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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Narcissistic bf won’t leave

102 replies

Skymum16 · 12/12/2020 13:23

Me and my boyfriend had a row last night, and today he is being a nasty prick. He’s got a foul temper and I’ve always thought he has narcissistic tendencies. Both of us were in the wrong last night but everything is my fault, he winds me up and is so vile to me until I snap, then he films my reaction to make me look bad.
Today he is calling me a nasty c*nt and a pathetic piece of shit, telling my 4yo daughter I’m a disgusting parent, saying things like ‘look how nasty mummy is’, ‘mummy’s a horrible person’, telling me he’s going to report me to social services etc etc. Confiscating everything he owns, like the Apple TV and even stuff in the fridge that he bought.... Basically just being vile! I don’t want to be with him anymore and I’ve told him that.

I own the house, he pays me half the mortgage each month but we have no written contract. He’s refusing to leave and says he has the right to stay but where do I stand with this?! I need him gone, he’s being so vile and I don’t want my daughter around this horrible behaviour. Help please!

OP posts:
Besom · 12/12/2020 13:38

You could phone womens aid for advice/support also. It's verbal, emotional and abuse of your propery so they will take that seriously.

80sColourfulChristmas · 12/12/2020 13:39

@Skymum16

He said if I call the police he’ll get me arrested for domestic violence.
On what grounds?! He would need police reports PROVING you've beaten him up! The police have heard it all before
TeaStory · 12/12/2020 13:40

Please call the police, now. Tell them what you’ve told us - he’s abusing you and abusing your daughter. Make sure he leaves any keys he has, but be prepared to change the locks anyway.

user1936863452 · 12/12/2020 13:40

He is abusive.

Coercive control is a crime.

Call the police.

TwentyViginti · 12/12/2020 13:41

@Skymum16

He said if I call the police he’ll get me arrested for domestic violence.
Oh ffs stop pandering to this twat and his lame threats. Protect your daughter from playing piggy in the middle to you and your fucked up shag you've moved into her home
TeaStory · 12/12/2020 13:41

He can’t “have you arrested”. Tell the police about the abuse you’ve suffered at his hands, including the way he hurts you and hurts you then records your reaction. The domestic abuse teams have seen it all before.

CrapDogOwner · 12/12/2020 13:42

Police would be a good call - he's being abusive towards both of you. The police will remove him from your house.

CodenameVillanelle · 12/12/2020 13:42

Just call them. They won't arrest you without evidence. It's your house and he will be removed.

user1936863452 · 12/12/2020 13:42

Look, he's behaving like a textbook abuser. Stop all the narcissism bullshit and just focus on the fact he is committing coercive control.

That's what all the threats are about. Controlling you.

YukoandHiro · 12/12/2020 13:43

Based on your last update, call the police, get him removed based on threatening you and change the locks ASAP

Weirdfan · 12/12/2020 13:44

I agree you need to speak to the police OP, tell them it's your house, you've split up and he's being threatening and verbally abusive in front of your 4 year old child. Ask them to remove him as he won't leave your home voluntarily and you and DD are scared, and say nothing at all to him until they show up. You're doing the right thing staying away from him in the bedroom, is there anyone you could call to come and wait with you for the police?

PatchworkElmer · 12/12/2020 13:44

Call. The. Police. I’d tell them he’s threatening to have you arrested, too.

YukoandHiro · 12/12/2020 13:44

Call the police and tell them he's threatened violence - they will be there quickly. Do you have a male friend who can come round while you're calling?

VettiyaIruken · 12/12/2020 13:45

So what if you said nasty things?
Unless those things were for example genuine threats to kill someone, I highly doubt anyone will give a shit.

