Porn ruining my life

[Amitoosensitive]

Hey,

So I posted a thread around the start of last month about my boyfriend watching porn. To summarise: it had turned out that he had been watching porn in the bathroom whilst “showering” and our sex life had diminished due to that. I have endometriosis so I was led to believe that due to pain/bleeding he was doing this because he was too scared to instigate sex. We had a good talk and I told him I didn’t care what he was doing whilst I was out but I found it disrespectful he was watching it whilst I was in the next room especially when I wanted to have sex. I told him I didn’t think our relationship would survive if he was lying about this again.

Fast forward through the second lockdown and all is well and good. Our sex life is booming, had one issue of bleeding but so far so good. Although I had noticed it was mainly me instigating the sex. He started making a point of leaving his phone next to me whilst he showered (not that I asked him to) and I thought things were going fine.

Anyway I went back to work a few days before him so I presumed at some point he would be probably watching porn as he’d been with me for a month straight and would be glad of some time alone! However, one day after me going back to work he developed issues maintaining an erection. We are mid twenties so really this shouldn’t be an issue. He rang the doctor who said it was probably nerves after us trying once and him being embarrassed so made an appointment for next week to see if it has continued. We have managed to successfully have sex once in the last three weeks without him going soft.

I made a joke of it being due to porn other night and he swore down on my life he hadn’t (??) and I told him not to ruin everything by lying to me. So it all came out. Now that our waking patterns are slightly different (he gets up two hours before me) he has been watching porn in the bathroom in the morning. We checked his history and the first day that I had left for work he watched porn as soon as I left. He finally admitted he has an issue and is going to talk to the doctor about it when he rings next week and hopefully get some therapy.

I just don’t know what to do now. I really didn’t expect this and I thought we were fine. I can’t get over the lying, I’m so hurt. We’ve set up parental controls on the WiFi and his phone but I don’t want to be living like this and I don’t want him to resent me and to seem controlling. I’ve been reading up on addiction and I know it’s an illness but I don’t know what to do, has anyone gotten through this?

Thank you for all of the advice, I am taking it on board. Right now I’m doing a lot of thinking and trying not to make a rash decision. I will wait until after his doctors appointment and after Christmas to decide.

The ED is a new thing, it started three weeks ago. We were having sex and he struggled to maintain and it wasn’t really a big deal but the next time we tried he struggled during foreplay. He completely freaked out himself and rang the doctor the next day. I thought he was just overthinking things at first but obviously that was when he started using porn again so the two things have to be related.

I think you are right not to rush into a decsison. But you are also right to be concerned. He is obviously feeling guilty about things otherwise he would not have lied and he is putting pressure on himself to perform with you and that has led to his ED. It's a downward spiral, you don't perform and that makes you depressed and because you are depressed it's even more difficult to perform. The way out for me is to avoid all forms of sexual stimulation until I am so desperate my desire overcomes everything else. That means laying off the porn and no masturbation. If he can do that he will be fine. If he can't then you may have a difficult decision to make.

Madonna whore complex.... I wouldn't bother trying to untangle that mess if you're not tied.

I wouldn't stick around, though I know that is hard to hear. Addiction is a massive deal and the effect it has on the partner of the addicted is often heart breaking.

People often go on about the ethics of porn etc which is very relevant but what often gets forgotten is unless you are pretty ok with it (and many women aren’t which is perfectly their right) it’s very easy simply to no longer feel sexually/romantically attracted when you know they are watching this stuff the minute you are out the door. So it’s all very well people saying it’s no big deal, for many women (and particularly older women) it can be a very big deal