Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Why would a waitress say this

119 replies

Cheeseandcoffee · 19/12/2020 07:52

Ok so my partner myself and two other male relatives were at a restaurant ( I live I an area this is permissible )
The waitress whilst taking our orders in my opinion was really rude . She asked for our drink order then looked directly at me and said ‘are you tired?’ When I said no I’m not she said ‘are you sure you look really tired ‘. I said I’m sure , trying to end it there . She pressed again saying ‘oh it’s just that I thought you must have had a really hard day cause you look so tired .’
I ignored her at that point t and looked away at which point she left to get the drinks , but I have to say I felt really horrible and self conscious the whole rest of the night
My husband thinks I’m being over the top and sensitive and that she was just being ‘concerned ‘ and caring . I told him it’s her job to serve us not worry about my health
Why on earth would she do this , single me out . She didn’t do this to any of the men . I wasn’t wearing any makeup and was dressed just in smart casual . It’s a beachside town so we all were dressed that way . I probably do look that way as I’m no spring chicken and maybe she felt I needed to make more effort . Im finding myself feeling a little paranoid that as I reach menopause age I really must be looking tired . I and look after my skin as best I can and don’t have other people saying this but maybe they are just being polite
Anyway is my husband right am I being too sensitive and why would she do this . Is it common / normal and I don’t get out enough lol

OP posts:

IdblowJonSnow · 19/12/2020 09:03

Maybe shes had experience of vulnerable women and so now is generally cautious?

You'll never know what was behind it, but if only one person has said you look tired then no need to worry.

oakleaffy · 19/12/2020 09:04

@Cheeseandcoffee
My stepmum was often told ''You look tired!'' by her mother.

It used to drive mum -and dad- mad.

Mum was a beautiful looking woman , and Dad said ''Her mother does it to undermine her''

Every bloody time her mother came round , fake concern and
'' You look tired!''

One can normally tell if someone is at ease with their fellow diners, or not.
I think she was trying to undermine you.

Sally872 · 19/12/2020 09:07

You say you are sure she wasn't concerned
So she was being rude. What else do you need to know? You will never know why she is rude. Maybe she doesn't realise, maybe she is a horrible person, maybe she has a hard life and feels superior putting others down. Whatever the reason it doesn't matter. Shs was rude, don't let it make you feel insecure or bad about yourself.

WiseOwlWan · 19/12/2020 09:07

So your husband took you all to a restaurant one state away?

I think their paths have crossed somewhere and they were playing some stupid game

queenofknives · 19/12/2020 09:09

why smirk and smile while saying it why keep going and why target me

She's a psycho, OP. Some people get their fun by being horrible and manipulating others. They can also be quite good at guessing your insecurities and honing in on your vulnerabilities. There's no mystery.

People saying that she was concerned for your safety or thought you were a trafficked sex slave are really reaching! Why would she ask if you were tired - how would that allow you to signal your need for help or her to show she was offering it? What a load of nonsense! The woman is a narcissist/sociopath or just a nasty person who had some fun at OP's expense.

CockleburIck · 19/12/2020 09:11

I think the waitress was trying to communicate SOMETHING. But what. And why

I agree that it occurred to me that she was concerned for you.
Not necessarily that she thought you were in immediate danger from the men you were with, but that, as a woman amongst men, you were perhaps being called upon to do all work, Christmas prep, present buying, cooking etc. and she was giving you an opportunity to express that to her so she could sympathise, and the men would realise your situation without your having to moan about it to them.

Maybe. Probably a bit of a reach.

DBML · 19/12/2020 09:11

I spend much of my time in America and find people there far more direct than here.

I have a yellowish undertone to my skin and tan nicely, but I also occasionally suffer with rosacea on my upper chest and sometimes neck. I can get pretty self conscious about it.

We when to a restaurant in Florida and the waitress kept saying ‘you need to be putting your sunscreen on, you’re so burned’ and ‘you look sore, that’s going to hurt’. Every time she came to the table my redness was commented on and it was humiliating.

Despite being polite for as long as possible, in the end I had to say ‘it’s fucking rosacea and it’s often this colour, but thanks for drawing everyone’s attention to it’. Perhaps not my best moment, but I do find some serving staff quite incessant. Not the first time it’s happened and not the last.

Same in Disney Springs once, in the pin trading shop. The cast member working there made a beeline over to me at the start of our vacation, to tell me that Brits don’t know how to tan and we let ourselves get all burned and I need to go and have an ice cold shower to calm the burn on my chest.

Sometimes I wish people would just keep what they thing to themselves.

SynchroSwimmer · 19/12/2020 09:15

My first thought is that she might have thought you were there under duress and she was giving you a means of safe escape - looking out for you...?

RugsEverywhere · 19/12/2020 09:17

I assumed it was because of the 3 men. But more in a putting you in your place kind of way. 'Who's she to be going around getting all that attention, she's not even very pretty, in fact she looks tired, really really tired...'

draughtycatflap · 19/12/2020 09:27

She was either dumb as fuck or trying to upset you. As for the sex trafficking thing, everyone knows the signal is to spell out ‘Help’ with the spoons.

