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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why would a waitress say this

119 replies

Cheeseandcoffee · 19/12/2020 07:52

Ok so my partner myself and two other male relatives were at a restaurant ( I live I an area this is permissible )
The waitress whilst taking our orders in my opinion was really rude . She asked for our drink order then looked directly at me and said ‘are you tired?’ When I said no I’m not she said ‘are you sure you look really tired ‘. I said I’m sure , trying to end it there . She pressed again saying ‘oh it’s just that I thought you must have had a really hard day cause you look so tired .’
I ignored her at that point t and looked away at which point she left to get the drinks , but I have to say I felt really horrible and self conscious the whole rest of the night
My husband thinks I’m being over the top and sensitive and that she was just being ‘concerned ‘ and caring . I told him it’s her job to serve us not worry about my health
Why on earth would she do this , single me out . She didn’t do this to any of the men . I wasn’t wearing any makeup and was dressed just in smart casual . It’s a beachside town so we all were dressed that way . I probably do look that way as I’m no spring chicken and maybe she felt I needed to make more effort . Im finding myself feeling a little paranoid that as I reach menopause age I really must be looking tired . I and look after my skin as best I can and don’t have other people saying this but maybe they are just being polite
Anyway is my husband right am I being too sensitive and why would she do this . Is it common / normal and I don’t get out enough lol

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 19/12/2020 07:53

Hope you didn't give her a tip. Does your husband generally undermine you like that?

KatnissNeverseen · 19/12/2020 07:55

I think she should keep her opinion to herself and that it isn't part of her job description to comment on customers appearance. Perhaps she is looking out for people who might have the virus and it was her way of asking if you felt ok.

WiseOwlWan · 19/12/2020 07:55

That's very odd. How many times did she say it?

Once, I don't know, I think I"d brush it off as somebody else's awkwardness.

But more than once, I would think there was some agenda I was unaware of.

SugarCoatIt · 19/12/2020 07:56

What a CF! I'd actually be so miffed that I'd be contacting them to let them know how disgruntled I was.

Reminds me of the time a cocky bartender at Frankie and bennys made a quip to his colleague that me and DH mustn't know the difference between draft and bottled coke because he'd asked us which one we'd prefer and we took a minute to decide.

I asked to speak to the manager and then we left, whilst bartender was squirming saying he was talking about another customer.

biggirlknickers · 19/12/2020 07:56

I really hate it when people tell me I look tired, unless they are close friends / family who have genuine concern for me and can tell the difference between my normal haggard middle-aged face and my tired one.

I think she was very rude.

WiseOwlWan · 19/12/2020 07:57

Even if you looked like you were falling asleep in to the first course, it'd be no business of the waitress ykwim, i can't believe that when the staff are being trained up they're told, if customers look dishevelled and tired, comment on that Confused

Febo24 · 19/12/2020 07:57

Given that you mention you're with 3 men, is it possible she was concerned for your wellbeing? Just a thought really. Obviously I know a woman can go out 3 men by the way. But you get what I'm saying, she might have gotten three wrong end of the stick and was trying to give you an opportunity.

Otherwise, it sounds really quite off the wall and I'd do my best to dismiss it.

AIMD · 19/12/2020 07:59

That sounds really odd. To ask anyway is odd let alone to ask I if you’re sure when you replies you’re not tired.

Very weird. Was there an undertone or anything else that happened to add to context?

hadesinahalfahell · 19/12/2020 08:05

That is so weird. I would also have come away from that wondering what she really meant/was getting at.

Norah8 · 19/12/2020 08:06

I'd say this is her issue and don't take it to heart.
Some sort of anxiety

Jenifirtree · 19/12/2020 08:08

@Febo24

Given that you mention you're with 3 men, is it possible she was concerned for your wellbeing? Just a thought really. Obviously I know a woman can go out 3 men by the way. But you get what I'm saying, she might have gotten three wrong end of the stick and was trying to give you an opportunity.

Otherwise, it sounds really quite off the wall and I'd do my best to dismiss it.

This was my first thought, too.
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/12/2020 08:10

That's very rude and bad customer service. I'd complain.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2020 08:13

She shouldn’t have gone on at you and made you so uncomfortable and your DH shouldn’t have undermined you. Did the night improve?

I was walking past a building site nearby with my toddler a couple of days ago, feeling pretty bright and bushy tailed, I’d put some lipstick on and we were off for a nice walk, when one of the builders passed me and said unprompted “god, you look exhausted” Hmm and I gave him a sarcastic “thanks”. It was said with horror, not concern, he was clearly an arse.

AIMD · 19/12/2020 08:16

My mum has started making comments about my looks. The only way I have managed to make it stop is to immediately say something about her looks in the same tone. Not nice but seems to make her realise what she is doing:

Usually along the lines of

Mum: oh god your roots are growing through quick aren’t they (as I arrive to help care for her before she’s even said hi)

Me: yes and your hair looks a mess too. Hopefully going to the hairdresser gets easier soon eh, then we both might not look so shit!

Camenon · 19/12/2020 08:16

I remember some time ago there were a few key questions that bar staff could ask customers if they were concerned for their safety, a sort of code. Could she have been concerned for you, a lone woman with three men? It sounds as though she was being quite persistent.

NameChange84 · 19/12/2020 08:17

I have to admit I was another one who assumed that she was concerned about you being there with three men and trying to check if you were safe.

Otherwise she’s just being a bit of a bitch and trying to undermine you!

User43210 · 19/12/2020 08:17

I hope you didn't tip her after that, your husband should have been on your side in this and I, personally, would contact the restaurant to ask why their staff felt this was appropriate and I would tell them how uncomfortable and upset I felt through my visit.

Plussizejumpsuit · 19/12/2020 08:17

It's really rude. But there's a random off chance she thought you weren't safe?

WiseOwlWan · 19/12/2020 08:19

If she was concerned for your wellbeing she wouldn't have been so abrasive.

@annelovesgilbert what an arsehole.

RainbowRaine · 19/12/2020 08:20

Febo24

Given that you mention you're with 3 men, is it possible she was concerned for your wellbeing?

Agree with the above

WiseOwlWan · 19/12/2020 08:20

The OP is coming up to menopause age so going to assume about 47? Not a vulnerable / trafficked woman having dinner with three men twice her age.

I think the waitress was trying to communicate SOMETHING. But what. And why.

Do you care OP?

Ffwithfu · 19/12/2020 08:21

That sounds so oddly persistent that I’d think it was a code. Either as people said above around your safety. Or (and I may bring fanciful) she was concerned you have Covid.

bluebluezoo · 19/12/2020 08:25

Sound like she made a comment without thinking, then tried to dig herself out of it.

I do see time and time again on make up threads here though where women seem to associate no make up with looking “tired”.

Was she young? For many young ‘uns they wouldn’t dream of going out with a full face.

bluebluezoo · 19/12/2020 08:27

The OP is coming up to menopause age so going to assume about 47? Not a vulnerable / trafficked woman having dinner with three men twice her age

Age does not mean you can’t be vulnerable or trafficked. The age of the men has no bearing on whether someone might be trafficked, or sex working against their will either.

Dery · 19/12/2020 08:28

“That sounds so oddly persistent that I’d think it was a code. Either as people said above around your safety. Or (and I may bring fanciful) she was concerned you have Covid.”

I had the same thought. It sounds to me like at some level she was checking you were safe.