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Original poster

Why would a waitress say this

119 replies

Cheeseandcoffee · 19/12/2020 07:52

Ok so my partner myself and two other male relatives were at a restaurant ( I live I an area this is permissible )
The waitress whilst taking our orders in my opinion was really rude . She asked for our drink order then looked directly at me and said ‘are you tired?’ When I said no I’m not she said ‘are you sure you look really tired ‘. I said I’m sure , trying to end it there . She pressed again saying ‘oh it’s just that I thought you must have had a really hard day cause you look so tired .’
I ignored her at that point t and looked away at which point she left to get the drinks , but I have to say I felt really horrible and self conscious the whole rest of the night
My husband thinks I’m being over the top and sensitive and that she was just being ‘concerned ‘ and caring . I told him it’s her job to serve us not worry about my health
Why on earth would she do this , single me out . She didn’t do this to any of the men . I wasn’t wearing any makeup and was dressed just in smart casual . It’s a beachside town so we all were dressed that way . I probably do look that way as I’m no spring chicken and maybe she felt I needed to make more effort . Im finding myself feeling a little paranoid that as I reach menopause age I really must be looking tired . I and look after my skin as best I can and don’t have other people saying this but maybe they are just being polite
Anyway is my husband right am I being too sensitive and why would she do this . Is it common / normal and I don’t get out enough lol

OP posts:

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 19/12/2020 11:34

@Febo24

Given that you mention you're with 3 men, is it possible she was concerned for your wellbeing? Just a thought really. Obviously I know a woman can go out 3 men by the way. But you get what I'm saying, she might have gotten three wrong end of the stick and was trying to give you an opportunity.

Otherwise, it sounds really quite off the wall and I'd do my best to dismiss it.

Yes.

Probably not but I wondered if this was an 'Ask for Angela' bar or restaurant but that wouldn't have been a good way to signal that you could if you needed it.

www.met.police.uk/askforangela

Original poster

Cheeseandcoffee · 19/12/2020 11:43

Not an askfirsngela . I’m in aus . Plus she could have asked me when she walked past me going to the bathrooms on which was well out of sight of the table . She walked past and said nothing
There was no concern for my safety from her I’m certain

OP posts:

Cheeseandwin5 · 19/12/2020 12:19

On the face of it I would also agree that she was being rude, but it just makes no sensse.

A part of her income will be from tips, so such comments will only negatively effect her.
Also if you did make a stink, she could lose her job and in these uncertain times the hospitality industry is already in the hole and she could find herself jobless for some time.

I would go back and have a word with her. You are not powerless and dont have to let it ride if you dont want to.

MilerVino · 19/12/2020 12:44

@CherryValanc

I think I need to be relieved from my nativity. What danger is a woman having dinner with three men at?

Other than being insulted by a waitress and patronised for not liking it?

She's not in danger in the restaurant. The problem is the possible set up. It might be that she's being pimped out and that the meeting in the restaurant is with potential clients. In that case, talking to her whilst in the restaurant might be a chance to help her. It might be one of few times she's allowed out in public. Of course most of the time women with men in restaurants are absolutely fine. Just occasionally they aren't.

None of this applies to the OP's situation though.

LilyWater · 19/12/2020 12:46

One thing I thought of was whether you have a 'resting bitch face' (I have one myself!) and she mistakenly thought you were shooting glares at her, so the persistent 'tired' question was her way of asking what your problem is and to stop glaring, without directly saying it to you since she's a member of staff.

The other reason could be her suspecting you have Covid because of the way you may have looked in that moment and she's concerned about her own health (there are many young people who fall into the Covid vulnerable group) or concern for a relative's health she may pass it onto, since she'll have to be in close contact with you while taking orders etc. and none of you are wearing masks.

soont · 19/12/2020 13:51

I know you've stated that there's no way the waitress could have known any of you @Cheeseandcoffee, and I know it sounds far-fetched, but could there be the slightest chance that she does know you or your husband? I'm just asking because one of the rudest and most random incidents of a woman I didn't know treating me with contempt turned out to be having a 'thing' with my husband, although I only found out seven years after the event and then had the 'aha!' moment.

seensome · 19/12/2020 14:02

I think somehow you offended her without realising, who knows what it was a simple, glance the wrong way not acknowledging her but she is very unprofessional and not her place to say such things to a customer.
I would write a review on the restaurant marking down the customer service.

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 19/12/2020 14:13

Maybe, you just looked tired!!
Cheeky cow though!

Pipandmum · 19/12/2020 14:23

What code could it have been? And what could she say in response? 'Oh yes I'm exhausted I need to go lie down somewhere thanks for rescuing me'.
Unfortunately this comment is said a lot, but the waitress was unusually persistent. For me It's usually supermarket check out staff who say things like: 'you look like you've had a long day' when actually I feel pretty good. I'm 58 though, and yes tend not to wear makeup to the store.
At her second question I would have got a bit short with her - or maybe just given her a hard look.

