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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Narcissistic bf won’t leave

102 replies

Skymum16 · 12/12/2020 13:23

Me and my boyfriend had a row last night, and today he is being a nasty prick. He’s got a foul temper and I’ve always thought he has narcissistic tendencies. Both of us were in the wrong last night but everything is my fault, he winds me up and is so vile to me until I snap, then he films my reaction to make me look bad.
Today he is calling me a nasty c*nt and a pathetic piece of shit, telling my 4yo daughter I’m a disgusting parent, saying things like ‘look how nasty mummy is’, ‘mummy’s a horrible person’, telling me he’s going to report me to social services etc etc. Confiscating everything he owns, like the Apple TV and even stuff in the fridge that he bought.... Basically just being vile! I don’t want to be with him anymore and I’ve told him that.

I own the house, he pays me half the mortgage each month but we have no written contract. He’s refusing to leave and says he has the right to stay but where do I stand with this?! I need him gone, he’s being so vile and I don’t want my daughter around this horrible behaviour. Help please!

OP posts:
NovemberR · 12/12/2020 19:38

He has no right to remain. Nor any claim on the property.

Phone the police. Put your DDs needs first, for once. And don't take up with dickheads when you've got a small child.

He’s got a foul temper and I’ve always thought he has narcissistic tendencies.

What on earth were you doing allowing him to move into your DDs home?

User1225 · 12/12/2020 20:41

My ex used to wind me up and then film my reaction. He always wanted ‘proof’ of how vile I was apparently. I reported it to the police but they weren’t interested. He reported me social services-completely malicious report. The social worker found him filming me extremely disturbing and didn’t like his behaviour at all. Especially as he was a school teacher. My advice is block from being able to contact you and change the locks x

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 12/12/2020 20:46

@Skymum16

He said if I call the police he’ll get me arrested for domestic violence.
He's just trying to scare you. If you don't want to call the police for fear of him overhearing then text a friend, quick explanation and ask them to call and get the police to your house.
Marmozet · 12/12/2020 20:49

What's happening now?

Fedup21 · 12/12/2020 20:55

Have you rung the police-you need some support to get him out.

wewereliars · 12/12/2020 22:08

Belle 24 any right to ownership of a property depends on legal ownership, ie who's on the ownership deeds. A right to occupy the matrimonial home exists only where parties are married. Please do not spread incorrect information.

Dinosaur19 · 12/12/2020 22:23

Hope you’re ok OP

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 12/12/2020 22:26

There's nothing on the link to say that 2 years together creates any sort of special circumstance. Confused

Absolutely awful what this guy is doing to the DD. And who knows what she's had to deal with with him already. I suspect, OP, that you're too in tune with what he thinks and says and not in tune enough with your rights and exactly how bad an effect he's having on your DD. Don't let him talk you out of your concerns here. You want to get away from him, you want a safe house for your DD. You need help to get that. Those are the important facts here.

DeeCeeCherry · 12/12/2020 22:31

Don't tell him you're calling the police. Just call the police so they turn up unexpectedly and put this nasty fucker out. Not the sort of trash to have in your home or life at all. & Your poor daughter doesn't need this piece of shit man around at all. Get mates or family to stay with you for a bit if you can. Please tell the police that he films you, too. & Tell them you're scared he'll hang around. Bullies like this need their comeuppance, my non-pc head just wants a man to give them the smack in the jaw that they deserve, and likely would run off weeping as they can only bully women. Cowards.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 12/12/2020 22:34

I lived in exes house. We had dc together.. I still left without entitlement after more than 2 years. You have made your dd very open to abuse op.. Get him out.

Techway · 12/12/2020 22:37

@wewereliars, thank you for making it very clear.

@Belle24, are you outside of the UK? As no such legal rights exist in the UK. The op has said he is not on the deeds and there is no formal agreement so he has less rights than a lodger.

Figgygal · 12/12/2020 22:37

Hope you’ve got him out of your house op

wewereliars · 12/12/2020 22:43

I am not a conveyancing or family law expert but have been a solicitor for many years. Misunderstanding around unmarried cohabitee rights is rife. It should be taught in school.

Throwntothewolves · 12/12/2020 23:09

He has no right to be there as it's your home in your name only and you're not married. Even if he was your child's father, he still wouldn't have the right to live there under those circumstances.

Your options are:

  1. Give him a timescale to leave,
  2. Call the police and have them remove him,
  3. Wait til he goes out then change the locks. You need to be prepared to call the Police when he returns though if he kicks off,
Or
  1. What so many do in your situation; calm down, feel bad, tell yourself you were being unreasonable and he's not that bad really, let him stay. Then wait for the next time it happens. If this is the outcome he will learn each time that you won't do anything and he can do what he wants. Get rid now because it won't get better
AdoraBell · 12/12/2020 23:30

Definitely call the police but do not tell him.

AnneElliott · 12/12/2020 23:36

Agree with everyone else that you should call the police. They will have dealt with this before and their first way will be 'whose house is this?' And they will tell him to leave.

Then you can change the locks.

ktp100 · 12/12/2020 23:57

You need to call either family or Police and get him removed from the house then replace locks.

Put your daughter first. She doesn't need to be around that.

hadesinahalfahell · 13/12/2020 01:10

@Belle124

How long have you been together? As far as I’m aware, he will have the same or similar rights to your house after 2 years of living together even if he is not on the mortgage.
I wish people would stop spouting bullshit like this.
wirldsgonemad · 13/12/2020 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CaraDuneRedux · 13/12/2020 10:27

I fear OP will not be back - abusive BF has done a classic DARVO on her and convinced her if she goes to the police she'll be the one in trouble.

In reality she won't be, of course - the police have the power to remove the abusive shit from her house.

But OP, sadly, like all abused women, isn't living in reality, she's living inside a weird mental state created by her abuser and her own fear (and the fear of course is real, even if the screwed up story he's created isn't).

OP if you ever make it back to this thread:
The police can and will help.
He won't succeed in turning it round on you.
You need to kick him out for your own and your DD's safety and mental well being.
He has no legal rights to your house - at most legally speaking he has been a lodger, and lodgers can be kicked out with minimal notice.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 13/12/2020 12:58

And I'll add to the excellent pp by Cara:
it is serious enough to involve the police.

jess3817 · 13/12/2020 13:24

Hope you have called the police OP

TragedyHands · 13/12/2020 14:08

Protect your daughter, he is abusing her and you still don't call Police.

YukoandHiro · 14/12/2020 10:47

Are you ok OP?