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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Narcissistic bf won’t leave

102 replies

Skymum16 · 12/12/2020 13:23

Me and my boyfriend had a row last night, and today he is being a nasty prick. He’s got a foul temper and I’ve always thought he has narcissistic tendencies. Both of us were in the wrong last night but everything is my fault, he winds me up and is so vile to me until I snap, then he films my reaction to make me look bad.
Today he is calling me a nasty c*nt and a pathetic piece of shit, telling my 4yo daughter I’m a disgusting parent, saying things like ‘look how nasty mummy is’, ‘mummy’s a horrible person’, telling me he’s going to report me to social services etc etc. Confiscating everything he owns, like the Apple TV and even stuff in the fridge that he bought.... Basically just being vile! I don’t want to be with him anymore and I’ve told him that.

I own the house, he pays me half the mortgage each month but we have no written contract. He’s refusing to leave and says he has the right to stay but where do I stand with this?! I need him gone, he’s being so vile and I don’t want my daughter around this horrible behaviour. Help please!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/12/2020 13:24

He has no right to be there if you're not married and it's not his house.

Wait until he goes out and change the locks. Does he work outside the house?

Original poster
Skymum16 · 12/12/2020 13:26

We’re not married and my daughter isn’t his. He’s furloughed at the moment so isn’t working, and I don’t think he’s going out today. I don’t know what to do! He said he’s going to stay until he can save up to move but he can jog on if he thinks that!

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 12/12/2020 13:28

He has no right to be there. Which means he's basically an intruder now. You could call the police to get him removed. You have every right to. Would you be willing to do that?

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 12/12/2020 13:28

WTH?? Of course he doesn’t have a right to stay in your house that you own.

Tell him to go, today.

If he doesn’t, call the police tomorrow and they will remove him.

Sparklfairy · 12/12/2020 13:29

I mean, depending on how much you want to escalate this, you're within your rights to simply call the police and have him removed. He has no right to be there at all.

Prior to that, you could simply say, you have until e.g. tonight/tomorrow 5pm to get your stuff and move out or I'll have the police remove you. Either he'll go or he'll test you, so you'll have to stick with it. It's the nuclear option but sometimes it's the only way to deal with these types of people.

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 12/12/2020 13:29

In fact call the police tonight if he hasn’t gone.

Get him out of your life and away from your daughter!

Sexnotgender · 12/12/2020 13:30

He sounds nasty. Do you have any large friends who could assist with him leaving?

sameday2021 · 12/12/2020 13:30

Isn't it a bit dangerous for her to make the police threats? That might tip him over the edge. Is it not better to wait until he goes out and have the locks changed?

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 12/12/2020 13:31

Most likely he'll change his tune and act all lovely if he thinks you mean it about calling the police. So be prepared and be strong.

Original poster
Skymum16 · 12/12/2020 13:31

I honestly can’t believe this, I really thought we were perfect together. He said he’s going to completely fuck me over. Last night when we got home he carried my daughter into the house and slammed the door behind him knowing full well I didn’t have a key on me!
He’s being so lovely to her, giving her cuddles and chocolate whilst whispering about what a mean mummy I am and how nasty I am and telling her I’m ruining Christmas.
I’ve shut me and her in the bedroom but I don’t know what to do now.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 12/12/2020 13:32

That was an X post and not a reply to the point about him being dangerous. If you think he could be violent, you want to plan your actions carefully.

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 12/12/2020 13:32

You don’t need to tell him that you plan to call the police if needed.

Just tell him to leave within a reasonable time (like 8 hours) and if he doesn’t, then you call them.

Hoppinggreen · 12/12/2020 13:33

You call the police and tell them you are in the bedroom with your daughter and he refuses to leave nd you are scared of him
You are not married and it’s your house, he has no rights at all

Original poster
Skymum16 · 12/12/2020 13:33

I don’t think he’ll be violent. He’s just a narcissist and a manipulative prick!

OP posts:
Divebar · 12/12/2020 13:33

I feel like you need some back-up. You need a calm ( but preferably quite solid) looking friend / friends to visit and calmly relay the fact they need to leave. Have you got family that could help with this or could take your DD out while this conversation happens. Failing that you can call the police and say they’ve been asked to leave but are refusing. They won’t thrown him out but could come around and be available while he gets his belongings out. As an aside - throwing him out is the protective act as far as protecting your child is concerned.

HollowTalk · 12/12/2020 13:34

@Hoppinggreen

You call the police and tell them you are in the bedroom with your daughter and he refuses to leave nd you are scared of him You are not married and it’s your house, he has no rights at all
Do this. If you are too scared to come out of your own bedroom then you need to call the police.

Does he have family or friends he can go to?

Tbf I would repay the last month's rent (once he's gone.)

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 12/12/2020 13:34

You could text him a deadline to be out by? So you don't need to leave the room.

He's vile - I'm sorry for this wake up call you're having.

Divebar · 12/12/2020 13:35

I’ve just seen your update - call the police

RhubarbTea · 12/12/2020 13:35

You need to call the police and get him removed. Doing so will also help you later if he decides to make a malicious complaint to social services. Please do this. And is there anyone you can call to come and stay with you tonight as well? The moment he is gone get the locks changed. It's YOUR house! He has zero right to be there.

Please be careful as leaving an abuser (which he is) can be the most dangerous time, when they sense they are losing control they can become violent, sometimes seriously. Please please give the police a call.

CodenameVillanelle · 12/12/2020 13:35

He's being abusive. You can call the police and explain you're scared of him (you are) he's abusing your daughter emotionally (he is) and he has no right to be there (he doesn't)
Just do it

Original poster
Skymum16 · 12/12/2020 13:37

I’m trying to get hold of a friend to go round to hers for a bit and talk to them about it, I feel like they’d know what to do in this situation!
He’s got recordings of me saying horrible things to him and is saying he’s going to fuck me over with them, but I’ve just got to the point of being so fed up with being manipulated and him being nasty to me that I just snapped!

OP posts:
Chunkyetfunky90 · 12/12/2020 13:37

Another poster saying tell him you want him to leave as a op suggested above give him a time frame if he hasn’t gone phone the police, do you have family that can come and wait with you until he goes ?

Original poster
Skymum16 · 12/12/2020 13:38

He said if I call the police he’ll get me arrested for domestic violence.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 12/12/2020 13:38

I think you should call the police too and get him permanently removed from the house. My dad 'kidnapped' me when I was little and locked me in the house with him, and my mum out. I was terrified.

80sColourfulChristmas · 12/12/2020 13:38

I'm a bit confused as to why you're so against calling the police to have him removed. Surely that's the easiest, quickest option???

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