Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why would a waitress say this

119 replies

Cheeseandcoffee · 19/12/2020 07:52

Ok so my partner myself and two other male relatives were at a restaurant ( I live I an area this is permissible )
The waitress whilst taking our orders in my opinion was really rude . She asked for our drink order then looked directly at me and said ‘are you tired?’ When I said no I’m not she said ‘are you sure you look really tired ‘. I said I’m sure , trying to end it there . She pressed again saying ‘oh it’s just that I thought you must have had a really hard day cause you look so tired .’
I ignored her at that point t and looked away at which point she left to get the drinks , but I have to say I felt really horrible and self conscious the whole rest of the night
My husband thinks I’m being over the top and sensitive and that she was just being ‘concerned ‘ and caring . I told him it’s her job to serve us not worry about my health
Why on earth would she do this , single me out . She didn’t do this to any of the men . I wasn’t wearing any makeup and was dressed just in smart casual . It’s a beachside town so we all were dressed that way . I probably do look that way as I’m no spring chicken and maybe she felt I needed to make more effort . Im finding myself feeling a little paranoid that as I reach menopause age I really must be looking tired . I and look after my skin as best I can and don’t have other people saying this but maybe they are just being polite
Anyway is my husband right am I being too sensitive and why would she do this . Is it common / normal and I don’t get out enough lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeseandcoffee · 19/12/2020 08:30

@WiseOwlWan

The OP is coming up to menopause age so going to assume about 47? Not a vulnerable / trafficked woman having dinner with three men twice her age.

I think the waitress was trying to communicate SOMETHING. But what. And why.

Do you care OP?

Yes I definitely felt there was something to it and I think this is why is why it’s bothered me so much . This actually happened in a beachside town where everyone is very chill and laid back . I was holding my husbands hand and we were joking when she approached the table so I doubt she thought I was unsafe . It was just so odd . Also there were no cases of the virus in the state where this happened at the time I was there so I don’t this this was her concern either My husband suggested going back there for a meal and that brought the whole thing back to me And yes no tip !
OP posts:
Comtesse · 19/12/2020 08:31

Sorry what???? A woman with 3 men having dinner is unsafe???? That is crazy. The waitress was rude. Ignore her, she was being a cow.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/12/2020 08:32

I hate anyone saying I look tired - especially when I’m not! - it often translates as ‘awful’.

It’s hardly the waitress’s business - it was thoroughly inappropriate IMO.
I probably wouldn’t actually do it, but I’d def. feel like having a word with the management.
She might have been under the impression that it showed a ‘caring’ attitude, and if so, she needs to be firmly put straight.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 19/12/2020 08:32

Yes, I thought the waitress sounded concerned.

stovetopespresso · 19/12/2020 08:33

yeah, headline is "random waitress behaves weird". move on if you can (might help if dh boosted your morale more though!)

ReindeerAntlerLights · 19/12/2020 08:36

I think she was rude. There are ways to ask if someone is tired without being rude about it. You could ask, has everyone had a good day so far? That way you include everyone, not single out one person. I have been a waitress I would never comment about someone's appearance.

I would mention it to the manager, her persistence at asking you if you were tired.

Original poster
Cheeseandcoffee · 19/12/2020 08:39

@bluebluezoo

Sound like she made a comment without thinking, then tried to dig herself out of it.

I do see time and time again on make up threads here though where women seem to associate no make up with looking “tired”.

Was she young? For many young ‘uns they wouldn’t dream of going out with a full face.

I’d say she was around 30 so assume she know that’s a rude thing to keep saying . She clearly knew I was safe I have zero question in my mind that she felt that I was unsafe at all . She was jovial and smiling not the way one would behave if truly concerned as she said it if that adds any context I don’t know
OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeseandcoffee · 19/12/2020 08:41

If she was concerned I would have though my stepdad who had just had back surgery and needed help and cane might have drawn her attention rather than her assessment of my appearance . It just seems odd that as the only female she singled me out .

OP posts:
Sally872 · 19/12/2020 08:41

She was rude. Says more about her than you. Try to let it go for your own benefit, it is a waste of your headspace thinking about it.

WiseOwlWan · 19/12/2020 08:42

@Cheeseandcoffee if this restaurant was an out of the way location and he chose it and wanted to go there, I would assume that he was checking out where she worked or she was checking out his wife.

There's not enough information here to know if anything is going on between them, but maybe there was something, maybe her ''you look tired'' was her saying ''you're older than I am and I'm going to win this one'' but you don't know what the competition is. You didn't enter it. You don't know who the other contestants are. Or what is the prize.

I will be told I'm reading too much in to it. But to tell a customer over and over again that they look tired is so inappropriate. The waitress would know that.

CeibaTree · 19/12/2020 08:43

Sounds like she mistook you for someone she had concerns about. Honestly I wouldn't give her another thought. Your husband wasn't particularly supportive though, what's that all about? I'd be more bothered about him if I were you!

