My husbands sleep apnea is ruining our relationship

[CoffeeCreamandSugar]

Hello All,

I am so bloody tired. I’m sorry I think this is going to be a rant. I’m not even sure I’m posting in the right place. For the eight years my husband and I have been together he’s snored like a fog horn. He also jerked and stopped breathing regularly then jolted awake. Add in two children and sleep has become a precious commodity.

About a year ago (possibly a bit more) I convinced him finally to go to the GP and he had a load of sleep tests and it turns out it’s sleep apnea (I told him this years ago but he wouldn’t go).

The nurse said she’d never had anyone snore as loudly as him in fact!

He has now had his machine for over half a year. He has the full face mask which goes over his nose and mouth. He still can’t wear it for more than three hours and he usually takes it off after an hour. I think one night he managed four hours but that was a complete fluke and hasn’t happened since.

This week has been the crappest week sleep wise for me. I’ve been falling asleep at about 4pm for an hour or so because I can’t cope. I have fibromyalgia and I hurt.

Monday he didn’t wear it. I forget why.

Tuesday he had cramp in his knee and fidgeted all night. I ended up on the sofa.

Wednesday he somehow managed to start choking with the mask on not even an hour after he put it on... I’ve got no idea how this happened and it hasn’t happened before. I asked him to please go and sleep on the sofa but he asked me twice why sleepily. He then fell asleep. We had a row as I left the room to sleep on the sofa again because apparently he was going to put the mask back on... but what’s the point? He will only take it off again.

Tonight he said he would sleep on the sofa so I could have a good nights sleep except he has been up working late in the bedroom. Apparently he has a poorly stomach. When I went up at 1am to see what was going on he had fallen asleep in the bed after ‘resting’. Looks like I’m on the bloody sofa again. He’s probably forgotten he said he would sleep on the sofa. He is forgetful. Queue another little row as I left the room. Then a text saying “are you okay?”

No I’m bloody not okay but I feel like a broken record.

I don’t know what to do. I have asked him to email his sleep nurse if he is having issues with the mask. I have asked him to put it on when he is relaxing to get used to it. I am at my wits end and I feel like all I do is chase sleep and bicker with him about it.

Anyone else been there with a DP with sleep apnea?

We don’t have a spare room. I doubt we will be moving for quite a while either as tied in with mortgage so a spare room is not an option. I’m sorry to rant. I’m also sorry it’s so long.

^ I’ve posted here because I think it’s more about our relationship rather than the health issue. I know what he should do.. he just isn’t

Separate bedrooms.

And if he keeps on being a selfish twat, separate houses.

Do you have three bedrooms? If you do, I would have the children share a room so you can get proper sleep. You are going to implode soon. Is your husband overweight?

Absolutely separate bedrooms. Move people around, buy a Murphy bed, do whatever it takes.

Otherwise poke him every single time he wakes you until he's just as exhausted as you are.

They don’t have a spare room.

Sorry it must be awful.

I think there are a few options for you to improve your sleep but it sounds like you’re not ready to give up on getting your husband to take more initiative to improve things. Tbh I would work on finding a sleep solution first, once you’re better rested maybe you will be able to work out a better solution for your relationship.

I’d suggest either getting a decent sofa bed that you can either ask him to sleep on full time or you take it in turns. Or put a bed in your kids’ room for yourself if there’s space and they are young enough. I think the key is to be clear with him that the mask is not working and you’re not willing or able to share a bed with him any more.

Do you want to stay with him? You sound very unenthusiastic about him.

I’m guessing he is overweight. What is he doing to remedy this? He needs to sleep on the sofa, not you.

Bunk beds in one of the children’s rooms and get in there, not great but a temp solution

Separate rooms or take turns on the sofa?

Dh and I sleep separately. He snores and I have insomnia and although he doesn't snore really loud, I could hear it through earplugs and it would drive me crazy laid there listening to it until 3/4/5 am and he'd then wake me getting up for his work at 6 am. He also has restless legs which I know he can't help but when your laid trying to relax and sleep and you're being kicked.

As I've gotten older I've developed painful chronic health conditions myself and the few times we do sleep in the same bed it's me disrupting him when I'm in pain during the night and tossing and turning.

