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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friend was having an affair!

91 replies

Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 07:16

My best friend has been having an affair with an old friend, there was talk of leaving their spouses and living together!
The affair came out as a phone was looked at and messages were found.
I knew about the affair and tried repeatedly to tell her to end things and work on her marriage.
Now her husband is blaming me saying I should have told him or stopped it?!
! I know affairs are wrong as my ex cheated on me and our marriage ended but I’m a little confused as to how I could have stopped it? She was my best friend and my loyalty was with her.
Advice please.

OP posts:
Craftycorvid · 11/12/2020 08:39

I’m sorry, OP, but sadly you have lost this friendship - and been placed in an invidious position between two people. It’s grim knowing something about one half of a couple that affects the other and your friend shouldn’t have confided. It puts you in the position of keeping secrets and thereby colluding, outing her and risking all hell breaking loose from both parties or stepping away. I’d step away!

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 08:41

@PrincessNutNutRoast
I don’t know what a misogynist is?
Thanks for your reply x

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 08:42

@Craftycorvid

Yes you’re right! I can’t win!
Thanks for your reply

OP posts:
Divebar · 11/12/2020 08:42

*@Loopy2020

I would have done the same thing - clearly she was not deserving of your loyalty.

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 08:44

@AlternativePerspective I think she’s panicking and hanging on to the marriage cos she’s scared of the alternative.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 11/12/2020 08:50

Is he blaming you for not saying, or is she simply saying that? Have you spoken to him? They do say that in war truth is the first casualty. It may not be war but in any sort of conflict you need to be careful of what you believe.

He may have blamed you he may not. If he did it may just be the anger/pain coming out and may be gone now. (When I was giving birth I told my DH I hated him for doing this to be and I'd never let him near me again. Once the babies were born it was all forgotten)

On the whole though its not your issue and may be worth stepping back from them both.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/12/2020 08:57

If their marriage fails it’s not on you-it’s on her for having an affair-and as for her telling him only you know, I would defend that and tell him she has told everyone. That might e him stop and think how unfair he is being to you.

PaterPower · 11/12/2020 08:58

Yes, he’s wrong to call you a slag but some PPs should cut this guy some slack. He’s feeling humiliated and is lashing out. That doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person or, in normal circumstances, a misogynist.

There are plenty of posters on here that slag all men off on the basis of one man cheating on them. I don’t see them getting corrected very often or being called out for being “misandrist” - if you really have to attach a label to it.

OP - you know your “friend” has lied to him about the affair and about who knew. You really can’t know what else she’s been saying about you to him. It sounds to me like she’s painted you as the one that led her astray and colluded with the affair; possibly even that you encouraged her.

ShalomToYouJackie · 11/12/2020 09:03

Did he call you a slag directly or is your 'friend' telling you he called you that?

If it's the latter she's a shit friend.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 11/12/2020 09:04

he’s wrong to call you a slag but some PPs should cut this guy some slack. He’s feeling humiliated and is lashing out. That doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person or, in normal circumstances, a misogynist

It's wrong to be a misogynist, but here are the situations in which people should act like it's ok to be a misogynist...

No. Fuck that noise. You do not weaponise someone's sex any more than you would weaponise their race. It is no more acceptable to call her a slag than it would be to call her a racist name. We will never make any headway with misogyny as long as we maintain a list of times when it's ok really (which is exactly what you're doing when you complain about people calling it out).

If you weaponise womanhood with sexist slurs, you are a misogynist. Don't like that? Change your behaviour.

LuckyNumberThirteen · 11/12/2020 09:06

You poor thing. Of course your loyalty was to your best friend. Why wouldn't it be?? He's angry and needs someone to project that angry on to.

I hope your best friend shows you the same loyalty. How shite!

I'm in a similar situation, though the affair is currently off, and no one found out (that I know of).

dottiedodah · 11/12/2020 09:07

I think you would be better off without her if this is what shes like! Trying to deflect blame on to you .You have done nothing wrong at all .Just got caught up in the crossfire .Honestly if you had of told him you would be in shit from your friend. You cant win really!

