My husbands sleep apnea is ruining our relationship

[CoffeeCreamandSugar]

Hello All,

I am so bloody tired. I’m sorry I think this is going to be a rant. I’m not even sure I’m posting in the right place. For the eight years my husband and I have been together he’s snored like a fog horn. He also jerked and stopped breathing regularly then jolted awake. Add in two children and sleep has become a precious commodity.

About a year ago (possibly a bit more) I convinced him finally to go to the GP and he had a load of sleep tests and it turns out it’s sleep apnea (I told him this years ago but he wouldn’t go).

The nurse said she’d never had anyone snore as loudly as him in fact!

He has now had his machine for over half a year. He has the full face mask which goes over his nose and mouth. He still can’t wear it for more than three hours and he usually takes it off after an hour. I think one night he managed four hours but that was a complete fluke and hasn’t happened since.

This week has been the crappest week sleep wise for me. I’ve been falling asleep at about 4pm for an hour or so because I can’t cope. I have fibromyalgia and I hurt.

Monday he didn’t wear it. I forget why.

Tuesday he had cramp in his knee and fidgeted all night. I ended up on the sofa.

Wednesday he somehow managed to start choking with the mask on not even an hour after he put it on... I’ve got no idea how this happened and it hasn’t happened before. I asked him to please go and sleep on the sofa but he asked me twice why sleepily. He then fell asleep. We had a row as I left the room to sleep on the sofa again because apparently he was going to put the mask back on... but what’s the point? He will only take it off again.

Tonight he said he would sleep on the sofa so I could have a good nights sleep except he has been up working late in the bedroom. Apparently he has a poorly stomach. When I went up at 1am to see what was going on he had fallen asleep in the bed after ‘resting’. Looks like I’m on the bloody sofa again. He’s probably forgotten he said he would sleep on the sofa. He is forgetful. Queue another little row as I left the room. Then a text saying “are you okay?”

No I’m bloody not okay but I feel like a broken record.

I don’t know what to do. I have asked him to email his sleep nurse if he is having issues with the mask. I have asked him to put it on when he is relaxing to get used to it. I am at my wits end and I feel like all I do is chase sleep and bicker with him about it.

Anyone else been there with a DP with sleep apnea?

We don’t have a spare room. I doubt we will be moving for quite a while either as tied in with mortgage so a spare room is not an option. I’m sorry to rant. I’m also sorry it’s so long.

I suppose sharing a room with your son for a little while is a workable solution in the short term but I wouldn’t recommend it long term.

I think instead it would be better to get yourself a good quality, well made sofa bed or day bed for the living room. You can take turns sleeping there for a week at a time, to allow each of you to have a proper good sleep in your own bed as well.

@MysteryMy

One final thought OP.

To me it looks like you are not prioritising your health :-

1. Weight/food
2. Your fibromyalgia (though I’m not sure what you can do here)
3. Lack of sleep

Your husband the same? (except, worse, his lack of self care is making your health suffer too).

What would happen if you got up tomorrow and asserted your need to take care of yourself e.g.

1. your body/weight etc
2. demanded what is necessary for you to have a good nights sleep in your own 3 bedroomed home? if necessary your own bedroom for your health?

(Maybe your DH would follow your example and start taking care of himself too eventually? It would be an interesting experiment, no?)

It just made me wonder as it looks to me like you are both letting health issues slide together almost ....

I think you’ve pretty much summed it up in a nutshell here. Thank you. We aren’t prioritising our health in the slightest.

I was on pain medication for the fibromyalgia but it didn’t change anything so after a year I came off it slowly. I was on amitriptiline and then Gabapentin. My thyroid levels are consistently out of range with blood tests but not high enough for my GP to want to anything yet except wait, watch and monitor. I’ve also had hypertension for thirteen years. I’m 34 now. Never found a cause for this and when I was diagnosed I was much, much slimmer. They’ve since run a load of hormonal tests again though so I’m happy that they are looking into it.

My husband is exactly the same yes. I get frustrated because we know the cause of his illness and if he could just get used to the mask I think he would feel much, much better.

What would happen if I asserted my needs? I’ve done that this evening. My husband had been very, very receptive and understanding.

When I lost a stone a few months ago my husband did try to loose weight himself but he wasn’t as committed. When he is stressed with work he eats a lot of chocolate.

Going forward if I focus on getting my health better I think he will follow. I just need to remember that I can only control what I do.

It will be an interesting experiment. I just need to find a more sustainable diet as I couldn’t keep the keto diet up.

Thank you again everyone. I am feeling much less depressed today.

I intent to buy a decent sofa bed in the new year when I will hopefully have some spare cash

Be careful because most sofa beds aren’t made for constant use. A futon style might be more durable, although I’m not sure.

@HollyandIvyandallthingsYule

Be careful because most sofa beds aren’t made for constant use. A futon style might be more durable, although I’m not sure.

Ahh I hadn’t thought of that thank you. I will have a good look

Or failing that try to get one from IKEA (if they do them) because I know their sofas are tested extremely rigorously and generally last very well.

Yes, second futon sofa beds! The Futon Company do some fab ones - some of them are really solid, strong and comfortable. It’s nearly “sale” time so maybe check out their website 🙂.

Agree about futon company, much more solid.

Good luck, good to hear you feel less depressed. You can only control yourself