My husbands sleep apnea is ruining our relationship

[CoffeeCreamandSugar]

Hello All,

I am so bloody tired. I’m sorry I think this is going to be a rant. I’m not even sure I’m posting in the right place. For the eight years my husband and I have been together he’s snored like a fog horn. He also jerked and stopped breathing regularly then jolted awake. Add in two children and sleep has become a precious commodity.

About a year ago (possibly a bit more) I convinced him finally to go to the GP and he had a load of sleep tests and it turns out it’s sleep apnea (I told him this years ago but he wouldn’t go).

The nurse said she’d never had anyone snore as loudly as him in fact!

He has now had his machine for over half a year. He has the full face mask which goes over his nose and mouth. He still can’t wear it for more than three hours and he usually takes it off after an hour. I think one night he managed four hours but that was a complete fluke and hasn’t happened since.

This week has been the crappest week sleep wise for me. I’ve been falling asleep at about 4pm for an hour or so because I can’t cope. I have fibromyalgia and I hurt.

Monday he didn’t wear it. I forget why.

Tuesday he had cramp in his knee and fidgeted all night. I ended up on the sofa.

Wednesday he somehow managed to start choking with the mask on not even an hour after he put it on... I’ve got no idea how this happened and it hasn’t happened before. I asked him to please go and sleep on the sofa but he asked me twice why sleepily. He then fell asleep. We had a row as I left the room to sleep on the sofa again because apparently he was going to put the mask back on... but what’s the point? He will only take it off again.

Tonight he said he would sleep on the sofa so I could have a good nights sleep except he has been up working late in the bedroom. Apparently he has a poorly stomach. When I went up at 1am to see what was going on he had fallen asleep in the bed after ‘resting’. Looks like I’m on the bloody sofa again. He’s probably forgotten he said he would sleep on the sofa. He is forgetful. Queue another little row as I left the room. Then a text saying “are you okay?”

No I’m bloody not okay but I feel like a broken record.

I don’t know what to do. I have asked him to email his sleep nurse if he is having issues with the mask. I have asked him to put it on when he is relaxing to get used to it. I am at my wits end and I feel like all I do is chase sleep and bicker with him about it.

Anyone else been there with a DP with sleep apnea?

We don’t have a spare room. I doubt we will be moving for quite a while either as tied in with mortgage so a spare room is not an option. I’m sorry to rant. I’m also sorry it’s so long.

@soopedup

You need sleep and you need to do whatever you can to get it. Sleep in the same room as your daughter. Sofa bed in the lounge. Do something.

This 100%. Do this for a few weeks to get sleep.

Then you'll be thinking straight.

I don't understand why you are still trying to sleep in the same bed!

He is overweight. We are both overweight and we really must do something about it. I just don’t have any energy to, and he says he doesn’t either which I do believe.

This is one aspect of life you can control right now. Get your head in the game and he might join you and it could completely change your lives for the better. Do some research about weight and sleep apnoea. Share it with him. Support each other.

Separate rooms surely. No one could sleep next to those machines!

Total lack of respect for sleep apnea here!

"Also, sleep apnea is a very serious condition and it needs to be treated."

Agreed.
Treated with what exactly?
My Dh has it. He tried all sorts of masks and found them incredibly uncomfortable. I too tried them (just so that I could understand) and found them unbearable. The other options from the clinic, was ..... what exactly?

Yes op's Dh could sleep on the sofa more. Yes he was selfish with the working on the laptop till 1am.

But if you don't have the house/the room for another bedroom, space for another bed, your options are limited.

I live with a snorer, we just sleep apart. He sleeps in with the kids as he doesn’t wake them up it in the lounge.

Honestly it’s not your responsibility to sort out it’s his. Just tell him you won’t be sleeping with him anymore because of your health.

It’s not just the snoring that the the problem it’s that he’s not respecting the fact that he is actually making you ill.

Sorry should say, or in the lounge

Get a decent sofa bed or inflatable bed (not a little air bed) and one of you make your permanent sleep space in the living room. If the bed is comfortable it will be fine.

My dh got a different mask that doesn't fully enclose his nose so he doesn't feel so suffocated.

For the pp whose dh had a dry mouth issue - dh uses Xylimelts that you stick to your upper gum/teeth and they help stop the mouth dryness and help protect their teeth too.

Swap your sofa to a pull out sofa that converts to a bed . Make him sleep there. Sleep is precious. This will break the relationship eventually if not sorted

@lovelemoncurd

Separate rooms surely. No one could sleep next to those machines!

The machines are incredibly quiet compared to the sound of snoring

The solution is to lose weight.
Track what you both eat and drink for a week so you can see what you're actually eating and how much. See a nutritionist when you can.

get a set of smaller plates and after the holiday season, start using those plates and begin to cut back on portions. That will give you both a good start.

