Can’t get my head round what my mother has done

[user1471481764]

Hi,
This is going to be really long, sorry! Just need some thoughts because I feel like I’m going mad.
So earlier this year we found out my mum (64) was having an affair. The bloke had put up a picture of him sitting in my mums car holding her dog. My dad had suspected something - this bloke was leaving inappropriate Facebook comments (she had always hated Facebook) and she’d said he was a friend. Anyway, my dad questioned her about the photo and she denied it, then said she would move out. She did, for 2 days, then went home - she says we forced her back.
Fast forward to the summer, she said bye to my dad, he went to work, then went home to 4 scrawled notes - one for me, my sister, my 14 year old daughter and one for him. They said she’d gone away, she’d be back in a week or so, she wasn’t with anyone else. She told my daughter to look after her grandad 😞 my dad was beside himself, saying he wished he was dead, he couldn’t go on - she turned her phone off and got a secret number which she didn’t give to any of us. Months went by, one day, in August, I went to see my elderly Nan, my mums mum, who had turned against us all because she said what my mum had done was none of our business. She shouted at me, slammed the door in my face and that was that. Overnight she fell, broke her hip and ended up in hospital with hypothermia and we were told she may well die. Mother came over, after my sister and I couldn’t get hold of her so told my uncle. She didn’t speak to either of us - but moved back in with my Nan. She hasn’t told anyone what her plans are, hasn’t spoken to any of the kids, she’s spoken to my sister but that has turned sour now too - things are awful. My dad is too scared to try and talk to her in case she tries to take the house from him and he is so depressed I feel like I can’t cope - every morning he calls me to tell me how shit his life is, that she could do this to him. My babies have lost their Nan and even though we weren’t close, I just don’t know what I did to deserve my own mother shutting me off completely - my sister and I think she is poorly - but whenever I try and search for similar situations, there aren’t any.
There’s more info, like how this bloke has form for getting with women then cheating on them, he lives with his mum, he set up a fb account using my nans surname - he called the police on my sister - it’s all so horrible.
I just don’t understand.

Oops posted too soon - and the kids never did anything except idolise her - that’s what hurts

If there is an explanation, as PP suggested, based around her having had enough you all at least deserve to hear that explanation. It does involve you and it's stupid to say it doesn't. If you haven't wronged her personally nothing excuses her horrible behaviour towards you and your DC. I would forget about her and focus on life without her.

@Doyoumind

I honestly can’t think of anything I could have done. I never put demands on her, was always fairly independent from a young age because we were never close. As much as I could see she wasn’t the nicest, the kids loved her and so I would never have stood in the way of that. I think that is the only solution really, to just move on and leave her to it, and to encourage my dad to do the same

I do think you need to emotionally distance yourself from your mum for a while, it doesn't sound like you had a great relationship anyway.

Your dad should probably consult a solicitor as yes, your mother will probably be entitled to half the house/savings/pensions, regardless of whose "fault" the breakdown of the marriage is. Maybe try to get him to see potential positives of a move - could he downsize and have a bit of money left over? Smaller property = lower bills, that kind of thing. Try to boost him a bit, but do take space and time for yourself OP. It must be very stressful and draining for you

Instead of speculating why she behaves this way, I think you need to find a way to move forward.

She could be feeling like Mitzik's comment or just being a selfish person. If you had written this post with roles reversed, I'm pretty sure posters wouldn't be so willing to excuse that kind of behavior from a man.

But to move forward both you and your dad need to make up your minds if you want any contact going forward. Perhaps getting help with this by a councellor especially for your dad. Make your dad see a lawyer to know where he stands. Step by step working on setting up a new way of life without your mother.

When all of this first came out what were your reactions towards her? Was it very much “mums awful / support Dad” etc etc? Could she have felt pushed out and judged and that you all sided with your dad without giving her a chance? Just looking for explanations for you.

