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Original poster

Is it ok for him to speak like this. Tone not words. Need a sense check.

80 replies

Accidentaltransfer · 19/12/2020 18:22

Husband making microwave dinner (he usually cooks proper family meals but had a busy day so needed something quick for everyone). I've watched dc2.5 and dc1 from 9, all day. Husband been doing DIY.

While he microwaved meals, I asked for 10 mins to put clean sheets on our bed. Made him stressed out, he can't watch the children while microwaving meals. Told me dinner would be late. I said "fine, I can't do it now then but this is why we never have clean laundry. Whatever you're doing takes precedence and I never get time to do the laundry".

Him "fine, I'll do all the laundry"

Me "Im not asking you to do the laundry, I just need you to multi task (ie microwave dinner and watch the girls"

Him, growling/shouting at me, it was designed to be intimidatory even though what he said wasn't "I am multitasking, I've been multitasking all day!"

Me "don't speak to me like that in front of the children. I don't want them thinking that's ok"

Him, still speaking in he intimidatory voice "you push me and push me and push me and push me!" Then charged upstairs.

Is this just angry or is it worse?

Been arguing a lot. Been a very difficult year for us. We talked about it last night and he said it was mostly from him, he's been really stressed at work but it's not so busy now so next year will be better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Accidentaltransfer · 19/12/2020 19:19

Totally agree they don't need eyes on then all day. I was a SAHM and managed to do so chores, absolutely everything, v while watching them both. Watching as in supervising, not 'looking' at them.

He stormed off an hour ago. He's still not come down. Meanwhile I've done everyone's dinner, teeth, pyjamas etc. All while 'watching' them.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 19/12/2020 19:19

Seems to me as if he's finding any reason not to look after his own children. First DIY all day then, he's busy cooking (I say that loosely)

And if he can't press a few buttons, watch his kids while he waits for the bing then he's really a bit incapable isn't he?

And no, it's not ok to speak to you like that. You know it isn't.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/12/2020 19:21

I would have just waited until after dinner to put the sheets on.

Unless he was actually "growling" at you like an animal, I think yabu yo keep saying that. People get angry, their tone changes. If I hat been doing DIY all day then went to the shops, unpacked and was making dinner, I would think you could just wait half an hour to put the sheets on.

Treacletoots · 19/12/2020 19:22

Just seen your update. Do you get to have a day doing stuff for yourself tomorrow? I do hope you haven't cooked for him. Really, sulking just to get out of pulling his weight parenting. What a dick.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/12/2020 19:23

And if he can't press a few buttons, watch his kids while he waits for the bing then he's really a bit incapable isn't he?

But the same could be said for the OP putting sheets on a bed. If she can't do that with her 2 kods in the same room, she's a bit uncapable Confused

londongirl12 · 19/12/2020 19:23

Why didn't you have dinner, and then put the sheets on? Sounds like you're both annoyed at each other, it's all very petty.

TriflePudding · 19/12/2020 19:24

It sounds like you’ve gotten into competition mode (whose worked harder, whose more stressed, whose most tired etc) you need to reset and remember that you are both playing on the same team not against each other.

In terms of your DH being shouty/intimidating then that really is your call to make - if you felt intimidated then you need to tell him because he really shouldn’t make you feel like that, and to be honest his reaction to you explaining that he made you feel intimidated will tell you everything you need to know.

mymadworld · 19/12/2020 19:24

Of course he shouldn't speak to his wife like that but he presumably thought you were being unreasonably/goady. Of course he can watch the kids and microwave a meal but he either doesn't want to or thinks he can't and you gave him an out when you asked permission. So rather than "would you mind watching the kids for 10 minutes whilst I change the beds ", you should be saying "I'm just nipping upstairs to change the beds". He's their father, a grown up and presumably has a brain that functions in all other areas of life so will realise you gone = him stepping up and will soon work a microwave whilst keeping half an eye on two kids or dinner will be later neither of which should even warrant a comment.
You need to nip out, pop out, sit on the loo, disappear upstairs, go for a walk - whatever takes you out of the room - more often as it sounds like he has no idea what to do with his own children. I know quite a few friends like this who (rightly) moan that their oh can't or won't look after the children whilst doing jobs/chores BUT the few times I've ever witnessed their oh's with the children, they hover over them, correct, comment or snipe about the way things are done. Give him time to parent ON HIS OWN IN HIS OWN WAY. It might not be perfect, it might not be how you'd do it but as l no as the children are safe and loved they'll be fine and you're doing yourself a favour in the long run.

Original poster
Accidentaltransfer · 19/12/2020 19:30

Not done his dinner.

Would have waited but kids haven't napped and knew they'd be shattered by the time we'd eaten and I'd end up doing sheets after bed. Just thought I'd try and squeeze it in while he was doing something very undemanding of his attention like microwaving some meals.

I don't know how else to describe his tone other than growling. He wasn't shouting. He was trying to be menacing. He was being aggressive. I wasn't scared but I was thinking I don't want my children seeing their mum being spoken to like this by her husband ever again.

