Can’t get my head round what my mother has done

[user1471481764]

Hi,
This is going to be really long, sorry! Just need some thoughts because I feel like I’m going mad.
So earlier this year we found out my mum (64) was having an affair. The bloke had put up a picture of him sitting in my mums car holding her dog. My dad had suspected something - this bloke was leaving inappropriate Facebook comments (she had always hated Facebook) and she’d said he was a friend. Anyway, my dad questioned her about the photo and she denied it, then said she would move out. She did, for 2 days, then went home - she says we forced her back.
Fast forward to the summer, she said bye to my dad, he went to work, then went home to 4 scrawled notes - one for me, my sister, my 14 year old daughter and one for him. They said she’d gone away, she’d be back in a week or so, she wasn’t with anyone else. She told my daughter to look after her grandad 😞 my dad was beside himself, saying he wished he was dead, he couldn’t go on - she turned her phone off and got a secret number which she didn’t give to any of us. Months went by, one day, in August, I went to see my elderly Nan, my mums mum, who had turned against us all because she said what my mum had done was none of our business. She shouted at me, slammed the door in my face and that was that. Overnight she fell, broke her hip and ended up in hospital with hypothermia and we were told she may well die. Mother came over, after my sister and I couldn’t get hold of her so told my uncle. She didn’t speak to either of us - but moved back in with my Nan. She hasn’t told anyone what her plans are, hasn’t spoken to any of the kids, she’s spoken to my sister but that has turned sour now too - things are awful. My dad is too scared to try and talk to her in case she tries to take the house from him and he is so depressed I feel like I can’t cope - every morning he calls me to tell me how shit his life is, that she could do this to him. My babies have lost their Nan and even though we weren’t close, I just don’t know what I did to deserve my own mother shutting me off completely - my sister and I think she is poorly - but whenever I try and search for similar situations, there aren’t any.
There’s more info, like how this bloke has form for getting with women then cheating on them, he lives with his mum, he set up a fb account using my nans surname - he called the police on my sister - it’s all so horrible.
I just don’t understand.

It sounds like your Mum is a very, very selfish woman, unfortunately. She has clearly decided to move on with this new man but is incapable of making a formal split and facing the consequences. It really is unfair to leave her entire family hanging like this.

I really do think the best thing you could do is encourage your Dad to file for a divorce on the grounds of adultery and to help him accept that he will have to sell the house and move on. At the end of the day, if she can move on and continue with life then so can he. It sounds like he is depressed, maybe encourage him to speak to his GP too?

It must be so hard having your Dad on the phone upset every day, nevermind losing contact with your Mum and Nan, but at the end of they day you are all adults, all responsible for your actions and frankly you and your family need to move forward and let your Mum go, for now. You can't stay in this awful limbo forever, just waiting to see what she does, and after the way she's treated you all she doesn't deserve for you all to arrange your lives around what she wants.

Bless you OP. It all sounds so dreadful. I hope you can manage to have some good family time together over Xmas.x.

@Butterymuffin

They just loved her - she did all the fun stuff with them and was their constant while we had some pretty shit times of our own - lost our daughter and had two very poorly babies. She does have a pension, but they had remortgaged (I don’t really understand tbh - cos I agree half of it is hers) but my dad would be left in the position of having very little left, whereas my mum will be ok because she is living rent free with my Nan and will inherit her house when she dies. My dad paid for everything, he is still paying for her car and phone, and until she left, she had access to his account and their joint account, but he had no access to hers 🤷‍♀️

Do not judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

You will find enough people here to agree with you that your mum is basically evil (how they could possibly know from a few lines on the internet only they can say).

But it won't help, because the truth is much harder to come by.

First off as regards your children, there's nothing wrong with saying "I don't know". So don't try to explain why their Nan is doing what she's doing or when she'll be back in their lives. Just simply say "Darling, I'm sorry but I just don't know. But we all still have each other and that's what matters". That may actually be easier for them to accept than some convoluted story or made up excuse.

If your dad has financial concerns, he needs to see a solicitor. But he also needs to remember that his wife of decades is entitled to her share of their joint assets. For good or ill, the reason for the separation has nothing to do with division of assets. Dad needs to know where he stands so he can plan for his future.

Honestly, at least for now you need to take a deep breath and back away. Your mum's going to do what she's going to do and there's nothing you can do about it. Same for your Gran. The best thing to do is just let them get on with it and you get on with your life too.

Sorry, don't have time to read through all the posts, but your dad needs to seek legal advice, maybe start with Citizens advice? He needs to check everything out so he can move on with his life. He has you to support him so just keep reminding him that there is nothing he can do to change the situation, but he does need to protect himself. Good luck x

X-posted with you....

he is still paying for her car and phone, and until she left, she had access to his account and their joint account, but he had no access to hers

If they aren't in his name, he should stop. If they are in his name, to stop paying would reflect on his credit. But he could turn the phone off and I suppose he could get the car back.

