Is it ok for him to speak like this. Tone not words. Need a sense check.

[Accidentaltransfer]

Husband making microwave dinner (he usually cooks proper family meals but had a busy day so needed something quick for everyone). I've watched dc2.5 and dc1 from 9, all day. Husband been doing DIY.

While he microwaved meals, I asked for 10 mins to put clean sheets on our bed. Made him stressed out, he can't watch the children while microwaving meals. Told me dinner would be late. I said "fine, I can't do it now then but this is why we never have clean laundry. Whatever you're doing takes precedence and I never get time to do the laundry".

Him "fine, I'll do all the laundry"

Me "Im not asking you to do the laundry, I just need you to multi task (ie microwave dinner and watch the girls"

Him, growling/shouting at me, it was designed to be intimidatory even though what he said wasn't "I am multitasking, I've been multitasking all day!"

Me "don't speak to me like that in front of the children. I don't want them thinking that's ok"

Him, still speaking in he intimidatory voice "you push me and push me and push me and push me!" Then charged upstairs.

Is this just angry or is it worse?

Been arguing a lot. Been a very difficult year for us. We talked about it last night and he said it was mostly from him, he's been really stressed at work but it's not so busy now so next year will be better.

Not acceptable that he growls at you and is deliberately menacing. This is an absolutely typical way of him trying to make sure that you don't try to stand your ground again.

Both children are asleep and he's doing what he always does when we've argued, which is to do LOADS of chores. While he was upstairs he put the sheets on the bed (while I microwaved dinner, tidied and set the table, fed the children, got them both ready for bed). He's now cleaning the kitchen and hoovering.

Included that bit in brackets just to demonstrate that what I was asking for was not particularly challenging.

He sounds pathetic to me.

He should have been able to watch the DC while microwaving meals I.e. pressing a button and waiting for it to stop, then dish on plates. Unless you actually have to turn the table by hand, he was being a complete arse, as he was not multi-tasking by any stretch of the imagination.

You have not pushed him to do anything he did not want to do; he is not a robot, and you don't have a remote control to his mouth. He just couldn't be bothered, so got in a mood. Good for you in calling him out, it's absolutely not ok for him to speak to you like that. I wouldn't tolerate it either OP.

Passive aggressive cleaning on a Saturday evening. So you look unreasonable if you raise his tone because look, he has done the sheets, cleaning and hoovering so what more do you want?

I do think doing a renovation on top of work and having small children is going to cause pressure and you both are probably feeling the pressure in different ways. Can you swap about now and then working on the renovation? Is it really something only he can do? (Of course a day doing DIY is easier and more peaceful than looking after two small children, I am a single parent so I have to juggle things all the time).

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

And if he can't press a few buttons, watch his kids while he waits for the bing then he's really a bit incapable isn't he?

But the same could be said for the OP putting sheets on a bed. If she can't do that with her 2 kods in the same room, she's a bit uncapable

Why should she need to shlep them upstairs to make the bed when their FATHER is in the next room? And he is pinging there tea. so she sjould drag them away from playing happily makes the bed and he cooks food and let's it go cold? or more sensible option he zaps there food sits them to eat it

The problem is that the growling and stomping about is meant to put you in your place so you stop asking him to do things he doesn't want to do.

When he asks you to do one more task on top of everything else you do, do you growl at him and then stomp about for hours?

Secondly is, stop asking him.
Say, I'm going upstairs for a minute.
That's all you really need to say.

he's doing what he always does when we've argued, which is to do LOADS of chores. While he was upstairs he put the sheets on the bed (while I microwaved dinner, tidied and set the table, fed the children, got them both ready for bed). He's now cleaning the kitchen and hoovering.

This is what my ex use to do when he was sulking. On a lighter note, maybe argue more....your house would be spotless!

He sounds pretty hands on and like a decent guy.

Couples are allowed to argue without it being an abusive or LTB situation.

He spent all day fixing up the house then went straight out to get a shop in.

Meanwhile you spent all day watching the kids. He probably wondered why you were still doing laundry.

It doesn't sound like it was a fun day for either of you. Lifes too short for this shit

@Orf1abc

He was being unreasonable, but you were sniping at him too. Neither of you come out of it well.

How could you possibly see any kind of equality in their behaviour?! Such a typical mumsnet reply.

OP your request was perfectly reasonable. Obviously we don't know the tone. But the request isn't snippy.

Two stressed, unreasonable people.
"Laundry" is no more of a chore than microwaving and plating meals. Or do you get your "laundry" done down by the riverside on a big rock?

@Accidentaltransfer

I didn't go off on one.

