Dh really rude about a friend

[alienisthebestfilm]

Dh and I had a row on Saturday afternoon about one of my friends which resulted in us not talking. We still aren't on speaking terms at the moment, and he'd normally text me when he arrived at work but he hasn't. I'm normally the one that fairies a conversation as I hate this 'not speaking' atmosphere, but I'm struggling to get passed what he said.

He's always had an issue with one of my friends, when I talk about her he's always negative and can be snotty about her. On Saturday I mentioned that I'd been talking to her and that we would try and have a long weekend with our dc when we were able. He made a few snarky comments and I called him out on them (I'd normally just ignore these), we ended up having words and the end result was he said he didn't like her, and when I asked him why he said 'because she's a slag'. Now I found that really really offensive. Especially as this also makes my dh a massive hypocrite.

I know I should try and sort this stalemate out before Xmas but I honestly don't know how to. I've tried to write it down and explain how it made me feel but I'm struggling to put into words and I'm still that pissed off with him, abs that it feels like I'm just trying to paper over the cracks.

He never uses language like this either at me or about people which is why it came as a massive shock.

I wouldn’t assume he fancies her - he might but it’s just as likely he thinks she is a bad influence.

My ex did this with all my friends: classic Madonna vs Whore categorisation. Basically it boiled down to the ones in settled relationships were trusted and the single ones were assumed to be single because they wanted sex with multiple partners.

It’s just good old-fashioned misogyny. I think you are right not to back down on this. He needs to know it’s not acceptable.

Is your DH generally an insecure jealous type? I'm wondering if it has more to do with you planning a long weekend away with her, albeit with the kids? Some men may think that a woman can be lead astray by their single friends, the kind of men who base it on knowing they would be easily swayed int the same situation. Maybe his colourful past has coloured his opinion of others.

[quote IJustWantSomeBees]@hadesinahalfahell My comment made no mention of enjoyment of sex, I'm unsure where you've gotten that from? I specifically referenced the PR campaign that was launched by onlyfans to encourage women who have lost their jobs due to the pandemic to engage in sex work, hence my asking whether she was gainfully employed or not.[/quote]
Yes I know what you said. I'm asking what your rationale was for making the leap from what the OP described about her friend to 'oh no, has she made an only fans account'...

@hadesinahalfahell My rationale is the context that I have now explained twice: some women have been driven to sex work/porn due to the pandemic and since many men have misogynistic views about sex work I wondered whether the 'slag' comment was spurred on by having seen her online. I already established in my first comment that it's a leap. Again, please state where I referenced enjoyment of sex being linked to onlyfans?

Because the OP has explained that her friend enjoys sex, your suggestion is that she has lost her job and set up an only fans account.... why can't you see an issue with what you are saying?

God op. I must be a cynic because my first thought would be that they've shagged and he's shitting himself you'll find out

@hadesinahalfahell No, that's what you've inferred obviously, but that is neither what I said nor meant. Other people have certainly suggested that the OP's partner doesn't like her friend because she enjoys sex but my comment is separate from those and was discussing an entirely different possibility.

There is more to this.

Maybe something has happened between them? Perhaps she came onto him when drunk or something? Obviously before covid. It's very odd for him to say those things...

@JurassicParkAha

If this is the only person in your life he has this weird opinion of, then there's something else there. 'Slag' is about her sex life or attitude to it - which is a very odd thing for a man to get offended by unless there's some attraction he feels for her, or the life she lives.

Obviously he needs to apologise. But you need to get him to tell you why specifically he doesn't like her.

The language is a red herring - what you need to figure out is why your friend's sex life offends your DH. It's a deeply personal thing about her to focus on. And IMO the only time men focus on it (even in a negative way) is because they have complicated feelings towards the woman in question. Or maybe he feels insecure that she'll show you how much more fun life can be when you're single.

Either way, you need to understand WHY he dislikes her, without the vague insults. Only then can you both deal with it, or it will be a constant source of tension between you all.

Spot on - if he doesn't normally use this type of language it seems that there is something else going on here -and I don't mean necessarily the rather cliched he fancies her/ she fancies him, although that could be the case, good luck

I don't think there's necessarily any history. Some men just don't like single "out of control" women who do what they like. It makes them angry and uncomfortable and sneakily scared their DW/DP might think she'd prefer that life too. They prefer women who are safely settled with a man in charge of them. They feel threatened by them so they try to put barriers and difficulties in the way of the friendship. Deep, deep rooted misogyny and not really seeing women as individuals in their own right but only having use as the appendage of a man.

[quote alienisthebestfilm]@SandyY2K I discuss plans as I think it's the polite thing to do, such as I was going to meet her this Sunday but due to the new announcements we decided not to, I suggested we have a long weekend away with our dc when we could. I mentioned to my dh that I wasn't seeing her Sunday due to the announcements, and we were thinking of a long weekend. He made a sarcastic remark about going to Blackpool or Benidorm which I laughed at and said I might suggest it. He replied with 'there are lots of stag and hen dos' there so we should enjoy it. I asked if he was being sarcastic and he said yes. That's what started the argument. It's these types of snarky remarks I'd usually ignore but decided to pull him up on it this time.

With regards to him knowing what her sex life, she mentions about meeting people off dating apps, sometimes it's in front of him (although they've not seen each other most of the year), other times she might be telling me and he overhears the convo or asks what we're discussing and I tell him. I don't overshare as I know it's her business, but equally if he asks I might say 'oh X is telling me about a date or new fella' I've actually stopped talking about her and keeping any info to a minimum If he asks, as lately I can tell his has an edge to him when I talk about her. [/quote]
He's a misogynist who thinks he has a right to police adult women's sex lives.

He's trying to control your relationship with her because he sees her ability to have safe fun casual relationships as a moral problem that taints you by association. And you're his property do that association is unacceptable.

I have to say that a misogynist who tries to control your friendships and refuses to talk, or apologise and gives you the silent treatment, sounds like a massive bell end.

I bet he's nice when you tow the line, and much less so when you don't