It's the most important thing you can do for yourselves and your DC.

The first priority is you getting some decent sleep in the short term. I think you’ve mentioned above that you have a blow up bed, but you could also consider a fold up Z bed to go in one of the kids rooms. We’ve got a cheap one and it’s much comfier than a blow up bed and doesn’t take up too much space.

My husband hasn't got sleep apnea but he does snore like a train, I'm also a very light sleeper. We has arguments over it and I was a very cranky pissed off wife for years until about 2years ago we decided to sleep separate. So much better

We dont have spare rooms but bought a very comfy sofa bed and he sleeps on it every night.

You sound so fed up, you poor love.

I think there are a few issues, not least of which is his attitude to you about this problem. He's not recognising the impact all of this is having on you. You need to talk to him about it. He needs to understand.

Then there's the practical side. Do you have 2 reception rooms? Could you get a day bed? Could you get a sofa bed? Getting some sleep while all this is fine tuned will help. You could take it in turns to sleep on the sofa bed. Is there any way that you can set up something better than a sofa for the nights when you need to sleep apart?

Throdly he needs to get this sorted. There are different masks. There's even a different machine called an Apap. They can adjust the pressure of the air. But they can't do any of that unless he tells them he's not getting on with his mask.

Is he still driving? Because that's a consideration too.

I read the book Breathe (NY Bestseller) and he says you musn't breathe through you mouth. Bad for you. Recommends these chin straps to keep your mouth closed. Actually recommends it for the sleeper not to keep them quiet for their partner.
What about a small mattress on the floor by the bed and ear plugs. I think if the noise is further away it will help.

This is the mask dh has so it doesn't cover as much of his face.
This is the link for Xylimelts as they help prevent dry mouth
www.hope2sleep.co.uk/xylimelts-dry-mouth-discs.html

He also has a humidifier chamber he fills with water each night that fits into the machine

He's being really selfish. Fibro is absolute killer and you need your bed. You need to discuss it with him when you Ute both awake and a little bit rational.

I complete sympathise, my husband had only mild sleep apnea from being overweight and I thought I would kill him! He also reacted similarly mainly because he was so tired too. We had regular middle of the night arguments which he couldn't even remember.

He doesn't have it anymore as he now cycles miles and miles, has lost (some) weight but the main thing I believe is his mega high blood pressure is under control and he is less stressed at work (well not this year but generally!)

All of these things contribute to sleep apnea even if not the cause and are as important as the sleep nurse in improving the condition.

He's bonkers tbh, he'd have better quality sleep if he addressed it properly, you must not he be exhausted!

How about getting a pull out bed in the lounge (for him, not you!) so it's not the sofa and then he can have a fully set up "sleep station" you'll have to get him to agree to vacate the bedroom at a reasonable hour.

Tbh it's not wonder it's not improving if he's up til 1!! Another factor that worse s the condition, he needs better sleep habits!

You must both be exhausted (I put NOT be exhausted which is ridiculous obvs!)

Before DH and I were able to have separate rooms we had a pull out bed for the living room that we took it in turns to sleep on.

I also had surgery to open up my airways to help with the snoring/sleep apnea plus I lost 4 stone.

I think your DH is being pretty selfish because there ARE things he could be doing to at least TRY and help you both get a good nights sleep but it just doesn't sound like he is putting the effort in?

You sleeping on a temporary bed while making sure you get sleep (it won't be good sleep because let's face it they're not comfortable but it'll be better than your situation now) won't do anything to change his attitude and behaviour. He needs to take it in turns with you to feel the pain of the temporary bed. (Aswell as doing more to try and make the CPAP work for him).

If he won't then I'd be questioning whether I wanted to be with someone who had so little disregard for me.

@Oblomov20

Total lack of respect for sleep apnea here!

"Also, sleep apnea is a very serious condition and it needs to be treated."

Agreed.
Treated with what exactly?
My Dh has it. He tried all sorts of masks and found them incredibly uncomfortable. I too tried them (just so that I could understand) and found them unbearable. The other options from the clinic, was ..... what exactly?

Yes op's Dh could sleep on the sofa more. Yes he was selfish with the working on the laptop till 1am.

But if you don't have the house/the room for another bedroom, space for another bed, your options are limited.

I'm not seeing a lack of respect for sleep apnea (no one is saying it's a made up condition, or the husband is faking it, or he could magically make it go away if he just did X), I think posters are just pointing out the lack of respect that the OP's husband is demonstrating towards her given his lack of care regarding her quality of life. It's also not the case that there are no other options the OP's husband could try as he is overweight (I appreciate this may not have been relevant for your husband, but it is for the OP's).

