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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can’t get my head round what my mother has done

78 replies

user1471481764 · 12/12/2020 14:48

Hi,
This is going to be really long, sorry! Just need some thoughts because I feel like I’m going mad.
So earlier this year we found out my mum (64) was having an affair. The bloke had put up a picture of him sitting in my mums car holding her dog. My dad had suspected something - this bloke was leaving inappropriate Facebook comments (she had always hated Facebook) and she’d said he was a friend. Anyway, my dad questioned her about the photo and she denied it, then said she would move out. She did, for 2 days, then went home - she says we forced her back.
Fast forward to the summer, she said bye to my dad, he went to work, then went home to 4 scrawled notes - one for me, my sister, my 14 year old daughter and one for him. They said she’d gone away, she’d be back in a week or so, she wasn’t with anyone else. She told my daughter to look after her grandad 😞 my dad was beside himself, saying he wished he was dead, he couldn’t go on - she turned her phone off and got a secret number which she didn’t give to any of us. Months went by, one day, in August, I went to see my elderly Nan, my mums mum, who had turned against us all because she said what my mum had done was none of our business. She shouted at me, slammed the door in my face and that was that. Overnight she fell, broke her hip and ended up in hospital with hypothermia and we were told she may well die. Mother came over, after my sister and I couldn’t get hold of her so told my uncle. She didn’t speak to either of us - but moved back in with my Nan. She hasn’t told anyone what her plans are, hasn’t spoken to any of the kids, she’s spoken to my sister but that has turned sour now too - things are awful. My dad is too scared to try and talk to her in case she tries to take the house from him and he is so depressed I feel like I can’t cope - every morning he calls me to tell me how shit his life is, that she could do this to him. My babies have lost their Nan and even though we weren’t close, I just don’t know what I did to deserve my own mother shutting me off completely - my sister and I think she is poorly - but whenever I try and search for similar situations, there aren’t any.
There’s more info, like how this bloke has form for getting with women then cheating on them, he lives with his mum, he set up a fb account using my nans surname - he called the police on my sister - it’s all so horrible.
I just don’t understand.

OP posts:

RandomUser18282 · 12/12/2020 14:53

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

picklemewalnuts · 12/12/2020 14:53

That's really tough.

It sounds as though relationships could be a bit volatile, given how your Nan reacted to things.

All you can do is reassure yourself you aren't like her, this is her responsibility. And keep an eye on your dad.

There's an extent to which they are all adults, and you are limited in what you can do.

RantyAnty · 12/12/2020 14:57

What a difficult situation for all of you.

Has she been living with this man while she was gone?

I don't think there is much anyone can do as she is an adult. Has your father filed for divorce yet? He probably should at this point as it doesn't look like she's coming back.

Bagelsandbrie · 12/12/2020 14:59

For a different perspective.....

Yes it’s horrible she had an affair and of course you feel sorry for your dad. But if you want a relationship with your mum - and that’s up to you, many wouldn’t - I think you need to accept that you may not know what’s happened between your mum and dad in terms of what their relationship is / was like and it’s not for you to judge. It doesn’t mean you need to embrace the new bloke or have a conversation about it but maybe your Mum would be more open to talking etc if she felt you could keep her affair and her as mum separate? Is there a way for you to contact her now?

I think it’s quite hard to see our own parents as adults and separate from “mum and dad”.

Original poster

user1471481764 · 12/12/2020 14:59

@Handsoffstrikesagain

Your mum sounds like a selfish cow. There will be other people along in a minute to make excuses for her, but there are no excuses for cutting your children and grandchildren off unless they are abusive - which I am assuming you aren’t. Your poor dad. If I was you I’d focus my efforts on getting your Dad to see what a horrible woman she is and divorce her so that he can get on with his life and avoid any more time wasting it on her. It sounds like she’s made up her mind. Don’t waste your energy trying to change it. I know this must be very hard, but if you let it, it’ll consume you and that’s not fair on you or your DD x

Thank you. No we aren’t abusive, she was really close to my girls before she left, or she acted like she was. My dad is worried because she would be entitled to half of the house plus half of his earnings and pension ( I think) because she gets DLA from having cancer and ongoing arthritis from the treatment. It’s just so completely out of character, she would have completely scorned someone who acted like she has. My Nan had said she would never let anything come between us after she fell, but we’ve lost her too now it feels like. I just don’t get how someone can change so much, and just not offer any kind of explanation or remorse at treating people how she has 😞

OP posts:

Original poster

user1471481764 · 12/12/2020 15:02

@Bagelsandbrie

For a different perspective.....

I think it’s quite hard to see our own parents as adults and separate from “mum and dad”.

I could contact her but she’s made zero effort to get in touch with any of us, ignored my daughters birthdays and I honestly don’t think I do want a relationship with her. I’d like her to offer some sort of explanation, I mean marriages end and people move on, but what I can’t understand is her indifference to the family she’s left behind and not bothered with. My daughter saw her when she left school (my Nan lives on the same road) and said we miss you nan - she said ‘ok, that’s sad’ and that was that. She’s just so cold and has walked away from everything like she never cared in the first place.

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sofato5miles · 12/12/2020 15:03

Thongs are rarely as black and white as you are saying here. And that is from quite a lot of life experience. I am not saying your mother has acted badly but to so this for the first time at 64, there is something you don't know

sofato5miles · 12/12/2020 15:03

^ not acted badly

Original poster

user1471481764 · 12/12/2020 15:03

@RantyAnty

What a difficult situation for all of you.

Has she been living with this man while she was gone?

I don't think there is much anyone can do as she is an adult. Has your father filed for divorce yet? He probably should at this point as it doesn't look like she's coming back.