It's not his child so he's got no leverage there. It's not his house and you're not married so there's not much he can do there. (Might need to formally evict if it's considered a tenancy - or might not - but you need to get advice from the cab or someone to see what if any rights he has re notice period)

I'm not sure you leaving your home is the best idea unless you are afraid he may hurt you and even then, phoning the police to have him removed would be better. Once he's out it's easier to bag up his stuff and change the locks and then deal with whatever he may do (if anything) once he can't physically enter the house.

endofthelinefinally · 12/12/2020 13:46

Do not leave your home. There is every chance he will lock you out.
Ask the police to remove him, refund him one month's rent with witnesses present.
Change your locks.
Inform school / nursery that bf is not allowed access to your child.
Where is your child's father in all this?

VettiyaIruken · 12/12/2020 13:47

@Skymum16

He said if I call the police he’ll get me arrested for domestic violence.
Have you assaulted him?
Weirdfan · 12/12/2020 13:52

And no he can't 'have you arrested' when the police arrive, even if you had done something he could report the police will still make him leave because it's your house. The worst that can happen is he reports you after he's left and that will look far less believable if you've already had him removed for being abusive. I doubt whatever recordings he has would be enough for the CPS to let the police charge you with anything and without evidence of physical injury it's highly unlikely he'll get anywhere. Don't let him hold you to ransom over something which doesn't carry nearly as much weight as he's making out, it's a classic abusers trick designed to keep you in line, that's all.

HollowTalk · 12/12/2020 13:53

Were you actually making threats against him, though, in any recordings or messages?

LilyLongJohn · 12/12/2020 13:53

Call the police. Get him out of your house.

He's going to do some real emotional damage to your daughter, you need him away from her ASAP

He can try all these things, doesn't mean anyone will take any notice or act on it. As for the recordings, people aren't stupid and realise that there are always two sides to every story

maadlady · 12/12/2020 13:54

If you can go on Refuge website or call their 24 hr helpline. 0808 2000 247. They will advise you. Lot's of love to you and your little one

Sparklfairy · 12/12/2020 13:57

He's trying to scare you into submission.

Just laugh at him and say, ok, we'll let the police decide. It's my house and you have no right to be here.

I've been in this situation OP, faced with calling the police, it feels dramatic and like there's no going back, but you have to. Just bite the bullet and get it over with.

Sparklfairy · 12/12/2020 13:59

These narcissistic types are so laughingly arrogant, they genuinely believe they can manipulate the police into believing anything they tell them.

So convinced are they of their 'specialness' and superior intellect, they forget the police have seen it all before and are wise to whatever tricks they try and pull.

Call the police OP.

wirldsgonemad · 12/12/2020 14:00

Op , I have been in your situation but I'm now free. My narc ex refused to leave, I asked him continuously for about 8 months. He kept making out that he had a right to live there because he'd done work on the house. I phoned 101 for advice, explained my situation, asked if I had the right to kick him out and could the police help to enforce it. They said 'we're sending someone around for a chat' I thought that was very helpful considering I only wanted a steer on what rights I had. 2 police officers turned up and were asking about his behaviour, I told them everything. I didn't realise but they had a body camera on and at the end on the conversation they said they were arresting him for coercive control as soon as he got home from work. I said, I was only asking for advice, they said they were arresting him whether I agreed or not. They ambushed him, locked him up for the night and questioned him. When he got out he cane home and said ok, I've got no right to be here, give me a few weeks to find somewhere. I allowed him that because he wasn't violent. He left just before lockdown. Honestly I've been so happy since he went. You should tell him you're going out for a walk or shopping, go to the police station. Make a statement. Make sure you mention that he is also blackmailing you with recordings, that's another offence right there. They'll arrest him, change the locks, block. Good luck.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 12/12/2020 14:00

Well if he reports you for abuse they would surely tell him to get somewhere safe from you? Not tell him at stay in the house that YOU own... No logic to his threats op. Lock yourself and dd safe in geh bathroom and ring them. Tell them he refuses to leave and you are fearful...

2bazookas · 12/12/2020 14:01

He does not have the right to be there; he is not a tenant, just an abusive guest who refuses to leave.

Call the police and tell them he is filming his abuse of you , locking you outside so he can be alone inside with DC aged 4, plying her with bribes and sweet talk and filthy verbal abuse of her mother. That alone is a VERY urgent safeguarding issue for your child.

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