OP, would it be right to say that the main issue for you is not the sleep apnea itself but rather your husband's response to having it? I have a close relative with a serious mental health condition (he has been sectioned under the mental health act more than once) but he takes responsibility for his mental health (for example, he attends all of his medical appointments, he complies with his medication regime and will discuss it with his team if he is finding a particular medication hard to tolerate, he exercises regularly which is helpful for him, he goes to bed early which he finds hard but which definitely benefits his mental state etc.) so the effect on his family is minimised and it's much easier for everyone to be patient with him when he's struggling because we can all see it's because of the illness, not because he's not trying.

I think you need to sit your husband down at a calm moment (not in the middle of the night!) and explain how YOU are feeling, making it about you and not about him. For example, "Phil, I am currently so sleep deprived that I am concerned for my mental and physical health. I feel like you have no appreciation of the effects of your sleep apnea on my wellbeing. I feel that you think you are doing everything you can to mitigate this but even with you wearing the mask for a few hours every night I am still getting hardly any sleep. Do you have any suggestions as to what we can do to help me get a decent night's sleep?" I would be expecting suggestions like those from PPs, to get a daybed downstairs for one of you or rejig the bedrooms upstairs or have one of you share with one of the children. I realise this may not be a popular solution for your family but you all need to start prioritising everyone INCLUDING YOU getting enough sleep to function (which is a need), not bedroom arrangement preferences being met (which is a want).

Unfortunately he can’t sleep with the kids because his snoring does wake them and wind them up. They’ve told him they don’t want to sleep with him because if it.

I have briefly told him this morning how I feel and will go into more depth when he comes home.

I’ve had about five hours sleep on the sofa. I can’t keep doing it.

We do need to loose weight. I did recently loose a stone doing keto and while I’ve mostly kept it off I just haven’t had the motivation to keep at it. I need to get the motivation back.

The funniest thing is that apparently he kept the mask on for five hours last night... and I was on the sofa. Ffs.

It isn’t the sleep apnea. It is definitely his response to it. I am going to put the ball in his court.

So your children are aware of how bad their dad's snoring is and refuse to sleep with him themselves because of it but they expect YOU to do so!? That'd be a no from me. (How old are they?) If necessary the kids get the largest bedroom to share. You get the medium bedroom, you deserve some proper space to sleep in. Your husband gets the smallest room. Up until now it is your sleep that has been sacrificed for everyone else's comfort, they can all make a few adjustments of their own for you now. Alternatively your husband sleeps downstairs so that his snoring is as far away from everyone as possible.

I can completely understand you have no motivation to loose weight at the moment. I can even understand your husband finding it hard as he must be tired too, although he should be at least somewhat motivated by the facts that a) he needs to do so to improve his sleep apnea which is a very serious medical condition and b) it would massively benefit his wife if his apnea was lessened. However, losing weight is not the only solution - the immediate solution is for you as a family to make changes to allow everyone to sleep. I'm not suggesting you go in both barrels at your kids and I agree that any changes in bedroom arrangements need to be presented to them sensitively (of course they won't WANT to share but you NEED to be able to sleep) and I think it's good you're putting the ball in your husbands court but this needs to be the aim: for everyone in the family to be able to get enough sleep to function.

If your daughter doesn't want to share with her brother (I can see that no one wants to share with your husband at the moment) then would she prefer to share with you? You could have the biggest bedroom as a "girls' room" for you and her and the two other bedrooms for your husband and son. There are lots of different ways that no one has to share a room with the snoring but either your kids or your husband (or both) are going to have to take one for the team here, by sharing rooms with someone or having a smaller room or sleeping downstairs. You're not unreasonable to want to be able to sleep (like they can...)

I know this sounds disproportionate, but is moving to a four bedroom house an option? Or can you convert a downstairs room to another bedroom.

My DH snores and we sleep in separate rooms most of the time. We have even been known to book two rooms when we go on holiday but I also have the Bose sleep buds for holidays, they are not a perfect solution as I can still hear the noisiest snoring over them and I find them a bit uncomfortable.

You and your basic needs are bottom of the list in your house.

If you had a dog would you be even lower?

Man up to your family OP.

Sleep deprivation is used as torture.

Practical solutions - short term - your husband sleeps on sofa sofa bed EVERY night.

Once you are getting some sleep you can thing longer term.

You are ill already, and you will get sicker.

I was overweight and had sleep apnea, went away after I lost some weight and although I still snore it's manageable for my wife. I slept on the sofa and still do occasionally if I'm affecting her sleep.

Honestly just can't tell you how much life has improved since shifting a bit of weight and sleeping better, if he can.

He should be the one sleeping on the sofa if he's the one making the noise and not willing to wear the mask/lose weight.