I don't have a day to do my own things/chores/jobs/work etc. Barely get a few hours to myself once a week. His DIY was important for us, don't mind watching the children all day while he did that as it was for benefit of our family. I watch them a lot more than him and it means I can't keep on top of laundry, which is something he's commented on a fair bit and I was trying to explain that the reason we sometimes don't have anything to wear is because I enevr have a chance to do it.

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Original poster
Accidentaltransfer · 19/12/2020 19:34

He's fine with the children so long as he doesn't have anything else to do. He doesn't really play with them but he happily takes them both out for walks or around the park. He's not overprotective or over bearing. I'm not precious about how he looks after them while he looks after them. Happy to leave them to it.

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londongirl12 · 19/12/2020 19:36

But the children shouldn't have to listen to their mum being sarcastic and the way you spoke to him either. No he shouldn't have "growled" at you, but as a PP said, you sound like in competition mode. Neither of you come out well.

User878856488 · 19/12/2020 19:40

It's not just microwaving meals. It's cleaning and setting the table as well, maybe setting drinks etc. I don't just get why you didn't say, fine it will be ten minutes later then, that's fine.

You were being controlling. You had an idea that he could do it all, his idea was different. You then spat your dummy out with saying " your stuff always takes precedence" sarcasm and he lost his patience.

Original poster
Accidentaltransfer · 19/12/2020 19:48

What did I say that was sarcastic?

OP posts:
laudemio · 19/12/2020 19:56

Its abusive behaviour, it is not ok, it is designed to threaten you and put you in your place. Read Lundy Bancroft. You don't have to live like this.

User878856488 · 19/12/2020 19:59

When you're going off on one telling him the reason that you don't have any clean laundry is because your husband can't multi task for ten minutes.(?) When you're saying his stuff always takes precedence, even though he's spent the day doing DIY to benefit the family, went food shopping and was organising dinner. I was assuming it was sarcasm. Because it sure doesn't make sense.

You were being controlling. You decided you wanted something to happen a certain way, and instead of discussing how it would go, you started getting annoyed and taking it out on you husband. You couldn't take your DH opinion into consideration.

londongirl12 · 19/12/2020 19:59

I can't imagine what you said to him was said in a nice smiley way. I bet you had tone too. What I'm saying is you were both being ridiculous. He could have multitasked, you could have done the sheets quickly after dinner.

Original poster
Accidentaltransfer · 19/12/2020 20:06

I didn't go off on one.

His stuff - his chores, DIY, jobs, stress, work, whatever it is - does always take precedence. Whatever needs to be done, the thing he has to do is always perceived to be more challenging, more urgent, more involved etc then what I have to do, which means I either have to do my stuff after bedtime while he watches TV/reads/listens to music, do it with both children (which is how I spent today) or it doesn't get done.

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MrsLebowski · 19/12/2020 20:10

Not a big deal everyone was tired and hangry, so I would let it go.

User878856488 · 19/12/2020 20:10

I just don't understand why you couldn't say, fine dinner will be ten minutes late. He didn't say he wasn't going to watch the kids, he didn't say he wasn't going to heat up the dinner. He just didn't want to do it all at the same time, and that's his prerogative. You wanted him to do it all at the same time and got annoyed when he didn't want to. It was ten minutes. I don't understand this fuss for ten minutes.

AmywithanL · 19/12/2020 20:20

Can I just say that no one can control your/our feelings. Just your self. So if he felt you were ‘pushing and pushing’ him then its up to him how he deals with it. He could have been calm and asked you to just wait 10 mins whilst he sorts tea out. But instead he got angry. That was his feeling, anger. You didnt make him ‘feel’ angry, only he can control his feelings!

Original poster
Accidentaltransfer · 19/12/2020 20:20

Such a range of opinions, which helpful. Thanks for all your replies. Good to think about different perspectives. Finishing bedyime and then will see if he's ready to talk

OP posts:
Original poster
Accidentaltransfer · 19/12/2020 20:22

I think the main issue I have is him saying I pushed him to behave a certain way. He blamed his behaviour on me and then hid upstairs because he knew the way he'd spoken to me was not ok.

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AmywithanL · 19/12/2020 20:22

PP is not asking about the actual words said, but how they were said...in a growling effect through gritted teeth in an attempt to scare or intimidate...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/12/2020 20:22

In this specific instance you both sound tired, wound up and resentful of one another.

In the bigger picture based on the information you've given, it sounds like you have to be default parent / assigned responsible one and he's lazy.

Of course we only get your side so I appreciate I'm just basing that on what you've said. But I think you're (understandably) projecting the wider situation onto this specific one, which is annoying but wouldn't be a 'sackable' offence if an otherwise happy couple had a night where they were snippy with each other.

It sounds like there are much deeper issues when it comes to division of responsibility, mental load and perceived respect for one another.

Original poster
Accidentaltransfer · 19/12/2020 20:27

I'm definitely default parent 'where do we keep their pyjamas? What do they need in their bags today? How much milk should I give?' but he's not lazy. Works very hard, high pressure job, does a lot of work on our house, doesn't give himself much free time to himself outside of working on the house (were doing it up so work to be done every weekend).

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