People used to think we were weird in our early 20s sleeping separately and would say well end up splitting because they wrongly assume not sleeping in the same bed must mean no sex or intimacy. We've been together 20 years.

I think I sound unenthusiastic because I just feel very worn down. He tells me he cares but I’m starting to question that because of his actions with this. I am so tearful and down. I don’t feel I have any energy to give. Just in a kind of survival mode.

He is overweight. We are both overweight and we really must do something about it. I just don’t have any energy to, and he says he doesn’t either which I do believe.

We do have three bedrooms but my daughter is 7 and if I put her with her brother it will probably be WW3 as she’s like me and likes her own space.

I think you’re right. I think I have to forget trying to get DH to take more initiative because for whatever reason he can’t seem to right now.

So I will try to fix what I can and that’s my own sleep and health. We’ve got a blow up mattress so I’ll put that in my sons room tomorrow for the mean time.

If I get some sleep I know I will feel more empathetic and have more patience. I really don’t run very well on little sleep. I’m far from perfect. But if I could get some more sleep that will reduce my pain level and then I can try and get fitter and healthier myself.

Thank you for all of your replies. I’m just so emotional tonight. It’s ridiculous.

I use the Bose sleepbuds but I don't know if they will be enough to cover up a really heavy snorer? But worth a try? I think you can send them back if they don't work for you?

I have sleep apnoea. Very severe and used to frighten DH before I was diagnosed because I stopped breathing for so long until he nudged me. He didn't sleep for years so I completely get what you are saying.

I have tried several varieties of mask over the years and some of them can be suffocating and uncomfortable. The one I find best is a nasal pillow which doesn't cover my mouth or nose, just goes up my nose with a soft silicone. Could your DH go back to his consultant and ask for a couple of different mask types to try, to see which one suits best? Hospitals have lots of styles, they offer a standard one at first based on whether someone is a nose or a mouth breather primarily and to monitor compliance - if the patient isn't going to use the mask, there is little point in giving a more expensive model. Compliance with cpap is poor generally. They anticipate that using it 3 times a week for a few hours is acceptable so if your DH uses his every night even if for a short time, they will see he is attempting therapy.

Hope you find this useful!

These here

@FanSpamTastic

I use the Bose sleepbuds but I don't know if they will be enough to cover up a really heavy snorer? But worth a try? I think you can send them back if they don't work for you?

I’ve tried them. Can still hear him through it and can’t hear the children if they need me. I’ve also tried sleep headphones and that works somewhat too but can hear him through that.

I feel for you - it's just enough to cover up my snorer but I was ready to move out before I got them! I can still hear him sometimes.

@VienneseWhirligig

I have sleep apnoea. Very severe and used to frighten DH before I was diagnosed because I stopped breathing for so long until he nudged me. He didn't sleep for years so I completely get what you are saying.

I have tried several varieties of mask over the years and some of them can be suffocating and uncomfortable. The one I find best is a nasal pillow which doesn't cover my mouth or nose, just goes up my nose with a soft silicone. Could your DH go back to his consultant and ask for a couple of different mask types to try, to see which one suits best? Hospitals have lots of styles, they offer a standard one at first based on whether someone is a nose or a mouth breather primarily and to monitor compliance - if the patient isn't going to use the mask, there is little point in giving a more expensive model. Compliance with cpap is poor generally. They anticipate that using it 3 times a week for a few hours is acceptable so if your DH uses his every night even if for a short time, they will see he is attempting therapy.

Hope you find this useful!

Thank you.

I think he is scared of the mask. I can see that it’s large and possibly feels suffocating. I have asked him to ask the lady who does the clinic and he said he had but she said there wasn’t another type. I will get him to ask again. I don’t even mind buying another one from resmed if we have to. I will tell him what you’ve said. Maybe it will reassure him. He does try to use it mostly, it’s just that it doesn’t stay on that long.

Everything you said was really useful thank you.

Get a sofa bed for the living room and make him sleep there every night. That's what we do, as my dh snores really badly and like, I can't function on very little sleep. Good luck. I know how irritable it can make you!

He is overweight. We are both overweight and we really must do something about it. I just don’t have any energy to, and he says he doesn’t either which I do believe.

