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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could you ever love a man who..

123 replies

complimint · 15/12/2020 14:40

Walked out on his wife and six months old baby , even if you knew for facts that he was being emotionally and financially abused ?
I know the truth through reliable
Channels and despite these abuses , am still struggle with a man who walks away from his wife and child.
He acknowledges completely how despicable it was and is to do that while also adding that his situation was either going to result in him leaving the marriage or taking his own life..?

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/12/2020 19:29

@CodenameVillanelle

If he carried on seeing and supporting his kid then he didn't walk out on them

They just broke up. That's not a problem.

This.

Viviennemary · 15/12/2020 19:31

Depends what the level of abuse was. If it was bad he did the right thing walking away.

BillMasen · 15/12/2020 19:33

@Viviennemary

Depends what the level of abuse was. If it was bad he did the right thing walking away.

“The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none”

Often said on here.

So should a woman put up with a bit of abuse? A moderate amount? How much until it’s ok to go?

If none, same for a man?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/12/2020 19:33

@Viviennemary

Depends what the level of abuse was. If it was bad he did the right thing walking away.

Why should you not walk away from any level of abuse? If someone I loved of either sex told me they were being abused I would advise them it was 100% unacceptable.

Bourbonbiccy · 15/12/2020 19:37

He can leave an unhealthy relationship, or any relationship at any time he chooses. You shouldn't stay for a child.

He should however have emotionally and financially supported his child, if he did this then yes, if he is a loving and decent man, of course I could love him.

samyeagar · 15/12/2020 19:39

We've managed to go full circle with the man shaming and victim blaming, and yet no one has even broached the subject of why the OP is this involved with the guy when she has not even really started the process of divorcing. And why is he even entertaining this relationship.

To me, that is probably the biggest red flag of this whole thing.

samyeagar · 15/12/2020 19:41

@Bourbonbiccy

He can leave an unhealthy relationship, or any relationship at any time he chooses. You shouldn't stay for a child.

He should however have emotionally and financially supported his child, if he did this then yes, if he is a loving and decent man, of course I could love him.

OP has stated that he has financially supported and been active in his child's life.

Original poster

complimint · 15/12/2020 19:48

He did and does emotionally and financially support his child. He speaks well of his exW in terms of her being an incredible
Mother to their child . He was not permitted to see his child for some
Months after he left as his exW was very angry. He went to court because of this and it got sorted out and he has had this arrangement with his child since.
I am Separated for years and have only begun divorce proceedings. My exh would
Like to remarry. We are amicable .
I accept that my wording was wrong.

OP posts:

samyeagar · 15/12/2020 19:53

@complimint

He did and does emotionally and financially support his child. He speaks well of his exW in terms of her being an incredible Mother to their child . He was not permitted to see his child for some Months after he left as his exW was very angry. He went to court because of this and it got sorted out and he has had this arrangement with his child since. I am Separated for years and have only begun divorce proceedings. My exh would Like to remarry. We are amicable . I accept that my wording was wrong.

This is an extremely helpful and clarifying post. This whole situation sounds pretty typical then and nothing that bad that I can see from anyone involved.

Perhaps if you have those feeling of "How could he have left an abusive relationship when he had a child..." Focus on this bit of what you just wrote...

"He went to court because of this and it got sorted out and he has had this arrangement with his child since."

Read that again.

He actively fought to be in his child's life even when things were stacked against him.

trixiebelden77 · 15/12/2020 20:18

Interesting characterisation of women expressing opinions as ‘screaming’ and ‘man haters’, cheeseandwin.......always telling when these are the words jumped to, isn’t it?

It’s not very common for women to leave their young child with their abuser, in my experience. Your experience must be very different if you find the situation comparable.

BillMasen · 15/12/2020 20:28

@trixiebelden77

Interesting characterisation of women expressing opinions as ‘screaming’ and ‘man haters’, cheeseandwin.......always telling when these are the words jumped to, isn’t it?

It’s not very common for women to leave their young child with their abuser, in my experience. Your experience must be very different if you find the situation comparable.

It’s also not very common, in fact very hard, for a man to get full custody of a small child on splitting up. Virtually impossible id say.

So are you saying he should stay with an abuser?

