My husbands sleep apnea is ruining our relationship

[CoffeeCreamandSugar]

Hello All,

I am so bloody tired. I’m sorry I think this is going to be a rant. I’m not even sure I’m posting in the right place. For the eight years my husband and I have been together he’s snored like a fog horn. He also jerked and stopped breathing regularly then jolted awake. Add in two children and sleep has become a precious commodity.

About a year ago (possibly a bit more) I convinced him finally to go to the GP and he had a load of sleep tests and it turns out it’s sleep apnea (I told him this years ago but he wouldn’t go).

The nurse said she’d never had anyone snore as loudly as him in fact!

He has now had his machine for over half a year. He has the full face mask which goes over his nose and mouth. He still can’t wear it for more than three hours and he usually takes it off after an hour. I think one night he managed four hours but that was a complete fluke and hasn’t happened since.

This week has been the crappest week sleep wise for me. I’ve been falling asleep at about 4pm for an hour or so because I can’t cope. I have fibromyalgia and I hurt.

Monday he didn’t wear it. I forget why.

Tuesday he had cramp in his knee and fidgeted all night. I ended up on the sofa.

Wednesday he somehow managed to start choking with the mask on not even an hour after he put it on... I’ve got no idea how this happened and it hasn’t happened before. I asked him to please go and sleep on the sofa but he asked me twice why sleepily. He then fell asleep. We had a row as I left the room to sleep on the sofa again because apparently he was going to put the mask back on... but what’s the point? He will only take it off again.

Tonight he said he would sleep on the sofa so I could have a good nights sleep except he has been up working late in the bedroom. Apparently he has a poorly stomach. When I went up at 1am to see what was going on he had fallen asleep in the bed after ‘resting’. Looks like I’m on the bloody sofa again. He’s probably forgotten he said he would sleep on the sofa. He is forgetful. Queue another little row as I left the room. Then a text saying “are you okay?”

No I’m bloody not okay but I feel like a broken record.

I don’t know what to do. I have asked him to email his sleep nurse if he is having issues with the mask. I have asked him to put it on when he is relaxing to get used to it. I am at my wits end and I feel like all I do is chase sleep and bicker with him about it.

Anyone else been there with a DP with sleep apnea?

We don’t have a spare room. I doubt we will be moving for quite a while either as tied in with mortgage so a spare room is not an option. I’m sorry to rant. I’m also sorry it’s so long.

I have sleep apnea and I use a mask that goes over my mouth but under my nose. I've been using it for over a year and it's fantastic. My boyfriend says it's very quiet and it doesn't bother him at all. I've had sleep apnea all my life but only diagnosed for 2 years. It isn't always caused by being overweight. I lost 4 stone and my snoring was still the same, that's when I initially went to my gp. I had a sleep study and it turns out my throat is very narrow which is causing my problems.
There are many types of different masks available. I had the full face one first, snd hated it, but like I say the mask I use now is fantastic. Your husband is probably feeling extremely tired too as he's not wearing his mask enough and constantly stopping breathing all night will be having a bad effect on him. Sleep apnea is horrible, but it is manageable. Best wishes

And it’s his responsibility to sort it out, not yours. 8 years! The selfishness is breathtaking, (especially since you are already sick with fibromyalgia). But I also find it breathtaking that youve put up it!

Sorry to rant a bit, but your original post made me feel angry on your behalf.

Once you get some proper rest and sleep, you can ask him civilly what he’s done to try and sort it out medically!!

@Likeariverthat yes. Kids are 5 and 7 and refuse to sleep with him. I’ve talked to my husband and we think he will go into the smallest room which is my sons and my son can come in with me. My son gets up in the night to come into our room anyway. Or I will move in with my son and sleep under his mid sleeper. I can’t decide what I’d prefer right now.

@Aprilx unfortunately we can’t move house. The mortgage has another three years to go and even then I don’t think we could quite afford it right now either.

