Is it ok for him to speak like this. Tone not words. Need a sense check.

[Accidentaltransfer]

Husband making microwave dinner (he usually cooks proper family meals but had a busy day so needed something quick for everyone). I've watched dc2.5 and dc1 from 9, all day. Husband been doing DIY.

While he microwaved meals, I asked for 10 mins to put clean sheets on our bed. Made him stressed out, he can't watch the children while microwaving meals. Told me dinner would be late. I said "fine, I can't do it now then but this is why we never have clean laundry. Whatever you're doing takes precedence and I never get time to do the laundry".

Him "fine, I'll do all the laundry"

Me "Im not asking you to do the laundry, I just need you to multi task (ie microwave dinner and watch the girls"

Him, growling/shouting at me, it was designed to be intimidatory even though what he said wasn't "I am multitasking, I've been multitasking all day!"

Me "don't speak to me like that in front of the children. I don't want them thinking that's ok"

Him, still speaking in he intimidatory voice "you push me and push me and push me and push me!" Then charged upstairs.

Is this just angry or is it worse?

Been arguing a lot. Been a very difficult year for us. We talked about it last night and he said it was mostly from him, he's been really stressed at work but it's not so busy now so next year will be better.

Are you saying that he couldn't watch his children and put a microwave meal on?

That is exactly what he was saying

How old are they?

2.5 and 1

They had a cartoon on, room next to kitchen. Both happy pottering in the living room

Useless fucker (him of course). Can you swop him for tax credits?

He was being unreasonable, but you were sniping at him too. Neither of you come out of it well.

Not ok. Even if said in a standard tone, but doubly so if he was being deliberately intimidating.

Why did you have to ask him to watch the kids while he was heating up the meals? Why didn't you ask him to do that before he started microwaving the dinners? I would have been annoyed in his shoes as well. Not that I think any of it is the end of the world. You have a lot on, you're both getting a bit annoyed. It's life. Just cut each other a bit of slack maybe.

Not being defensive bit genuinely want to know -Wendy did I say that was snippy?

He has to stand there and watch a microwave?

Good grief its a micro meal not actually cooking just press and ping?

He has been doing DIY at the top of the house (meanwhile I've watched the children while...doing putting 3 loads of washing on, cooking lunch, tidying, reorganising the play area). As soon as he finished DIY he went to the shops and then he came in and started unpacking. I said can I have 10 while you're doing that to put sheets on (so much harder with both children in tow). Then it all kicked off

He said he had to microwave the meals, put cutlery out and wipe the table

If he had to watch the children as well then dinner would have to be later

A one year old/ 2.5 year old , I would have waited as well. He sounds like he's been busy all day as well as you, if you were going to be ten minutes changing the bedding , then it would have been ten minutes late. It's not a big deal.

Was he turning the turntable manually?

My question wasn't really about whether he should have watched them. More about whether it's ok for my husband to speak to me the way he did, through gritted teeth, growling, trying to be scary and when o told him to stop he told me I'd pushed him to behave that way

It’s just an argument that parents of young children have. There will be more no doubt. Perhaps he wasn’t being nice but not everyone is nice all the time.It’s the minutiae of life

If it's a pattern of behaviour then look at that, but it sounds like stress/ tiredness/ long day. You will no doubt get people telling you to LTB soon enough.

Your mistake was to ask his permission the power balance is off. If he does this often it's a pattern of controlling behaviour

@StephenBelafonte Useless fucker (him of course). Can you swop him for tax credits?

I said can I have 10 while you're doing that to put sheets on (so much harder with both children in tow)

So what you’re saying here is
a) you need his permission to do something, even a basic household job that benefits him too
b) the children are not really his responsibility, this is a favour to you if he looks after them for 10 minutes

I have had that age gap and I wouldn’t have enjoyed a full Saturday on duty while DH did DIY on his own. Was it urgent DIY?

And no he shouldn’t have spoken to you like that, to answer your op.

Brush it off if it’s a one off. Have a conversation about workload in the house. Why does anyone need to “watch” them if they’re in the house? Find other ways. Baby gates. Baby den. Jumperoo. You guys are making life hard for yourselves. You don’t need to be staring at them all the time.

When our kids were the same age as yours we had many similar conversations. Many not rational or particularly representative of our normal behaviour. It gets better