OhDearMuriel · 15/12/2020 20:43

In answer to your question: NO

Katiefizz76 · 15/12/2020 21:00

I thought you were very young, maybe about 20 years old in your OP. I don't think you have been very fair about this man, I actually am very annoyed about the question mark you our next to his suicidal feelings. If you think it is acceptable to question someone's mental health and personal disclosures they have made to you in this way, if you can't accept who he is then split up with him . You sound very judgemental.

MessAllOver · 15/12/2020 21:13

I'm not entirely sure that his story holds up. Abusive individuals, men or women, don't tend to make "incredible" parents. Why did he leave his child with such a person?

It does come down to whether you believe his claims of "abuse". No one should be judged for leaving an abusive relationship so, if you believe him and have proof, then you definitely shouldn't blame him.

The reason I might have some doubts is because the first few years after having a baby are notoriously tough on relationships. It is easy for tensions and frustrations to bubble to the surface, which is why people don't tend to look kindly on men who "bail" at that point leaving their partners literally holding the baby. What this usually means is that they couldn't hack the drudgery of family life with small children. But you will know him and whether he is the sort of person who pulls his weight or who leaves all the shitty jobs for other people and then complains that they're being mean to him. If you trust him, don't judge him.

BigFatLiar · 15/12/2020 22:38

Abusive individuals, men or women, don't tend to make "incredible" parents. Why did he leave his child with such a person?

She wasn't abusive to the child just to him.

What this usually means is that they couldn't hack the drudgery of family life with small children.

The drudgery of family life shouldn't include abuse. As for believing his claim of abuse it would appear that that it was enough for the police to be involved and go to court.

copperoliver · 15/12/2020 23:23

He is paying maintenance and seeing the child, he has not abandoned him.
He walked out on his abusive life for his own sake and his child's imagine what the child would have seen if he's dad had stayed. Give the man a break. X

Fudgsicles · 15/12/2020 23:26

Of course! There is always advice for women to leave abusive relationships. It is NO different for men!

DP stayed with his ex for the sake of their child. He didn't want to be in a relationship with her anymore but refused to walk away from his child because of his own childhood experiences. Doing this has caused so much damage to his MH because of the way his ex was. Emotionally and financially abusive and it's left him with some real issues. IMO him staying and not walking away from his child and co-parenting instead was not worth what it has cost him.

Fudgsicles · 15/12/2020 23:35

Actually OP, break up with him. You clearly are of the opinion that he should have out up with abuse because he had a baby. What an appalling attitude. But hey, he's male so it's not proper abuse is it. Ffs.

I am sick of this bullshit attitude towards men in general on here. Women are fucking shitty too, not saints.

Unicant · 15/12/2020 23:36

I wouldn't be with a man who had just abandoned their child but he hasn't done this has he. Its not ideal leaving a woman when they have a young baby but it seems to have been quite extreme circumstances. Men do get abused too. My husband had to get a restraining order out on his ex... it was horrific.. she hit him when they were together, texted abuse to all his female friends, destroyed his things, used to follow him and stand outside where he worked, and even smashed his windows once after they had broken up. She had an alcohol problem.
This can and does happen.
Its very sad he had to leave his baby but I wouldn't judge him on this of he has fought for contact.

okokok000 · 15/12/2020 23:38

I'd struggle with the fact that he left the child defenceless and exposed to possibly being exposed too.

Unicant · 16/12/2020 00:07

Tbf I think it would be nigh on impossible for a man to get custody of a 6month old baby apart from in really extreme circumstances where the mother was abusing the child... and he has fought for contact

DontStopThinkingAboutTomorrow · 16/12/2020 00:42

If he had fought to have access and financially supports his child and is involved with them, then I don't see a big issue. Plenty of relationships break down, and plenty of fathers (and some mothers) don't live ft with their children but are involved and active in their lives.

So, it wouldn't be an automatic no from me on that alone.

Cheeseandwin5 · 16/12/2020 12:41

@trixiebelden77

If you really feel that a woman leaving a relationship and taking the child would be the same as a man leaving the relationship and taking the child then you need to go and educated yourself. He would have been arrested and the child back with the mother if he had.

Look how many women have left abuse relationships , now check to see how many posts doubting their versions of events. If you are someone who has, then feel free to point it out to me and I will happily apologise to you.
Just to summarise my point for the slow , if a woman said she was in an abusive relationship would you believe her, and if so why would you automatically not believe a man if he said the same thing? That's the question ppl should ask themselves and really there is only one reason.
The fact that he has acted and has documents demonstrating his character and some wharped ppl think that proves he is guilty just shows the bias on here.

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