His stuff - his chores, DIY, jobs, stress, work, whatever it is - does always take precedence. Whatever needs to be done, the thing he has to do is always perceived to be more challenging, more urgent, more involved etc then what I have to do, which means I either have to do my stuff after bedtime while he watches TV/reads/listens to music, do it with both children (which is how I spent today) or it doesn't get done.

So next time you do the DIY that needs done and he can look after the children.

Some posters misreading an element on competition. I'm not on competition with him to be the one to do the most work. As previously says, he works very hard, often spends his weekends working on our house. I haven't said laundry is more of a chore than microwaving dinner (although it is harder to do with small children in the room).

Then where is the problem, OP?
He was a somewhat unreasonable making a big deal about keeping an eye on the kids, you were somewhat unreasonable on insisting to change the beds there and then. He was somewhat unreasonable with the snappy tone (happens when people get stressed ), you are somewhat unreasonable at making this big drama out of a boring family scene and making a thread about it. You are both being somewhat unreasonable still seething and not having made peace.
These situations happen, particularly when small children are part of the family. What you do after is what counts. Make peace over this non-issue guys.

@willsa

Then where is the problem, OP? He was a somewhat unreasonable making a big deal about keeping an eye on the kids, you were somewhat unreasonable on insisting to change the beds there and then. He was somewhat unreasonable with the snappy tone (happens when people get stressed ), you are somewhat unreasonable at making this big drama out of a boring family scene and making a thread about it. You are both being somewhat unreasonable still seething and not having made peace. These situations happen, particularly when small children are part of the family. What you do after is what counts. Make peace over this non-issue guys.

Yip

The problem is in my husband speaking to me in a way that was designed to intimidate me. Like I said in my title, my post and in a couple of replies since then.

He has never spoken to you in that time before.

He used a snappy, nasty tone while you had an argument. Once. For one sentence.

This is a non-issue. You are massively over-reacting.

Time=tone

Just let it go and don’t try and talk tonight. Everybody needs a good sleep

Sounds like you both had a busy, non-relaxing Saturday. If I were you, I’d be fed up having managed the kids and all meals all day to be wound up with a snippy retort. If I were him, having had a busy week (as you describe his job) and then a day of DIY followed by shopping and preparing a quick, convenient dinner in the hope of a more relaxed evening, to get a ‘can I just ...?’ I’d feel cranky and upset, and like your DH, I’d probably storm off to do the effing bed seeing as it suddenly seems important to you. Both positions are understandable; both momentary. Sounds like many an irritable moment many parents have with two toddlers, on many a Saturday night. Sounds like you each find it hard to keep on top of everything, and a bit of forgiveness on both sides would go a long way.

okay, so, the problem is not what he was doing but the tone he spoke to you in.
Right, then when there is calm this morning, you should ask him never, ever to speak to you in that tone again, no matter the situation. It was verbally aggressive and you do not wish that in your house. If you put that boundary in place, you then need to stick to it.

I suspect you saw a side to your husband you were not aware of and do not like.

But still overall, I think you both need to look at your weekends and cut yourselves some slack if you want your marriage to last. Him working full-time, doing renovations and you looking after two under threes all weekend is going to lead to pressure. Both of you are going to end up doing things the other does not like in such a pressure cooker. Time becomes just too precious and the smallest thing can then tip you over the edge because it comes existential. And then the resentment accumulates. Honestly, I get that you want things done and it seems like you need to spend all your time on them, but speaking as a single parent, if you split up because of the pressure (and small niggles can easily grow into insurmountable obstacles), you will not get it done anyway.

I think the OP found her DH intimidating. Not sure why people aren’t getting that. It’s horrible when you feel frightened by someone you love.

OP - None of us can say if your DH’s tone was ‘acceptable’ but it obviously wasn’t to you. You need to let him know that.

You were nasty and sarcastic, and he was unreasonably annoyed. You both were wrong, but all I hear from OP is, it was all him.

Both need to reassess your behaviour.

@ThriceThriceThice

I think the OP found her DH intimidating. Not sure why people aren’t getting that. It’s horrible when you feel frightened by someone you love.

OP - None of us can say if your DH’s tone was ‘acceptable’ but it obviously wasn’t to you. You need to let him know that.

Actually for me it's because I can completely see why her dp is annoyed, if I was unpacking groceries and was told by my husband to watch kids while simultaneously heating up the dinner, and when I said dinner would be late, he threw a mini strop, I might be talking in a growl/ shout as well. ( Not exactly sure what that sounds like though)

Also, the OP said she WASN'T scared. Not sure why you got that she was. Just believed that his tone was designed to intimidate, but as far as I'm concerned, he could just have been pissed off. It's subjective. But as she's not actually scared, what's the point of all this? How can anyone actually say either way,?

She needs to grow up, stop putting squabbles on Mumsnet and talk to her husband.