Also, the flip side of the house thing - there could be a post on here from a woman in her 60s saying she had to leave her marriage and move in with her elderly mother and her ex dh is refusing to engage re a divorce or selling the house so she has no access to the martial funds or ability to move on with her life. She would be rightly advised she would be entitled to half the house and to push for this.

Your mother has already given you closure, she doesn't want to speak to you. You say she's never wanted to see you, so no change there. You also say in your OP that your Nan had already 'turned against us'. The fact that she said something different when she wanted someone to look after her after a fall doesn't mean she'd changed how she really thought. Your uncle seemed to know where your mother was, so she's obviously communicating with some of the family, but your dad seems more interested in how dreadful his life is now and blaming her ("how could she do this to me"), while not wanting her to have half the property/money (to which he thinks she's entitled or he wouldn't be quite so worried), rather than actually wanting her back for her own sake. And you seem quite firmly on your dad's side, so why would she want to speak to you? Particularly if you and your sister are behaving in such a way as to make the other man call the police.
Your mother thinks she's found someone who appreciates her more than you all do.
I don't know whether she's right or not but it is certainly her decision to make and she does not owe you an explanation however much you may want one.

Well She sounds like she has always had the potential to be nasty and has mistreated you all your life so I would say this is nothing new.
She is selfish and has dropped your children because she now has a better offer . That is so hurtful to you and your children. But I would not want to rebuild a relationship anyway. She has abused you and your son now ! Don't give her the chance to do it again.
Walk away ! She won't change. So sorry for your hurt. It us v unfair x

It's really none of your business. You must leave those adults to lead their own lives without all this drama.

Of course it is her business when she is hurting the op children !

As others posters have mentioned, it takes a while to see our parents as people beyond their roles of just Mum & Dad.

From what you have said, your mother at just 64yo has survived cancer & now has a resultant disability due to the treatment. Quite likely, she has been living with considerable pain, discomfort, uncertainty & possibly fear. This enough for most people to reflect & reassess the priorities of their life & how they are going to spend what remains of their life. Also, it can be said that some treatments do affect personality & mood, & if this is so it is a matter for your mother to raise with her doctors.

She has struck up a friendship with someone. Maybe it has gone further, maybe not. It sounds as though she’s reconsidering the future of her relationship with your father. They have been together for a very long time & things change. Her mothering journey is complete, you are all grown up & getting on with your own families.

When you have asked her how she is, what is going on in her life, can you truly say that you have listened to what she has said?

The family house is theirs, not his alone. If they divorce, there are prescribed formulas & considerations to determine how the joint assets are distributed. A family law solicitor will provide your family with useful advice.
If that is your father’s only concern, then I am not surprised that your mother is disenchanted.
If your father is struggling to cope, then he needs to speak with his GP. If his distress or neediness are stressing you out, then you need to speak to his GP to get him help & to your GP to get some support for yourself.

Sound wise comments from @Unicant @MitziK

@forgetthehousework

He called the police because my sister had seen him going into my nans house at 11pm. My Nan had said to my sister she didn’t want him in the house, plus - covid - so my sister rang the house and asked to speak to my Nan to tell her my mother was sneaking the man in when we were told she didn’t want that. They have Obviously panicked that my nan was about to find out. They then told the police they were a legitimate support bubble - when my nan knew nothing about it in her own home. I’d say she does owe some kind of communication at least - whether or not that is to say I no longer want a relationship with any of you, including the kids.

A couple of things occurred to me.
Do you look a lot like your dad? Maybe you and your DC are a physical reminder of your dad.
Is the new man controlling? Does he want your DM to distance herself from you?

@Viviennemary I would respectfully disagree. As a nan, she would ask me to have the girls, would spend a lot of time with them - for them to have been treated like this, because let’s face it how can you treat an 11 and 14 year old like that, they aren’t adults with the capacity to understand why their Nan has dropped them, ignored birthdays, and effectively cut them out of her life.

What a viper your Mother is... it's all about her right..

I'd cut her off.