@MysteryMy I do feel like my needs come last at the moment (with the people anyway). And you’re right I do feel like I’m getting sicker. It is his responsibility and we’ve talked a bit more about it and will talk more later. I don’t really know why I’ve put up with it. The kids never slept well when they were little (and my son still doesn’t sometimes) so I just ticked along. Then I thought it would get better with the Cpap. The funnest thing is that I tell people all the time that they need to put their basic needs first etc... so I preach but I don’t follow what I say myself. I’m going to work on this. You are 100% right. I don’t know why I put up with it.

@mike3 thank you. Ironically we have a gym membership that he’s never used. I’m going to insist he does and I will resume.

@littlebirdworrying I have managed to get through to him I think. He’s going to email the sleep consultant nurse about how difficult he’s finding it. He is using it and complying it just isn’t the right mask I don’t think. We are also going to loose weight.

Thank you everyone. I honestly don’t know how I’ve managed to put my needs at the bottom of the households. I can’t quite understand why this has happened.

I do love my husband. He can be caring and kind. I think he is just so sleep deprived too. I was at the end of my tether last night. I feel a bit better this morning. I do need to man up and make those changes. We can and will do it together... starting with my sleep. I’m off for a nap.

Thank you so much for the support. I really needed it (and a kick up the ass).

Could you get the attic converted to a bedroom at all?

Weight loss would definitely be the best solution in terms of dealing with the sleep apnea. It can't be easy sleeping with a mask on and it must be totally exhausting for yourself OP. Having lost a decent amount of weight myself over the last few months, I have found it has given me more energy so it's a kind of a positive cycle.

Sofabed for him.

You need your sleep to parent and to function.

I’m glad you are feeling better and are prioritising you’re own health.

A PP has already mentioned this but breathing through his nose, ideally all day every day, will help a lot. Mouth breathing is terrible for health and will increasing episodes of snoring and sleep apnea. Changing habits is hard at first but even just starting with ten minutes a day, or whenever you remember - cooking dinner, cleaning, folding clothes, working - will have a knock on effect.

Read Breathe by James Nestor. It’s an excellent book.

He needs a different mask desperately.

I swear the c-pap and proper mask saved my marriage.

I’m so sorry your husband is so selfish

I have severe sleep apnoea. I live alone luckily but my son says my snoring is disgusting when I come to visit.
I wear my mask all night because the consultant said I'd be monitored and if I was still not breathing in the night I'd have my driving license removed because I'd be a danger on the road.
If you score 15 on the Epworth sleep apnoea scale you automatically get your driving licence removed and the DVLA are informed.
Is he aware how dangerous his sleep apnoea is? If he has a prang and they find out he has it the DVLA will be informed.

My mum has the mask. It took her a year to get used to it. She still finds it suffocating at times. But it has transformed her health. He needs to persevere.

I have severe sleep apnea so understand the issue with the mask. It is hard to get used to. I use mine all night, every night regardless of how much it irritates me, because I'm not a dick. Sorry OP but I would have smothered him in his sleeep by now, the selfish dick.

My DH has very severe sleep apnoea and has been on CPAP for 14 years now. He has a lovely new Resmed auto bipap (bought on black Friday deals) which is silent, and uses the AirFit nasal pillows. It took him a while to find the right ones, but he has persevered throughout and uses his CPAP all night, every night because he knows how much his snoring disturbs me, and more than that that not treating OSA raises your risk of so many conditions and of dying much earlier than you should.
Your DH needs to pull his big boy pants up, take some responsibility for his health, and work with his nurse to find a mask that works for him and then stubbornly learn to wear it

Look into 'porting' your mortgage. Finances permitting, you can move house and take your mortgage with you. Just becuase you're locked into a mortgage deal, doesn't mean you can never move house.

I feel for you OP, I had an ex who snored like a wilderbeast and it was one of the major reasons he became an ex. I couldn't stand the thought of never getting a good nights sleep for the rest of my life.

You need separate bedrooms! Get him to sleep in your daughters room and she can share with you until he loses weight and sorts himself out.