Febo24 · 19/12/2020 09:30

I didn't say sex trafficked worker, I said concerned.

But tell me, what does a sex trafficked worker looks like?

My other comment was referenced to how other posters were prepared to dismiss modern slavery/ trafficking on the basis of the woman's age and the location. It happens everywhere to people from all walks of life.

RantyAnty · 19/12/2020 09:32

Being a woman is fucking exhausting at times.

SimonJT · 19/12/2020 09:33

Shes either incredibly rude, or has low self esteem so boosts her own by being unkind to others.

Do people genuinely think a waitress would ‘help’ a customer by being rude and insulting them three times? What the waitress did is inform a customer that not only are they choosing to act in an unpleasant manner but on top of that they aren’t a helpful person.

Febo24 · 19/12/2020 09:34

I'm quite entertained by the idea of this lady going about her Saturday morning, oblivious to the fact we're all here analysing her.

queenofknives · 19/12/2020 09:37

I love the idea that people think a woman sitting with male friends must be in some kind of danger, and that the way to help her is to repeatedly make disparaging comments about her appearance.

Original poster

Cheeseandcoffee · 19/12/2020 09:37

@Febo24

I didn't say sex trafficked worker, I said concerned.

But tell me, what does a sex trafficked worker looks like?

Yes I agree sexy trafficking can happen to anyone at any age . I just didn’t believe she was concerned about that in my particular case . The was I was with my husband , me referring to my dad who was very frail and the other male being my brother who looks very very similar to me ( obvious we are related ) also her smug attitude , the genera feel of the twin low crime rate and the whole scenario Certainly not dismissing that trafficking can happen . I just don’t believe it was genuine concern @sally872 yes you’re right she was being rude and I was certain that was the case to begin . I was just curious if anyone would understand the motives for someone to do this . I’m not a person who could imagine ever being so nasty so it’s hard to understand

OP posts:

Original poster

Cheeseandcoffee · 19/12/2020 09:40

Also of she though I was in danger , she saw me leave and go to the bathroom alone and didn’t express any concern just walked straight by lol

OP posts:

MilerVino · 19/12/2020 09:41

Sorry what???? A woman with 3 men having dinner is unsafe???? That is crazy.

That's more than a little naive.

My first thought was she may have been worried about covid. But maybe she was bored on shift and just decided to be nasty. It says a lot about her and nothing about you OP. On occasions like these, I like the expression 'don't let them live rent-free in your head'.

hadesinahalfahell · 19/12/2020 09:44

I was a really, really bad waitress when I was 15 years old. And also had ADHD. And even 15 year old me would have known that comments like that weren't appropriate. There is no way that she asked you repeatedly if you were tired because she lacks social skills or because she was worried about your safety. She was just being a bitch for the sake of it.

Iwonder08 · 19/12/2020 09:44

OP, the waiter just a stupid girl, whatever were her reasons to repeatedly tell you you look tired. It is none of her business and it is very unprofessional to mention it to a client even once. It is completely irrelevant that you were with 3 men and I completely disagree with people assuming she did it out of concerns for OP's wellbeing.
Your DH should have been more supportive though.

TrousersTea · 19/12/2020 09:47

OP not sure if this has already been suggested as I’ve not read the whole thread, but could she have been checking about Covid? I’ve been asked if I’m feeling ok if I’ve so much as sniffed! You may not have recalled coughing or sniffing or even looking unwell...just not laughing along with the group at a point she happened to notice, for instance. People are crazy about Covid.

Otherwise, I’d say that women not wearing make up look tired even when they’re not, as it’s less common for women to go out without it than to wear it. She may genuinely have thought you were feeling unwell. I know that’s not what you want to hear but sadly this is true for most women as the expectation for a healthy look is dark eyes, rosy cheeks and general colour to the face. In any case I think it’s covid related and the more striking idea of tiredness on a woman compared with a man who are rarely seen in make up.

MilerVino · 19/12/2020 09:54

I’d say that women not wearing make up look tired even when they’re not, as it’s less common for women to go out without it than to wear it. She may genuinely have thought you were feeling unwell. I know that’s not what you want to hear but sadly this is true for most women as the expectation for a healthy look is dark eyes, rosy cheeks and general colour to the face.

Is it bollocks. What on earth are 'dark eyes'. I wear make-up once a year if that. The only time people comment on me looking tired is when I'm actually sleep deprived and tired. I do quite often have rosy cheeks but that's from running.

Jesus. Do we really live in a world wear we just expect women to wear make-up and think they look ill if they don't? I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

InTheDrunkTank · 19/12/2020 09:54

Bloody hell what a weird thing for her to say. It might be acceptable if a close friend asked out of concern but even if you were tired and you'd had a horrible day you're hardly going to want to discuss it with a random waitress.

TrousersTea · 19/12/2020 09:57

@MilerVino I’m not saying it’s right but unfortunately it is true. That’s the general view - lots of women do wear make up and therefore those that don’t can look tired in comparison. With everyone so extremely worried about covid, it could well be her picking at that thread as she was worried for herself.

Georgyporky · 19/12/2020 09:58

Are you in U.S.A. ?
I've had some very strange things said to me by American waiting staff, but I just ignored them.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread