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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you ever love a man who..

123 replies

complimint · 15/12/2020 14:40

Walked out on his wife and six months old baby , even if you knew for facts that he was being emotionally and financially abused ?
I know the truth through reliable
Channels and despite these abuses , am still struggle with a man who walks away from his wife and child.
He acknowledges completely how despicable it was and is to do that while also adding that his situation was either going to result in him leaving the marriage or taking his own life..?

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 15/12/2020 17:00

@NewYearHere20

Now I'm confused. The child is now 10.... but your BF left when the child was a baby - but only recently is he filing a police report and starting Divorce proceedings??? OP - Is your problem that your BF got out of an abusive situation? Or do you think he should of taken the child with him? If it was a new born baby it's highly unusual for the father to be granted full custody so if he was in an abusive situation I can't imagine he had much choice but to leave his child??
From what she says she is filing for divorce and he showed her his paperwork to help go through the process.

She doesn't seem to be asking if he should have a problem with her breakup.

NewYearHere20 · 15/12/2020 17:07

"From what she says she is filing for divorce and he showed her his paperwork to help go through the process.

She doesn't seem to be asking if he should have a problem with her breakup."

Aah OK - that makes more sense. And also that would explain why he showed OP his divorce paper work. Perhaps he was just trying to be helpful. I still don't understand why some posters on this thread have jumped on the fact of him showing paperwork about his previous abuse as suspicious.
@complimint If your new BF is treating you well and there are no other worries I really wouldn't worry too much about the reasons and circumstances of his divorce. It happened 10 years ago and it sounds like he has maintained his responsibilities to his child. Just take things slowly as you should with any new relationship and enjoy.

naturalyoghurtmuncher · 15/12/2020 17:16

If he was being abused why did he not fight to keep the baby with him? I would not respect him because of that.

Fieldofyellowflowers · 15/12/2020 17:23

But he didn't leave his new born baby. He has paid child maintenance and has been involved in the child's life. It would have been far more harmful for the child if he had stayed in an abusive relationship.

thegrassisgreenwhereyouwaterit · 15/12/2020 17:27

@complimint

Official Channels are the police . Yes he pays maintenance and has his child ten years on, eow and holidays . He works 200 miles away from his child .
What’s your connection and why are the Police giving you this information.
thegrassisgreenwhereyouwaterit · 15/12/2020 17:36

@complimint

Tbh I knew the police had been called And a report was filed a few Months ago but I am In the process of beginning divorce proceedings and I don't know anything about it so he explained the process and had his file to give an idea of proceedings. His report was in the file . That's how I can to see it . I don't doubt the police involvement . I find it hard to Understand how Anyone can leave their new born baby. That's my issue . However I am not experienced in matters of emotional or Financial abuse . I only Know that he felt suicidal towards the end of the marriage and sought counselling. Which lasted for most of a year.
Christ you’re going through a divorce yourself, he’s been having issues a few months ago with his ex, he’s had mental health problems and you can’t see the red flags. You understand don’t you that you’re only being told one half of the story so obviously the paperwork he’s shown you will be in his favour.

In reality he could well be a dv perpetrator. I would definitely do a Claire’s law request but honestly I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. Haven’t you got enough going on with your own situation.

DioneTheDiabolist · 15/12/2020 17:41

What did the police report say? What were the accusations? Theft? Fraud?

CrazyToast · 15/12/2020 17:43

He left an unhappy relationship but continued to love, see and care for his child. That sounds like something a decent man would do. Too many men don't bother, especially if the situation is difficult.

I expect it was horrible and hard for him, plus abuse, and now he is getting judged for it.

Maybe there are other reasons you feel odd about him?

Cheeseandwin5 · 15/12/2020 17:45

@Bluntness100
So he didn’t want out on the child? Just his abusive partner?
What are you saying, he should have stayed and taken it? Do you say that to women who are being abused?

100% this
All those saying he is up to something or is guilty in some way need to step back and own up to their prejudice.
There is no way a woman would be advised to stay in an abusive relationship.
If a woman said it was true we would expect a new partner to believe it . This man has official documentation as well and the man haters are screaming its a plot. I honestly can not believe what ppl are saying on here.
I would be interested to see them saying the same thing on the many posts where DW have left abusive relationships..
OP, your partner has proved himself to be a decent man, just because he had to leave to save himself from abuse doesn't make that any more true.
How would you feel if he said that you should have stayed in your marriage and looked at you unfavourable if you didn't?
And more importantly what would you and the others advise a woman to do who was being abused in a relationship???

samyeagar · 15/12/2020 17:47

This thread is a great example of why any man with half a brain should go out of his way to keep anything about his prior relationships to himself.