WiseOwlWan · 19/12/2020 08:44

Was this restaurant an obvious choice, nearby, well-known?

Or was it a bit of a random suggestion made by your husband?

Does he admit to knowing her from somewhere?

RainbowRaine · 19/12/2020 08:45

If she's saying you looked tired, she might of been concerned that you had been drugged and was giving you an opportunity to say that actually you felt a bit ill and then I am assuming she would of called the police or at least got you to the bathroom to check if your were alright and not their against your will.

Original poster
Cheeseandcoffee · 19/12/2020 08:46

@AnneLovesGilbert

She shouldn’t have gone on at you and made you so uncomfortable and your DH shouldn’t have undermined you. Did the night improve?

I was walking past a building site nearby with my toddler a couple of days ago, feeling pretty bright and bushy tailed, I’d put some lipstick on and we were off for a nice walk, when one of the builders passed me and said unprompted “god, you look exhausted” Hmm and I gave him a sarcastic “thanks”. It was said with horror, not concern, he was clearly an arse.

What a jerk . I’m glad you stood up for yourself . I think that’s why I’m annoyed with myself cause I feel I let her just keep saying it and wasn’t assertive enough And no the night didn’t get much better unfortunately cause my husband just thought I was being silly even noticing ... but asking three times and singling me out did make me uncomfortable
OP posts:
Labobo · 19/12/2020 08:49

@WiseOwlWan - women can be menopausal, vulnerable and trafficked. I see them all the time, begging in London on their knees, slaves to gangs.

ladyvimes · 19/12/2020 08:51

Meh, I honestly don’t think this would really bother me. Some people have no filter. I probably would have challenged her on it if it had upset me, otherwise just forget about it.

queenofknives · 19/12/2020 08:52

She sounds like a total psycho. She saw you having fun with your partner and friends and thought, fuck her, so made a nasty comment in the hopes of spoiling your fun and getting you to feel bad about yourself. I would be more worried that your partner thought she was being nice and suggested going back there!

doublehalo · 19/12/2020 08:52

@Febo24

Given that you mention you're with 3 men, is it possible she was concerned for your wellbeing? Just a thought really. Obviously I know a woman can go out 3 men by the way. But you get what I'm saying, she might have gotten three wrong end of the stick and was trying to give you an opportunity.

Otherwise, it sounds really quite off the wall and I'd do my best to dismiss it.

^ This.
Oblomov20 · 19/12/2020 08:52

Very odd. Totally unacceptable. Is she trying to imply you've got covid?

MLMbotsgoaway · 19/12/2020 08:52

I love Mumsnet - anything can be turned into an affair. Op I reckon she was trying to tell you something but god knows what. Or she has very poor social skills.

Original poster
Cheeseandcoffee · 19/12/2020 08:53

It’s in a seaside town in another state wo no way he knows her ,the crime rate is so low I. This town they literally don’t even have a police station . There were many other configurations in this place some with one or two women with more men . Absolutely I do t believe she was worried about safety .
I think those who are saying best to let it go as I’ll never know are right . I just wondered if anyone else might have known what she was getting at or why she would want to say something nasty to some woman she didn’t know . I honestly believe it was her intention. To single me out and upset me and make me feel self conscious otherwise why smirk and smile while saying it why keep going and why target me , and yes I was silly enough to let it bother me but I wondered if anyone would understand the mentality behind it
I will try and let it go it is silly to let it annoy me I know

OP posts:
Febo24 · 19/12/2020 08:54

Slightly off topic, but modern slavery exists in plain sight, in every town and village, and thrives on assumptions that it's not happening before our very eyes.

For the sake of argument, she may have just had training and was feeling hyper vigilant.

Who knows! But def time to move on.

oakleaffy · 19/12/2020 08:58

@Febo24

Given that you mention you're with 3 men, is it possible she was concerned for your wellbeing? Just a thought really. Obviously I know a woman can go out 3 men by the way. But you get what I'm saying, she might have gotten three wrong end of the stick and was trying to give you an opportunity.

Otherwise, it sounds really quite off the wall and I'd do my best to dismiss it.

What??

A bizarre thing to say.

Implying she a sex trafficked worker?!?

suggestionsplease1 · 19/12/2020 08:58

She might just not have the best social skills.

I sometimes work with people with ASD and a couple of them would say this exact sort of thing to me without giving it another thought.

Not generalising of course as I totally agree with 'when you've met one person with ASD you've met one person with ASD'...but again I wouldn't be at all surprised by a comment on my personal appearance.

TheClitterati · 19/12/2020 09:00

So strange. My first thought was that she is shagging your H and was playing a silly "game" with him at your expense.

But if that's not possible I'd say she's just a rubbish waitress and rude too. Some people love this faux concern way of communicating. They think it makes them caring 🙀

Swipe left for the next trending thread