MaelyssQ · 19/12/2020 15:36

I initially thought it was some kind of code for 'do you need help?' but maybe she simply thought you did look tired, and was offering sympathy in a very cackhanded way. I

worked as a waitress when I was a student, and was always complimentary to my customers, obviously in the hope of getting a tip. I would never have made a negative comment about anyone's appearance.

CharityDingle · 19/12/2020 19:11

It's never helpful to tell someone they look tired. If it's a friend or family member, it can still be phrased better, or simply by offering help at a task, if you are genuinely concerned that they are tired.

I'm of the 'if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing' school of thought. So, that would be her tip gone if she said something like that. I wouldn't overthink it, OP. It was rude.

PornStarQuarantini · 19/12/2020 19:14

Why have you posted in relationships op? Do you suspect she knows your DH? And was undermining you? It sounds a very odd thing to say to a total stranger.

madcatladyforever · 19/12/2020 20:29

I'd have said to her can you mind you own business please pretty sharply. She over stepped the line there.

Original poster

Cheeseandcoffee · 19/12/2020 20:30

@PornStarQuarantini

Why have you posted in relationships op? Do you suspect she knows your DH? And was undermining you? It sounds a very odd thing to say to a total stranger.

I posted here because my husband and I had been debating this and he was issuing I was too sensitive . It did feel exactly like she was undermining me but I have no idea why . She could see clearly I was safe happy and I don’t feel I looked unwell... just a strange woman I guess

OP posts:

blisstwins · 19/12/2020 20:38

@Febo24

Otherwise, it sounds really quite off the wall and I'd do my best to dismiss it.

There has been a lot more attention and training around these issues so maybe she really was trying to do a welfare check of sorts. Don’t give this any headspace. I am sure you look beautiful. Makeup is really no thing.

smismas · 19/12/2020 20:39

How odd!

I always look tired, have done since I was a child. Sadly I've inherited permanent dark circles/ eye bags from my Mums side of the family. (Nowadays I actually feel tired much of the time too but that's irrelevant.) Wouldn't be pleased with a stranger commenting on it though!

BadLad · 20/12/2020 01:38

@CockleburIck

I think the waitress was trying to communicate SOMETHING. But what. And why

I agree that it occurred to me that she was concerned for you.
Not necessarily that she thought you were in immediate danger from the men you were with, but that, as a woman amongst men, you were perhaps being called upon to do all work, Christmas prep, present buying, cooking etc. and she was giving you an opportunity to express that to her so she could sympathise, and the men would realise your situation without your having to moan about it to them.

Maybe. Probably a bit of a reach.

This is brilliantly bonkers.

Onthedunes · 20/12/2020 02:16

You bumped into a bitch.

Shes blowing your candle out to make hers burn brighter....
Some women do this in front of men.

Just jealousy as you had male company.
Weird.

LisaLee333 · 20/12/2020 15:06

@Onthedunes

You bumped into a bitch.

Shes blowing your candle out to make hers burn brighter....
Some women do this in front of men.

Just jealousy as you had male company.
Weird.

Yeah this. I have encountered a few women like this. When I was in my 20s, (and frankly, quite attractive, and used to turn a few mens heads,) a colleague of mine at the time, was bitterly jealous of me.

She made disparaging remarks quite often at work - about the quality of my work, and me being 'late' in to work. (I wasn't late, I was 3 minutes early, but still the last in,) and other bitchy comments.

I went out for a meal one time (a works do,) with 10 others including her (I will call her Karen!)

Karen commented FIVE TIMES in about an hour, about how much I was eating, how I had 'hoovered up the main course like 20 foot dyson,' and how she was 'shocked any human female could put that much food away,' and how I'll be a fat bloater by the age of thirty if I carry on like that' and how I should be careful, as she had noticed my face getting a bit podgy just lately. (I wasn't eating any more than anyone else, and was not getting a podgy face!)

I was getting more and more exasperated by the minute, but said nothing as she was the office cunt bitch and was above me in rank., and frankly, I was afraid to speak up.

Everyone was ignoring her, until the 5th comment (as I say, in about an hour.) After the 5th comment, my colleague (I will call him Steve,) who sat near me at work, said 'Jesus Karen, why are you so obsessed with what Lisa is eating? Give it a rest will ya? You've always got something negative to say about her. Let it go for for God's sake!'

Well she glared, and fired evil looks - at me obviously. I felt so uncomfortable, that about ten minutes later, I made my excuses, and left (after paying my share of the bill.) Steve came with me, and we got a taxi to our individual homes (2 miles apart.)

Karen then constantly gunned for me at work, wouldn't leave me alone, and decided to start a rumour that we were shagging.

Everyone knew we weren't and were just work colleagues who got on well, and they ignored her, but still, it was a nasty rumour to start. Luckily, me and Steve, and Steve's girlfriend, and my DH all knew each other, and knew she was full of shit.

Horrible cow left about 4 months later, and I never found out why. She just never came in again! Found out a few weeks later, that she now worked for a company a mile away. Several months in, I heard that she was being a vile jealous cow to another young, attractive 20-something women there.

Horrible, vile bitch. So jealous of every attractive young woman who got attention from men, just because she didn't.

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