@MrsMoastyToasty

A couple of things occurred to me. Do you look a lot like your dad? Maybe you and your DC are a physical reminder of your dad. Is the new man controlling? Does he want your DM to distance herself from you?

My kids are all the image of their dad and I think I look like my mum 😂😂 yes, I think he is controlling, because there is no way she would have dropped the girls ever before.

It sounds as if both of your parents have been through the mill healthwise.

You say that your dad is lazy, selfish & not easy, so although she has gone about it in a pretty bad way, it's probably not a surprise that she wants to leave.

You need to be helping your kids to deal with how she has treated/is treating them.

@diddl

I have been, with it coming up to Christmas they are feeling it more and I’m out of explanations because I actually don’t understand myself. Her original note to my eldest it promised she would be back and was still her Nan, but that was 8 months ago and she’s far from ‘back’ - they are pretty resilient kids, i just can’t answer their questions

I think poster up thread is right, you need to work out what of this you can control and what you can’t. You can’t control how your mum, nan and dad behave but you can control how you respond. Maybe think through what you’d say to them when they next get in touch. How long is it since your mum left? If months, I’d assume that, yes, the marriage is over and yes she will want/need access to half of the assets because they are hers. So maybe consider how much you do/n’t want to be involved with supporting/organising that for either parent.

With Nan id back right off anything to do with your parents. Just try, if you want, to rebuild your own relationship with her.

I’d leave the door open to your mum but you don’t have to. Maybe a text to say something to that effect then the ball is in her court.

Is probably screen your dads calls a bit more and limit the dwelling time - you need to think of your own well-being too.

@GaryTheDemon

I think poster up thread is right, you need to work out what of this you can control and what you can’t. You can’t control how your mum, nan and dad behave but you can control how you respond. Maybe think through what you’d say to them when they next get in touch. How long is it since your mum left? If months, I’d assume that, yes, the marriage is over and yes she will want/need access to half of the assets because they are hers. So maybe consider how much you do/n’t want to be involved with supporting/organising that for either parent.

With Nan id back right off anything to do with your parents. Just try, if you want, to rebuild your own relationship with her.

I’d leave the door open to your mum but you don’t have to. Maybe a text to say something to that effect then the ball is in her court.

Is probably screen your dads calls a bit more and limit the dwelling time - you need to think of your own well-being too.

Yes, you are right - thank you

So your mother has a long history of treating you badly and treating your son badly and now your dad and girls are on her shit list too?

Dump the bitch.

Judge people by their behaviour towards you rather than speculating on the state of their relationships with other people.

It doesn't really matter whether your mother's affair may have had some "justification" or not and posters speculating about this are unhelpful. The reality is that she is behaving badly towards you and that is what you need to react to and deal with.

@Eleganz

Judge people by their behaviour towards you rather than speculating on the state of their relationships with other people.

It doesn't really matter whether your mother's affair may have had some "justification" or not and posters speculating about this are unhelpful. The reality is that she is behaving badly towards you and that is what you need to react to and deal with.

Yes to this. I don’t think there’s ever a justification for treating people badly. The affair was never my issue, she’s entitled to leave if she’s not happy - but never justified to treat people like they are disposable. This makes total sense, thank you x

and the kids never did anything except idolise her - that’s what hurts

Why did they idolise her so much? Did she make a big fuss of them? But while not paying attention to your son?

Think the best you can do now is try to let them down gently and say sometimes people change and we can't always understand why.

Regardless of fault, she is entitled to a split of assets from her marriage to your dad. As pp have said encourage him to get counselling and financial advice. The 'could take half his pension' bit - well, at their ages, if he had one and she didn't, and had taken time out for child raising, that's not necessarily unfair.

Sounds to me that your dad constantly ringing to share his misery with you must be having an effect on you and your kids. It's keeping it an ongoing drama and uppermost in everyone's thoughts, when really you should be looking for ways to get past it and get a sense of resolution. It sounds like that won't come from her, so you should look for ways to generate it yourself. Your dad taking some control of the situation would probably help - he should get a lawyer and sort out his finances for a start.