My parents divorced when I was 22 after 31 years & I suspect my mum may have had an affair.
My mum left to move into a studio flat one day & dad had no idea it was coming.
But I'd felt that their marriage was on rocky ground for 6 years at least so wasn't shocked, just very hurt at the way my mum did it.

I didn't talk to her for a few months then I sat down & talked to her & basically our relationship got better.

My mum felt guilt for leaving dad like that so she only claimed half the house which she got. But not half my dads private pension & shares.
Now my mum is 71 & poor in her old age while dad is very comfortable. But she raised his children for years.... Dad is generous & has offered her a monthly allowance now as they are now on good speaking terms and both single.
But she's too proud!!

My advice: A marriage takes two to make & two to break.
Affairs are a symptom of a marriage gone wrong.
Advise your dad to see a divorce solicitor & make him understand that the home is a shared entity.., and if your mum gave up work to raise children for a period of time then his pension may need to be shared too.
He may feel upset and also need to speak to a counsellor as divorce is very stressful like a bereavement.

Remember how you feel & how your children feel should not muddy the waters here, don't use any emotional blackmail however tempting it is.

It's probably better that they get divorced now while they are still late middle aged than suffer each other into old age!!

I suspect the “more to this” is that she’s had numerous affairs in the past.

Regardless of the affair she sounds like a horrible person anyway, her cutting you off have essentially paved the way for you to go NC.

I don’t imagine somehow that if it had been the dad who had done this people would be suggesting that she was the difficult one to live with.

If she has narcissistic tendencies she is probably enjoying the fact you all want attention from her and she’s able to say no. I’d bet that if you all just stopped bothering she’d come running back soon enough, and then I’d tell her to fuck off.

This reminds me of my mother's behaviour when she left her husbands for her affair partners. First time round she waited until I had gone on a gap year abroad, went to work one day as normal and then disappeared abroad on a holiday with husband number two. No note, nothing. Left my teenaged sister traumatised. Made no effort to contact any of us. My family basically imploded, my dad had to sell up for the divorce, brother ended up having to move out, I had no home to come back to.

Fast forward another twenty years, did the same thing to husband number two and disappeared again leaving distraught grandchildren wondering where she'd gone. We'd got back in contact after her first bolt via her flying monkeys. Cowards way to deal with things.

I can totally understand the chaos you have been left in. Your dad's concern about his future is very reasonable under the circumstances. Whatever has gone on in their marriage, there are ways to end things and this isn't it. It's very selfish and destructive and despite some posters saying it's none of your business, if it affects you it is your business. Families are interdependent. I think my mother couldn't handle the consequences of her decision so ran away. Is that what yours has done? Unfortunately it may not bode well for her. I no longer have anything to do with my mother, neither do my siblings.

"and will inherit her house when she dies."

Well that's not a given, is it?

But it sounds as if your Dad needs to be looking after himself more-in regards to what he pays & she has access to!

OP, HNRTT but it's almost certain that it's nothing to do with your actions. It might not be the following but have you or a PP thought of it this way?

Most people are the hero in their own life story. When they act really badly, they have to manage the difference between their selfish or bad decisions and behaviour and their need to think of themselves as good. They'll either decide the bad behaviour was justified (often people who behave badly trigger and argument with their DP or child so it's that other parties' fault) or cut off the people who might ask why. It's because they can't answer with anything other than their own pleasure was most important. Your DGM can't agree her daughter acted badly so has managed this conflict by cutting you off.

I'm not saying any of this despicable behaviour is correct, just setting out one possible explanation.

It won't be easy to come to terms with it but it sounds like you've still got contact with most of your family, even though your DF is struggling. It may be over time, your mother wants to reestablish a relationship if you consent.

The best thing you can do is the best thing anyone can do which is to try to make a success of life, enjoy yourself and treat people well.

Good luck.

Rather than trying to fix the relationships and thinking how crap his life is I think your Dad needs to take charge. Why not book an appointment with a solicitor and get a thorough understanding of the money side. Probably taking charge would help him to understand his position and could make him feel better.

No one has to stay in an unhappy marriage. It sounds like she's been unhappy for a while...multiple health problems and a lazy, depressed husband with health issues of his own. Maybe she's reached the limits of what she can cope with...potentially some sort of breakdown.

Having said that, she doesn't sound very nice (treating you and your DS badly, for example) and she's clearly gone about this in a terrible way and been dishonest with your dad, so I'm not surprised you all feel like you do.

I dont know op, from reading your posts I think your family in general sounds a bit low in emotional intelligence.

So your mother has been a bitch to you all your life, but you allowed your children to spend lots of time with her and "idolise" her, even as she was hostile to some of your kids and loving to others (why were you ok with that btw?)... she now continues to behave nastily and your children are hurt? I think the more you say about her, the more it sounds like none of this was massively out of character.

I think the real issue here will be that you and/or your family have been trying to ignore the truth about this woman, hence involving her with your kids and so on. Now the whole family is having to deal with the consequences of ignoring all that.