BillMasen · 15/12/2020 17:52

I’m amazed someone has labelled him a DV perpetrator for escaping an abusive relationship.

Some posters need to look at themselves

PicsInRed · 15/12/2020 18:01

@samyeagar

This thread is a great example of why any man with half a brain should go out of his way to keep anything about his prior relationships to himself.
The point is that what you have written is actually normal behaviour for the early stages of a relationship. It is abnormal to divulge extemely personal former relationship issues at the early stages, certainly to start showing paperwork to prove what a giant baddy the ex is. This is the sort of thing men attempting to recruit an ally do. Nice, normal men (the majority of men, to be clear) don't do what this man is doing. That is the red flag - and the OP's instinct senses this which is why she has asked about it.
samyeagar · 15/12/2020 18:01

@BillMasen

I’m amazed someone has labelled him a DV perpetrator for escaping an abusive relationship.

Some posters need to look at themselves

I wish I could say I was amazed, but this is pretty representative of my own personal experience.
samyeagar · 15/12/2020 18:05

The point is that what you have written is actually normal behaviour for the early stages of a relationship. It is abnormal to divulge extemely personal former relationship issues at the early stages, certainly to start showing paperwork to prove what a giant baddy the ex is. This is the sort of thing men attempting to recruit an ally do. Nice, normal men (the majority of men, to be clear) don't do what this man is doing. That is the red flag - and the OP's instinct senses this which is why she has asked about it.

But he didn't do that. According to the OP, this all came up because SHE was filing for divorce, and enlisted his help, and that is when he showed her his divorce file.

VettiyaIruken · 15/12/2020 18:07

I'd judge the fuck out of him for abandoning his child.

BigFatLiar · 15/12/2020 18:09

If he was being abused why did he not fight to keep the baby with him? I would not respect him because of that.

Unless there was some exceptional circumstance such as a threat to the childs wellbeing I doubt a court would give a father custody of a child rather than the mother.

What’s your connection and why are the Police giving you this information.

They didn't its in the paperwork from his divorce that he was going through with her to help explain the process.

In reality he could well be a dv perpetrator.

OP is also getting divorced - perhaps she is a DV perpetator?

samyeagar · 15/12/2020 18:11

@VettiyaIruken

I'd judge the fuck out of him for abandoning his child.
Good thing he didn't then huh? According to the OP, he has been paying maintenance, and has been actively and regularly seeing his child.
BillMasen · 15/12/2020 18:12

@VettiyaIruken

I'd judge the fuck out of him for abandoning his child.
What the actual fuck

What’s he supposed to do, keep being abused so he doesn’t “break up the family”

anyoldname12 · 15/12/2020 18:12

I'd judge the fuck out of him for abandoning his child
So he should stay with a woman who batters him and restricts access to money then? He didn't 'abandon his child' either if you RTFuckingT

BillMasen · 15/12/2020 18:13

@VettiyaIruken

I'd judge the fuck out of him for abandoning his child.
And if maintaining a 10 year relationship and meeting your obligations is abandoning then a lot of us are guilty of that

Jesus, this shit is actually how some people think!

BigFatLiar · 15/12/2020 18:15

Jesus, this shit is actually how some people think!

He's a man - root of all evil.

BillMasen · 15/12/2020 18:16

@BigFatLiar

Jesus, this shit is actually how some people think!

He's a man - root of all evil.

I see it a lot but when it’s blatant it still sometimes shocks me.

Not all posters... I know. But some

Windmillwhirl · 15/12/2020 18:20

I think those that scoff at the idea a man could be abused need to question themselves. Some people on here are very quick to tar all men negatively. It's very telling.

PicsInRed · 15/12/2020 18:25

@samyeagar

The point is that what you have written is actually normal behaviour for the early stages of a relationship. It is abnormal to divulge extemely personal former relationship issues at the early stages, certainly to start showing paperwork to prove what a giant baddy the ex is. This is the sort of thing men attempting to recruit an ally do. Nice, normal men (the majority of men, to be clear) don't do what this man is doing. That is the red flag - and the OP's instinct senses this which is why she has asked about it.

But he didn't do that. According to the OP, this all came up because SHE was filing for divorce, and enlisted his help, and that is when he showed her his divorce file.

According to the OP, he had already told her about the abuse and police report well before she saw the documents. She didn't find out by accident looking though the folder.

He has later offered her to look at the folder.

This is very early doors to be making such big revelations for such a new relationship, and OP is obviously in a venerable place as she's going though a divorce. It screams red flags.

PicsInRed · 15/12/2020 18:26

OP, I would recommend you apply for a Claire's Law disclosure with the police. See what they say.

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