As well as the snoring you also mention your husband jerking and jolting in the night. My husband does this and generally moves around a lot, and every time it would wake me up. We now have 2 single beds pushed together so his thrashing around no longer bothers me, we also have separate duvets as he used to pull the bedding off me in his sleep. I found this made a huge difference. And the inevitable earplugs! Now I sleep well unless he has a cold, or he's had a few drinks. HTH

3Bees that sounds like sleep apnoea to me. The jerking and jolting could be him starting to breathe again after a period of not breathing

I think you have 2 health problems here. I am a fibro sufferer also. You need to get your body into prime condition to help with the effects of fibro. Lose weight, which can be accomplished with both of you doing some daily exercise such as a long walk. Look at your diet. Lots of fresh vegetables and salads. Im surprised that neither of you have this information conveyed to you by the medical profession. Take control.

You are both exhausted but he needs to persevere with it for all your sakes. My DP has had apnea for years and the cpap was a game changer but it took a good 6 months of total commitment from him to get used to it. He wouldn't be without it now. Apnea is a serious illness and he needs to take it seriously. He will begin to lose some weight if he's less tired but you know all this. Glad he is speaking to the nurse again. In the meantime, he should sleep downstairs.

The jerking and jolting was definitely sleep apnea. When he uses his machine it doesn’t happen at all!

Air beds are not comfortable. Get a fold out bed. I have a lovely single one for sleeping in with my daughter. Make it a fun sleep over with your Dd.

One final thought OP.

To me it looks like you are not prioritising your health :-

1. Weight/food
2. Your fibromyalgia (though I’m not sure what you can do here)
3. Lack of sleep

Your husband the same? (except, worse, his lack of self care is making your health suffer too).

What would happen if you got up tomorrow and asserted your need to take care of yourself e.g.

1. your body/weight etc
2. demanded what is necessary for you to have a good nights sleep in your own 3 bedroomed home? if necessary your own bedroom for your health?

(Maybe your DH would follow your example and start taking care of himself too eventually? It would be an interesting experiment, no?)

It just made me wonder as it looks to me like you are both letting health issues slide together almost ....

My OH has sleep apnoea. About 12 years ago I marched him to the Drs and said he needed it sorting out. I was exhausted from the noise and would be full of rage - i used to lay there thinking about smothering him. He would jolt too - the nurse said this was his body gasping for air when he'd stopped breathing. Many a times he would elbow me or kick out. He was given a CPAP machine which he really hated. He managed about an hour or so a night, but gradually built up the time. He now wears it all night, sleeps like a baby, a real deep sleep.He said he'd never had dreams before as he never got into a deep sleep. Make him persevere - he knew it was becoming a deal breaker for me and now wouldn't be without it. It took him a good 6+ months to work up to a full night, but could easily wear it for 8/9hours now.

My Dh has/had SA - classic symptoms - the snort would wake me and I would nearly die of fright waiting for him to breathe again. Went through the whole palaver of CPAP and after all his efforts he ended up with a severe respiratory infection and raised bp. Anyway returning the machine he spotted a velcro strap on “hump” to force you to sleep on your side -€30 or €40. We never looked back - not a snort or a jiggle and only the lightest occasional snore. But the odd time he has worked his way onto his back it’s SA all the way

There is a charity called Hope2Sleep which I think will be very beneficial to you both!
It sounds as though the pressure might be too high on the mask and the nurse can adjust this. Maybe also change what type of mask is being used. Maybe a minimalist one that just goes around the nose would be better.
It’s tough on everyone isn’t it - the only thing that annoys me is the shooting out of cold air in my direction from my husbands mask!

@dementedpixie

I've been telling him I think he's got sleep apnoea for nearly 4 decades but he refuses to see the GP about it. We've got to register with a new GP soon to have our Covid jabs so maybe he'll mention it to them. Maybe he'll go to his introductory 'wellness check' and ask them about it then.

Sorry got to go - a pig's just flown past the window.