She has been a nasty sort of person ypur entire life and now she continues to be nasty. Not really surprising is it? She isn't going to be able to explain why she acted this way - it would be like expecting a fish to explain why they swim.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

I really wasn’t ok with it, it really upset me, but it was impossible to find childcare for 3 kids while spending the best part of a year in hospital with our babies and so we took what help we could get - she always made out it was my problem that she didn’t ‘like’ my son, I’d say I have a lot of emotional intelligence to be honest, having been through a lot - but there was probably always that hope that she would change and be nice.

It's very common in dysfunctional families for children to satellite the narcissistic parent hoping for change. I certainly did with my mother until I couldn't take any more of her selfish behaviour and emotional abuse. I was also, like you, the scapegoat and the emotionally intelligent family member. In my case the final break was the best thing that could ever of happened. I went into therapy, sorted out my feelings of guilt and obligation to my parents and ran for the hills! Are you able to access some counselling OP? You can only work on yourself. It's not your job or even possible to sort this mess out or to make sense of it.

Bottom line : for your dad . When another man steals your woman .LET HIM KEEP HER .

No one really knows what is happening in a relationship, and there may have been things you’re unaware of. Your dm was clearly unhappy. However, there was absolutely no excuse for her to cut you and your siblings out of her life. But unfortunately when people have affairs they will isolate themselves from everyone because they feel shame or guilt, and so find it easier to just not have to confront the situation with other family members. I think she will need you one day OP, but you would be within your rights to just keep her out of your life. I don’t think I could ever forgive her. Your father is obviously still very distressed about the split, and he might need some counselling to get himself through it.

I think your DM has had her head turned somewhat .She is in her mid 60s and has suddenly got the attention of a male admirer! There are those who say she is old enough to know better, and theres no fool like an old fool! When people have been married a long time and suddenly act out of character ,they may have had deep seated problems you were unaware of .As far as your DM cutting you off ,it may be because she is ashamed of what she has done and cannot face you .There is not much you can do ATM .=Maybe write her a note to say you miss her and see if she responds .If you do meet up ,try not to dig too deep ,or you may frighten her off.As far as finances go ,your DF does not solely own the house ,your DM would be entitled to take half just the same as if she were divorcing at a younger age .DF couldnt do anything about it .I think it sucks personally ,but maybe DM doesnt want to retire with someone she no longer loves .Many "Silver Splitters" are around now and it is not all that unusual any more sadly .I wish you all the best and hope you can sort things ou with her.

@VimFuego101

I think your dad needs to see a solicitor to understand how things would actually be divided up, rather than panicking about the unknown - better to know where things stand.

I agree - there are so many loose ends here. He really needs to find out where he stands. As things stand at the moment there is possibly nothing to stop her from demanding a divorce and taking everything anyway.

Has she asked him for any money yet? Is it likely that her whatever-he-is will push her to ask for cash?

I don’t imagine somehow that if it had been the dad who had done this people would be suggesting that she was the difficult one to live with.

I agree with this. The mother has behaved appallingly to everyone, and yet there are the usual brigade who are trying to blame it all on her husband . OP you need to encourage your Dad to get the financial side sorted ASAP. I would be steering clear of my mother and my Nan after the way they have behaved, and staying away until they made contact - if they ever do. Of course none of us know all the ins and outs, who has done what etc., but there are much better ways of leaving a marriage than this!

OP has she ever suffered from depression, bi-polar disorder? manic depression? anyone else in the family suffer from mental health problems?

@eaglejulesk

I don’t imagine somehow that if it had been the dad who had done this people would be suggesting that she was the difficult one to live with.

I agree with this. The mother has behaved appallingly to everyone, and yet there are the usual brigade who are trying to blame it all on her husband . OP you need to encourage your Dad to get the financial side sorted ASAP. I would be steering clear of my mother and my Nan after the way they have behaved, and staying away until they made contact - if they ever do. Of course none of us know all the ins and outs, who has done what etc., but there are much better ways of leaving a marriage than this!

Yes - I agree with all of this. There are ways of leaving where you can minimise the hurt you inflict on those around you - and if you’re honest and upfront then no one can say anything. I’ve asked my Nan so many times to ring me when my mum is out and I’ll go round, but she hasn’t once. I agree my dad needs to see a lawyer and sort this out so he can draw a line under it all, or none of us can move forward. He was probably difficult to live with - but so was she.

@VenusTiger

OP has she ever suffered from depression, bi-polar disorder? manic depression? anyone else in the family suffer from mental health problems?

Not that I know of - my dad had depression when he had cancer and had to have a stoma - but my mum was always really level headed and kind of looked down on people who struggled to cope.

OP, I think your Dad is being hugely unfair by pouring out all his hurt and depression to you everyday. That doesn't have to be your role in this situation, it is too much to bear. I had to distance myself from my Dad when my parents divorced, as he lent on me too much and didn't care how it made me feel. My dad got to walk away from our conversations feeling lighter as he so thoroughly offloaded to me, whilst I was left feeling so much anxiety and panic over what he was confiding in me. He didn't care how it made me feel, he still doesn't think he did anything wrong.

Please consider yourself in this situation. It's not fair that you have to support your Dad so much, you should never have been put in this position.