The only thing you need to do is not eat more than your body needs, and you don't need extra energy to accomplish that. Your husband is on a fast track to a heart attack, and your children need you both to be healthy. Your husband's SA might be cured if he loses weight, and at the very least it will probably be greatly improved. I know losing weight is a challenge, but I would make it priority one, and you can support each other. Every aspect of your life depends on it.

My dh has sleep apnoea and uses the full face mask. I have slept better since he has had it because it prevents him snoring. It does make him thirsty though as it forces air down his throat. He wakes up at least twice a night for a drink but easily falls back to sleep. You can get things that blow air up nose instead of down throat. He should ask to try one of those. Also I know a couple of people who use s mask but also have s muscle relaxant which makes wearing mask easier. I used to.dlerp in spare room when snoring meant I got no sleep night after night but since he wears mask and snoring stopped I have moved back into our room again. Could you get as single bed and share with dd until your DH gets himself sorted with new mask? Also he could ask to have a lower air pressure like my dh did.

I suffer from sleep apnea and was provided with a cpap machine two weeks ago. This was after 20 years of being treated unsuccessfully for 'insomnia'. It was a life changer for me and my husband. I am now getting sleep and it is quality sleep, and my dh no longer has to suffer my snoring.

My cpap machine and I got on perfectly from the first night which is quite unusual. I now look forward to going to bed after years of sleep deprivation so I do understand how you feel to be without your sleep. Quite apart from the frustration you must feel knowing that this issue can be sorted.

Most people need adjustment to their mask. First of all, has he the straps secured tight enough otherwise he will have air leaks. When he is actually wearing it does it ever sound like there is air escaping. He may need a slightly different style of mask. does his machine have an automatic pressure setting that adjusts the air pressure to what he needs. For example mine starts at 4 but in the morning the data shows that the pressure settled at around 9. Some machines aren't automatic.

You are correct that he needs to speak with his Sleep Nurse. She will be able to help him (or have the machine provider visit) to try a different mask if necessary. So, the mask can be sorted if necessary, also the machine settings can be adjusted if necessary. There is no way the Sleep Nurse would want him to be struggling. I have read on cpap discussion board forums how it often takes a few weeks for some people to get used to having a mask on their face.

All of the means your dh needs to phone his Nurse.
And if he won't do this then I'd be ringing on his behalf regardless of what he says. I'd tell her the story and reach him the phone. Or she could ring him direct to discuss it - hopefully when you would be present. I'd definitely be ringing the nurse to make sure she knew exactly what was happening. The whole truth.

Eventually they will want the machine data card to see how he is doing but why wait. It may take several attempts to get the nurse but I'd be onto it tomorrow.

Also, sleep apnea is a very serious condition and it needs to be treated. And you deserve your sleep.
This can be sorted but you and your dh need the help starting with the sleep nurse.
Good luck....get on the ball first thing. Don't hold back, tell her this is affecting your relationship and you need help.

After years of snoring and feeling extremely tired I was diagnosed with SA a year ago. I was given a CPAP machine to use at home. At first I could barely use it for an hour to three hours but found that this still left me feeling somewhat tired during the day. One day I just decided that I was going to wear the mask through the night come what may. Since then I have been wearing the mask religiously through the night for a good seven/eight hours. Of course there are the odd nights where I may have a cold or a slight sniffle when I find it difficult to wear it but I keep preserving because I know that it is for my own health.
I did have some choking issues in the beginning but would just have a sip of water as my throats was dry. And of course as other PPs have suggested loosing weight will really help.

@CoffeeCreamandSugar he could also buy a pillow with cut outs for the mask which will help with comfort in bed. I have this one and it does make a difference. I couldn't be without my mask now but it took ages to get used to it and to have the right style. If I don't use it (if I'm away with work for example and don't take it with me) I wake up with an awful headache so maybe that would help to convince him too - he will notice the difference once he is using it consistently.

Another one here saying he needs to talk to his nurse and find another solution. There are so many different types of mask out there i'm sure he'd find one he gets on with. i got to the point where i couldn't sleep WITHOUT my cpap. It's a game changer for everyone when it works correctly.

Look for a job working Nights so you can sleep during the day.,

You need sleep and you need to do whatever you can to get it. Sleep in the same room as your daughter. Sofa bed in the lounge. Do something.