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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you ever love a man who..

123 replies

complimint · 15/12/2020 14:40

Walked out on his wife and six months old baby , even if you knew for facts that he was being emotionally and financially abused ?
I know the truth through reliable
Channels and despite these abuses , am still struggle with a man who walks away from his wife and child.
He acknowledges completely how despicable it was and is to do that while also adding that his situation was either going to result in him leaving the marriage or taking his own life..?

OP posts:
JohnMcClane · 15/12/2020 18:28

I don't know OP. What I will say is that there seem to be a lot of...how do I say this? There seem to be a lot of threads about very serious relationship issues that on closer inspection don't seem to add up.

Has anyone else noticed that?

BillMasen · 15/12/2020 18:29

@PicsInRed

OP, I would recommend you apply for a Claire's Law disclosure with the police. See what they say.
Ffs really?

Picsinred and I have disagreed on other similar threads. I know were they stand on men being victims of abuse.

MiddlesexGirl · 15/12/2020 18:31

There's nothing inherently wrong with breaking up with someone when you have a young baby. Even without taking abuse into account.

This.

BigFatLiar · 15/12/2020 18:32

According to the OP, he had already told her about the abuse and police report well before she saw the documents. She didn't find out by accident looking though the folder.

You believe that he should have refused to tell her why he divorced?

I would go with doing a 'Claires law' search for both of them after all she could also be a bad person.

BigFatLiar · 15/12/2020 18:33

I know were they stand on men being victims of abuse.

Probably say it doesn't happen.

Windmillwhirl · 15/12/2020 18:33

Has anyone seen a man on here told to request proof his partner was abused in a previous relationship?

PicsInRed · 15/12/2020 18:34

@JohnMcClane

I don't know OP. What I will say is that there seem to be a lot of...how do I say this? There seem to be a lot of threads about very serious relationship issues that on closer inspection don't seem to add up.

Has anyone else noticed that?

Yes. I've noticed that too. Occasionally the bolder ones will attempt a PM. A "single name per thread" rule would sort it all out.
BillMasen · 15/12/2020 18:37

Not seen any evidence of name changing or multiple names tbh

Don’t disagree with you on one name per thread

ivfbeenbusy · 15/12/2020 18:38

Would you judge a woman if she walked out with her baby from an emotional and abusive relationship - of course you wouldn't so why treat him any differently!

ivfbeenbusy · 15/12/2020 18:39

@VettiyaIruken

I'd judge the fuck out of him for abandoning his child.
Typical MN double standard there
popsydoodle4444 · 15/12/2020 18:41

He left the baby with a physically abusive woman?

Were the social services involved?

LindaEllen · 15/12/2020 18:42

If he was being abused and had to get out, I'm not sure you're in a position to judge (although I would hope he'd try to get access to the child though the courts).

It's not as simple as walking out when you're in an abusive situation. I know when I walked I had to leave some family and friends - I couldn't risk him finding where I was.

None of us on here know what the truth is.

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2020 18:43

@popsydoodle4444

He left the baby with a physically abusive woman?

Were the social services involved?

She clearly states it was emotional and financial, and it would be very hard for him to get custody of a six month old ten years ago. Even now.
BillMasen · 15/12/2020 18:45

@popsydoodle4444

He left the baby with a physically abusive woman?

Were the social services involved?

The op said emotionally and financially

Do you have any idea how hard it would be for a man to get custody of a young child when splitting up? Default is that the mother is primary carer, and changing that view can be hard. Even getting 50:50 can be a massive battle

TonMoulin · 15/12/2020 18:45

So he was been abused up to the point he had to call the police. That’s not a small thing.
He is still in his child’s life and is paying maintenance as I should be.

@complimint what exactly do you he should have done? Stayed in the relationship and carry in being abused? Take a 6 month old baby away form his mother??
He did what he could in a shit situation. Victim blaming isn’t nice.

TonMoulin · 15/12/2020 18:46

@LindaEllen

If he was being abused and had to get out, I'm not sure you're in a position to judge (although I would hope he'd try to get access to the child though the courts).

It's not as simple as walking out when you're in an abusive situation. I know when I walked I had to leave some family and friends - I couldn't risk him finding where I was.

None of us on here know what the truth is.

He has access and is still seeing the child EOW and has done so for the last 10 years.
BigFatLiar · 15/12/2020 18:50

OP if you don't want to continue you're relationship with him don't. Just don't try to make him feel it's his fault.

Original poster
complimint · 15/12/2020 18:50

Thanks to everyone . My issue was not about his abuse which as I said in my op is watertight true . My issue is that I am struggling or did struggle to understand how he left his baby .having
Read everything and all
Opinions , the issue is mine . He is a very actively involved and attentive father who takes his responsibilities seriously and that is enough for me
To accept at the moment. I will see
How it goes , slowly . Thanks

OP posts:
zaffa · 15/12/2020 19:00

@complimint

Thanks to everyone . My issue was not about his abuse which as I said in my op is watertight true . My issue is that I am struggling or did struggle to understand how he left his baby .having Read everything and all Opinions , the issue is mine . He is a very actively involved and attentive father who takes his responsibilities seriously and that is enough for me To accept at the moment. I will see How it goes , slowly . Thanks
OP could you just explain what you mean by 'left his baby'. Was there a prolonged period of no contact after he left? Or do you mean that he left his wife and didn't file for full custody of the baby, or that he should have stayed with his wife so he and e baby lived physically in the same home? I think this is where we are all getting confused ...
Windmillwhirl · 15/12/2020 19:06

Are you worried what other people think of what he did?

LadyCatStark · 15/12/2020 19:10

No one should have to stay in an abusive relationship, man or woman. He sees and supports his child so what’s the issue?

BillMasen · 15/12/2020 19:14

OP he didn’t leave his baby.

Language like that and attitudes like that are pretty unhelpful. People can leave relationships for whatever reason, and in this case you’re happy it was a very valid reason. That doesn’t mean they leave their kids.

You haven’t really answered what he should have done instead. I suspect it’s “stay”

CodenameVillanelle · 15/12/2020 19:17

If he carried on seeing and supporting his kid then he didn't walk out on them Confused
They just broke up. That's not a problem.

Coffeeeeandcake · 15/12/2020 19:17

I would never feel secure with a man who had done that!

BillMasen · 15/12/2020 19:20

@Coffeeeeandcake

I would never feel secure with a man who had done that!
Oh ffs here’s another one.

Done what? Left an abusive relationship and had ongoing long term relationship with his child and paid his obligations

What the fuck else was he supposed to do?

Or don’t men get abused...

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