such hateful language and immaturity.

I can't be doing with men who have deep-seated madonna/whore complexes. They are some of the very worst, how awful for you to realise this now. He judges all women, OP, not just your friend.

He made a sarcastic remark about going to Blackpool or Benidorm ... 'there are lots of stag and hen dos' there so we should enjoy it
That remark is just as nasty about you too. It sounds like he's judging you in the same way. Have you found out any more about why he dislikes her so much, or is it more that you can go out and enjoy yourself without him, is he jealous of her?

@hadesinahalfahell My comment made no mention of enjoyment of sex, I'm unsure where you've gotten that from? I specifically referenced the PR campaign that was launched by onlyfans to encourage women who have lost their jobs due to the pandemic to engage in sex work, hence my asking whether she was gainfully employed or not.