Yes, they went and got a caravan a couple of hours away - which is also bizarre as she has always hated caravans!! He is too scared that financially he would be screwed because she could take half of the house and his earnings 😞

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Original poster

user1471481764 · 12/12/2020 15:04

@sofato5miles

Yes, there must be something - just wish I knew what it was

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sofato5miles · 12/12/2020 15:04

So he is concered about the money?

RandomUser18282 · 12/12/2020 15:04

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RandomUser18282 · 12/12/2020 15:05

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Original poster

user1471481764 · 12/12/2020 15:06

Yes, he’s worried about money, he also misses her, they were together from when they were really young and he says he still loves her

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Original poster

user1471481764 · 12/12/2020 15:08

@Handsoffstrikesagain

Your mum would get a big fat ‘fuck off’ from me if she said ‘ok that’s sad’ to my daughter. She sounds vile. What was she like when you were growing up?

She was always lovely to my sister, awful to me. Didn’t even like me coming in the house, I would sit outside in the car and she would come to the door. Would always make excuses about why she was too busy to see me, loved my daughters but was vile to my son, she was very strange and maybe a bit of a narcissist - always better than everyone else, looked down on people, never had any friends really

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Unicant · 12/12/2020 15:08

I can see why you are upset but your mums mum is right... it isnt any of your business and it seems like you are incredibly over involved in it.
Thats not only your fault when your parents have been involving you in it... but its not healthy for you to be trying to sort this out... its between your parents who are adults... you do not know the ins and outs of their relationship... if your mum wants to leave your dad at the end of the day there is absolutely nothing you can or should even try to do about that... for your own emotional health more than anything. Take a step back... if they try and involve you in this anymore say you do not want to know and it is none of your business.

Original poster

user1471481764 · 12/12/2020 15:11

@Unicant I guess I am just holding out hope for some closure. I mean, my youngest is only 4 and every now and then will ask where his Nan is, and I don’t even know what to tell him anymore. My girls are rightly really upset that their Nan has shut them off, and that effectively they now can’t see their great Nan as much because they also find the atmosphere horrible. They are just kids, and as much as I could try to forget and move forwards when it impacts so much on them, I just wish I had something more to give them to help them understand

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pickingdaisies · 12/12/2020 15:14

Sofa why shouldn't be be worried about keeping his home?

VimFuego101 · 12/12/2020 15:15

I think your dad needs to see a solicitor to understand how things would actually be divided up, rather than panicking about the unknown - better to know where things stand.

MitziK · 12/12/2020 15:15

Trying to look at it from a different perspective, I'm wondering whether her version of events could be more 'I've had enough. Cancer, arthritis and an awful marriage. I made a friend, but this was taken as proof of an affair. [Something] happened when my husband saw a post on FB, I left for my own but had constant calls from him and the children all putting pressure on me to come back. I tried, it was horrendous, nothing had changed and he was even worse. On the first occasion I could, I left when it was safe to do so and I had threats of suicide and loads of calls, so changed my number. I had to come back because of my mother having a fall, but my daughters all completely believe their father and wouldn't hear a word against him; I can't tell them exactly what he was doing to me, as they'd not believe it'.

In short, nobody else knows what has happened in a marriage, least of all the children. She might be a horrible person - but she could equally also be somebody who has finally reached the point where she had to make plans for an escape from abuse.

Unicant · 12/12/2020 15:18

It may settle down in time... it may be that your mum can't face the emotional pressure from your dad to return so has distanced herself from the situation. She may feel the family will all pressure her to return to a relationship she doesnt want to be in.
The way your dad is behaving thats kind of understandable from her.
I think you would be well within your rights to just not bother with your mum at the moment since she is not bothering with you... but if you want to salvage the relationship in the future the best thing to do would be to just have patience. Your mums actions are selfish but perhaps they have had to be. Your dads reaction.. altho its understandable he's upset at the end of his relationship.. is incredibly intense.. ringing you every day.. saying he doesn't want to live any more...
Put yourself in your mums shoes and imagine if an ex was doing that to you and if you would try and distance yourself from the whole thing... she doesnt want to be with him. Thats sad.. but he needs to accept it.
Obviously I dont know these people like you do but it sometimes people do end up having to be very selfish to get out of relationships where they are deeply unhappy. If your mum has never done anything like this before I would assume that she just wanted to leave and had to do it like this. Your dad doesn't sound like he was ever going to let her go easily.

picklemewalnuts · 12/12/2020 15:21

So it's an unhealthy dynamic all round. Unfortunately when you've grown up in a family you can't always see the issues.

Your mother is and always has been bad at relationships. There's no reason at all to think she'd make a good gran. After your gran's behaviour, I'd say the same about her.

If- IF- your dad is reasonably normal, and your sister, then just rebuild with them. Ignore the others. Honestly, you can't make them into people who value their relationships. They'll always blow hot and cold and be unreliable.

RandomUser18282 · 12/12/2020 15:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

VanGoghsDog · 12/12/2020 15:22

@pickingdaisies

Sofa why shouldn't be be worried about keeping his home?

Their home. He doesn't own it solely.

Original poster

user1471481764 · 12/12/2020 15:24

@MitziK yes she did have a really rough time, she had to give up work which I can’t imagine would be easy, but she was always pretty emotionally abusive to my dad. He is a bit lazy and selfish - he had cancer too and was depressed for a while - but she used to really put him down. I thought it may be that my sister was too clingy with her, she was pretty much my nans carer, my dad lost motivation, and he isn’t the easiest person. But she had never mentioned even being unhappy,

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