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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend was having an affair!

91 replies

Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 07:16

My best friend has been having an affair with an old friend, there was talk of leaving their spouses and living together!
The affair came out as a phone was looked at and messages were found.
I knew about the affair and tried repeatedly to tell her to end things and work on her marriage.
Now her husband is blaming me saying I should have told him or stopped it?!
! I know affairs are wrong as my ex cheated on me and our marriage ended but I’m a little confused as to how I could have stopped it? She was my best friend and my loyalty was with her.
Advice please.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 11/12/2020 07:21

Back away?

Why the fuck is he blaming you? Your not the one who cheated

depopsa · 11/12/2020 07:24

You made a choice, right? Agree you couldn't have stopped her but you could have told hm. You chose to stand by your friend and now he's angry, which can't be surprising. Is it a problem he's mad at you?

SnuggyBuggy · 11/12/2020 07:27

He's obviously angry now it's come out and it's irrelevant whether you were right or wrong not to tell him right now. This isn't your mess, your friend made her decision to cheat. I'd just give this man space.

SantasNoReal · 11/12/2020 07:32

He’s angry because he feels the last to know.
You’re seen as a friend of the affair now, not a friend of their marriage.
I’m not sure what the right thing to do is in these circumstances, I would certainly want to be told. But there needs to be some understanding - this guy is in pain but you knew all along.

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 07:32

Yep I’ve apologised for my part in it and am now giving them space.
Thank you for your reply

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 07:35

He’s calling me a slag! I’ve never cheated on anyone!
I get that he’s angry obviously, I was when I found out my ex was cheating but I blamed him and the woman not anyone else and people at his work knew!

OP posts:
Gigheimer · 11/12/2020 07:37

You made a choice not to tell him, he has a right to be angry at you for that.

He does not have the right to be calling you nasty names. Just cut them both out.

SnuggyBuggy · 11/12/2020 07:38

Block/avoid him. Nothing good will come from interacting with him right now. This is between him and his wife.

whatwouldyoudo85 · 11/12/2020 07:38

He is probably angry and humiliated and lashing out at others as a result. Not great behaviour from him and calling you a slag is seriously not on. Just ignore him and don't engage, this is between the two of them and it's not your fault your friend had an affair.

ClaireP20 · 11/12/2020 07:40

@Loopy2020

He’s calling me a slag! I’ve never cheated on anyone! I get that he’s angry obviously, I was when I found out my ex was cheating but I blamed him and the woman not anyone else and people at his work knew!
He sounds like a dickhead, no-wonder she had an affair!
ClaireP20 · 11/12/2020 07:41

Block them both OP. Have nothing more to do with either of them.

Malteserlover50 · 11/12/2020 07:43

I think your in a no win situation here. If you told him your friend would have fell out with you, you haven’t told him and now he has fallen out with you.

If they reconcile be prepared for your friend to distance herself from you. Her husband is looking for someone to blame and unfortunately he seems (at the moment anyway) he is blaming you rather than his wife.

MrsBobDylan · 11/12/2020 07:48

Your friend has involved you in this mess and been unfaithful to her spouse. She doesn't seem like a very good friend and has managed to destroy not only her marriage but her friendship too.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 11/12/2020 07:54

@Loopy2020

He’s calling me a slag! I’ve never cheated on anyone! I get that he’s angry obviously, I was when I found out my ex was cheating but I blamed him and the woman not anyone else and people at his work knew!
He's a misogynist.
CrazyToast · 11/12/2020 08:17

Just don't respond and keep away. He sounds wonderful.

SimplyRadishing · 11/12/2020 08:21

Wtf?
I would block them both.
Where is your friend in all this? Does she realise her husband is verbally abusing you.

HiyaCathyy · 11/12/2020 08:24

It’s not an excuse to be verbally abusive but I’m guessing he feels a bit humiliated? Always a horrible feeling being the last to know you’ve been betrayed. I would, as others have said, back away from the whole situation.

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 08:27

@CrazyToast I think she’s all about protecting herself at the moment and I don’t think she’s defending me! I don’t think our friendship will survive this
Thanks for your reply

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 08:29

@Malteserlover50
I think I now know our friendship won’t survive this and it makes me a little sad x

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 08:30

@SimplyRadishing
Yes she’s telling me what he says about me!
Maybe if he’s blaming me too it takes some heat from her
Thanks for your reply

OP posts:
PrincessNutNutRoast · 11/12/2020 08:33

[quote Loopy2020]@SimplyRadishing
Yes she’s telling me what he says about me!
Maybe if he’s blaming me too it takes some heat from her
Thanks for your reply[/quote]
She isn't your friend and he's a misogynist. Fuck them both off to sort their own lives out, you aren't their confessional priest or emotional punchbag.

Divebar · 11/12/2020 08:34

This is a ridiculous situation. I have no idea how he knows that you know but he’s seriously deluded if he thinks his wife’s friend s are going to drop her in it. I understand that many mumsnetters would have but I’m not sure I would expect that in real life.

Dontjudgeme101 · 11/12/2020 08:35

She’s no friend at all. You deserve better than that.

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 08:39

@Divebar she told him I’ve known all along but our other friends didn’t know (but they did) so I’m the only one getting shit!
Thanks for your reply

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 11/12/2020 08:39

He’s calling me a slag! I’ve never cheated on anyone! well, not hard to see how she ended up having an affair is it?

I would suggest at this point that she has the opportunity to leave this relationship while emotions are still running high, she doesn’t have to leave for OM, but she now has an out.