Elieza · 11/12/2020 09:14

Dictionary meaning of misogynist:

a person who dislikes, despises, or is strongly prejudiced against women.
"a bachelor and renowned misogynist"

He clearly thinks that you think it’s ok to shag around or something, and therefore you must have encouraged her, which is why he’s calling you a slag, because he thinks you condone her behaviour. Even though you told him you told her not to. He has to blame you coz it can’t be her choice to do that as she was a happy housewife until you got involved type thing.

He’s just lashing out because he is hurt. It’s easier to blame you for her behaviour than to blame himself for anything that caused her to leave him.

It would be better to tell her not to tell you what he says about you. If she keeps his comments to herself then you won’t get hurt by them.

No reason why you can’t still be friends with her. She’s not said anything bad to you has she? It’s just him and her reporting to you what he said? You feeling piggy in the middle.

Has she actually moved out? If so you won’t see him again as she will cut ties. So you won’t be in the middle.

It’s always better to be alone yourself between dating/marriage etc. She should have left him and then dated someone else. Sometimes the grass is greener. Only it’s not. So I hope she has made a good choice.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 11/12/2020 09:21

a person who dislikes, despises, or is strongly prejudiced against women.

Yep, that's a good description of someone who uses sexist slurs against women. What would we call someone who used the N word against a black person in this very situation?

Do people not realise that pretty much all bigots and abusers pull the "it's because stuff is hard for me" shit?

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 09:46

@BigFatLiar
He messaged me asking me why I didn’t stop it, I explained I gave her my opinion
many times encouraging her to end it and work on her marriage, I also said she’s a grown woman and a feisty one at that and that I’m not responsible for her actions.

OP posts:
Chickychickydodah · 11/12/2020 09:47

Block them both and walk away !

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 09:47

@ShalomToYouJackie
No in our very few messages he called me no names, she’s telling me he hates me and blames me and says I’m a slag!
I sadly don’t think she’s defending me at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 09:57

@LuckyNumberThirteen
Thank you for your reply.
I think they thought they were too clever and would never get caught! I kept warning her the wife was suspicious and to not underestimate her.
I’m just sad that I’ve been there for her through all this and now I’ll lose my best friend.

OP posts:
MadamBatty · 11/12/2020 09:57

They’ve found a convenient 3rd party to blame & beat to deflect from what’s really going on. Neither of them are coming off well from this.

How could you have stopped the affair? How much power does he think you have?

Sally665 · 11/12/2020 09:59

@Loopy2020

Does she often tell you horrible things people are saying about you? She doesn't sound like much of a friend, it sounds like you've been scapegoated to take the blame of the affair.

ekidmxcl · 11/12/2020 10:00

He’s devastated and lashing out at you because he needs to lash out somewhere.

Original poster
Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 10:01

@MadamBatty

Exactly, she’s a strong woman and he knows that, she would never do anything she didn’t want to do.
Thank you for your reply

OP posts:
Original poster
Loopy2020 · 11/12/2020 10:03

@Sally665
No, she doesn’t usually, maybe it makes her feel better for me to know I’m hated too?! Who knows?
Thank you for your reply

OP posts:
PrincessNutNutRoast · 11/12/2020 10:06

[quote Loopy2020]@Sally665
No, she doesn’t usually, maybe it makes her feel better for me to know I’m hated too?! Who knows?
Thank you for your reply[/quote]
I'm sure it does, blame shared might be seen as blame halved...but her commitment was her responsibility, not yours.

He is blaming you for his wife's infidelity, in nasty misogynistic terms, and she is allowing it to happen because she's happy for you to be used as a shield. What's the point of either of them?

BigFatLiar · 11/12/2020 10:12

[quote Loopy2020]@ShalomToYouJackie
No in our very few messages he called me no names, she’s telling me he hates me and blames me and says I’m a slag!
I sadly don’t think she’s defending me at all[/quote]
If he's been generally civil in his contact with you I'd take the claims of his bad mouthing you with a pinch of salt. (or a bucket of salt). If she's trying to save the marriage it helps to have a scapegoat and it sounds as if she's picked you for the role.